(no subject)
. I was crying earlier...I can't control my emotions anymore...I think people were right, I think I am clinically depressed. Rachel and I said our final Good-byes last night...I know she sent me a letter this morning, to apolagize...That isn't why I'm crying.
It's like I don't know who I am anymore, I always feel depressed and sick...I'm always striving and going out of my way to impress people...I never used to be like that...Some people persist in asking me why I do some of the things that I do...Well, for all you people who ask me this...I don't have an answer for you and I'm not sorry for that.
Fuck it all...not even my best escape, music/drawing, helps me anymore...I feel like stabbing something int myself...not to kill myself, but just to feel the angst leave and for the pain to shoot through me, letting me know I'm still really alive.
I don't talk to people much anymore...I don't want to engage myself in any conversation, have fun in talking to the person, then that person suddenly signing off...Lately I get pissed or depressed at even the smallest thing such as that.
Sure, I've been depressed and quite bitchy many a time, but this time is different...Before, I could just scream and listen to music while drawing or writing to ease the sorrow or angst...but now....now nothing helps. I could scream for hours, scream until my voice runs hoarse, scream until I vomit from the bitter taste of a dry mouth, scream until I run out of breath entirely...It wouldn't help a bit.
I've also been really lazy lately...I can't concentrate on my school testing, because it gives me a headache to try and think when I just want to kill someone. No one in particular, just anyone...
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I can't remember anything Can't tell if this is true or dream Deep down inside I feel to scream This terrible silence stops with me Now that the war is through with me I'm waking up, I cannot see That there's not much left of me Nothing is real but pain now Hold my breath as I wish for death Oh please God, wake me Back in the womb it's much too real In pumps life that I must feel But can't look forward to reveal Look to the time when I'll live Fed through the tube that sticks in me Just like a wartime novelty Tied to machines that make me be Cut this life off from me Hold my breath as I wish for death Oh please God, wake me Now the world is gone I'm just one Oh God help me Hold my breath as I wish for death Oh please God, help me Darkness Imprisoning me All that I see Absolute horror I cannot live I cannot die Trapped in myself Body my holding cell Landmine has taken my sight Taken my speech Taken my hearing Taken my arms Taken my legs Taken my soul Left me with life in hell"♪
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