To be me
I recently started to think about myself again.
What it takes to be me.
How comfortable do I feel being me.
I always thought it will be easier to be who I am in similar company - people who know me, who think like me and who are like me. Is it not right to say that you will be less prohibited in your words and actions with fellow allies. Though of late, I find myself progressively more at ease with people who are very different from myself.
There is the one who grew up by the sea in Italy, who worked as a lifeguard and bartender, but who like me loves architecture.
There is the other who spend most of his life in Poland, but yearns to relocate his family to India,
There is another holding his copa de vino tinto and talking about the time when he was actively involved in political demonstrations.
Then there is me. The short asian girl from Singapore, who loves the Melbourne lifestyle but strangely found her way to London. In this group of diversity, I feel like it is cool to be me. I do not feel like there are expectations to meet or protocols to conform to. I feel free to express my difference simply because everyone else around me speaks in a different accent and boasts of a different cultural background. It is not so much about the physical disparity in appearance, but more so of the diversity in opinions and expressions due to the varied conditions that moulded our lives. You get jibed for weird accents and unique opinions, alienated cultures and dubious food. Really, you get prodded in all directions for simply being you. Perhaps I should feel uneasy, but surprisingly I do not. In fact, I am loving every minute of it. The constant reminders make me realize that I am an individual in all rights. I never felt so liberated to do things I want to. From superficial issues like wearing what I want to without being conscious of what people might say. Oh, she should not be wearing this because ... or ... to being comfortable in my shell of who am, how I think or what I say.
I do feel sometimes that when you are in similar company, you are expected to say the "right" things in accordance with the general consensus. People expect you to understand and empathize. Differing opinions are often met with the "are you alright" or "you are strange" looks. Maybe I feel at ease where I am now because people around me do not expect me to respond in unison to what they believe in. Giving a different perspective to the situation is almost definitely accepted since no one expects you to agree totally. There is this tolerance of difference. Getting an agreement to your proposition is a bonus and not a dead given.
Everyone is constantly adjusting their postion in their niche to be in the most comfortable location - to find the best fit to their current situation. Sometimes it may just take a little wriggle to the right, but sometimes it involves finding another niche altogether because you just do not fit in anymore. In retrospect, being totally comfortable with yourself should allow you to feel at ease in all circumstances, whether in similarity or disparity. If not, there has to be some fundamental aspect of yourself that you are trying to escape from. I do admit I am self-conscious in situations where there are expectations laid out for me. I still feel a need to behave in an acceptable manner and respond in a way that I might not totally agree with. Perhaps it stems from the lack of confidence and the need for assurance from others.
I do not have all the answers to my insecurities, but it might as well be as I love questions more than answers. Or rather I prefer to seek propositions and possibilities rather than have definitive answers. An answer to me is a means to an end and I would rather let the journey stretch on. Talk to me.