Import From Blog - 11/27/09
I've been thinking about a lot of stuff recently. I'm not sure why or what triggers it, but I reach a point every now and then where I just analyze things. Everything, anything, you name it, I think about it. I read annoying cutesy and philosophical quotes and think about love and life and living. It's just a part of who I am.
I was thinking about my life today. I spent time with and watched my family all day and night yesterday. It's hard for me, to be around my extended family. A lot has happened in the last year in a half. And I've grown closer to each and every one of them. I've seen some of them of them for the very first time in that time, and they've seen me. For who I am. And our relationship has changed for the better. My whole life, I never fit in with my family. I sat alone in the corner and watched. It's just how I grew up. But now, I'm an adult. And now, they want me in the mix of things. They want me there. My aunt persistently, for a good five minutes, tried to get me to sit next to her on the couch last night. She wanted me to sit with her she said, and we sat there, hand in hand, for a good part of the night. I felt loved and special and important to her, for one of the first times in my life. But still, even with these changes, it's still hard to be around them. Mostly because of the voids on both sides. Because of the loss. It's hard not to feel that, and I do, all the time.
When my Grandpa was at Hospice, I believe it was his last day alive, I had stayed with my Grandma so that my Aunt's and Uncles and dad could stay with my Grandpa and not have to worry about what was going on at home. I remember that day like it was yesterday. That was the day my two aunt's and I had to tell my Grandma that my Grandpa was going to die, not in a year or a month, but probably that night. And after we told her, she sobbed, and she sobbed, and she asked to be left alone. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle it because I knew what she was feeling, that void creeping up, that knowledge that it was the end. I had been there only a year before, and I have been there every single day since then. It's not something you ever get over. That feeling. That emptiness.
I couldn't handle the pain she was feeling, and I had to get away from it. I ran up the stairs, closed the door to the farthest room away from where she was and just paced. I couldn't cry, I didn't know how to cry, I just paced and paced, trying not to punch something, trying not to be present in my own life in that moment. It wasn't my moment, it wasn't my turn to cry, just like a year ago, it was my turn to stand tall and be strong. I must have been gone a while, because my aunt came up to try and find me. I'm always there, even if I'm quiet in the corner, I'm always there, no matter what. So when I left, I can't tell you how thankful I was that she noticed and came to find me. You know what the first thing she said to me was? "I was looking for you and couldn't find you, I was worried, are you ok?". My aunt, who had exhausted herself doing the same thing I had done with my Grandma, she came to see how I was, because she recognized how hard the situation had to be on me. Not only was I losing my Grandfather, but it was in the same fashion I had lost my Grandmother. A year, only a year, it was too soon, too painfully soon.
She came up and gave me a hug. And you know what she did? She sat with me. I told her I didn't know what I was supposed to feel because I had never gotten a chance to know him until the last few days of his life. That I stayed with him overnight while my Grandma was in the hospital (their roles reversed completely in less than 72 hours) because I knew he would tell me his story. Because I knew that if I volunteered, he would know I loved him. And I wanted to be there, for him, because he was my Grandfather. He contributed to my existence, my childhood, my adulthood, even in the smallest of ways, he was a part of me. And I also wanted to be there for my family, because out of almost all of them, I was qualified to handle the death up close. They'd never done it before, I had. If I would or could do anything for them my entire life to show them I loved them all, I knew it was that.
I told her I didn't know if I had a right to be sad, because I had to be strong for my dad and for her and my other aunt who had only the night before, had a nervous breakdown while she and I talked. The night before when we had made amends for something that caused us not to talk for 6 years. I told her I wanted to be strong for her, because even though she and I weren't close, she was my Godmother, and just because we weren't, it didn't mean I didn't want to be. It didn't mean I hadn't longed for it my entire life. I told her that we may not be close now, but there was room in my heart if she wanted in it. And so, we talked. We sat and talked for at least three hours. Alone. She told her about her life, that she and my uncle had separated. She told me about her growing up, she tried to explain to me and assure me that even though I never felt loved growing up by my Grandparents, they always loved me, and so did she. And we talked, and we talked, just the two of us. The course of that last week of his life changed my life. It truly did. I made amends, I opened my heart, I mourned, I connected with all of my cousins on a whole different level, I cried, I learned so much about my family, even though it was painful, it was life changing, and it was kind of amazing. That was the big thing in my life this year.
Needless to say, holidays with extended family make me think about death. A lot. And you know, I'm not afraid to die. I'm only twenty-two, sure, but if I died tomorrow, I would have no regrets. I've loved someone wholeheartedly who wasn't family, I was loved back. I experienced a broken heart, I broke someone's heart. I found love again after that broken heart. I've loved hard, I've protected harder. I've stood up for people and things I believed in. I made friends, I found some true ones. I've learned to trust people. I've lost the most important person in my life, and I survived it, grew from it, learned from it. I've become close to my brother, whom I hated my entire childhood. I graduated high school, and I'm close to graduating college. I found things I love enough to be passionate about. I've found a best friend. I've moved away from home, lived in another state, and grew up in the process. I became close to my parents because I had the courage to move away. I was able to repay my Grandmother for almost twenty-one years of pure love by being there for her while she died. I found myself, loved myself, and accepted myself for everything I am. I discovered I was gay, came out to all of my family and was accepted by every one of them. I had enough courage to love myself anyway, even if others wouldn't because of "what I am".
I worked my dream job, found my true calling, found what I was good at, succeeded, and made a difference and an impression. I've traveled the country, went to England, and befriended people from all over the world. I've read books about many things, I've studied the past, become a historian, I've listened to good music, eaten good food, laughed so hard I cried many times. I've written about hundreds of topics, written a book or two, written poetry, contributed culturally, even in the smallest of ways. I've smiled, I've cried, I've hugged, I've listened, I've been compassionate, I've made a difference to someone, I've changed someone for the better. I've been selfish, and unselfish, and learned when it is the right time for both things. I've been in excruciating physical pain, which has made me appreciate every second of life that isn't associated with it. I've faced intolerance, discrimination, and cruelty, but held my head high. I've watched the sunrise and set with someone I loved. I've sat outside and looked at the stars. I've walked through and spent time in nature, and appreciated it's beauty. I've been thankful, I've been loved, I've been encouraged, I've been appreciated, I've been complimented, I've been all these little tiny baby details that people sometimes forget on a daily basis.
Above all else, all the shit that goes on, all the loneliness, all the pain, all the sadness as of late, regardless, I have lived. For twenty-two years I've lived a good life. I've done things and learned things that some never ever get to do their entire lives. Above all else, I am happy. And you know, if I were to die tomorrow, the first thing I'd do after giving my Grandmother and Grandfather the biggest hugs, and tell them how much I missed them...would be to say thank you. Just, thank you.
I was thinking about my life today. I spent time with and watched my family all day and night yesterday. It's hard for me, to be around my extended family. A lot has happened in the last year in a half. And I've grown closer to each and every one of them. I've seen some of them of them for the very first time in that time, and they've seen me. For who I am. And our relationship has changed for the better. My whole life, I never fit in with my family. I sat alone in the corner and watched. It's just how I grew up. But now, I'm an adult. And now, they want me in the mix of things. They want me there. My aunt persistently, for a good five minutes, tried to get me to sit next to her on the couch last night. She wanted me to sit with her she said, and we sat there, hand in hand, for a good part of the night. I felt loved and special and important to her, for one of the first times in my life. But still, even with these changes, it's still hard to be around them. Mostly because of the voids on both sides. Because of the loss. It's hard not to feel that, and I do, all the time.
When my Grandpa was at Hospice, I believe it was his last day alive, I had stayed with my Grandma so that my Aunt's and Uncles and dad could stay with my Grandpa and not have to worry about what was going on at home. I remember that day like it was yesterday. That was the day my two aunt's and I had to tell my Grandma that my Grandpa was going to die, not in a year or a month, but probably that night. And after we told her, she sobbed, and she sobbed, and she asked to be left alone. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle it because I knew what she was feeling, that void creeping up, that knowledge that it was the end. I had been there only a year before, and I have been there every single day since then. It's not something you ever get over. That feeling. That emptiness.
I couldn't handle the pain she was feeling, and I had to get away from it. I ran up the stairs, closed the door to the farthest room away from where she was and just paced. I couldn't cry, I didn't know how to cry, I just paced and paced, trying not to punch something, trying not to be present in my own life in that moment. It wasn't my moment, it wasn't my turn to cry, just like a year ago, it was my turn to stand tall and be strong. I must have been gone a while, because my aunt came up to try and find me. I'm always there, even if I'm quiet in the corner, I'm always there, no matter what. So when I left, I can't tell you how thankful I was that she noticed and came to find me. You know what the first thing she said to me was? "I was looking for you and couldn't find you, I was worried, are you ok?". My aunt, who had exhausted herself doing the same thing I had done with my Grandma, she came to see how I was, because she recognized how hard the situation had to be on me. Not only was I losing my Grandfather, but it was in the same fashion I had lost my Grandmother. A year, only a year, it was too soon, too painfully soon.
She came up and gave me a hug. And you know what she did? She sat with me. I told her I didn't know what I was supposed to feel because I had never gotten a chance to know him until the last few days of his life. That I stayed with him overnight while my Grandma was in the hospital (their roles reversed completely in less than 72 hours) because I knew he would tell me his story. Because I knew that if I volunteered, he would know I loved him. And I wanted to be there, for him, because he was my Grandfather. He contributed to my existence, my childhood, my adulthood, even in the smallest of ways, he was a part of me. And I also wanted to be there for my family, because out of almost all of them, I was qualified to handle the death up close. They'd never done it before, I had. If I would or could do anything for them my entire life to show them I loved them all, I knew it was that.
I told her I didn't know if I had a right to be sad, because I had to be strong for my dad and for her and my other aunt who had only the night before, had a nervous breakdown while she and I talked. The night before when we had made amends for something that caused us not to talk for 6 years. I told her I wanted to be strong for her, because even though she and I weren't close, she was my Godmother, and just because we weren't, it didn't mean I didn't want to be. It didn't mean I hadn't longed for it my entire life. I told her that we may not be close now, but there was room in my heart if she wanted in it. And so, we talked. We sat and talked for at least three hours. Alone. She told her about her life, that she and my uncle had separated. She told me about her growing up, she tried to explain to me and assure me that even though I never felt loved growing up by my Grandparents, they always loved me, and so did she. And we talked, and we talked, just the two of us. The course of that last week of his life changed my life. It truly did. I made amends, I opened my heart, I mourned, I connected with all of my cousins on a whole different level, I cried, I learned so much about my family, even though it was painful, it was life changing, and it was kind of amazing. That was the big thing in my life this year.
Needless to say, holidays with extended family make me think about death. A lot. And you know, I'm not afraid to die. I'm only twenty-two, sure, but if I died tomorrow, I would have no regrets. I've loved someone wholeheartedly who wasn't family, I was loved back. I experienced a broken heart, I broke someone's heart. I found love again after that broken heart. I've loved hard, I've protected harder. I've stood up for people and things I believed in. I made friends, I found some true ones. I've learned to trust people. I've lost the most important person in my life, and I survived it, grew from it, learned from it. I've become close to my brother, whom I hated my entire childhood. I graduated high school, and I'm close to graduating college. I found things I love enough to be passionate about. I've found a best friend. I've moved away from home, lived in another state, and grew up in the process. I became close to my parents because I had the courage to move away. I was able to repay my Grandmother for almost twenty-one years of pure love by being there for her while she died. I found myself, loved myself, and accepted myself for everything I am. I discovered I was gay, came out to all of my family and was accepted by every one of them. I had enough courage to love myself anyway, even if others wouldn't because of "what I am".
I worked my dream job, found my true calling, found what I was good at, succeeded, and made a difference and an impression. I've traveled the country, went to England, and befriended people from all over the world. I've read books about many things, I've studied the past, become a historian, I've listened to good music, eaten good food, laughed so hard I cried many times. I've written about hundreds of topics, written a book or two, written poetry, contributed culturally, even in the smallest of ways. I've smiled, I've cried, I've hugged, I've listened, I've been compassionate, I've made a difference to someone, I've changed someone for the better. I've been selfish, and unselfish, and learned when it is the right time for both things. I've been in excruciating physical pain, which has made me appreciate every second of life that isn't associated with it. I've faced intolerance, discrimination, and cruelty, but held my head high. I've watched the sunrise and set with someone I loved. I've sat outside and looked at the stars. I've walked through and spent time in nature, and appreciated it's beauty. I've been thankful, I've been loved, I've been encouraged, I've been appreciated, I've been complimented, I've been all these little tiny baby details that people sometimes forget on a daily basis.
Above all else, all the shit that goes on, all the loneliness, all the pain, all the sadness as of late, regardless, I have lived. For twenty-two years I've lived a good life. I've done things and learned things that some never ever get to do their entire lives. Above all else, I am happy. And you know, if I were to die tomorrow, the first thing I'd do after giving my Grandmother and Grandfather the biggest hugs, and tell them how much I missed them...would be to say thank you. Just, thank you.