Comments | livelier: Scarlett Appointment, part two:

livelier

Scarlett Appointment, part two:

May 13, 2005 15:49

"Here, hon, Come on in." It's cooler in here, the building is well insulated, the porches shade it nicely...this 'California Bungalow' architecture certainly works well...Hang my sweater up behind the door, put my bag down by my desk. "Can I get you something? Soda? cold spring water?" It's not like the water here is bad, it's great-some is spring ( Read more... )

Leave a comment

Back to all threads

xx_scarlett_xx May 14 2005, 00:23:15 UTC

"Um, sure...the water sounds good." Pure, clean and cold. After the tea I had this morning I sure could use something cold...and after all the talk too. My face is so hot from embarrassment, from crying.

"Here you go." She hands me the water and I take it with a smile, sitting in one of the big wooden chairs and taking a sip.

livelier May 14 2005, 00:29:14 UTC

"It got warm out there, didn't it? But this office-this is a gift. Are you ok? Not seeing ghosts, are you?" I walk to the sink, wring out a clean cloth in cool water, and bring it to her. "Secrets, thigs that trap us-it's hard, trying to get free. Sometimes-I've felt like I had to gnaw part of myself off, to get free-but it's worth it, always, in the end. Always." Thinking of my conversations with Ang, bits, pieces...and with Rachel, coming to be a true friend...I'm so lucky...

xx_scarlett_xx May 14 2005, 00:56:32 UTC

"Thanks" I take the cloth from her and just touch it to my cheeks and around the back of my neck, sighing slightly, thankful for the coolness.

I start to think of that movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. What if, just what if...I could erase all the memories of Shaun from my mind, what he did to me, how I put up with it, my stupidity and naivite. But then all the firsts, first meeting, first kiss, first date...all the good things would be gone too, and everything in between. No. Best to deal with it than just try to forget. Even if it's painful, I'm doing something about it now. So I guess that's good. Getting healthy, yeah...dealing with, instead of forgetting about. For me...

I know if Ke knew that I was doing all this...he'd want to make sure it was for me, and not for him. But this is for me. I can't continue on not knowing, having nightmares, having dreams about Orli...and just feeling altogether, unhealthy.

livelier May 14 2005, 04:19:00 UTC

She sits, quietly, contemplatively. the cool cloth comforting, seeming to ground her. Memories are what we make our lives of, the beads we string together to pray over, or let slip...Even a painful memory is better than none.

Going into the exam room, I find the plastic, disposable speculum that is part of my teaching kit about girls, and wonder: what have I been doing, all this time? Waiting for someone else to be the adult? To tell me what to do? Shake my head as though to rid it of a spell, some evil enchantment placed before I even came up here to work, certainly before I decided to make this my home base, and got inundated with suicides and fights and lost babies...addictions, lost loves...

"Here. This is a speculum. It's clean, never used, just for teaching. I can show you how it works, or you can play with it, handle it..."

xx_scarlett_xx May 14 2005, 15:25:18 UTC

I look up a bit from the floor to the clear plastic instrument...God... I laugh a little and look back down at the floor, highly embarrassed again. Sure I'll let a guy...even a girl have their fingers up inside me, but I blush at a medical instrument.

"Can you just show me how it works? Well...first?"

livelier May 15 2005, 18:19:02 UTC

"Of course, sweetie. It's a little daunting, isn't it? No romance to it at all ( ... )

xx_scarlett_xx May 16 2005, 14:49:31 UTC

I take the clear plastic instrument from her and lean back into the chair, just looking at it. For some reason, I don't know why, it reminds me of one of those corkscrews ... when the coil is inside the cork and you have to push the handles down to get the cork out. I don't know why, but it does, and it makes me shake my head and huff a laugh as I play with the handles absentmindedly.

She's right, it is wholly unromantic...cold and sterile. God...how am I going to feel when I'm there, probably nervous...ashamed that I didn't go sooner, not taking care of myself.

"So that's it then? You must think I'm so...I dunno." I hand the speculum back to her and look at my hands for a moment.

livelier May 17 2005, 19:57:48 UTC

"So normal? So intelligent? So brave?" Not what she was thinking. We don't socialize our children to take care of themselves, to love and respect and wanttheir bodies and their lives. I wish-well. That's what this is about. That's why we're here.

"It's not so unusual, not to know what to do, who or how to ask. I wish it were unusual, but it's not. And really, if the doctor is at all sympathetic, or empathetic, it can be kind of humorous. Seriously, boys are supposed be learning testicular self exam...and to practice on each other. Can you imagine how that will be when I do the class???"

We both laugh, the expression on some of their faces will be priceless.

"Feeling a little better?"

xx_scarlett_xx May 18 2005, 03:07:47 UTC

"Yes...well, just a little." I know I'm going to be nervous when I get there though. Even though she's told me what's going to happen, shown me, said she'll be there...I just know I will be. I'll feel the eyes on me again. God I hope she's right and this doctor, she'll be able to put me at ease. Just because I'm going, and having tests and seeing if there is anything wrong...doesn't mean there won't be. I don't know, maybe I'm all scarred, or they'll find something else I wasn't expecting at all. I don't know.

"I just want to know, once and for all...that I'm not damaged goods." That I'm not so easy to walk out on. That I have something, for him...for anyone to stay, not so hard to leave behind.

...that's it isn't it, you're still scared he'll leave? If you don't do everything right, he'll be gone.I shake my head and smile before taking another sip of water and looking at Liv. Her eyebrow raised slightly, concern but searching to find that I understand ( ... )

livelier May 18 2005, 10:06:01 UTC

"Of course. I'll call down today, see what I can arrange. I'm glad this has helped some. Why we leave ourselves ignorant and vulnerable...why it's the norm to be uneducated...I don't know. But you, now you'll have one more thing you can be knowing about, one less thing to be in the dark about.'

We sit in companionable silence. sipping water, the clicking of the speculum: open, closed, open, closed: so familiar to her hand now she doesn't even notice. Good. That's how I think it works best. Knowledge is strength, a place to work from.

xx_scarlett_xx May 19 2005, 22:09:20 UTC

We've both gotten quiet...well, not bad quiet, calm quiet..aside from the clicking. Kind of like a retractable pen, you can't stop clicking it once you start. I take another sip of water and resolve not to click it anymore. It's getting later in the afternoon now. Have we been talking (and have I been stressing) this long? I put the speculum down on Liv's desk and stand up and she watches me and smiles ( ... )

Back to all threads