"I don't want the Booster! Everybody hates him!"
Merry Bianowiczmas!
There were scalloped potatoes and sickkk desserts and we rented, yes rented, Jingle All the Way. It’s a sacred tradition that needs to be upheld.
Also rented Beerfest. I wasn’t in love with it, yet I loved Super Troopers. There were so many tits in this one! I really feel like the Broken Lizard dudes are pandering to the Old School and National Lampoon ticket-buyers. That is beat if you ask meow.
Then the BroEppinger kids went to the Mega Movies of Doom (by the way Bianowiczmas is all about movies) for Night at the Museum, which I thought I’d hate because it would be lame, and filled with Owen Wilson. Actually, Owen wasn’t really the main focus, but I hated it because of inaccuracies, anachronisms, and the general perpetuation of the American re-writing, misinterpretation, folding, spindling, mutilation of, and calculated amnesia concerning world history.
The ancient Egyptians were black Africans. I know you don’t want to hear that, since they were such an advanced civilization. But the people who inhabited that corner of Northern Africa descended from people who lived deeper in the Sahara (you know, near Central Africa) when it was lush and not yet desert. What do people from Central Africa look like? THAT is who should have been cast to play an ancient Egyptian.
OK, OK, Egyptian cities in their prime were cosmopolitan centers, and there were diversities in skin color (especially once there was contact with Greece). Many people have seen hieroglyphics portraying people with very black skin, brown skin, red skin… This had a lot to do with slavery and a lot to do with the economy.
But accept it: those Egyptians weren’t Arabs, not yet. Not until 800 A.D. (or C.E.) (And they sure as fuck didn’t look like no Charleston Heston.)
So casting Rami Malek as Ahkmenrah, while he is a gorgeous young actor (with light-ish skin all things considered), is a fucking gaping error.
That character in the movie Ahkmenrah was a king and the commander of every crazyass creature in that museum. Why wasn’t he a black man?
Math was invented on the African continent. Coffee was discovered there. Fuck, HUMAN LIFE started there! Why can’t we admit that? Why can’t we even cast a black actor as a powerful king in a family film?!
Oh guess what. The black people in traditional African dress did not have one single line in this movie. Maybe a grunt here or there, but they were not capable of speech (not to mention beautifully crafted oral traditions, systems of trade, or a complex religious life). The fucking Neanderthals had more air time, and were given personalities. By the way, white actors were cast for the cavemen.
Why didn’t the Mayans have any lines? The cowboys in the American West did. The Romans did. The Mayans just wanted to shoot innocents with arrows, even though they constructed some mind-fucking-blowing pyramids and were math wiz-es and charted the cosmos.
Oh, right anyone from Mesoamerica or South America is a bloodthirsty savage. They certainly don’t deserve any character development. (Don’t you dare fucking tell me to see Mel Gibson’s new movie. Don’t.)
Just so you know, the Romans spoke Latin (not with an Italian accent, either), not English with a British accent.
There were scalloped potatoes and sickkk desserts and we rented, yes rented, Jingle All the Way. It’s a sacred tradition that needs to be upheld.
Also rented Beerfest. I wasn’t in love with it, yet I loved Super Troopers. There were so many tits in this one! I really feel like the Broken Lizard dudes are pandering to the Old School and National Lampoon ticket-buyers. That is beat if you ask meow.
Then the BroEppinger kids went to the Mega Movies of Doom (by the way Bianowiczmas is all about movies) for Night at the Museum, which I thought I’d hate because it would be lame, and filled with Owen Wilson. Actually, Owen wasn’t really the main focus, but I hated it because of inaccuracies, anachronisms, and the general perpetuation of the American re-writing, misinterpretation, folding, spindling, mutilation of, and calculated amnesia concerning world history.
The ancient Egyptians were black Africans. I know you don’t want to hear that, since they were such an advanced civilization. But the people who inhabited that corner of Northern Africa descended from people who lived deeper in the Sahara (you know, near Central Africa) when it was lush and not yet desert. What do people from Central Africa look like? THAT is who should have been cast to play an ancient Egyptian.
OK, OK, Egyptian cities in their prime were cosmopolitan centers, and there were diversities in skin color (especially once there was contact with Greece). Many people have seen hieroglyphics portraying people with very black skin, brown skin, red skin… This had a lot to do with slavery and a lot to do with the economy.
But accept it: those Egyptians weren’t Arabs, not yet. Not until 800 A.D. (or C.E.) (And they sure as fuck didn’t look like no Charleston Heston.)
So casting Rami Malek as Ahkmenrah, while he is a gorgeous young actor (with light-ish skin all things considered), is a fucking gaping error.
That character in the movie Ahkmenrah was a king and the commander of every crazyass creature in that museum. Why wasn’t he a black man?
Math was invented on the African continent. Coffee was discovered there. Fuck, HUMAN LIFE started there! Why can’t we admit that? Why can’t we even cast a black actor as a powerful king in a family film?!
Oh guess what. The black people in traditional African dress did not have one single line in this movie. Maybe a grunt here or there, but they were not capable of speech (not to mention beautifully crafted oral traditions, systems of trade, or a complex religious life). The fucking Neanderthals had more air time, and were given personalities. By the way, white actors were cast for the cavemen.
Why didn’t the Mayans have any lines? The cowboys in the American West did. The Romans did. The Mayans just wanted to shoot innocents with arrows, even though they constructed some mind-fucking-blowing pyramids and were math wiz-es and charted the cosmos.
Oh, right anyone from Mesoamerica or South America is a bloodthirsty savage. They certainly don’t deserve any character development. (Don’t you dare fucking tell me to see Mel Gibson’s new movie. Don’t.)
Just so you know, the Romans spoke Latin (not with an Italian accent, either), not English with a British accent.