what im discovering
so through my counslor...my friends..and just being alone...and writing alot...
here's my conclusions so far
I like to be in the spot light...just how ive always been, as a kid and now. thats why i sing, its why i dance..its why i do the drag shows. why when everybodys drinking im the one dancing. i like to make people smile and laugh. thats why im the goof ball. and i dont mind making a fool out of myself to get attention....this unforuately however led me to be someone im not. I like it when people like me. when girls flirt with me it makes me feel good. but i mixed that up for feeling like..i needed to give back...and i didnt cause when i did it never felt right...felt sickening actually. thats cause i was being something im not...im not a player...im not someone that can sleep around. im not someone who could have a one night stand...im not someone that could have harems and multiple girlfreinds.
and i don't want that.
I am someone that wants to find a one and only and be true to her and make her feel good. because i like spoiling my girlfreinds. i always have. and what ive learned is i need to accept all of their attention and nobody elses cause then it could damage a good thing. I need to be able to learn how to give all of my attention to the one im with. maybe they dont like being in the spot light. but they can be in mine. and ill be in nobody elses.
however i also know that i can't have this right now. im not ready. for a relationship of any kind. sex..dating. long term. I'm too hurt. I'm too hateful of my actions. and i need to forgive myself. and I need to heal. its really sad when im with people that like me i feel absolutely nothing...no giddy feelings. nothing. i can have some kinda fun with them as friends. thats about it. and i accept that fun because it takes my mind off of things.
people i've been talkin to online. again i feel nothing past you're a good friend to talk to. and thats sad maybe in a year ill be ready again. but for now its time to focus on me. and simple things in life. like longboarding. snowboarding,photography. road trips. thigns that are innocent and fun. its not time for sex and relationships right now. just good friends. and good times. thats what i can handle right now. and its hard...its lonely....but when i think about being loved i think of shy...i think of her holding me...and giving that to me...and its not right because she doesnt and cant give it... i have to let it go....to think of her as a friend...and thats really hard. im still in love with her. i miss her everyday i dream of her every night. when she talks to me i cry after. and i want to see her so bad to just hang out..to see how we could handle it together..but i know it would be more heartbreaking than good....i'd want to reminisc....or hold her hand and cuddle....and thats just not right. and i wouldnt want to be rejected.
its really sad all of this....we were so good. and its so weird not being with someone who up until the last day you felt a connection in their kiss and hug and holdering their hand...most relationships end because the feelings are gone..or you know whatever....this is so different. and it just really hurts. but you know...one day...we'll both be ok again. ..one day at a time.
so thats what ive discovered so far...
also that i look good in girls clothes...and i dont think about trans stuff anymore. but i still accept that im not completely girl and completely guy..im just somewhere in between.
one of these days ill forgive myself for hurting the most beautiful person to walk into my life....till then i hope she knos i love her. and that if i had it to do all over again. i'd hold her tight the way i always did when we were together and when we werent together i'd remind myself when i looked at another girl that it just wouldn't be worth it....but thats not what i did...hard lesson to learn... and ill never make that mistake again.
here's my conclusions so far
I like to be in the spot light...just how ive always been, as a kid and now. thats why i sing, its why i dance..its why i do the drag shows. why when everybodys drinking im the one dancing. i like to make people smile and laugh. thats why im the goof ball. and i dont mind making a fool out of myself to get attention....this unforuately however led me to be someone im not. I like it when people like me. when girls flirt with me it makes me feel good. but i mixed that up for feeling like..i needed to give back...and i didnt cause when i did it never felt right...felt sickening actually. thats cause i was being something im not...im not a player...im not someone that can sleep around. im not someone who could have a one night stand...im not someone that could have harems and multiple girlfreinds.
and i don't want that.
I am someone that wants to find a one and only and be true to her and make her feel good. because i like spoiling my girlfreinds. i always have. and what ive learned is i need to accept all of their attention and nobody elses cause then it could damage a good thing. I need to be able to learn how to give all of my attention to the one im with. maybe they dont like being in the spot light. but they can be in mine. and ill be in nobody elses.
however i also know that i can't have this right now. im not ready. for a relationship of any kind. sex..dating. long term. I'm too hurt. I'm too hateful of my actions. and i need to forgive myself. and I need to heal. its really sad when im with people that like me i feel absolutely nothing...no giddy feelings. nothing. i can have some kinda fun with them as friends. thats about it. and i accept that fun because it takes my mind off of things.
people i've been talkin to online. again i feel nothing past you're a good friend to talk to. and thats sad maybe in a year ill be ready again. but for now its time to focus on me. and simple things in life. like longboarding. snowboarding,photography. road trips. thigns that are innocent and fun. its not time for sex and relationships right now. just good friends. and good times. thats what i can handle right now. and its hard...its lonely....but when i think about being loved i think of shy...i think of her holding me...and giving that to me...and its not right because she doesnt and cant give it... i have to let it go....to think of her as a friend...and thats really hard. im still in love with her. i miss her everyday i dream of her every night. when she talks to me i cry after. and i want to see her so bad to just hang out..to see how we could handle it together..but i know it would be more heartbreaking than good....i'd want to reminisc....or hold her hand and cuddle....and thats just not right. and i wouldnt want to be rejected.
its really sad all of this....we were so good. and its so weird not being with someone who up until the last day you felt a connection in their kiss and hug and holdering their hand...most relationships end because the feelings are gone..or you know whatever....this is so different. and it just really hurts. but you know...one day...we'll both be ok again. ..one day at a time.
so thats what ive discovered so far...
also that i look good in girls clothes...and i dont think about trans stuff anymore. but i still accept that im not completely girl and completely guy..im just somewhere in between.
one of these days ill forgive myself for hurting the most beautiful person to walk into my life....till then i hope she knos i love her. and that if i had it to do all over again. i'd hold her tight the way i always did when we were together and when we werent together i'd remind myself when i looked at another girl that it just wouldn't be worth it....but thats not what i did...hard lesson to learn... and ill never make that mistake again.