No Not This.
Why do I distrust everyone? I look so often for the flaws, the telltale signs of humanity. I know I will find them and yet I still look and am still disappointed. What do I expect to see? Where could I ever find perfection? Certainly not here, not among us. Not this, no not this.
My father told me once that the number one reason he became a Christian is because he realized that he could not put all of his trust in any one person. Only God could supply the faithfulness he needed. I dunno, I think this makes a lot of sense to me.
But at the same time it's not the same as a human, as another person to be able to always and forever rely upon. It's so difficult to try to rely upon a God who seems so inscrutably intangible at times. So far away; distant from my own feelings and desires. Yes, God was a human at one point so He knows what I'm going through, He said so. But it just doesn't feel like it sometimes. There's God, and there's us and it feels like we're separate. I thought God was supposed to be in me, with me at all times, whispering in my ear, reassuring me of His love.
But I feel so alone sometimes and so futile. It can be like all this is just a big chase after something we can't have or never was there in the first place.
I think I just need some love.
My father told me once that the number one reason he became a Christian is because he realized that he could not put all of his trust in any one person. Only God could supply the faithfulness he needed. I dunno, I think this makes a lot of sense to me.
But at the same time it's not the same as a human, as another person to be able to always and forever rely upon. It's so difficult to try to rely upon a God who seems so inscrutably intangible at times. So far away; distant from my own feelings and desires. Yes, God was a human at one point so He knows what I'm going through, He said so. But it just doesn't feel like it sometimes. There's God, and there's us and it feels like we're separate. I thought God was supposed to be in me, with me at all times, whispering in my ear, reassuring me of His love.
But I feel so alone sometimes and so futile. It can be like all this is just a big chase after something we can't have or never was there in the first place.
I think I just need some love.