(no subject)
When will I finally die? Watch, I'll live to be 100 and suffering from 5+ diseases just because that's how life is for me. I feel like shit right now. I'm usually in the shower by now these past few days but I just don't know how the day went by so fast. I still didn't do my homework and it's a full day tomorrow, also my lab day. That means only 1 study hall with no friends and a 6 1/2 hour shitty day. My mom and I are kinda upset with each other right now. She says that my problems are going to kill her. Actually, they are going to kill me someday because I'm not taking care of myself as much as I should be. She then proceeds to tell me that I'm her only joy in life. I told her that she's contradicting herself because she said my problems are so upsetting to her and now I'm her only joy. I think she started to cry after that. I wasn't paying attention. I can't even cry anymore lately. I have been depressed for almost six years and it doesn't look like she wants to do anything to help me. Maybe I'm just feeling this way lately because the holidays are coming up and I wanted to cook Thanksgiving dinner but nobody seemed to believe me that I could/would/should do it. Just because I'm 15 doesn't mean anything. I am the most mature one in this family, including my stupid extended family (yes, the money grubbing aunt, uncle, and cousins) and I hate being treated like I'm nothing. I am so frustrated and angry right now that I can't even see straight. I'm fed up with this stupid shit and I hate my life. I can't adequately describe the anger that I am feeling. I want to scream and cry and hit something. I want this burden that I have felt for the past 6 years to be lifted off my shoulders finally. I...I don't know what to do and I'm scared and alone. I hate putting on a fake smile everyday and trying not to cry. I'm always in pain although I am usually able to hide it. I'm rambling on right now because I'm trying to get something to come out to make me feel better but I don't know what I need to realize. I'm so confused. I need major help. I think I'm having a breakdown for real this time. Everything just seems to be getting blurry and...I don't know.