(no subject)
sometimes it really bothers me. it really really bothers me. i hear all this talk about "unconditional love" and i wonder. i wonder if anyone truly knows the meaning of that phrase. i know that it is easy to speak of, easy to idealize oneself and think "i have it all figured out...i know exactly how to give and receive love unconditionally. all of these other fuckheads haven't a clue". then it begins to turn into one big pity party, remembering all the past hurts and slights...remembering the loves found and then lost again...the very word LOVE strikes an invisible chord...tainted with old regrets and should-haves and would-haves and that icky, heart wrenching feeling that never seems to subside no matter how much it is wished away. the intense longing for more love. the confusion. the guilt. for me that feeling is there because i know that i still haven't figured it out (but not for lack of trying). with all of my soul i wish to find it...to be able to give and recieve so freely, so perfectly and without judgement that it will no longer be an act of will or consciousness...it will simply be. each and every person, creature, inanimate object that i encounter will know the joy that i feel inside me and will have no other choice but to return it. not because i hope for or lust for their love, but because i love them so purely that my love can no longer contain itself and it will spill out like a river or even an ocean. an ocean of love. it makes me hurt to think of it. therein lies the problem. true love does not hurt. i am under this illusion of loss...the illusion that there is not enough love to go around...that some people are more difficult to love than others. that i can only give some choice beings on this planet my love, and open myself to theirs...and then what about the others? i have these stupid reasons...i don't know everyone in the world...these people do horrible things to others and its hard to love them...i gave these people my love and they betrayed me...what if the other person never loves me like i love them... i find fault with each and every reason. i find terrible fault with my view of love as well as the views of others. open-mindedness is not the key. neither is total self-sacrifice and self-denial. the key is unspoken, invisible. it is elusive but also right in front of me. if i say "i will find it" then i fear that i won't. if i say "i have found it here is the answer" then i would be lying. the truth is...hmm. the truth is what i seek. is it enough to want something so badly and know that the truth is there, waiting to be found? i ask myself...how can i seek what i am looking for in my everyday life? the answer is a lot easier than i used to think...
Oracle(Mayan)- Manik- completion, gateway, beauty, spiritual tools, divining, priestess
Symbol- hand, wave(ocean)
Color- bright blue
Number- seven
Stone- moonstone, sapphire, quartz(blue)
Element- water
April 6- Passover, the liberation of the Jews from slavery in Egypt
"a mysterious wave, an opening approaches. will you ride the wave?"
Oracle(Mayan)- Manik- completion, gateway, beauty, spiritual tools, divining, priestess
Symbol- hand, wave(ocean)
Color- bright blue
Number- seven
Stone- moonstone, sapphire, quartz(blue)
Element- water
April 6- Passover, the liberation of the Jews from slavery in Egypt
"a mysterious wave, an opening approaches. will you ride the wave?"