turn around
Okay so of course lots has changed in the past 48 hours. Monday night my girl and I had a huge fight on IM. Then as of 4:47 Tuesday afternoon we weren't going to talk until she came down (what I wanted from the beginning) and then she called later and we talked and managed to get to a point that we are talking. Not about what has been going on, but about everyday stuff. It is hard to do because I have such a strong pull to her, I dont' want to feel like I have to squelch my emotion because we are better off not goign there right now. She said to me Tuesday that she felt like she couldn't ever catch up regarding how much I was showing her my love, and she wasn't showing me her love for me. I really don't think I care if I made her feel that way...i mean I care that she is upset, but it bothers me because now I feel like I can't show my love without worrying she will run away again. I really just don't want to talk to her until she comes down. I think I am still hurt and somehow I feel like it has all been turned into my fault; I was too pushy, I showed too much love- nothing has been said about how she didn't tell me these things and communicate with me, even after asked. I mean I like that we are talking and we are connecting again on an emotional level, sometimes, but I feel like I need answers before I can really feel invested in this again. I don't want to see her in afew weeks and for her to have put her work on the back burner because we are talking and things seem okay. I don't think that will happen, but I am afraid it will. I want to trust that she has taken the time to think about how things have been and what can change. I think it is me that isn't ready to talk- I tried to tell her that but I sort of feel like I am not being heard. It is getting frustrating. Maybe it is because I feel like she has the control in the situation and I don't like that. I don't want it to feel like a control struggle but in my head it is. I just don't think I can trust her right now and I amhaving a hard to time talking to her. She is talking about babies and living together (long time in future) and it bothers me a little cause she has been so weird and hard the past few months. I don't want to place blame- we both had our share of the role in where we are today, but I am just frustrated that she seems like everything is okay and I know there is a lot to talk about. I am afraid we will get into something and then it will be ahrd to stop. Argh! I don't know what to do.