Things Are Looking Better
Had a nice talk with Larry last night. I think I finally got everything out that I needed to: my frustration with our relationship, needs, wants, etc. I felt a lot better afterwards, but during it hurt to feel those feelings. Too raw, too emotional. Shows my vunerabilites and I don't like being vunerable. When something really hurts I pretend it doesn't exist. I shelve it away, but the downfall to that is it always comes back, and hurts more the next time. You would think I would learn. Anyway, we shall see. He said he thought everything was ok with our relationship until last night. Either I wasn't commuicating it before, or he wasn't listening. Anyway, I made him understand that I need someone to listen, not fix my problems like he wants to. Maybe we have made some headway. We shall see....
Talked to Emett yesterday. He said he would like to come for xmas. That would be wonderful. I was thinking of having him in Jan or Feb, but he sounds like this is something he would like to do. I told him I would be unable to help him with the price of a ticket (he makes more $$ than I do anyway), so we shall see... When he was 18 he and I had a good talk. We honestly told each other how much the other had hurt us. He told me that when he was living with his father that his feelings were hurt that we never took him on family vacations. Strange, since he fought so hard to be with his dad, that he would want to be with us. I never did figure that one out. It hurt so much when he would do that, go back and forth like that, used to rip my heart out every time. I love Emett very much, but I tend to keep him at a distance so that I don't get hurt anymore. If Emett were to say, mom I hate you and never want to see you again, I would accept that and move on. However, if Isaac did that to me it would be devastating to me. I am so good at putting walls up and not letting people in. Then when I do let them in, and if they hurt me, it hurts so bad. I'm tired of being hurt.
I need to learn to forgive myself. I'm so good at forgiving others, but not me. I'm trying harder since I recognize it now, so maybe I'll continue to make head way on this one.
Mom shared with me that Kathy's cancer may be back. She goes in Fri for a biopsy. Please pray for her everyone. My brother and her are too happy to lose her....
Talked to Emett yesterday. He said he would like to come for xmas. That would be wonderful. I was thinking of having him in Jan or Feb, but he sounds like this is something he would like to do. I told him I would be unable to help him with the price of a ticket (he makes more $$ than I do anyway), so we shall see... When he was 18 he and I had a good talk. We honestly told each other how much the other had hurt us. He told me that when he was living with his father that his feelings were hurt that we never took him on family vacations. Strange, since he fought so hard to be with his dad, that he would want to be with us. I never did figure that one out. It hurt so much when he would do that, go back and forth like that, used to rip my heart out every time. I love Emett very much, but I tend to keep him at a distance so that I don't get hurt anymore. If Emett were to say, mom I hate you and never want to see you again, I would accept that and move on. However, if Isaac did that to me it would be devastating to me. I am so good at putting walls up and not letting people in. Then when I do let them in, and if they hurt me, it hurts so bad. I'm tired of being hurt.
I need to learn to forgive myself. I'm so good at forgiving others, but not me. I'm trying harder since I recognize it now, so maybe I'll continue to make head way on this one.
Mom shared with me that Kathy's cancer may be back. She goes in Fri for a biopsy. Please pray for her everyone. My brother and her are too happy to lose her....