Compassion for your pain...
I just want to feel something that's real. Something that I can quantify. Why should I deny myself that?
I find it quite ironic that I seek help because I hold back and try to control certain feelings... Or hide certain feelings, as it were. And the solution to "my problem" is to control what it is I feel. To distract myself when these feelings come up. That's not the solution!! That's the fucking problem!! How can you accuse me of being wrong when the solution is exactly what I'm doing in the first place? Just aimed at something that you can then say is helpful.
I want clarity. I want truth. Emotions are far more overwhelming than anything physical. And I've felt overwhelmed for far too long. So what is stopping me? Pride? Shame? A sense of righteousness? Or am I too afraid of feeling like I've let someone down again?
But who exactly is this *someone*. Am I just catastrophizing? I don't know what is real or what I'm projecting to be real, or when it applies or not.
I don't seem to have any control of my emotional life, so I need to grab control of my physical life. I am stuck, yet I seem to be the only person who sees it like this. Is it too much to expect a connection? Or are we all designed for the same fate of solitude? Maybe I just believe in something that doesn't exist. A Holy Grail of human relationships.
Either way, the emotion of it is getting harder to bear. Harder to understand. I need to feel something that I know is real...
I find it quite ironic that I seek help because I hold back and try to control certain feelings... Or hide certain feelings, as it were. And the solution to "my problem" is to control what it is I feel. To distract myself when these feelings come up. That's not the solution!! That's the fucking problem!! How can you accuse me of being wrong when the solution is exactly what I'm doing in the first place? Just aimed at something that you can then say is helpful.
I want clarity. I want truth. Emotions are far more overwhelming than anything physical. And I've felt overwhelmed for far too long. So what is stopping me? Pride? Shame? A sense of righteousness? Or am I too afraid of feeling like I've let someone down again?
But who exactly is this *someone*. Am I just catastrophizing? I don't know what is real or what I'm projecting to be real, or when it applies or not.
I don't seem to have any control of my emotional life, so I need to grab control of my physical life. I am stuck, yet I seem to be the only person who sees it like this. Is it too much to expect a connection? Or are we all designed for the same fate of solitude? Maybe I just believe in something that doesn't exist. A Holy Grail of human relationships.
Either way, the emotion of it is getting harder to bear. Harder to understand. I need to feel something that I know is real...