(no subject)
Amazingly, every feeling I've had lately just like, collapsed. Fully collapsed.
I've kept a secret since sophomore year, I've kept more secrets this year that I'm even more sadden by. I'm unable to release any of this, purely because I don't know how reactions will be. This is going to be a rant, but it's the best way I can express it.
The best part is, I'm never thanked.
"I'm never thanked."
It's not a bad thing, but the fact that you're smiling ends up showing my sense of success - which was my ultimate goal, correct? Althrough I say this, I'm still a selfish person. The only thing that keeps me from showing most of my selfishness, is my shyness. I'm a shy selfish bastard, hah. I'll create situations, sometimes, to better the situation for other people. Chances are, I wish I was in the shoes of somebody involved in the outcome of the situation, but I know I can't be. I enjoy seeing your smile, hearing your laugh, and knowing you're happy - and in these few moments, I forget about myself, and just become happy.
I wonder if it's a definition of being dependent? It possibly could be.
"...definition of being dependent?"
If I'm constantly in love with the social life I've created for myself, and fear the lonliness I endure constantly - why do I continue to live it? I create dependency on other people's emotions, happy or sad, or do I live my own - and not express myself truly deep enough? As that probably doesn't make sense to you, because it hardly does to me to begin with - I can try to explain. I express my feelings, true feelings, in poetry. If I just talked to a female, then wrote a poem about a female, chances are: any emotions in that poetry are emotions I feel about you. I'm so incredibly shy, and it sucks - because you never know unless you try, and I never try. I fear rejection, and fear the worse. I'm the type of guy that'll lie to you for years, saying I feel nothing for you - play it off for the most part, and then when alone, I'll be sleepless because I'm thinking of you. I've felt incredibly mixed between people before, and it hurts because I don't know how to express this newfound feeling. There's so much I want to tell some of these people I talk to everyday, what I think of them - but I know my words will be taking literally for what they are (if I'm speaking literally, why shouldn't they then?), and things will change so rapidly. There's an equation for this change, it can result in a positive or negative field - something great can come from it, a better understandment, or something worse can come from it, deepest fears and lies realized, and all hope destroyed. Perhaps it's morbid to even think that lying to somebody, and not saying a word about how I feel just to remain close as a friend so I can lie to myself is okay.
My future is bitter, but hopeful and enlightning.
"...bitter, but hopeful..."
I love to contradict myself, I find it often in my writings, and in my actions. It's this trait I fail to lose, and will constantly keep with me forever. Uhm, I keep my prospects hopefuly because I know how life turns on an instant. Karma. I'll treat you just as you treated me. I'm selfish once again, I expect my good actions will bring goodness to me. This is where I'm undoubtily selfish, but I'll let this part out.
----
Okay, so I realized I wrote a lot, began a rant. I'm going to continue this later, but it's 2am-ish, and I do still have classes coming up. If you've read this much, I appreciate you - nameless or not, you're an appreciated person for reading and attempting to understand. Most likely, you're apart of it somewhere to begin with.
I've kept a secret since sophomore year, I've kept more secrets this year that I'm even more sadden by. I'm unable to release any of this, purely because I don't know how reactions will be. This is going to be a rant, but it's the best way I can express it.
The best part is, I'm never thanked.
"I'm never thanked."
It's not a bad thing, but the fact that you're smiling ends up showing my sense of success - which was my ultimate goal, correct? Althrough I say this, I'm still a selfish person. The only thing that keeps me from showing most of my selfishness, is my shyness. I'm a shy selfish bastard, hah. I'll create situations, sometimes, to better the situation for other people. Chances are, I wish I was in the shoes of somebody involved in the outcome of the situation, but I know I can't be. I enjoy seeing your smile, hearing your laugh, and knowing you're happy - and in these few moments, I forget about myself, and just become happy.
I wonder if it's a definition of being dependent? It possibly could be.
"...definition of being dependent?"
If I'm constantly in love with the social life I've created for myself, and fear the lonliness I endure constantly - why do I continue to live it? I create dependency on other people's emotions, happy or sad, or do I live my own - and not express myself truly deep enough? As that probably doesn't make sense to you, because it hardly does to me to begin with - I can try to explain. I express my feelings, true feelings, in poetry. If I just talked to a female, then wrote a poem about a female, chances are: any emotions in that poetry are emotions I feel about you. I'm so incredibly shy, and it sucks - because you never know unless you try, and I never try. I fear rejection, and fear the worse. I'm the type of guy that'll lie to you for years, saying I feel nothing for you - play it off for the most part, and then when alone, I'll be sleepless because I'm thinking of you. I've felt incredibly mixed between people before, and it hurts because I don't know how to express this newfound feeling. There's so much I want to tell some of these people I talk to everyday, what I think of them - but I know my words will be taking literally for what they are (if I'm speaking literally, why shouldn't they then?), and things will change so rapidly. There's an equation for this change, it can result in a positive or negative field - something great can come from it, a better understandment, or something worse can come from it, deepest fears and lies realized, and all hope destroyed. Perhaps it's morbid to even think that lying to somebody, and not saying a word about how I feel just to remain close as a friend so I can lie to myself is okay.
My future is bitter, but hopeful and enlightning.
"...bitter, but hopeful..."
I love to contradict myself, I find it often in my writings, and in my actions. It's this trait I fail to lose, and will constantly keep with me forever. Uhm, I keep my prospects hopefuly because I know how life turns on an instant. Karma. I'll treat you just as you treated me. I'm selfish once again, I expect my good actions will bring goodness to me. This is where I'm undoubtily selfish, but I'll let this part out.
----
Okay, so I realized I wrote a lot, began a rant. I'm going to continue this later, but it's 2am-ish, and I do still have classes coming up. If you've read this much, I appreciate you - nameless or not, you're an appreciated person for reading and attempting to understand. Most likely, you're apart of it somewhere to begin with.