(no subject)
Its been awhile.
Im sick of myself and the way I act upon my impulses. I can't control myself. I wish I knew how, but I don't.
I hate being here, stuck in this head. Being sober is awesome and whatnot but the 1 thing that sucks is the brain being on ALL the time. I can never get out of my head. The only time I can is when im playing music, or creating music (making beats, etc). I love that outlet. But it doesn't seem enough. At this point, nothing seems enough.
That's why im an addict. I can't ever leave well enough alone. I have to keep going and going until I wind up getting hurt. Ill consciously act upon impulses that I KNOW are gonna get me hurt... but I constantly test my luck. I have no self fucking discipline. No self control.
Im reading this book that tells you everything you think translates onto your outer world. That's great and all, but if that's true.. Im basically fucked. I don't know how to NOT think negatively. Moreover, I don't know how to change the way I think. Change is not something I adapt to well.
At this point, there's one thing I know. No matter how I feel, and how far I push my limits and get myself in trouble.. I've gotta stay clean throughout it all. As long as I stay clean, it'll get better.
I realized today how big of a control freak I am. I have these tendencies to get really annoyed when things don't go my way, and its mostly surrounded around other peoples decisions. I want everyone to operate according to my game plan. Its bullshit. I can't control people, and to me.. That sucks. Im slowly trying to come to terms with that fact.
Ugh. A bullshit night. Mind, stop! Go to bed!
I finally fell asleep, and was able to turn off this fucked up machine.. When my Leo roomate came home (sun and moon in leo tonight).. And started being all loud. Which rarely happens. And I woke up, and here I am.
I want to strangle myself and this insane thinking inside of my head. Ahhhhh
Im sick of myself and the way I act upon my impulses. I can't control myself. I wish I knew how, but I don't.
I hate being here, stuck in this head. Being sober is awesome and whatnot but the 1 thing that sucks is the brain being on ALL the time. I can never get out of my head. The only time I can is when im playing music, or creating music (making beats, etc). I love that outlet. But it doesn't seem enough. At this point, nothing seems enough.
That's why im an addict. I can't ever leave well enough alone. I have to keep going and going until I wind up getting hurt. Ill consciously act upon impulses that I KNOW are gonna get me hurt... but I constantly test my luck. I have no self fucking discipline. No self control.
Im reading this book that tells you everything you think translates onto your outer world. That's great and all, but if that's true.. Im basically fucked. I don't know how to NOT think negatively. Moreover, I don't know how to change the way I think. Change is not something I adapt to well.
At this point, there's one thing I know. No matter how I feel, and how far I push my limits and get myself in trouble.. I've gotta stay clean throughout it all. As long as I stay clean, it'll get better.
I realized today how big of a control freak I am. I have these tendencies to get really annoyed when things don't go my way, and its mostly surrounded around other peoples decisions. I want everyone to operate according to my game plan. Its bullshit. I can't control people, and to me.. That sucks. Im slowly trying to come to terms with that fact.
Ugh. A bullshit night. Mind, stop! Go to bed!
I finally fell asleep, and was able to turn off this fucked up machine.. When my Leo roomate came home (sun and moon in leo tonight).. And started being all loud. Which rarely happens. And I woke up, and here I am.
I want to strangle myself and this insane thinking inside of my head. Ahhhhh