Buried Alive in McDonald's Fries
Well today at school we have a big ceremony for my hero of the month Anglience Williams. Her short story is going to be made into a short film produced by a real Hollywood director (don't know which one will provide details when I receive them). I'm super proud of her of course. I mean she went up against thousands of others and came out on top. It amazed the crap out of me. So much I immediately got to work on my summer application essay that I have been putting off for the last 3 weeks. I want something I can proud of too. I bet it’s an amazing feeling. Half way though my first draft I kept hearing a voice in the back of my head telling me "Girl, what are you doing? They don't want you. No they want smart girls, remarkable women, with something to offer. You're wasting your time..." It's starting to make me think: maybe I'm not (just) lazy. What if I have low self-esteem? I'm aware I'm smart (mostly word of my teachers and peers). But I can barely accept this fact (or opinion?) when push comes to shove and I wind up pissing away opportunities like this all the time. I really want to go to New York but something inside of me won't allow myself to achieve this. If I’m doing this now what happens when I apply to college? Will I just go to with a safety school like BGSU or CSU or will I have the courage to push myself to follow those pies in the sky dreams. I just don’t want to walk up thirty-years-old, signing and dragging myself off to some job I hate and yet I continue to allow myself to be so self-destructive. My guitar sits in the corner gathering dust most days; I’ve been wanting to play since I was 15. I’ve damn near gave up on writing poetry when less than two years ago I was a 3 poems a day girl. I always wanted to speak Spanish and yet I sleep through the class (Don’t even ask me how I have a B+ in the class). When I was 13 I said “4.0 all 4 years!” with an untouchable sense of pride and commitment and now I’m barely walking away with a 3.2 come closing 1st semester of my sophomore year. A 3.2 is like a B average and by no means bad but I want to do better (I am kinda this semester 3.6). For some reason I just don’t have the drive I’m looking for someone to push me and I turn back to see no one standing behind me. I need to learn to pump on my own but it’s scary to think that it’s all up to me. I’m afraid to just jump into something so I just watch that damn idiot box, chat on Facebook and make sure my grade are adequate day after day, week after, month after month and soon enough it will be year after year. I want more out of life and I’m going to start grabbing at that brass ring. That’s what wrong with me - I’m a coward. And it’s high time I kill all that noise. I am smart, I am powerful, I am worth it, and I am damn sure gonna try. Come win or fail.
I feel better adressing these problems. Now all I need to do is take action on these.