Aghh.
Well I haven't written in this thing in forever. Well not an actual entry. I think I feel like writing right now a.) because my sister was checking hers today and it reminded me that I even had one to begin with, and b.) because so much is going on in my life right now, and I feel like I can't handle it all.
Ya know how every once in a while, your life comes to a point where every aspect of it feels like it's caving in - all at the same time? That's happening to me right now. I can always tell when its coming too. And obviously, I always dread it.
First of all - I work at Portland Country Market. I make literally like $110 a week. I drive a Jeep [gas guzzler], and it costs me like $70 a week just to get around to where I need to go. I'm not going on road trips either. From Glastonbury to Portland and back sucks up gas like you wouldn't believe. I need a real job, but at the same time I'm terrified to try anywhere else. BUT I'M ALSO REALLY EXCITED TO TRY SOMEWHERE ELSE. Ughh.
Second of all - I stayed on my points all the way from March 5th, until like last month, and I lost 27 pounds. I was going to the gym almost everyday and I was loving every second of it. But for some odd reason, like always, I went off of my points for like 2 days. Of course I couldn't seem to get back on them, and now I've gained like 7 pounds back. All I think about everyday is - 'Why did I make myself suffer for three months, if I'm only going to pig out and gain all of my weight back plus more?'. While I was on my points before, every morning I would wake up so excited to get on the scale and see how much I had lost.. Now I wake up every morning - miserable - Thinking.. 'I wonder how much I've gained.' I feel horrible.
Thirdly - I feel like I'm never home, and that I'm using my house as a hotel.. and I feel awful. I want to be home more, but I have so much to do, and I never get home in time. I get home after everyone has gone to bed, and I wake up after everyone has gone to work. I get this horrible feeling in my stomach everytime I think about it, and I feel like there's nothing I can do.
Then on top of it, me and JP are fighting literally every second of life, and I'm so mad all the time, and when I suggest that we don't see eachother for a day or so, he gets all mad and defensive and doesn't understand that seeing eachother everyday isn't a good thing. That's what completely ruined my last relationship - I'm just trying to learn from my mistakes and fix things before they break. But he can't understand that.
I pray so much, and I try so hard to do the right things all the time because I think that as long as you try to be a good person, and do what God would want you to do, then he'll do good things for you in return. It's just hard to keep that in mind while things are going so horribly wrong.
I did my points today atleast. I think I'm way under actually. That feels really good. Plus, on top of it - I'm off tomorrow so I get to lay out and tan all day long if I want to. I just really have to sign up for classes.
I'm leaving for Maine on Monday night for a week. I've never been to Maine. I'm really excited.
I'll probably update again soon.