self reflection

[livinjesusstyle]

so i always thought i was the type of person who liked to talk about what and how they were feeling but i started discovering yesterday that i'm almost the opposite. i mean, sure i like to get things off my chest and i always feel better after i've done that but yesterday i was pretty upset about my whole dad situation and i was talking to nick on the phone and he could obviously tell i was upset...i mean i started crying. and for some reason it was hard for me to talk about what was going on. not because i don't trust nick, because i definitely do...i trust him more than anyone. but maybe it was also just the simple fact that i didn't want to have to face the facts and i really don't want to see my dad for who he truly is. when i was younger my dad was my superhero. he could really do no wrong in my eyes. i was the epitomy of daddy's little girl. but things have changed and so has he. or maybe he hasn't, maybe he was like this all along and i was just too young to see who he really is. my dad is a liar, a cheat, and a coward. i have little to no respect for him at all and i can't trust him with anything. but beside all that i also believe he's a troubled and a mess, and i feel bad for him in that respect. although he doesn't really show it, he needs love. as much as i feel like just abandoning him, giving up on him, and just erasing him out of my life all together, i just can't. you have no idea how much i wish i could, life would be much easier and happier. but life isn't all about it being easy and happy all the time, although life can be these things. it's also about perservering through the hardest times and showing love to those it's hardest to love, because that's what Jesus would want out of us. lately i've just been keeping everything bottled up and it's literally been killing me slowly. it's been eating me alive inside. i don't want to talk about my feelings to my mom because she's hurting enough and i don't feel that i need to burden her with my hurt as well. i need to tell my dad how i feel, i understand this but he's unstable and i don't know what he would do if i told him what i really thought of him. but then again he's a 50 something year old man, he really needs to learn to grow up and take some freaking responsibility for what he's done to his life and my family's. it's his fault, all of it. none of us did anything wrong. none of us told him to cheat and lie numerous times. i'm really just rambling a lot right now. there's so many thoughts going through my head right now and class is just about over, so i might come back later and write more but i just really needed to get some of my thoughts out before my brain exploded...that's been happening a lot lately.

why don't you come right out and say it. i'd rather have the truth than something insincere. - relient k.