So conflicted.
I really am.
I want to stop.
I don't want to stop.
I want to see blood.
I want to see more scars.
I don't need more scars.
Yes I do.
No I don't.
YES I do.
UGH.
Picking is gross and isn't enough.
If mom finds out...she's already depressed and near her breaking point..
I don't want to hurt her more.
I just want to hurt me.
I deserve it.
Daddy hates me now.
He doesn't want to see me.
I'm not the daughter he wants.
I never will be.
I'm not good enough.
I never was.
I shouldn't fool myself anymore.
He doesn't love you. He even told you that instead of visiting you he sits around watching movies and TV. He visits his own parents more than you. He hates you for being so scared.
I don't know why...I just hold my father above everyone. I remember things he told me, I remember things I did to upset him, I ALWAYS regret what I do around him. Whenever I talk about him being alone, I cry. I'm scared for him. I'm terrified he will hurt himself somehow and no one is around. I'm scared that he's lonely. I'm scared he is still on drugs. I'm terrified I never say I love you enough, even if he doesn't want to hear it. I'm scared to tell him my true feelings, because I don't want to hurt or upset him. OR make him worry. I ONLY look forward to my birthday because I think he will show up, it's the day he is most likely to show up. Even when he doesn't....I don't get upset at him. I get upset at myself. I cry if he doesn't show up. I lay in bed on my birthday night sobbing. "What the hell is wrong with me?" "Why can't I get things right?" so many stupid questions. I don't know why. I just do.
I can't write anymore right now.
I want to stop.
I don't want to stop.
I want to see blood.
I want to see more scars.
I don't need more scars.
Yes I do.
No I don't.
YES I do.
UGH.
Picking is gross and isn't enough.
If mom finds out...she's already depressed and near her breaking point..
I don't want to hurt her more.
I just want to hurt me.
I deserve it.
Daddy hates me now.
He doesn't want to see me.
I'm not the daughter he wants.
I never will be.
I'm not good enough.
I never was.
I shouldn't fool myself anymore.
He doesn't love you. He even told you that instead of visiting you he sits around watching movies and TV. He visits his own parents more than you. He hates you for being so scared.
I don't know why...I just hold my father above everyone. I remember things he told me, I remember things I did to upset him, I ALWAYS regret what I do around him. Whenever I talk about him being alone, I cry. I'm scared for him. I'm terrified he will hurt himself somehow and no one is around. I'm scared that he's lonely. I'm scared he is still on drugs. I'm terrified I never say I love you enough, even if he doesn't want to hear it. I'm scared to tell him my true feelings, because I don't want to hurt or upset him. OR make him worry. I ONLY look forward to my birthday because I think he will show up, it's the day he is most likely to show up. Even when he doesn't....I don't get upset at him. I get upset at myself. I cry if he doesn't show up. I lay in bed on my birthday night sobbing. "What the hell is wrong with me?" "Why can't I get things right?" so many stupid questions. I don't know why. I just do.
I can't write anymore right now.