it's been a while
okay so i know it's been a while and shit load of stuff has gone on in my life, and ive been wanting to write about it but i've been so busy w/school, and just other stuff. So last thursday i go home, and i'm all happy cuz i'm w/ my mom and dad i really missed them and than they start telling me everything that has been going on w/ our family in mexico and it's not good at all, and than i find out my cousin Melissa is pregnant she's 5 mths pregnant and it made it harder for her family to get thier papers which they've been trying to get for like months now cuz she didn't tell anyone, but thank God that they were able to get em. WHen i found out about my cousin it seriously shocked me, it opened my eyes and it made me realize that damn i gotta change things in my life cuz that could've been me ya know?So that night when i found out everything i really wanted to talk to someone and i call Derek cuz ifigure he loves me he'll talk to me, and make me feel better....well i was wrong,he just sat there and it pissed me off cuz i really needed someone and i figured he'd be there 4 me and i was so hurt that he didn't even care about how i felt. but anywho so that happens right and the next day, i get this txt message from him and it says "i think it's time that we start dating other people" you can guess how i felt about all that, i'm dealing w/ the shit w/ my family than he tells me that and it makes me seem like im' not good enough for him anymore. so i responded back and i was like well if that's how u feel than ok, i told him that everything happens for a reason, and i'm sure there is a good reason behind it but i just think he did it the wrong way and at a terrible time but oh well... nedless to say i was hurt, i knew we werent tech. together, but i always thought we would get back together and we'd be in love and happy and everything like that, but so much for that right? Now he's ready to date other ppl and knowing Derek he won't waist anytime right. So this is friday, a day after i get home, and i was all down and didn't really feel like doing much but than my sis and bro were like no we should go to a movie and blah blah, Jenny invited her friends from the mall to come, they are nice ppl u can say, I know Mo better than any of them he's a nice guy, he has cancer and it's kinda sad, but hes like a really sweet person and he writes poems and they're really good and u can tell it's his passion and what keeps him going. but besides them talking most of the time during the movie it was okay. i got to thinking about Derek cuz everytime we go to studio movie grill we split this burger and well lets just say i ate the whole thing by myself...kinda sad but oh well.... than i went home and called him but he was too busy to talk to me and i just sat there and i started to cry and than i could hear jenn talking about me and it made things even worse and i just sat there, and i felt like complete shit, i looked at his picture and i just remembered all the good times we had, it was like i didn't even acknowledge the bad times we had. so i finally cried myself to sleep, On saturday i stayed home most of the day,and i really awnted to see Derek but i didn't let myself cuz i knew it'd be hard on me, cuz it's hard to let go of someone u love and than to spend time w/ that person..that would just make things more difficult
so i chilled at home and later on i was on the compu and i went into my ftj account and when u go in they put up like guys in your neighborhood, well who do i see? DEREK!!! and not only did he open an account he's like a platnum member so he paid for that shit! dude he hardly ever paid 4 anything 4 me and he's able to pay to be on a website? nedless to say i was a bit jealouse,so i go to his profile, and check it out, he already had like 15 girls on his favorites, and these girls WHOA! okay when i saw them it made me feel like crap i was like okay what the hell does he see in me cuz obviously i don't have any of those qualities, i'm not a slut showing my ass online, or my boobs, and i def. don't have big boobs, i'm not tall it's like all these trampy girls on there and i'm like damn, he left me and he's ready to go out and date trashy girls like that, and looking at all those girls didn't seem to boost my confidnece very much. and now it made me realize why recently he's been on line like 24/7 prob. talking to some hoe and i hate to be like this cuz i don't wanna be like the psycho still in luv w/ ur ex type of ex g.f but honestly Derek can do so much better than those trashy girls and it just pisses me off that he's intersted in girls like that. but u know what ever floats his boat, but if he was to get w/ any type of girl like that i couldn't be his friend. i want him to be happy and i guess that's why im able to deal with this i'm not doing too well but i'll get thru this.. it's just that i can honestly say that Derek was and is the first guy that i ever truly fell in love with, like he's the first guy i didn't cheat on, he's the first guy that i trusted (even w/ all this shit w/ his ex) i did so much for him and i was seriously sprunged on the boy, i cared about him more than i think i've ever cared about anyone he seriously was like the greatest thing to me and i thought that we would have more time together like i new we were on brakes and stuff but i nvr thought that he would be ready to date other ppl, and now that i know he's already like looking it sucks cuz it makes me feel as if our relationship meant nothing to him and than recently i jsut don't feel like he even wants to talk to me and if he doens't than i wish he would just tell me ya know? we hung out on monday, he came and saw me and like everything was great i dont think i've had that much fun w/ him, and it's like i didn't want it to end, like i knew as long as i kept him close to me than maybe i could hold on to him, being w/ him that day, made me miss him and want him even more and i can't do that to myself, cuz i've got to let go of him, if he's ready to move on i've got to respect that i can't continue to do this to myself, it's not good for me cuz than i wind up right here in front of my compu. writing about it and just being depressed. It's not good for me, and i've got to get over him, i know that we will not wind up back together, i promised myself that if i ever was in a relationship whre we broke up than i wouldn't get back together w/ them cuz it never works and if we broke up we obviously borke up for a reason. SO now i've got to be strong and he's got to understand that right now it will be difficult to be his friend just cuz when i'm w/ him, it makes me feel like he loves me and it makes me think that he wants to be with me, but i know that's not what he wants. So i'm gonna do this, and i'll thru this cuz ihave great friends who are gonna be here for me and im a strong girl and i can get thru anything.
I've already sworn off relationships i told myself that i don't wanna get in another seriousl realtionship for like a year or more, i just need time to be by myself and figure out things and maybe eventually i'll go out on dates or like some one (that is if a guy would ever be interested in me) but i know that i don't want anything serious. I don't wanna fall in love again...at least not anytime soon, cuz when i say i love u to the next person i want to make sure that when they say they love me too, that they mean it and that our love, relationship and friendship will last forever.
but aside from mine and Derek stuff, i've met some cool ppl here, but theres not much to do here i kinda still like my friends in dallas more, i'm going home again this weekend yay! it should be fun, i want to eat a Dos Rios i love that friend. plus my B's b-day was Monday and i wanna give her a big hug and kiss and say HAPPY BIRTHDAY B-DAY! speaking of i gotta get her a gift, i've been super busy w/ school, my statistic class is killing me my teacher has no idea how to teach she a moron, but other than that i'm doing good. so go me!
but anywho i'm out.
Jessica
so i chilled at home and later on i was on the compu and i went into my ftj account and when u go in they put up like guys in your neighborhood, well who do i see? DEREK!!! and not only did he open an account he's like a platnum member so he paid for that shit! dude he hardly ever paid 4 anything 4 me and he's able to pay to be on a website? nedless to say i was a bit jealouse,so i go to his profile, and check it out, he already had like 15 girls on his favorites, and these girls WHOA! okay when i saw them it made me feel like crap i was like okay what the hell does he see in me cuz obviously i don't have any of those qualities, i'm not a slut showing my ass online, or my boobs, and i def. don't have big boobs, i'm not tall it's like all these trampy girls on there and i'm like damn, he left me and he's ready to go out and date trashy girls like that, and looking at all those girls didn't seem to boost my confidnece very much. and now it made me realize why recently he's been on line like 24/7 prob. talking to some hoe and i hate to be like this cuz i don't wanna be like the psycho still in luv w/ ur ex type of ex g.f but honestly Derek can do so much better than those trashy girls and it just pisses me off that he's intersted in girls like that. but u know what ever floats his boat, but if he was to get w/ any type of girl like that i couldn't be his friend. i want him to be happy and i guess that's why im able to deal with this i'm not doing too well but i'll get thru this.. it's just that i can honestly say that Derek was and is the first guy that i ever truly fell in love with, like he's the first guy i didn't cheat on, he's the first guy that i trusted (even w/ all this shit w/ his ex) i did so much for him and i was seriously sprunged on the boy, i cared about him more than i think i've ever cared about anyone he seriously was like the greatest thing to me and i thought that we would have more time together like i new we were on brakes and stuff but i nvr thought that he would be ready to date other ppl, and now that i know he's already like looking it sucks cuz it makes me feel as if our relationship meant nothing to him and than recently i jsut don't feel like he even wants to talk to me and if he doens't than i wish he would just tell me ya know? we hung out on monday, he came and saw me and like everything was great i dont think i've had that much fun w/ him, and it's like i didn't want it to end, like i knew as long as i kept him close to me than maybe i could hold on to him, being w/ him that day, made me miss him and want him even more and i can't do that to myself, cuz i've got to let go of him, if he's ready to move on i've got to respect that i can't continue to do this to myself, it's not good for me cuz than i wind up right here in front of my compu. writing about it and just being depressed. It's not good for me, and i've got to get over him, i know that we will not wind up back together, i promised myself that if i ever was in a relationship whre we broke up than i wouldn't get back together w/ them cuz it never works and if we broke up we obviously borke up for a reason. SO now i've got to be strong and he's got to understand that right now it will be difficult to be his friend just cuz when i'm w/ him, it makes me feel like he loves me and it makes me think that he wants to be with me, but i know that's not what he wants. So i'm gonna do this, and i'll thru this cuz ihave great friends who are gonna be here for me and im a strong girl and i can get thru anything.
I've already sworn off relationships i told myself that i don't wanna get in another seriousl realtionship for like a year or more, i just need time to be by myself and figure out things and maybe eventually i'll go out on dates or like some one (that is if a guy would ever be interested in me) but i know that i don't want anything serious. I don't wanna fall in love again...at least not anytime soon, cuz when i say i love u to the next person i want to make sure that when they say they love me too, that they mean it and that our love, relationship and friendship will last forever.
but aside from mine and Derek stuff, i've met some cool ppl here, but theres not much to do here i kinda still like my friends in dallas more, i'm going home again this weekend yay! it should be fun, i want to eat a Dos Rios i love that friend. plus my B's b-day was Monday and i wanna give her a big hug and kiss and say HAPPY BIRTHDAY B-DAY! speaking of i gotta get her a gift, i've been super busy w/ school, my statistic class is killing me my teacher has no idea how to teach she a moron, but other than that i'm doing good. so go me!
but anywho i'm out.
Jessica