...And I'm thinking awful things...
I thought I was past this point. I thought although my mind wandered back an forth every now and then, I had moved on allowing myself to live my life normally. It seems however that I have found myself back to square one and I am sick. I did it again. I don't know why, I was fine, then it entered my mind. The addiction over came me, and now I know that I will never move past this point. I am stuck forever in the world that I have created for myself.
I did it, and now I'm sick. I feel sick to my stomach, and I don't want to tell anyone, I don't want to talk to anyone, I'm forced to once again rehearse the plaster a smile upon my face that says 'I am who you want me to be.' Instead of Help, that I want to scream, but I am too scared to allow myself to utter. The words are there inside my head, but the moment they bubble up I push them back down and smother myself to keep them from coming to the surface again. I have a problem, yet I can't move past that point.
He cried, and she worried, could I put that card upon the table again. They've just let it go and allowed me to move forward, I don't want to go back there, yet it feels now that I've retreated past even that point and am looking at myself in a mirror and made to judge myself. It's not even him now, As I feel everyday I still love, it comes back in lesser degrees now, and on lesser intervals, yet it's still there. I can live with it though, I've moved past that point. It's myself that now I must take a strong look at. Am I at all who I say I am.
And how now can I hide? I'm out there, and I am infront of all, yet they see only my shell, they know nothing of me. I can't tell them... My trust comes only in waves, I cannot put myself out there with the fear of it leaking out, and I don't want it to. I want to stop, but I don't. I know it as wrong only because they tell me it is. I'm okay, but I'm not. I'm scared. Scared to death that what I knew back then has come back to me again.
I want Becca right now, but I feel at the same time that if I talk to her, it will become worse, because she has my emotions bound to her through some weird connection that we share. Our senses are bound together and unable to come undone. I feel that she is in deeper, but I am on the edge trying, and she is pulling me towards her. She wants me better, but she has so much, that I allow myself to become pulled into what she feels.
Bottom line: I'm scared to death. I feel sick to my stomach. Here we go again...
I did it, and now I'm sick. I feel sick to my stomach, and I don't want to tell anyone, I don't want to talk to anyone, I'm forced to once again rehearse the plaster a smile upon my face that says 'I am who you want me to be.' Instead of Help, that I want to scream, but I am too scared to allow myself to utter. The words are there inside my head, but the moment they bubble up I push them back down and smother myself to keep them from coming to the surface again. I have a problem, yet I can't move past that point.
He cried, and she worried, could I put that card upon the table again. They've just let it go and allowed me to move forward, I don't want to go back there, yet it feels now that I've retreated past even that point and am looking at myself in a mirror and made to judge myself. It's not even him now, As I feel everyday I still love, it comes back in lesser degrees now, and on lesser intervals, yet it's still there. I can live with it though, I've moved past that point. It's myself that now I must take a strong look at. Am I at all who I say I am.
And how now can I hide? I'm out there, and I am infront of all, yet they see only my shell, they know nothing of me. I can't tell them... My trust comes only in waves, I cannot put myself out there with the fear of it leaking out, and I don't want it to. I want to stop, but I don't. I know it as wrong only because they tell me it is. I'm okay, but I'm not. I'm scared. Scared to death that what I knew back then has come back to me again.
I want Becca right now, but I feel at the same time that if I talk to her, it will become worse, because she has my emotions bound to her through some weird connection that we share. Our senses are bound together and unable to come undone. I feel that she is in deeper, but I am on the edge trying, and she is pulling me towards her. She wants me better, but she has so much, that I allow myself to become pulled into what she feels.
Bottom line: I'm scared to death. I feel sick to my stomach. Here we go again...