yo
wow, havent wrote in such a long time... was looking through all my journal entries.. its amazing of how far i've come since the beginning of school.. and all the people i met... all the drama that i lived through.. and all the drama my friends have lived through... good times though.. Life is filled with drama.. and it always will be. I realized that i am never going to be relaxed.. i am never going to be drama-free.. no matter what road i take in life there is going to be drama.. i guess it is just how i deal with it that will make a difference.. I am kind of getting sick of some people.. and their attitudes.. i hate how she makes me feel all the time... if you love someone... why would you ALWAYS make them feel like shit? I hate how it is always my fault when things go wrong.. and the reason things go wrong are because of me... i dont understand... i dont really understand much of anything though...she's out of here though.. not sure if i am sad.. or relieved... in some ways i am sad.. because i do still love her.. and the more i think about it.. she might be the only one i have ever loved.. i thought i loved maybe 1 more.. but now that i feel the way i did/do.. i know i didn't.. so in some ways i am sad that she is leaving...kind of hope she just finds how to be happy... obviously it is not me.. as a b/f or just a regular friend.. i tried.. my chest hurts. i hate this love shit.. it never seems to work.. being loved and not loving back.. loving when your not suppose to..sucks..i am happy with my situation right now.. i have some of the best friends in the world.. and def. charly is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.. i have learned a lot from her.. she's just a great person.. I feel that i am growing up.. slowly but surely..just sometimes i feel so trapt. what is my problem? loving someone i am not suppose to.. and not loving someone that i def. should love... damn.. this love shit is tricky.. i am a strong believer in fate.. fate and god eventually will show me the way.. for now i think of it as only 2 roads.. but it might not even be the 2 roads i am thinking of right now.. it could be a completely different road..just wish i could figure it out..my chest hurts.. i think i am feeling heartbreak.. jac will move on.. what does she want to do with me? i still have 2 years of school.. and she is done..timing is off.. wish i was 22.. and graduating.. all i know is.. no matter what happens.. there is always going to be a space for her in my heart.. i know that probally isn't the best thing.. but i just cant think of it any other way.. she will eventually move on.. maybe one day.. i will too.