THE BIG BANG
I always kind of looked down on people who did these live journals, i can't deny it. I really want to start writing though, and although i tell myself i'll pick up a pen and get to it I just never do. Maybe if I'm typing it and I feel like somebody is reading it I'll be motivated. It's really hard to be motivated though, let me tell you. Right now my life consists of working at Things Remembered, hanging out doing nothing or close to nothing at Brett's or drinking, whether it's at the bar or sitting in my room with a glass of wine next to the computer screen. Speaking of which, I could use a refill. Please hold.
Ok back on track. There is a gigantic St. Bernard sitting outside of my room hoping upon hope that he will be granted entry and possible a bite of the large bloody steak that he is sure I have hiding in here. Sorry buddy, if you come in here you will surely pop the air mattress that is my bed and if I had a steak you can bet I'd sell it to a higher bidder. He's damn cute though. Ok, gotta pet the sweet thing. Please hold.
Did my duty. Anyway. Moving on.
So back to my little post-graduation existence. I worry about money a lot. Mine and Brett's. I wonder what I'll do with my life, but in that "what's going to happen" kind of way rather than that "what is my next step" kind that my parents are looking for. The whole grad school thing will happen someday Mom, don't worry. It's just not at the top of my list right now. What is at the top of my list though? I honestly don't know. It's a question I try to answer day by day. Sometimes it's getting up and going to work. Sometimes it's doing laundry. Sometimes it's paying bills, or cleaning my room, or getting my oil changed. I'm only 22 and my priorities have become those "everyday things."
But I'm not unhappy. I've got the pills to prove it. I'm content. I'm good enough. I'm "fine," if you will. There is nothing wrong, and there are plenty of good things. I have a boy in my life who I love with all my heart and who is as much in love with me. I don't worry about that ending, so I have stability as well as love in that aspect of my life. I have a family who will be there for me till the cows come home and friends that have known me all the years of my life and STILL love me. It's crazy to me too, don't worry. I'm sad that some of my best friends are leaving after graduation, but the important ones, aka Maureen, I'll never really have to lose. There is no big event coming up to worry about- I have a place to live for the next year or so, I'm not getting married anytime soon (yes, exhale Brett and Dad), I already did the graduation thing and the 21st birthday thing and apparently I"m just an official grownup now. So maybe I'm bored? Or just satisfied? But I think I'm too young to be satisfied and thus I"m worried. Or maybe I"m worried just to feel something other than sameness. Maybe that's why I drink so much, because it's a feeling other than the sameness I feel all day, everyday, and that I expect to continue feeling for quite some time. Ew. So that's what I do about it? I'm bored so I get drunk? Shouldn't I go do something real, like skydive or feed the homeless or excercise once in awhile?
I think I'm just not really sure about my place in life and so I separated from myself. So it's not ME who feels un-placed, it's someone else, and thus the feeling doesn't actually hit me. And if it tries to I have a box of wine in the fridge that can kick its ass good.
Ok so am I not happy as I previously claimed? Because damn, if I was reading this I would have long ago decided that this person is rather depressed, if not an alcoholic. I've been called worse I suppose. Well, I've been called both of those things and I guess there isn't much worse than when it's true. I feel okay though, so that's confusing.
You know, this has got to be incredibly boring for anyone who is reading it, but I have to tell you that it's really opening some doors for me. I haven't allowed myself the time to be this insightful for a good year at least. Which is sad, because this isn't even a smidgen of the insightfulness I've delved into in previous years. Maybe that's a godsend though, because that was back when I was depressed and an alcoholic.
Ok back on track. There is a gigantic St. Bernard sitting outside of my room hoping upon hope that he will be granted entry and possible a bite of the large bloody steak that he is sure I have hiding in here. Sorry buddy, if you come in here you will surely pop the air mattress that is my bed and if I had a steak you can bet I'd sell it to a higher bidder. He's damn cute though. Ok, gotta pet the sweet thing. Please hold.
Did my duty. Anyway. Moving on.
So back to my little post-graduation existence. I worry about money a lot. Mine and Brett's. I wonder what I'll do with my life, but in that "what's going to happen" kind of way rather than that "what is my next step" kind that my parents are looking for. The whole grad school thing will happen someday Mom, don't worry. It's just not at the top of my list right now. What is at the top of my list though? I honestly don't know. It's a question I try to answer day by day. Sometimes it's getting up and going to work. Sometimes it's doing laundry. Sometimes it's paying bills, or cleaning my room, or getting my oil changed. I'm only 22 and my priorities have become those "everyday things."
But I'm not unhappy. I've got the pills to prove it. I'm content. I'm good enough. I'm "fine," if you will. There is nothing wrong, and there are plenty of good things. I have a boy in my life who I love with all my heart and who is as much in love with me. I don't worry about that ending, so I have stability as well as love in that aspect of my life. I have a family who will be there for me till the cows come home and friends that have known me all the years of my life and STILL love me. It's crazy to me too, don't worry. I'm sad that some of my best friends are leaving after graduation, but the important ones, aka Maureen, I'll never really have to lose. There is no big event coming up to worry about- I have a place to live for the next year or so, I'm not getting married anytime soon (yes, exhale Brett and Dad), I already did the graduation thing and the 21st birthday thing and apparently I"m just an official grownup now. So maybe I'm bored? Or just satisfied? But I think I'm too young to be satisfied and thus I"m worried. Or maybe I"m worried just to feel something other than sameness. Maybe that's why I drink so much, because it's a feeling other than the sameness I feel all day, everyday, and that I expect to continue feeling for quite some time. Ew. So that's what I do about it? I'm bored so I get drunk? Shouldn't I go do something real, like skydive or feed the homeless or excercise once in awhile?
I think I'm just not really sure about my place in life and so I separated from myself. So it's not ME who feels un-placed, it's someone else, and thus the feeling doesn't actually hit me. And if it tries to I have a box of wine in the fridge that can kick its ass good.
Ok so am I not happy as I previously claimed? Because damn, if I was reading this I would have long ago decided that this person is rather depressed, if not an alcoholic. I've been called worse I suppose. Well, I've been called both of those things and I guess there isn't much worse than when it's true. I feel okay though, so that's confusing.
You know, this has got to be incredibly boring for anyone who is reading it, but I have to tell you that it's really opening some doors for me. I haven't allowed myself the time to be this insightful for a good year at least. Which is sad, because this isn't even a smidgen of the insightfulness I've delved into in previous years. Maybe that's a godsend though, because that was back when I was depressed and an alcoholic.