Feedback Challange: For escritoireazul
I signed up for the Feedback Challange, recieved my feedback today yesterday, which reminded me that I still had my own feedback post still half-done and saved on my hard drive, waiting for me to be done with this blessed head cold. Which I'm still not, but never mind.
Alright so, while the utter chaos my life has decended into means I'm rather late on this, nevertheless I hope my recipient finds it usefull, and I hope everyone on my f'list uses it as an oppertunity to check out some damn good fic they might not have heard of otherwise.
I was assigned to give feedback for the amazingly talented Carla (AKA escritoreazul) whom I'd never heard of previously, but am so very glad I have now. You can read all of her fic on her website, or you can follow the links I've provided to the individual stories on her LJ, for ease of leaving feedback (hint, hint).
The challange was to give feedback on (at least) five stories (or iconsets or vids, but Carla is strictly a ficcer from what I could tell) but I've got six nine reviews here, partially to make up for how late I am, but mostly because this stuff is too damn good.
Besides, the stories are all fairly short, and four of them are drabbles. Ergo it will take no time at all for you good folks to read all of them (which you really should as the reviews contain spoilers for the stories), do you hear me? And leave feedback of your own. :)
Harry Potter
Harry Doesn't Know
(Rated 13+, no pairing, character Death)
What first struck me about this piece, short as it is, was how frighteningly true to cannon it was,in that if Harry were to die, this is probably how he would react to it - blissfully assuming that it was the other person who was dying, right up until the very end. At the very least he would certainly be much more afraid of failing everyone
Dark as this drabble is, it's very true to J. K., and that's how I like my HP fic.
The next thing that hit me was when I clicked on the link to the fanart it was based on the author's bolded comment "I've killed Hermione" lept out at me and made me wonder for a second if I'd followed the right link. It was only when I looked at the picture that I realized what a perfect reversal you'd done. Extra points for thinking outside the box, and making me squint to see that picture the way the artist intended instead of the way you interpreted it. Kudos!
~~~
The Man I Could Be
(13+, no pairing, death)
Again, a very dark story - perhaps a little too dark for canon, but perhaps not. This story is very true to Ron, and perfectly captures his relationship with his siblings as a whole - how they make a standard that seems impossible to live up to.
I love that you give him a chance to realize that he is a good, admirable Weasley - "steadfast and brave and loyal" - but that he still thinks he's failed Percy.
The ending is a little ambiguous - I'm not exactly certain what Ron's feeling here - does he feel that he's failed his brothers by trying to help Percy and almost gettig killed, or does he in the end still see Percy as a brother, and wishes he could have saved him from Lupin?
The feral Lupin did disturb me a little, but as it's perfectly true to canon, I can hardly fault you for that. :)
~~~
Oh, the Bleakness of the Moon
(13+, no overt pairing, blink-and-you'll-miss-it Remus/Sirius undertones)
Speaking of perfectly true to canon Lupin - this is my favourite of your Harry Potter stories, and quite possibly the best Remus gen story I've read, and I go out of my way to read good Remus genfic.
I absolutely love the structure of it - the opening litany, and how it gets reversed at the end. The linnear progression of the story, taking everything in that opening sequence and following it through to it's natural conclusion.
His name is Remus Lupin, and he’s not to be trusted.
His name is Remus Lupin, and he’s not to be trusted; he is a werewolf.
His name is Remus Lupin, and he’s not to be trusted; he is a werewolf and once upon a time he almost killed one of the other students at school.
His name is Remus Lupin, and he’s not to be trusted; he is a werewolf and he almost killed a student and not even his best friends tell him all their secrets.
His name is Remus Lupin, and he’s not to be trusted; he is a werewolf and he almost killed a student and his best friends didn’t tell him everything and he never learned how to smell a rat.
This progression is almost like the very slow twisting of a knife inwards - I feel Remus torturing himself with these thoughts, and that last one hurts most of all.
I love how the story progresses through the pre-series scene, lifting the dialouge word-for-word from the drabble being remixed, but adding depth and greater context to it. Remus is very ambiguous in the original drabble, wheras when you put the whole thing from his perspective, it becomes less about us not knowing whether Remus has killed people and more about Remus not knowing if he's killed people.
“He almost made you a murderer once, Remus.” Peter, so unassuming, has never hit the nail on the head quite like this before; Remus wonders for a minute how Peter could have known where his own thoughts linger, but shrugs it off. For once, Peter just got lucky.
“Who says I’m not?” Remus asks, keeping his voice light, a small smile turning up the corners of his mouth. He’s not, he doesn’t think, but there are some things he just can’t quite remember. Maybe he’s killed a hundred people. Maybe Snape wouldn’t have been the first.
You then go forward to Remus reflecting on the death of Lily and James, in the context of that conversation, and the dramatic irony is just the way I like it - so thick you could cut it with a silver knife, but so subtley flavoured it doesn't overpower.
Remus wishes Peter had scampered away to safety as a rat, wishes that Sirius had trusted him just a little bit more, before all this; Remus told Sirius his secrets, all of them, but Sirius never returned the favour.
Oh, how painful this is to people who know what's really going on! You make us ache for Remus, and long to tell him that some of his greif is so very badly misplaced.
The other passage from this section that really jumped out for me came a little earlier:
Sirius gave up everything but his name, Remus realizes, and maybe a name is like a dark mark. You can never remove it, and eventually you’ll always answer its call.
One wonders if Remus Lupin felt predestined, if he ever discovered the unfortunate coincidence of his own name. If anything I think this idea could stand more exploring, though this probably isn't the fic to do it in.
I also like the way you go from the last statement in this section, that it "might take years" for Remus to forget the images of Peter and James and Lilly's deaths, to it being years later, and the first thing he does when arriving at Hogwarts is visiting the shack.
I love the imagry in this section of scents and animal forms, eccoing "he never learned how to smell a rat" - even though he still doesn't understand at this point that the physical rat and the metaphorical rat were one and the same. I also love how you reinforce Peter's guilty-as-hell statements that are really only guilty in retrospect - setting up Remus' kicking himself in the head moment later.
Remus can almost hear Peter’s voice in his head:
“But why can’t you smell us? The books all say werewolves always smell everything, even when they’re men.” And Peter would have scratched an itch; by the time they’d left school, anytime his face itched, he would rub at it with the back of his hand, and Sirius always teased him about being a giant rat, even when he wasn’t.
He’d jerk his head back and forth, checking the corners of the any room they were in, twitching at shadows, which only enhanced the image of rat. But maybe Peter had just been scared; Remus still gives him the benefit of doubt. After all, there had been plenty of reasons to be scared, and maybe Peter had been smarter than they’d given him credit, and he’d recognized the coming betrayal on some unconscious level.
What really amazing about these passages is that even though to us Peter's behavious is suspicious as hell, you make it perfectly reasonable that the other maurauders would have never caught on - allowing Remus to fall for the bait and switch, and the resulting betrayal.
It's the next sequence that I love most about this fic, and that's the most impressive - your dialouge-perfect retelling from Remus' point of view of the last scene in chapter sixteen of Prisoner of Azkaban.
I have to admit I'm a bit biased because I have a weakness for retellings of canon, keeping all the dialoge and actions exactly the same but getting inside one of the character's heads and showing us what they were feeling and thinking. I dare say J. K. would have a hard time denyig that what you put forth is going on in Lupin's head is what she intended.
“Not at all up to your usual standard, Hermione,” he says. “Only one out of three, I’m afraid. I have not been helping Sirius get into the castle and I certainly don’t want Harry dead….” Even saying the words makes him think of all he’s lost, or thought he’s lost, and he realizes the only truth in the past decade has been the fact that Lily and James are dead. He shivers, his skin twitching at that thought. “But I won’t deny that I am a werewolf.”
That you were able to take "an odd shiver passed over his face" and turn it into such a beautiful glimpse of heartache is just staggering.
You cover absolutely everything in this - why Remus casts expeliarmus on everyone. How he works it all out. How he realizes too late just how clever Hermione is. How hurt he is when he's lost the students' trust. The hand waves he makes at Harry.
A few touches I particularily loved:
“The map,” Remus says. “The Marauder’s Map. I was in my office examining it-“
“You know how to work it?”
“Of course I know how to work it,” Remus says, waving away the words. He’s too impatient to listen to silly questions, and at the moment he wishes Harry was bright enough to match Hermione
That statement made me outright laugh out loud - Harry can be dense, can't he?
“One of us!” Ron says, his voice full of anger.
“No, Ron,” Remus says. He tries to gentle his voice, because this is going to be a betrayal all around. “Two of you.” He stands still now, finished pacing, and stares at Ron. “Do you think I could have a look at the rat?” It’s a chore to keep his voice even.
I love that he realizes the revealing of Scabbers is going to be a betrayal to Ron, too - that he's going to destroy a boy's faith in his beloved pet. Brilliant.
“No, he’s not,” Remus says, keeping his voice quiet. “He’s a wizard.” And he used to be a friend, but Remus allows that to go unsaid. I thought he trusted me most of all.
“An Animagus,” Sirius says, “by the name of Peter Pettigrew.”
Remus looks at Sirius, and neither speaks, for a moment, but what goes unsaid has always been the most important thing of all.
A perfect ending to this section, turning what is in canon a clifhanger - since at that point only Remus and Sirius know all of what's going on here - into closure, an ending since the rest of it is superfluous to Remus and thus to us.
The next section - rather fittingly, as it takes place after Prisoner of Azkaban - feels like a well-earned epilog. I love the feeling of peace in the exchange between Remus and Sirius. I prefer to read this fic as one of pure freindship, and I appreciate that it can be read both ways - the love that permeates the Marauders is strong, but it no less strong if taken as platonic.
I absolutely loved the way you ended it, bringing everything back to the beginning in three ways: the begining chronologically, with the conversation between peter and Remus that sparked all of this for Remus, the begining metatextually, referring back to the drabble that sparked the fic, and the beginning textually, the actual words that started the fic itself:
Remus remembers it clearly, the afternoon with Peter, and Peter’s questions. “You’ve forgiven him, then?” and “Would you do the same for me, if I killed, even indirectly?”
No, Peter, Remus knows now. I would not.
His name is Remus Lupin, and he’s not to be trusted; he is a werewolf and he almost killed a student and his best friends didn’t trust him and he never learned how to smell a rat.
His name is Remus Lupin, and he’s not to be trusted; he is a werewolf and he almost killed a student and not even his best friends trusted him with all their secrets.
His name is Remus Lupin, and he’s not to be trusted; he is a werewolf and once upon a time he almost killed one of the other students at school.
His name is Remus Lupin, and he’s not to be trusted; he is a werewolf.
His name is Remus Lupin, and he’s not to be trusted, not ever.
But somehow, he is.
That last line, for us and for Remus, makes it all worthwhile. The knife has been pulled back out, and the healing has begun.
Jossverse
From Ash Are We Formed (Buffy)
(16+, BtVS - S7, Spike/Faith)
Such a beautiful prose-poem, densly packed with vivid images. What I love most about this peice is that I can hear it being read into a microphone during "not fade away" - it reads to me exactly like a poem Spike is composing in his head at the moment it's happening.
I never really thought of Spike/Faith as a pairing, (though to be fair, I've seen nothing of S7 Buffy, and very little of Buffy in general after S3) but you do make your case well, especially as this is yet another example of Spike falling for slayer mystique - and Faith has a very special brand of slayer mystique. Him acting on the thoughts he has here would be very interesting. And in the end, it really doesn't matter if I beleive in the pairing or not, this fic is simply too gorgeous to pass up for a reason as petty as that. :)
***
Strange Rebirth (Angel/Firefly)
(14+, Cordy/Saffron, post-Trash, pre-S4 Angel)
I've gotta admit, crossing these two settings over throws me, but I suppose it's entirely possible that the Firefly 'verse is just the future of the Buffy/Angel Earth or an entirely different dimension that the PTB dumped Cordy in - perhaps to prevent the mess with Jasmine entirely?
As with quite a few well-written crossovers, the whys and hows are secondary to the story itself, how the characters interact with each other.
I have to say right off the bat that your Cordy voice is perfect - and she is one of my very very favourites - and I especially like the two remarks that come right at the beginning of the fic.
Cordelia opened her eyes to pure, unbroken blackness.
What, no more white light?
It wasn’t until she blinked and could feel her eyelids move that she realized she wasn’t floating in some higher state, waiting to be processed or for a messenger from the Powers to reassign her.
She was actually, physically awake, and she was shut up in a box. There was no padding and the metal was cold against her bare arms, lower calves, and feet, chilly even through the clothes covering the rest of her body.
Can’t a half-demon oracle get a better burial?
Cordelia rolled her eyes, though no one else was around to appreciate the movement, and she couldn’t really be certain her eyes were actually open for it anyway. They felt open, but the darkness was so unrelieved she could have been staring at the insides of her eyelids for all she knew.
I love the touches that just scream Cordy - that she rolls her eyes, that she can't resist snarky comments even inside her own head. I also love how visceral and real you make things - belying Cordy's later and frequent insisance that this is a dream with rich details and the vividness of both the pitch blackness and the metal against her skin.
That vividness of detail continues through the whole fic, especially the description of both times the air is running out and Cordy can't breathe. I also love the description of - oh let's just call her Saffron for ease - and Cordy's assesment of her as a pretty - faux gentle Southern lady space pirate? - woman. It made sense, she’d been many things in life - high school A-list, starving actor, administrative assistant with a side of demon hunting, part-demon with visions, pure higher power - so her death would be full of unnatural things, like dreaming up space ships and metal prisons which weren’t actually locked and-really, with the gun and all, the woman was more like a space cowboy.
You have to admire Cordy's logic, even if she's dead wrong about this being her dream.
The joy of a crossover like this, as I said, is just letting the characters play againt each other, and I'm particularily enamoured of this section for how much Cordy understands, even if the readers are the ones who truly appriciate the full weight of what Saffron is saying.
“Who are you?”
The woman was prettier when she smiled. “Mallory.”
She was lying, she was too amused at herself to be telling the truth, there was too much laughter in her eyes, but Cordelia didn’t care.
“Do your friends call you Mal?”
The smile shook, just at the corners of her mouth. When it solidified again, there was something cold and dangerous to her, something predatory Cordelia associated with vampires, even the cuddly, teddy bear kind like Angel.
Words fail me as to how much I love that last sentence. Perfect Cordy voice. Perfect description of both Saffron and Angel. Perfect perfect perfect. I love that without realizing why, Cordy zones in on the perfect thing to say to crack Saffron.
Now, having seen that this was written for a femslash challange, I was prepared for the f/f action - but I especially appreciate that you didn't push it, or take it overboard. Saffron kissing girls - especially with the intent of knocking them out - is perfectly canon, and Cordy being not totally inexperienced felt right too - especially since you point out exactly how little action Cordy got during Angel.
She leaned forward and kissed Cordelia, her mouth open, lips firm. Her lipstick was thick and sweet, slicked across their mouths.
Cordelia hadn’t kissed hardly anyone over the years in Los Angeles, and she hadn’t kissed very many women at all throughout her life. Involuntarily her hand slid from Mallory’s cheek into her hair. Despite everything, she hadn’t forgotten how to do it, and this was a good one.
The world spun, and at first she thought it was a good thing, just a reaction to the kiss and being touched for the first time in so long. When she pulled back and opened her eyes, darkness ate at the edges of her vision and she started a long, slow fall, down the stairs and into unconsciousness.
I don’t like this dream anymore.
Perfect - forgive the expression - fade to black. One thing I notice about your writing in general that I like is the use of sections, and how you are able to give definite beginnings and ending to them while still keeping the flow of a complete story. It's something I try for in my own work, so that may be why I notice it, and admire how well you pull it off.
The next section, where Saffron shows her true colours, is pure fun, because it's Saffron at her devious best, and Cordy at her so-much-more-beneth-the-surface best. I love how quickly the tables are turned, first on Saffron, with Cordy breaking the bomds with her half demon strength, and then on both of them, with Saffron's pursurers
A particular touch I liked was this lie of Saffron's:
“You caught me out.” Mallory’s smile was as wide and kind as ever. “My real name is Saffron, I’m married to this no good piece of lan dong shi-that means garbage, sweetie-named Mal Reynolds. That’s why I called myself Mallory when I got away from him. He’s a bad man, Cordelia, a thief and a liar, you have to believe me.”
“So far he sounds a lot like you.”
“He’s a killer too, and I just take what I must to get by.”
Maybe it's Saffron's insistance that "you've got to beleive me" that makes me think that she herself doesn't beleive it.
I suppose the only major beef I have with this story is the ending; it feels very sudden, and really more like a middle than an ending. I really want to cry "but then what happened?" It cries out for continuation, in my mind.
Cordelia fell sideways and landed hard against the chair. She hit her head, but the pain faded fast, and she was unconscious again before she continued to the floor.
When she woke up again, she didn’t remember being Cordelia, or a part demon oracle, or even a higher power. She thought she might have once been called Mallory, and no one would tell her why she was in jail.
Cordy's amnisia is sudden, but seems dramatically fitting; it's just that the story never devellops it, and I find that frustrating, because it feels like the scenario has so much potential.
One final nit-pick, something I couldn't help but notice:
“Thought you said your name was Saffron,” Cordelia gasped. Her eyelids grew heavy and she blinked, slower each time. “Where will they take us?”
“Jail,” Mallory-Saffron-Bridget whispered. “Least ’til I break free.”
Cordy having mentally amended Saffron to a caonglomeration of her alias amused me greatly, and is somethig I see often in fic with Saffron, but I have to point out that the name "Bridgit" never comes up in this fic. The last thing Cordy hears Saffron being called is Yolanda. A very minor detail, but it jarred me, especially as the rest of this fic is consistantly Cordy's pov.
Overall, I enjoyed this story alot; it did justice to both characters and settings, and in general felt very Joss-esque.
Pitch Black/Chronicles of Riddick
An Imposter of an Imposter was Still a Fake
(13+, no real pairing, set during CoR)
Very very dark and delicious Kyra pov. You pretty much cut to the heart of the character here, and I love it. I love that you draw a paralell between Kyra masqurading as Jak, and and Kyra building a new, Riddick-esque persona - and that Kyra acknowledges one is as false as the other.
Incidentally, I think the first line of this fic as posted on both Escritoireazul and your LJ has a typo in it:
Kyra was imposter
Am I right in assuming there should be an "an" there? Or was that a deliberate stylistic choice that went right over my head?
***
Some Things Should Hurt
(13+, no pairing, Pre-PB)
Just like the previous drabble is a perfect examination of Kyra's motivations, this is a perfect glimpse into Riddick's head. You really give a feal here for how the events of Riddick's life have turned him into what he is - and how on a very deep level, that bothers him very much.
The last sentence is just... dark and wonderful in that "makes-me-shiver" kind of way.
Other
Behind Her Silence Lies (LOST)
(13+, Spoilers for House of the Rising Sun)
This just utterly and completely blew me away. I almost missed this one, because I've only managed to see up to Episode 1.08 of LOST, and have managed to stay unspoiled for the rest of it, but when I saw this was Sun backstory, I had to risk it.
I'm so very happy I did, because this fic is nothing short of breathtaking. Every word in it feels perfectly true and explains so much about the woman we see onscreen.
I love the poem you quote at the beginning, the appropriateness of it and how you took the title from it. I love how you start each section with a short statement about Sun - "Once, when she was but a child, Sun must have thought the world was fair." "When she is alone, Sun sees flowers, even when her eyes are closed." "Sun has known flowers her entire life." "She does not hate." - and then expand on it, exploring how as you say in the summery, flowers have been the only constant in her life, her safe harbor and her joy.
This makes the gesture of Jin offering her the flower so much more poingient.
I absolutely love the idea that she wants to stay on the island, she likes it here, where the flora that has only once betrayed her - and even then it was her own fault - is everywhere.
Sun has no beliefs anymore, except for this: The plants need her, and swell with life when she touches them gently. They accept her caresses, and she can give them to the others. The herbs allow her to help.
The only reason Sun remains alive is because the fauna has taken her in, and processes her drowning thoughts.
I love this. I love this more than I can really express. Thanks so much for this story.
***
She Has the Best Secret (Mean Girls)
(13+, Cady/Regina)
Another pairing that threw me back a bit - I didn't really see much chemestry of that kind between the two of them, but it could just be I didn't have an eye for it - I'll have to watch it again. I certainly can't deny that Cady devellops an obsession with Regina, and you progress smoothly from Cady's feelings for Aaron to a bit of background that makes it all make sense, and is perfectly plausible.
She likes him, and she's never really liked a boy before. Well, once, but it didn't turn out, and ever since she's been surrounded by girls. Not girls like American high school girls who are really more like women, but no women she's seen before, but girls all the same.
Cady understands them, their rituals, their dances. She never pierces her face, never puts a disk in her lip, but she knows why they do it. She knows the rules, and knows how close she can get before she has to give them up to the men.
She knows all about being segregated by gender, and how it's impossible to stay completely unsexed, and how the adults just smile and look the other way, as long as the girls remain virgins. There are plenty of things to do without lowering their bride prices, and Cady has done them all.
Not here, though, and she never thought she would, because here her actions have a label and it's negative. She's already different enough as it is.
This never occured to me, but it's consistant with Cady's background, and it jives with how utterly lost she is with all of it.
Regina clings, and thrusts, and trembles. She makes little whimpering noises in the back of her throat, and Cady thinks it's the sexiest sound she's ever heard. It's animal, and territorial, and Cady really, really likes it.
I love this part - because it's so Cady, so in tune with Cady's animalistic view of the world. She never compares the people in her new enviro0nment to the people back home, she compares them to the animals.
The description of the sex itself in general is well done, very hot, and I especially like Cady's musings on whether and how exactly this happened before she came into the picture. I can't help but wonder what Regina's point of view on all this is, but at the same time am pretty sure it isn't anywhere near as interesting as Cady's - she's just not that deep.
Sometimes Cady wonders what rule this falls under in Girl World. After all, Janis thinks Regina is the enemy because Regina calls her a dyke. But then Regina straddles Cady, undulates against her, and how can the word be an insult when the actions feel so good?
Cady doesn't let herself think about it too much. Instead she just marvels at all the things she doesn't understand, and enjoys the physical things she does, and, secretly, feels smug because she and Regina have the best secret of all.
I love this bit - mostly because I want to know the answers myself, and also because it shows how Cady lets herself get sucked in so totally into Girl World - a shadowing of the disasters to come.
Overall I love the feel of this fic - how it flows smoothly, never needing to be broken up, from one theme to the next like a well written essay.
Like a lot of well-written small-fandom femslash I've found, once I got over the idea of the pairing and shut up and dug it, I had a hell of a good time. Well done. :)
Overall Comments
We didn't technically have to do this, but I wanted to give you some feedback on your work as a whole - at least what I read of it.
I admit I didn't read everything. Most of the Buffy lost me due to the pairings involed, (Angel/Willow and Faith/Wesly weren't things I could get my head around), I didn't feel right reading the Lost Boys stuff because it'd been so long since I'd seen the canon that I didn't feel I could give it a fair shake, and I didn't want to start in on any of the series due to time constraints.
Still, I read most of everything else, and definately liked what I read. As I stated above, I really like your finess with sections, how how have a gift for when to split a fic up, and how to do it while not making the result feel choppy. At the same time you show an ability in other fics to have one thread all the way through - I'm very impressed at how well you handle both styles.
You have a gift for drabbles - packing a great punch in a few words. This gift for word choice also shows in the longer fics, at how good you are with descriptives and emotions.
If you have a weak spot, I'd say it was for dialouge - there's very little of it, and in fact you're strongest when you're working from someone else's dialouge and instead telling us why the characters said what they said. That said the dialouge you have written is pretty darn good, and true to character.
As a last note, I also wanted to say I love your titles - how you have a tendency in the shorter peices and drabbles to isolate a particularily meaningful line from the fic and let it stand for the whole thing. Makes for wordy, but evocative titles.
I'm sorry this took so long for me to put together and put up, I hope you found it useful or at least entertaining. :)
Alright so, while the utter chaos my life has decended into means I'm rather late on this, nevertheless I hope my recipient finds it usefull, and I hope everyone on my f'list uses it as an oppertunity to check out some damn good fic they might not have heard of otherwise.
I was assigned to give feedback for the amazingly talented Carla (AKA escritoreazul) whom I'd never heard of previously, but am so very glad I have now. You can read all of her fic on her website, or you can follow the links I've provided to the individual stories on her LJ, for ease of leaving feedback (hint, hint).
The challange was to give feedback on (at least) five stories (or iconsets or vids, but Carla is strictly a ficcer from what I could tell) but I've got six nine reviews here, partially to make up for how late I am, but mostly because this stuff is too damn good.
Besides, the stories are all fairly short, and four of them are drabbles. Ergo it will take no time at all for you good folks to read all of them (which you really should as the reviews contain spoilers for the stories), do you hear me? And leave feedback of your own. :)
Harry Potter
Harry Doesn't Know
(Rated 13+, no pairing, character Death)
What first struck me about this piece, short as it is, was how frighteningly true to cannon it was,in that if Harry were to die, this is probably how he would react to it - blissfully assuming that it was the other person who was dying, right up until the very end. At the very least he would certainly be much more afraid of failing everyone
Dark as this drabble is, it's very true to J. K., and that's how I like my HP fic.
The next thing that hit me was when I clicked on the link to the fanart it was based on the author's bolded comment "I've killed Hermione" lept out at me and made me wonder for a second if I'd followed the right link. It was only when I looked at the picture that I realized what a perfect reversal you'd done. Extra points for thinking outside the box, and making me squint to see that picture the way the artist intended instead of the way you interpreted it. Kudos!
~~~
The Man I Could Be
(13+, no pairing, death)
Again, a very dark story - perhaps a little too dark for canon, but perhaps not. This story is very true to Ron, and perfectly captures his relationship with his siblings as a whole - how they make a standard that seems impossible to live up to.
I love that you give him a chance to realize that he is a good, admirable Weasley - "steadfast and brave and loyal" - but that he still thinks he's failed Percy.
The ending is a little ambiguous - I'm not exactly certain what Ron's feeling here - does he feel that he's failed his brothers by trying to help Percy and almost gettig killed, or does he in the end still see Percy as a brother, and wishes he could have saved him from Lupin?
The feral Lupin did disturb me a little, but as it's perfectly true to canon, I can hardly fault you for that. :)
~~~
Oh, the Bleakness of the Moon
(13+, no overt pairing, blink-and-you'll-miss-it Remus/Sirius undertones)
Speaking of perfectly true to canon Lupin - this is my favourite of your Harry Potter stories, and quite possibly the best Remus gen story I've read, and I go out of my way to read good Remus genfic.
I absolutely love the structure of it - the opening litany, and how it gets reversed at the end. The linnear progression of the story, taking everything in that opening sequence and following it through to it's natural conclusion.
His name is Remus Lupin, and he’s not to be trusted.
His name is Remus Lupin, and he’s not to be trusted; he is a werewolf.
His name is Remus Lupin, and he’s not to be trusted; he is a werewolf and once upon a time he almost killed one of the other students at school.
His name is Remus Lupin, and he’s not to be trusted; he is a werewolf and he almost killed a student and not even his best friends tell him all their secrets.
His name is Remus Lupin, and he’s not to be trusted; he is a werewolf and he almost killed a student and his best friends didn’t tell him everything and he never learned how to smell a rat.
This progression is almost like the very slow twisting of a knife inwards - I feel Remus torturing himself with these thoughts, and that last one hurts most of all.
I love how the story progresses through the pre-series scene, lifting the dialouge word-for-word from the drabble being remixed, but adding depth and greater context to it. Remus is very ambiguous in the original drabble, wheras when you put the whole thing from his perspective, it becomes less about us not knowing whether Remus has killed people and more about Remus not knowing if he's killed people.
“He almost made you a murderer once, Remus.” Peter, so unassuming, has never hit the nail on the head quite like this before; Remus wonders for a minute how Peter could have known where his own thoughts linger, but shrugs it off. For once, Peter just got lucky.
“Who says I’m not?” Remus asks, keeping his voice light, a small smile turning up the corners of his mouth. He’s not, he doesn’t think, but there are some things he just can’t quite remember. Maybe he’s killed a hundred people. Maybe Snape wouldn’t have been the first.
You then go forward to Remus reflecting on the death of Lily and James, in the context of that conversation, and the dramatic irony is just the way I like it - so thick you could cut it with a silver knife, but so subtley flavoured it doesn't overpower.
Remus wishes Peter had scampered away to safety as a rat, wishes that Sirius had trusted him just a little bit more, before all this; Remus told Sirius his secrets, all of them, but Sirius never returned the favour.
Oh, how painful this is to people who know what's really going on! You make us ache for Remus, and long to tell him that some of his greif is so very badly misplaced.
The other passage from this section that really jumped out for me came a little earlier:
Sirius gave up everything but his name, Remus realizes, and maybe a name is like a dark mark. You can never remove it, and eventually you’ll always answer its call.
One wonders if Remus Lupin felt predestined, if he ever discovered the unfortunate coincidence of his own name. If anything I think this idea could stand more exploring, though this probably isn't the fic to do it in.
I also like the way you go from the last statement in this section, that it "might take years" for Remus to forget the images of Peter and James and Lilly's deaths, to it being years later, and the first thing he does when arriving at Hogwarts is visiting the shack.
I love the imagry in this section of scents and animal forms, eccoing "he never learned how to smell a rat" - even though he still doesn't understand at this point that the physical rat and the metaphorical rat were one and the same. I also love how you reinforce Peter's guilty-as-hell statements that are really only guilty in retrospect - setting up Remus' kicking himself in the head moment later.
Remus can almost hear Peter’s voice in his head:
“But why can’t you smell us? The books all say werewolves always smell everything, even when they’re men.” And Peter would have scratched an itch; by the time they’d left school, anytime his face itched, he would rub at it with the back of his hand, and Sirius always teased him about being a giant rat, even when he wasn’t.
He’d jerk his head back and forth, checking the corners of the any room they were in, twitching at shadows, which only enhanced the image of rat. But maybe Peter had just been scared; Remus still gives him the benefit of doubt. After all, there had been plenty of reasons to be scared, and maybe Peter had been smarter than they’d given him credit, and he’d recognized the coming betrayal on some unconscious level.
What really amazing about these passages is that even though to us Peter's behavious is suspicious as hell, you make it perfectly reasonable that the other maurauders would have never caught on - allowing Remus to fall for the bait and switch, and the resulting betrayal.
It's the next sequence that I love most about this fic, and that's the most impressive - your dialouge-perfect retelling from Remus' point of view of the last scene in chapter sixteen of Prisoner of Azkaban.
I have to admit I'm a bit biased because I have a weakness for retellings of canon, keeping all the dialoge and actions exactly the same but getting inside one of the character's heads and showing us what they were feeling and thinking. I dare say J. K. would have a hard time denyig that what you put forth is going on in Lupin's head is what she intended.
“Not at all up to your usual standard, Hermione,” he says. “Only one out of three, I’m afraid. I have not been helping Sirius get into the castle and I certainly don’t want Harry dead….” Even saying the words makes him think of all he’s lost, or thought he’s lost, and he realizes the only truth in the past decade has been the fact that Lily and James are dead. He shivers, his skin twitching at that thought. “But I won’t deny that I am a werewolf.”
That you were able to take "an odd shiver passed over his face" and turn it into such a beautiful glimpse of heartache is just staggering.
You cover absolutely everything in this - why Remus casts expeliarmus on everyone. How he works it all out. How he realizes too late just how clever Hermione is. How hurt he is when he's lost the students' trust. The hand waves he makes at Harry.
A few touches I particularily loved:
“The map,” Remus says. “The Marauder’s Map. I was in my office examining it-“
“You know how to work it?”
“Of course I know how to work it,” Remus says, waving away the words. He’s too impatient to listen to silly questions, and at the moment he wishes Harry was bright enough to match Hermione
That statement made me outright laugh out loud - Harry can be dense, can't he?
“One of us!” Ron says, his voice full of anger.
“No, Ron,” Remus says. He tries to gentle his voice, because this is going to be a betrayal all around. “Two of you.” He stands still now, finished pacing, and stares at Ron. “Do you think I could have a look at the rat?” It’s a chore to keep his voice even.
I love that he realizes the revealing of Scabbers is going to be a betrayal to Ron, too - that he's going to destroy a boy's faith in his beloved pet. Brilliant.
“No, he’s not,” Remus says, keeping his voice quiet. “He’s a wizard.” And he used to be a friend, but Remus allows that to go unsaid. I thought he trusted me most of all.
“An Animagus,” Sirius says, “by the name of Peter Pettigrew.”
Remus looks at Sirius, and neither speaks, for a moment, but what goes unsaid has always been the most important thing of all.
A perfect ending to this section, turning what is in canon a clifhanger - since at that point only Remus and Sirius know all of what's going on here - into closure, an ending since the rest of it is superfluous to Remus and thus to us.
The next section - rather fittingly, as it takes place after Prisoner of Azkaban - feels like a well-earned epilog. I love the feeling of peace in the exchange between Remus and Sirius. I prefer to read this fic as one of pure freindship, and I appreciate that it can be read both ways - the love that permeates the Marauders is strong, but it no less strong if taken as platonic.
I absolutely loved the way you ended it, bringing everything back to the beginning in three ways: the begining chronologically, with the conversation between peter and Remus that sparked all of this for Remus, the begining metatextually, referring back to the drabble that sparked the fic, and the beginning textually, the actual words that started the fic itself:
Remus remembers it clearly, the afternoon with Peter, and Peter’s questions. “You’ve forgiven him, then?” and “Would you do the same for me, if I killed, even indirectly?”
No, Peter, Remus knows now. I would not.
His name is Remus Lupin, and he’s not to be trusted; he is a werewolf and he almost killed a student and his best friends didn’t trust him and he never learned how to smell a rat.
His name is Remus Lupin, and he’s not to be trusted; he is a werewolf and he almost killed a student and not even his best friends trusted him with all their secrets.
His name is Remus Lupin, and he’s not to be trusted; he is a werewolf and once upon a time he almost killed one of the other students at school.
His name is Remus Lupin, and he’s not to be trusted; he is a werewolf.
His name is Remus Lupin, and he’s not to be trusted, not ever.
But somehow, he is.
That last line, for us and for Remus, makes it all worthwhile. The knife has been pulled back out, and the healing has begun.
Jossverse
From Ash Are We Formed (Buffy)
(16+, BtVS - S7, Spike/Faith)
Such a beautiful prose-poem, densly packed with vivid images. What I love most about this peice is that I can hear it being read into a microphone during "not fade away" - it reads to me exactly like a poem Spike is composing in his head at the moment it's happening.
I never really thought of Spike/Faith as a pairing, (though to be fair, I've seen nothing of S7 Buffy, and very little of Buffy in general after S3) but you do make your case well, especially as this is yet another example of Spike falling for slayer mystique - and Faith has a very special brand of slayer mystique. Him acting on the thoughts he has here would be very interesting. And in the end, it really doesn't matter if I beleive in the pairing or not, this fic is simply too gorgeous to pass up for a reason as petty as that. :)
***
Strange Rebirth (Angel/Firefly)
(14+, Cordy/Saffron, post-Trash, pre-S4 Angel)
I've gotta admit, crossing these two settings over throws me, but I suppose it's entirely possible that the Firefly 'verse is just the future of the Buffy/Angel Earth or an entirely different dimension that the PTB dumped Cordy in - perhaps to prevent the mess with Jasmine entirely?
As with quite a few well-written crossovers, the whys and hows are secondary to the story itself, how the characters interact with each other.
I have to say right off the bat that your Cordy voice is perfect - and she is one of my very very favourites - and I especially like the two remarks that come right at the beginning of the fic.
Cordelia opened her eyes to pure, unbroken blackness.
What, no more white light?
It wasn’t until she blinked and could feel her eyelids move that she realized she wasn’t floating in some higher state, waiting to be processed or for a messenger from the Powers to reassign her.
She was actually, physically awake, and she was shut up in a box. There was no padding and the metal was cold against her bare arms, lower calves, and feet, chilly even through the clothes covering the rest of her body.
Can’t a half-demon oracle get a better burial?
Cordelia rolled her eyes, though no one else was around to appreciate the movement, and she couldn’t really be certain her eyes were actually open for it anyway. They felt open, but the darkness was so unrelieved she could have been staring at the insides of her eyelids for all she knew.
I love the touches that just scream Cordy - that she rolls her eyes, that she can't resist snarky comments even inside her own head. I also love how visceral and real you make things - belying Cordy's later and frequent insisance that this is a dream with rich details and the vividness of both the pitch blackness and the metal against her skin.
That vividness of detail continues through the whole fic, especially the description of both times the air is running out and Cordy can't breathe. I also love the description of - oh let's just call her Saffron for ease - and Cordy's assesment of her as a pretty - faux gentle Southern lady space pirate? - woman. It made sense, she’d been many things in life - high school A-list, starving actor, administrative assistant with a side of demon hunting, part-demon with visions, pure higher power - so her death would be full of unnatural things, like dreaming up space ships and metal prisons which weren’t actually locked and-really, with the gun and all, the woman was more like a space cowboy.
You have to admire Cordy's logic, even if she's dead wrong about this being her dream.
The joy of a crossover like this, as I said, is just letting the characters play againt each other, and I'm particularily enamoured of this section for how much Cordy understands, even if the readers are the ones who truly appriciate the full weight of what Saffron is saying.
“Who are you?”
The woman was prettier when she smiled. “Mallory.”
She was lying, she was too amused at herself to be telling the truth, there was too much laughter in her eyes, but Cordelia didn’t care.
“Do your friends call you Mal?”
The smile shook, just at the corners of her mouth. When it solidified again, there was something cold and dangerous to her, something predatory Cordelia associated with vampires, even the cuddly, teddy bear kind like Angel.
Words fail me as to how much I love that last sentence. Perfect Cordy voice. Perfect description of both Saffron and Angel. Perfect perfect perfect. I love that without realizing why, Cordy zones in on the perfect thing to say to crack Saffron.
Now, having seen that this was written for a femslash challange, I was prepared for the f/f action - but I especially appreciate that you didn't push it, or take it overboard. Saffron kissing girls - especially with the intent of knocking them out - is perfectly canon, and Cordy being not totally inexperienced felt right too - especially since you point out exactly how little action Cordy got during Angel.
She leaned forward and kissed Cordelia, her mouth open, lips firm. Her lipstick was thick and sweet, slicked across their mouths.
Cordelia hadn’t kissed hardly anyone over the years in Los Angeles, and she hadn’t kissed very many women at all throughout her life. Involuntarily her hand slid from Mallory’s cheek into her hair. Despite everything, she hadn’t forgotten how to do it, and this was a good one.
The world spun, and at first she thought it was a good thing, just a reaction to the kiss and being touched for the first time in so long. When she pulled back and opened her eyes, darkness ate at the edges of her vision and she started a long, slow fall, down the stairs and into unconsciousness.
I don’t like this dream anymore.
Perfect - forgive the expression - fade to black. One thing I notice about your writing in general that I like is the use of sections, and how you are able to give definite beginnings and ending to them while still keeping the flow of a complete story. It's something I try for in my own work, so that may be why I notice it, and admire how well you pull it off.
The next section, where Saffron shows her true colours, is pure fun, because it's Saffron at her devious best, and Cordy at her so-much-more-beneth-the-surface best. I love how quickly the tables are turned, first on Saffron, with Cordy breaking the bomds with her half demon strength, and then on both of them, with Saffron's pursurers
A particular touch I liked was this lie of Saffron's:
“You caught me out.” Mallory’s smile was as wide and kind as ever. “My real name is Saffron, I’m married to this no good piece of lan dong shi-that means garbage, sweetie-named Mal Reynolds. That’s why I called myself Mallory when I got away from him. He’s a bad man, Cordelia, a thief and a liar, you have to believe me.”
“So far he sounds a lot like you.”
“He’s a killer too, and I just take what I must to get by.”
Maybe it's Saffron's insistance that "you've got to beleive me" that makes me think that she herself doesn't beleive it.
I suppose the only major beef I have with this story is the ending; it feels very sudden, and really more like a middle than an ending. I really want to cry "but then what happened?" It cries out for continuation, in my mind.
Cordelia fell sideways and landed hard against the chair. She hit her head, but the pain faded fast, and she was unconscious again before she continued to the floor.
When she woke up again, she didn’t remember being Cordelia, or a part demon oracle, or even a higher power. She thought she might have once been called Mallory, and no one would tell her why she was in jail.
Cordy's amnisia is sudden, but seems dramatically fitting; it's just that the story never devellops it, and I find that frustrating, because it feels like the scenario has so much potential.
One final nit-pick, something I couldn't help but notice:
“Thought you said your name was Saffron,” Cordelia gasped. Her eyelids grew heavy and she blinked, slower each time. “Where will they take us?”
“Jail,” Mallory-Saffron-Bridget whispered. “Least ’til I break free.”
Cordy having mentally amended Saffron to a caonglomeration of her alias amused me greatly, and is somethig I see often in fic with Saffron, but I have to point out that the name "Bridgit" never comes up in this fic. The last thing Cordy hears Saffron being called is Yolanda. A very minor detail, but it jarred me, especially as the rest of this fic is consistantly Cordy's pov.
Overall, I enjoyed this story alot; it did justice to both characters and settings, and in general felt very Joss-esque.
Pitch Black/Chronicles of Riddick
An Imposter of an Imposter was Still a Fake
(13+, no real pairing, set during CoR)
Very very dark and delicious Kyra pov. You pretty much cut to the heart of the character here, and I love it. I love that you draw a paralell between Kyra masqurading as Jak, and and Kyra building a new, Riddick-esque persona - and that Kyra acknowledges one is as false as the other.
Incidentally, I think the first line of this fic as posted on both Escritoireazul and your LJ has a typo in it:
Kyra was imposter
Am I right in assuming there should be an "an" there? Or was that a deliberate stylistic choice that went right over my head?
***
Some Things Should Hurt
(13+, no pairing, Pre-PB)
Just like the previous drabble is a perfect examination of Kyra's motivations, this is a perfect glimpse into Riddick's head. You really give a feal here for how the events of Riddick's life have turned him into what he is - and how on a very deep level, that bothers him very much.
The last sentence is just... dark and wonderful in that "makes-me-shiver" kind of way.
Other
Behind Her Silence Lies (LOST)
(13+, Spoilers for House of the Rising Sun)
This just utterly and completely blew me away. I almost missed this one, because I've only managed to see up to Episode 1.08 of LOST, and have managed to stay unspoiled for the rest of it, but when I saw this was Sun backstory, I had to risk it.
I'm so very happy I did, because this fic is nothing short of breathtaking. Every word in it feels perfectly true and explains so much about the woman we see onscreen.
I love the poem you quote at the beginning, the appropriateness of it and how you took the title from it. I love how you start each section with a short statement about Sun - "Once, when she was but a child, Sun must have thought the world was fair." "When she is alone, Sun sees flowers, even when her eyes are closed." "Sun has known flowers her entire life." "She does not hate." - and then expand on it, exploring how as you say in the summery, flowers have been the only constant in her life, her safe harbor and her joy.
This makes the gesture of Jin offering her the flower so much more poingient.
I absolutely love the idea that she wants to stay on the island, she likes it here, where the flora that has only once betrayed her - and even then it was her own fault - is everywhere.
Sun has no beliefs anymore, except for this: The plants need her, and swell with life when she touches them gently. They accept her caresses, and she can give them to the others. The herbs allow her to help.
The only reason Sun remains alive is because the fauna has taken her in, and processes her drowning thoughts.
I love this. I love this more than I can really express. Thanks so much for this story.
***
She Has the Best Secret (Mean Girls)
(13+, Cady/Regina)
Another pairing that threw me back a bit - I didn't really see much chemestry of that kind between the two of them, but it could just be I didn't have an eye for it - I'll have to watch it again. I certainly can't deny that Cady devellops an obsession with Regina, and you progress smoothly from Cady's feelings for Aaron to a bit of background that makes it all make sense, and is perfectly plausible.
She likes him, and she's never really liked a boy before. Well, once, but it didn't turn out, and ever since she's been surrounded by girls. Not girls like American high school girls who are really more like women, but no women she's seen before, but girls all the same.
Cady understands them, their rituals, their dances. She never pierces her face, never puts a disk in her lip, but she knows why they do it. She knows the rules, and knows how close she can get before she has to give them up to the men.
She knows all about being segregated by gender, and how it's impossible to stay completely unsexed, and how the adults just smile and look the other way, as long as the girls remain virgins. There are plenty of things to do without lowering their bride prices, and Cady has done them all.
Not here, though, and she never thought she would, because here her actions have a label and it's negative. She's already different enough as it is.
This never occured to me, but it's consistant with Cady's background, and it jives with how utterly lost she is with all of it.
Regina clings, and thrusts, and trembles. She makes little whimpering noises in the back of her throat, and Cady thinks it's the sexiest sound she's ever heard. It's animal, and territorial, and Cady really, really likes it.
I love this part - because it's so Cady, so in tune with Cady's animalistic view of the world. She never compares the people in her new enviro0nment to the people back home, she compares them to the animals.
The description of the sex itself in general is well done, very hot, and I especially like Cady's musings on whether and how exactly this happened before she came into the picture. I can't help but wonder what Regina's point of view on all this is, but at the same time am pretty sure it isn't anywhere near as interesting as Cady's - she's just not that deep.
Sometimes Cady wonders what rule this falls under in Girl World. After all, Janis thinks Regina is the enemy because Regina calls her a dyke. But then Regina straddles Cady, undulates against her, and how can the word be an insult when the actions feel so good?
Cady doesn't let herself think about it too much. Instead she just marvels at all the things she doesn't understand, and enjoys the physical things she does, and, secretly, feels smug because she and Regina have the best secret of all.
I love this bit - mostly because I want to know the answers myself, and also because it shows how Cady lets herself get sucked in so totally into Girl World - a shadowing of the disasters to come.
Overall I love the feel of this fic - how it flows smoothly, never needing to be broken up, from one theme to the next like a well written essay.
Like a lot of well-written small-fandom femslash I've found, once I got over the idea of the pairing and shut up and dug it, I had a hell of a good time. Well done. :)
Overall Comments
We didn't technically have to do this, but I wanted to give you some feedback on your work as a whole - at least what I read of it.
I admit I didn't read everything. Most of the Buffy lost me due to the pairings involed, (Angel/Willow and Faith/Wesly weren't things I could get my head around), I didn't feel right reading the Lost Boys stuff because it'd been so long since I'd seen the canon that I didn't feel I could give it a fair shake, and I didn't want to start in on any of the series due to time constraints.
Still, I read most of everything else, and definately liked what I read. As I stated above, I really like your finess with sections, how how have a gift for when to split a fic up, and how to do it while not making the result feel choppy. At the same time you show an ability in other fics to have one thread all the way through - I'm very impressed at how well you handle both styles.
You have a gift for drabbles - packing a great punch in a few words. This gift for word choice also shows in the longer fics, at how good you are with descriptives and emotions.
If you have a weak spot, I'd say it was for dialouge - there's very little of it, and in fact you're strongest when you're working from someone else's dialouge and instead telling us why the characters said what they said. That said the dialouge you have written is pretty darn good, and true to character.
As a last note, I also wanted to say I love your titles - how you have a tendency in the shorter peices and drabbles to isolate a particularily meaningful line from the fic and let it stand for the whole thing. Makes for wordy, but evocative titles.
I'm sorry this took so long for me to put together and put up, I hope you found it useful or at least entertaining. :)