Patching Things Up
Patching things up. I came back home because that's what I needed. I needed to be here in this depressing state for a little while. I need my family more than I care to admit. I've missed my sisters and my father. I've missed so much. Kelley knows I spent most of my days/nights crying over them and over my mother. I'd go for walks and talk to her and God. On the train rides I'd think about her and my family. About how different things are now.
This house is cold and empty. This isn't the same house I remember from growing up. The house I remember was always warm and inviting. There was always something cooking and walking in the front door was like being embraced by your mother and all the familiar smells of comfort and contentment. I miss my old home, I miss my mother and I miss my old family.
The train ride down from Poughkeepsie was short. I fell asleep the entire ride. The bus ride back home was very very long. While at Port Authority I freaked out, ran to the subway and was gonna take the A train back to Grand Central and back up to Kelley. But that's not where I belong. You and I both know I don't belong up there and that I never did.
So I sat on the floor between the Subway station and Port Authority and had myself a good long needed burst of tears. I got up and walked to the boarding gate for Silver Spring, number 76. I didn't sleep the entire bus ride home. I was thinking about crazy things. Thinking a lot about Kelley. About what my going home meant and means. I'm still not sure what it means. I know what I'd like for it to mean, but that doesn't mean it means that. Heh, I'm confusing myself.
My dream is to be happy. That is my ultimate goal. I just want to be happy. If I'm happy then I can do anything. I honestly don't know if I ever was happy. I'm happy when I'm with Kelley. But Kelley doesn't make me happy. I'm sometimes happy when I'm with my friends, but sometimes I feel like there's something missing. Going to Antigone Rising shows used to make me happy. I kinda see them differently now.
When Liliruth first saw me she totally ignored me and went upstairs to her room. After making sure she had gone upstairs I allowed myself to cry over it. My baby sister wouldn't even acknowledge me. That hurt so much. That was Friday night. Then Saturday she saw me, ignored me, I cried. Sunday came and nearly went, but then something happened.
Marie and I made eye contact for the first time in about five months. My big sister who I've missed so much, who I've needed so much. I wanted to look away and I know she did, too. But we just couldn't. We both instantly started crying. She put her things down and came and hugged me. The hug turned into her holding me and kissing me. My big sister still loved me. I cried so much with her. I couldn't even make whole sentences. Somehow I managed to tell her everything I'd been needing to say to her since before I left home.
I told her I needed her in my life. That I need to have my family in my life because if they're not in it then it'll feel like I'm already dead. Which is how I feel without them. I told her I need to know that she and I will always be sisters no matter what happens or what decisions I make. That I need to know that she'll still love me even if I don't ever go back to the religion I used to be in. And that she'll still love me even if I don't live at home, even if I move again. I always want to be her sister and her shoulder to cry on and I always want her to be my older sister who I can cry with.
I know that I've hurt her more than anyone in my family. I know she knows more about me and my sex life and my Kelley than she or I would like her to know. I know that it's going to take her time to forgive me for things I may have said at one time and for things I did. I need her to be in my life, I need to know she'll always love me. I need to know she'll always be my sister and that she still keeps me in her prayers.
Liliruth came home late Sunday night and so did I. We came home around the same time. This time when we saw each other I made a stupid funny face at her and like always, she couldn't stop that little laugh of hers. So then I jumped up and tackled her onto the stairs and proceeded to hump her like I used to hump my mom just as she started to say, "You're not going to hump me like you used to with mamma ... ew, get off". My little sister. My little annoying bratty sister who always followed me around. I missed her so much.
I kept hugging her and humping her and kissing her cute little round face 'til she promised to take me to her new condo. Yes, my little sister, 2.5 years my junior has bought herself a two bedroom, two bathroom condo in a nice neighborhood in a nice area. She's engaged and happy. I'm proud of her for a great many things.
I hope to someday get drunk with her and tell her how proud I am of her and all her accomplishments. I want her to know that I look up to her and that I'm sorry for letting her down. I'm sorry for being a coward and not being able to open up. I'm sorry for letting her believe that I didn't care about her, about my family. I'm sorry for being such an idiot and for being selfish. I'm trying to make it up though. I'm really trying this time.
My father and I have been hanging out quite a bit. Yesterday we went to the movies and today we went to our favorite pizza place and tomorrow I'm gonna go see him shoot pool for his pool league. When I lost my mother I lost more than just my mother. I lost my entire family. Rather than being grateful for still having my father, I concentrated on the loss of my mother. But not just the loss, but the pain I was feeling and the pain my family was feeling.
I can't keep doing that. I have to take advantage of the fact that I do still have my healthy father. I want to know him. I want to know his wants and his fears. I want to be his friend, but more importantly I want to be his daughter. His good daughter, something I have not been to him. I'm looking forward to spending time with him. Even if at times he annoys me and is a little overbearing. Still, he is my father and has a right to be overbearing sometimes.
My dogs. I missed them. Chewie was the first one I saw. She jumped on me and licked me and wouldn't stop being with me all of Friday and all of Saturday. I was so glad at least she was happy to see me. I didn't get to see Gringa 'til Sunday, after Marie and I had seen each other. Gringa is not as forgiving as Chewie is. She wouldn't pay attention to me. But today, finally, she cried with me and licked/kissed me and wouldn't leave my lap or my side all day. Even when I took both Chewie and Gringa outside with me to do some outside house work she wouldn't leave my side. She's so cute. They both are. I missed them so much.
I've come back to restore and to better my past relationship with my father and sisters. I've always said that I would never leave my home or my family in the matter in which I did. I've come back to once and for all truly pack my things up and store them. I've come back to help my father pack up my mother's things. It's been almost three years and not much has changed. That's not a good sign. There is no need for my mother's perfumes to still be on their dresser.
There are many skeletons here that need to be buried. Many memories that need remembering and many tragedies that need to be pieced together and put in the past. I've come to do that. I've been honest with my father about why I've come back. I've been honest with Marie about it too. They no know I will more than likely leave again. They know I don't want to be in MD or DC or anywhere near here.
What my plans are I still don't know. I'm making them with every passing day. I'm not going to rush myself. Where does Kelley fit into my life? She doesn't. Not right now and I doubt that she will ever again. I love her more than I've loved anyone in my entire life. She's hurt me more than any one person can and every will be able to hurt me. I love her so much that I have to let her go. I've always said that when it starts to hurt more being or trying to be with her than it hurts to be without her I'd walkaway. It's time. I hope I don't see her again.
Thursday she's leaving to California on business for a couple of days. I'm thinking of renting a car, driving up to Poughkeepsie. Going up to her room and getting the last of my things then making the trip back home. Never once having to see her. The more and more I think about it the more it seems to be what I need to do. I really do love Kelley. Everyone knows that. But I'm not losing anything and she's losing everything. And I think she's fine with it.
I'll write more on Kelley and the months we spent together later. Tonight I am done writing.
This house is cold and empty. This isn't the same house I remember from growing up. The house I remember was always warm and inviting. There was always something cooking and walking in the front door was like being embraced by your mother and all the familiar smells of comfort and contentment. I miss my old home, I miss my mother and I miss my old family.
The train ride down from Poughkeepsie was short. I fell asleep the entire ride. The bus ride back home was very very long. While at Port Authority I freaked out, ran to the subway and was gonna take the A train back to Grand Central and back up to Kelley. But that's not where I belong. You and I both know I don't belong up there and that I never did.
So I sat on the floor between the Subway station and Port Authority and had myself a good long needed burst of tears. I got up and walked to the boarding gate for Silver Spring, number 76. I didn't sleep the entire bus ride home. I was thinking about crazy things. Thinking a lot about Kelley. About what my going home meant and means. I'm still not sure what it means. I know what I'd like for it to mean, but that doesn't mean it means that. Heh, I'm confusing myself.
My dream is to be happy. That is my ultimate goal. I just want to be happy. If I'm happy then I can do anything. I honestly don't know if I ever was happy. I'm happy when I'm with Kelley. But Kelley doesn't make me happy. I'm sometimes happy when I'm with my friends, but sometimes I feel like there's something missing. Going to Antigone Rising shows used to make me happy. I kinda see them differently now.
When Liliruth first saw me she totally ignored me and went upstairs to her room. After making sure she had gone upstairs I allowed myself to cry over it. My baby sister wouldn't even acknowledge me. That hurt so much. That was Friday night. Then Saturday she saw me, ignored me, I cried. Sunday came and nearly went, but then something happened.
Marie and I made eye contact for the first time in about five months. My big sister who I've missed so much, who I've needed so much. I wanted to look away and I know she did, too. But we just couldn't. We both instantly started crying. She put her things down and came and hugged me. The hug turned into her holding me and kissing me. My big sister still loved me. I cried so much with her. I couldn't even make whole sentences. Somehow I managed to tell her everything I'd been needing to say to her since before I left home.
I told her I needed her in my life. That I need to have my family in my life because if they're not in it then it'll feel like I'm already dead. Which is how I feel without them. I told her I need to know that she and I will always be sisters no matter what happens or what decisions I make. That I need to know that she'll still love me even if I don't ever go back to the religion I used to be in. And that she'll still love me even if I don't live at home, even if I move again. I always want to be her sister and her shoulder to cry on and I always want her to be my older sister who I can cry with.
I know that I've hurt her more than anyone in my family. I know she knows more about me and my sex life and my Kelley than she or I would like her to know. I know that it's going to take her time to forgive me for things I may have said at one time and for things I did. I need her to be in my life, I need to know she'll always love me. I need to know she'll always be my sister and that she still keeps me in her prayers.
Liliruth came home late Sunday night and so did I. We came home around the same time. This time when we saw each other I made a stupid funny face at her and like always, she couldn't stop that little laugh of hers. So then I jumped up and tackled her onto the stairs and proceeded to hump her like I used to hump my mom just as she started to say, "You're not going to hump me like you used to with mamma ... ew, get off". My little sister. My little annoying bratty sister who always followed me around. I missed her so much.
I kept hugging her and humping her and kissing her cute little round face 'til she promised to take me to her new condo. Yes, my little sister, 2.5 years my junior has bought herself a two bedroom, two bathroom condo in a nice neighborhood in a nice area. She's engaged and happy. I'm proud of her for a great many things.
I hope to someday get drunk with her and tell her how proud I am of her and all her accomplishments. I want her to know that I look up to her and that I'm sorry for letting her down. I'm sorry for being a coward and not being able to open up. I'm sorry for letting her believe that I didn't care about her, about my family. I'm sorry for being such an idiot and for being selfish. I'm trying to make it up though. I'm really trying this time.
My father and I have been hanging out quite a bit. Yesterday we went to the movies and today we went to our favorite pizza place and tomorrow I'm gonna go see him shoot pool for his pool league. When I lost my mother I lost more than just my mother. I lost my entire family. Rather than being grateful for still having my father, I concentrated on the loss of my mother. But not just the loss, but the pain I was feeling and the pain my family was feeling.
I can't keep doing that. I have to take advantage of the fact that I do still have my healthy father. I want to know him. I want to know his wants and his fears. I want to be his friend, but more importantly I want to be his daughter. His good daughter, something I have not been to him. I'm looking forward to spending time with him. Even if at times he annoys me and is a little overbearing. Still, he is my father and has a right to be overbearing sometimes.
My dogs. I missed them. Chewie was the first one I saw. She jumped on me and licked me and wouldn't stop being with me all of Friday and all of Saturday. I was so glad at least she was happy to see me. I didn't get to see Gringa 'til Sunday, after Marie and I had seen each other. Gringa is not as forgiving as Chewie is. She wouldn't pay attention to me. But today, finally, she cried with me and licked/kissed me and wouldn't leave my lap or my side all day. Even when I took both Chewie and Gringa outside with me to do some outside house work she wouldn't leave my side. She's so cute. They both are. I missed them so much.
I've come back to restore and to better my past relationship with my father and sisters. I've always said that I would never leave my home or my family in the matter in which I did. I've come back to once and for all truly pack my things up and store them. I've come back to help my father pack up my mother's things. It's been almost three years and not much has changed. That's not a good sign. There is no need for my mother's perfumes to still be on their dresser.
There are many skeletons here that need to be buried. Many memories that need remembering and many tragedies that need to be pieced together and put in the past. I've come to do that. I've been honest with my father about why I've come back. I've been honest with Marie about it too. They no know I will more than likely leave again. They know I don't want to be in MD or DC or anywhere near here.
What my plans are I still don't know. I'm making them with every passing day. I'm not going to rush myself. Where does Kelley fit into my life? She doesn't. Not right now and I doubt that she will ever again. I love her more than I've loved anyone in my entire life. She's hurt me more than any one person can and every will be able to hurt me. I love her so much that I have to let her go. I've always said that when it starts to hurt more being or trying to be with her than it hurts to be without her I'd walkaway. It's time. I hope I don't see her again.
Thursday she's leaving to California on business for a couple of days. I'm thinking of renting a car, driving up to Poughkeepsie. Going up to her room and getting the last of my things then making the trip back home. Never once having to see her. The more and more I think about it the more it seems to be what I need to do. I really do love Kelley. Everyone knows that. But I'm not losing anything and she's losing everything. And I think she's fine with it.
I'll write more on Kelley and the months we spent together later. Tonight I am done writing.