(no subject)
little by little you have torn me down. i know you are aware of it because no one could do this unintentionally. i thought we had so much more than we did. i thought when you said best friends forever you meant it. i didnt think such a sweet and caring person like yourself could look me in the eye and flat out lie. ive come to face reality. ive known it for years, but up until this point i havent been able to accept it. trust me though, i get it now. you sent me clues and hints, and i get them all, i swear. i just dont fully understand how you can do this. its a weird feeling that i have that i really cant explain. i want to go back in the past and change everything so things wouldnt be like this but i cant, and i know that. thats why i am content with the past. im glad it all happened because if it hadnt, i would not be at the point in my life now that i am. i guess it has just hit my earlier than others. when we graduate highschool, there is no way you will stay in touch eith every single one of your best friends. and i feel like im graduating already because i have lost so many friends that i thought would stay with me until my senior year. i have thought and rethough again what it means to be a friend and i can clearly see that you dont want to be that. i never know what to do or say or even think around you anymore and friends shouldnt act like that. i shouldnt be scared to make you mad, because i know you'll forgive me. but i am and that is wrong. that is not the life i should lead or anyone who calls someone else a friend should lead. i know im not perfect, and im not her, and im not him, and i never will be, i just thought you would accept me for what i am instead of who i am. i can not change to become your friend and i wont. i wont waste my breath and my energy on it because i dont need to. i have so many other things in life to worry about and i dont want this to be one of them. when you were little, evberything was signed with a pinky promise, and you knew youd keep it for as long as you lived. you actually had the intention of keeping that promise. as we grow and change, we realize 8 years later how silly it was that you vowed your friendship on a pinky promise. its hard to accept people who pinky promised you 5, 6, 7, 8 years ago that they would always be your friend all the way til the end.
if you have a feeling this might be about you, it probably is.
this is all of my feelings from last night jumbled up into one confusing entry.
i wish we could stay little forever, never grow up and have to leave people behind, but it happens. i dont regret the past because it is made me what i am. if im not a person that you love and you want as a friend, then so be it. if im not good enough to satisfy you in what you want in a friend, then so be it. just dont forget the past. remember the fun times we had in 5th, 6th, 7th, even 8th grade. remember the good times and what we used to be. thats all i ask.
sorry that was so long and if you actually took the time to read it and you dont understand it, im sorry.
i definitely woke up to a mouse in my room this morning that scared the shit out of me. and no i dont have a pet mouse.
one more thing. im getting my hair done in a couple of weeks and i need to know what to do. if anyone has any ideas just for a style because i dont think im coloring it. ok thanksss.
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