(no subject)
So like i said in the last entry i wrote, kathryn broke up with me.
I can't even describe what my emotions are about it. It almost all seems so surreal. And when i say that, i don't even know if i mean that it's over, or that there was anything there to begin with. It was so good while it lasted that it almost seems like it never happened at all.
Kinda like a good vacation from school. It's all great and everything, but once it's gone, it almost feels like it never was at all.
Alright maybe not exactly like that. But i'm tryin'.
Throughout this whole ordeal for the past two weeks i wanted so bad to believe that maybe for once this was all for real and this third time that a girl was telling me she needed a break, it was only a break for a period of time, not for good.
I anticipated this weekend so much, because finally i would get a straight answer. I called her saturday when i got home from set construction. She said she had to work and that she would call me later that night. She never did call until this morning because she had to work late last night.
I hate saying it, but i knew in the first five minutes of the conversation that it was over, but i hoped and went on with it anyway. Not because of the way she talked to me, or anything she did, but what she didn't do. You'd expect that after two weeks of deliberation if someone was going to say that they really did still love you that they'd be excited and get to the point really fast.
We talked for 20 minutes and i had to ask her before i got the answer.
I didn't get a reason, but no real big surprise anymore. She said that she wished she could tell me it was something that i did, or something about me, because she knew i would change, but it wasn't.
I feel lied to, kinda, but for some reason in these situations i always do. Probably the only one would be two weeks ago, when kathryn was layin the whole "break" thing on me, she said that she wasn't sure what she wanted but she was positive of her feelings for me, and today would definitely prove that in the negative.
I guess i really can't complain that much on that subject, it'll most likely be all the aftermath that's the real bitch. I know i'll feel odd around her, fuck, i've been feeling around her for the past two weeks. And then there's that jealousy thing, because i won't lie, i'm a jealous boyfriend, but i'm an even more jealous ex-boyfriend.
As for serious relatoinships, i can't deal with it for a while. I have nothing about gettin some action, but no real relationship. Just don't mark my words on that, because give me a few months and i'll probably be singing a different tune, maybe.
I call the way i feel defeated, because i just feel like i lost. I've been beaten in/by love, maybe? It fits in my mind anyway. And then it also goes along with one of the first few times the two of us hung out when we got back from florida and i told her "You've defeated me."
yeah, there's probably going to be a lot of remembering crap like that. It was a really good time, i just wish so bad there would have been time for more of those good times.
I was planning on writing more than this before, but now i can't remember waht else iw nated to write.
I'm done