wow...
okay so haven't updated in while. and well my life has taken a few turns.
well amy was here a while ago, things were so much fun, i love that girl TO DEATH. she's amazing, we did tons of stuff around the area, went to Chicago, and just had soooo much fun.
then i worked for a week before i was on my way to AZ to visit zan. That week went really well, and i was so excited, yet so nervous to meet all his fam and friends. But anywho so I got there on july 18th and things were absolutely incredible, we picked up right where we left off. He took me all around his area. I got to meet everyone, and do so many things, went to a baseball game, museums downtown, out to eat a bunch, video games w/his buddies, bowling, movies..just everything. We even went to his dads house for the weekend, he lives 3 hrs away from zan. and that was amazing, I loved all his family and everything just felt perfect. For me, the trip solidified my desire to be w/him for the rest of my life, I had fallen so much more in love with him after all this, which I didn't think was possible, I thought you either loved someone or you didn't, but I learned a lot, one being that love grows immensely. It's the best feeling in the world. SO that was the trip. Thennn the last day I felt like we needed to have some sort of serious talk about the realtionship and where it was heading. Well that did not at all go where i expected...
I told him everything about how i felt, and about for me how the trip went. I told him that I was willing to do anything in the whole world to make this relationship to make this work. He had no response...SO i was like, okay...well are you?? and he said "i don't know" He kept on saying how much he loves me, the distance was just so hard for him to handle. So I of course was a mess, and we hadn't broken up he just said he would think about things, which scared the shit out of me, but I told him I respected that, and his honesty and to just let me know when he figured things out.
SO i left AZ feeling like complete shit about our realtionship. To know that I'm willing to do anything to make "us" work, and wasn't...that was the worst feeling ever.
So I came home and the first 2 days were okay, we just talked normally. I just thought I would just give him time, I didn't want to rush him. But I was pretty much waiting for him to decide if he wanted to be w/me or not....it was so difficult to deal with. Well the 3rd day after I got home he hadn't called me all day when he said he would, so right from that I had a bad feeling about everything. Well he finally called me at 11:53 at night. I talked to him and tried to be normal, I didn't bring up the fact that he hadn't called all day because I didn't was to upset him. SO I was just being normal, telling him about my day, abt stupid stuff at work and what not. He was saying like one word responses so I ask him what was wrong and he said he just had a lot on his mind. I was like okay well would like to talk about things and he was like I don't know. And I was like look i know you're trying to figure stuff out but do you realize you're messing w/my emotions and just leaving me hanging, thats not right. I deserve to know how you feel ab out our realtionship. SOO he finally just said..."I can't do this anymore. All i want is to be in a realtionship with you becaause I love you but I can't take this distance it makes me so unhappy." I explained to him that is he loves me and cares about me the way he says he does that should be enough, like I don't understand, we would only being going long distance for another year and ahlf or so, because we can transfer to the same school after comm. college. He says he cant even go that long not seeing me everyday. I don;t get it, liek for me I love him so much that I'll so anything I'll go a year and half if I know thats what I have to do in order to be with him, hell I'll go like 5 years if I had to, really. But he's not that way.
I havent talked to him since then. it'ds been 3 days. It's been freakin 6 days since I've even been home from AZ....I went and visited him. and not 3 days later he breaks up w/me.
This has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, The pain is so real, and ya know what sucks, he's my first love and they say you never forget you're 1st love. that blows. I dont want to remember all this for the rest of my life.
he's the first person who's ever loved me, who's ever cared about me, and now he's gone like that.
and this is retarded but it hurt....not even likek 2 hours after he broke up w/me he changed his myspace to single, deleted all the pics of me, changed the headline that once said "I love liz'' to "life is a journey", and also he deleted EVERY single comment I ever left him on his page, he's like trying to erase me from his life, what the fuck did i even do? NOTHING. I fucking hate this. I did nothing to earn this. All I did was love him unconditionally, I didn't think that would get me here.
SO that 's my life right now. sounds awesome doesn't it?
thank god I have AMAZING friends and family or else I don't know where I would be. They are the only thing that carries me through everyday. i LOVE them.
Alli posted this in her LJ, it completely fit my situaution too...
"And someday love will find me in the rough,
Someday love will finally be enough.
I shine a little more lately"
well thats it...
I'm trying so hard to be strong, but EVERYthing reminds me of him and it's just so hard. ughh
okay well if you read this I'm sorry. I just needed to lay all my feelings down.
well amy was here a while ago, things were so much fun, i love that girl TO DEATH. she's amazing, we did tons of stuff around the area, went to Chicago, and just had soooo much fun.
then i worked for a week before i was on my way to AZ to visit zan. That week went really well, and i was so excited, yet so nervous to meet all his fam and friends. But anywho so I got there on july 18th and things were absolutely incredible, we picked up right where we left off. He took me all around his area. I got to meet everyone, and do so many things, went to a baseball game, museums downtown, out to eat a bunch, video games w/his buddies, bowling, movies..just everything. We even went to his dads house for the weekend, he lives 3 hrs away from zan. and that was amazing, I loved all his family and everything just felt perfect. For me, the trip solidified my desire to be w/him for the rest of my life, I had fallen so much more in love with him after all this, which I didn't think was possible, I thought you either loved someone or you didn't, but I learned a lot, one being that love grows immensely. It's the best feeling in the world. SO that was the trip. Thennn the last day I felt like we needed to have some sort of serious talk about the realtionship and where it was heading. Well that did not at all go where i expected...
I told him everything about how i felt, and about for me how the trip went. I told him that I was willing to do anything in the whole world to make this relationship to make this work. He had no response...SO i was like, okay...well are you?? and he said "i don't know" He kept on saying how much he loves me, the distance was just so hard for him to handle. So I of course was a mess, and we hadn't broken up he just said he would think about things, which scared the shit out of me, but I told him I respected that, and his honesty and to just let me know when he figured things out.
SO i left AZ feeling like complete shit about our realtionship. To know that I'm willing to do anything to make "us" work, and wasn't...that was the worst feeling ever.
So I came home and the first 2 days were okay, we just talked normally. I just thought I would just give him time, I didn't want to rush him. But I was pretty much waiting for him to decide if he wanted to be w/me or not....it was so difficult to deal with. Well the 3rd day after I got home he hadn't called me all day when he said he would, so right from that I had a bad feeling about everything. Well he finally called me at 11:53 at night. I talked to him and tried to be normal, I didn't bring up the fact that he hadn't called all day because I didn't was to upset him. SO I was just being normal, telling him about my day, abt stupid stuff at work and what not. He was saying like one word responses so I ask him what was wrong and he said he just had a lot on his mind. I was like okay well would like to talk about things and he was like I don't know. And I was like look i know you're trying to figure stuff out but do you realize you're messing w/my emotions and just leaving me hanging, thats not right. I deserve to know how you feel ab out our realtionship. SOO he finally just said..."I can't do this anymore. All i want is to be in a realtionship with you becaause I love you but I can't take this distance it makes me so unhappy." I explained to him that is he loves me and cares about me the way he says he does that should be enough, like I don't understand, we would only being going long distance for another year and ahlf or so, because we can transfer to the same school after comm. college. He says he cant even go that long not seeing me everyday. I don;t get it, liek for me I love him so much that I'll so anything I'll go a year and half if I know thats what I have to do in order to be with him, hell I'll go like 5 years if I had to, really. But he's not that way.
I havent talked to him since then. it'ds been 3 days. It's been freakin 6 days since I've even been home from AZ....I went and visited him. and not 3 days later he breaks up w/me.
This has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, The pain is so real, and ya know what sucks, he's my first love and they say you never forget you're 1st love. that blows. I dont want to remember all this for the rest of my life.
he's the first person who's ever loved me, who's ever cared about me, and now he's gone like that.
and this is retarded but it hurt....not even likek 2 hours after he broke up w/me he changed his myspace to single, deleted all the pics of me, changed the headline that once said "I love liz'' to "life is a journey", and also he deleted EVERY single comment I ever left him on his page, he's like trying to erase me from his life, what the fuck did i even do? NOTHING. I fucking hate this. I did nothing to earn this. All I did was love him unconditionally, I didn't think that would get me here.
SO that 's my life right now. sounds awesome doesn't it?
thank god I have AMAZING friends and family or else I don't know where I would be. They are the only thing that carries me through everyday. i LOVE them.
Alli posted this in her LJ, it completely fit my situaution too...
"And someday love will find me in the rough,
Someday love will finally be enough.
I shine a little more lately"
well thats it...
I'm trying so hard to be strong, but EVERYthing reminds me of him and it's just so hard. ughh
okay well if you read this I'm sorry. I just needed to lay all my feelings down.