Fic: [Bleach] Words. (Gen)
Title: Words.
Fandom: Bleach
Characters: Kira Izuru, Hisagi Shuuhei
Rating: PG
Warnings: Major angst. Spoilers for chapter 367, for the academy flashback chapters and the Turn Back the Pendulum arc.
Disclaimer: Bleach belongs to Tite Kubo and related companies, I just like to play with his characters
Summary: Words can change your life. And a discussion from long in the past can become painfully relevant to your present.
Author's notes: Discussions about the chapters and certain stupid behaviour give me many plot bunnies. I do like this one, even if writing it made me tear up several times.
Much, much love and cookies to the person who can identify the line Shuu says to Izu in the first half of this that has far more implications than it should and makes me rather upset.
Izuru slumped against the cold stone wall, holding back the burning pain behind his eyes, refusing to give in to his shame, hands clenched so tightly in his lap that it hurt. He shuddered as the night wind ghosted down the corridor, but other than that involuntary movement he was still, his breathing forcibly under his control.
This was the third night in a row he’d sneaked out, unable to face the agony of deciding whether to wake up Abarai-kun or not anymore, finally cracking under the visions of the disgust he’d see in those eyes after a week of barely minimal sleep.
A week. The longest week of his life. At this point, Kira Izuru couldn’t tell if he was thoroughly disgusted or furious with himself. Or a mix of both. His classes had suffered, but the teachers had all cut him some slack; it was simply expected that he was in shock. He didn’t want slack.
Izuru knew all too clearly exactly what had happened. He had disgraced himself, and his family name, all in that one act. Pitiful. That was what he was. Even Hinamori-kun had held herself better than he had. Izuru’s control slipped then, his breathing becoming harsher moments before he heard approaching footsteps.
Listening to the steady tread coming closer, Izuru jumped to his feet, holding himself rigidly as he waited for the teacher on night patrol to round the corner, wondering if he was finally going to be brought up on his behaviour.
It was almost with bitter regret that he recognised the uniform of a student in the dim light.
Shuuhei wasn’t exactly supposed to be out of bed either. But sleep was hard to come by right now, and the teachers understood. Much better for him to walk out his restlessness than to wind himself up until he snapped. He was feeling strangely calm right now, - detached and away from himself - something he had been sure would be denied to him always after what he had seen. And yet, here he was.
The sound of heavy breathing from the hall ahead had startled him, and Shuuhei had quickened his pace, wondering if someone was in trouble. The shock of blonde hair stood out in the moonlight, the kid’s face washed pale. He was shaking. Shuuhei shook his head ruefully; he should have known he wouldn’t have been the only one sleepless from that incident.
It was him. Hisagi Shuuhei. Izuru no longer felt his confident words to Abarai-kun, words that seemed to have been uttered in a completely different lifetime. One where he still had pride. As the seconds slid by and his senpai just kept right on walking, Izuru thought he was going to be passed by without comment, something that made him irrationally angry. He was just about to step forward, challenge Shuuhei’s nonchalance about him breaking the rules, when a quiet voice broke through the fog.
“Walk with me.”
That was all. It wasn’t an order, barely even a suggestion; just a flat statement expecting to be obeyed, but uncaring if it wasn’t. Izuru hesitated for the briefest of moments before falling in alongside this most famous of his upperclassmen. For a while there was nothing but the near silent tread of their feet as they wandered, Shuuhei leading, Izuru’s curiosity about his quiet senpai growing with every step.
“Guess you couldn’t sleep either, huh?” The words came just as Izuru was sure he was about to burst and angrily demand an explanation. He didn’t know why he was angry.
“No. Just biding my time until they kick me out of this place.” Izuru muttered sullenly, avoiding Shuuhei’s gaze.
Genuinely curious at this answer, Shuuhei pressed him. “Why would they do that?”
Izuru snorted and cast him a glance that seemed to ask if Shuuhei was actually sane. “The way I acted.” he said, after a moment, when Shuuhei’s glance didn’t let up or change. “”When I screamed at the hollows.” The blonde’s words held such a self-loathing tone that Shuuhei felt a little out of place chuckling at them, though he had no trouble ignoring his kowhai’s affronted look.
“Is that all?” When Izuru fixed him with an entirely disbelieving gaze, Shuuhei stopped, turning to face him. “Look, kid, everyone gets scared.”
“Don’t call me kid.” Izuru mumbled, reddening slightly. Shuuhei raised an eyebrow, clearly telling him not to argue.
“Everyone gets scared.” he repeated. “This was your first time seeing real huge hollows, wasn’t it?” Izuru gave a curt nod in reply. “Kira,” Izuru eyes widened at the use of his name; he hadn’t been certain Shuuhei knew it. “The first time I saw a huge hollow, I started crying.”
“No way.” Izuru breathed. Hisagi Shuuhei, crying in the face of danger? Not possible.
“Believe it.” Shuuhei nodded slowly, deciding not to mention how young he was at the time; it all equated to the same, since Izuru wouldn’t have had the same exposure to dangerous situations as he had growing up. They were both in about the same mental state.
He slowly traced a finger over the tattoo, locking eyes with Izuru, who couldn’t look away from the piercing stare. “There was a man, an officer of the gotei thirteen. He saved me, and I wear this to remind myself of the debt I owe to him.” Shuuhei’s voice was low, utterly serious. “There is no shame in needing to be saved if you use it as a reason to become stronger.”
Reaching out and patting Izuru on the shoulder, he grinned softly at him. “Don’t give up at the first hurdle. Grit your teeth, smile, and get stronger.” Leaving Izuru standing there, looking a little shocked, Shuuhei began the walk back to his room. His words had had an effect on him too, the remembered encounter giving him something to think about.
Shuuhei stopped just before he turned out of sight, calling his last words over his shoulder. “Go to bed, kid. You’ve got a lot of training to do tomorrow.”
It was good advice, and Izuru took it.
It would be years before Shuuhei described that encounter properly to him.
---
“Kira.” Shuuhei struggled to sit up, harsh breaths rattling through his chest with the pain of his wounds as he dragged himself viciously to a half sitting position, refusing to give in to his weakness.
“Hisagi-san, lay down! You’re not-” Izuru stopped, his concerned but inevitably exhausted words breaking off as he realised Shuuhei was looking at someone in the distance rather than at him, his eyes swinging from one battle to another.
“Kira, I have to. I need to go.” He didn’t have the breath the emphasis needed. Izuru shook his head at the stubborn tone. “Kira-”
“No, Hisagi-san. You’re not strong enough right now.” Izuru insisted, completing his thought from before, head shaking softly to emphasise his point; he couldn’t let him go into that. Shuuhei held his gaze for a moment before turning back to watch the white haired man battle, fixed on the wrong fight, concern flickering in a respectful gaze. White haired man. Izuru’s eyes widened in sudden, cold understanding. “It’s him, isn’t it.” he whispered.
Shuuhei gave a short nod, turning soft, pleading eyes back to Izuru. Those eyes knew he was too badly injured; they knew their duty. “I need to go help Komamura-taichou, Kira.” Izuru bit his bottom lip, staring down at his trembling hands as he ran the scenarios through his mind, each worse than the last, unable to grasp the better ones he knew were there. “Ki-”
“Hold still.” Izuru sighed, forcibly cutting off that plea, the words angrier than he meant them. Roughly grabbing Shuuhei’s head between his hands, Izuru used a burst of energy he didn’t know he had spare to put Shuuhei into a better condition than he was - a difference that just might save his life. “Go.” he said shortly, not trusting himself to say more, quickly opening a hole in the barrier and watching the not-really-there flickering rather than the still weary face of one of his longest friends
Shuuhei hesitated before he stood, feeling suddenly much stronger and thanking everything he knew for the blonde’s training. “Thanks, Kira.” He didn’t add the words both men conveyed in a gaze then, the ones that had full control of both their minds but that neither would allow the other to say.
“Hisagi-san?” Shuuhei turned back at the quiet call, meeting blue eyes dulled by fatigue. “Be careful.” Izuru hated the way his voice cracked on those two, simple words. Shuuhei nodded once - he didn’t have the words to say anything, especially not empty reassurances. “I’ll try.“
And then he was gone, back into the heat of battle. Izuru closed the breach with the sinking feeling that he wouldn’t be opening it again settling over him. Momo coughed then, weakly, and Izuru returned to his duty, trusting Shuuhei to his.
Fandom: Bleach
Characters: Kira Izuru, Hisagi Shuuhei
Rating: PG
Warnings: Major angst. Spoilers for chapter 367, for the academy flashback chapters and the Turn Back the Pendulum arc.
Disclaimer: Bleach belongs to Tite Kubo and related companies, I just like to play with his characters
Summary: Words can change your life. And a discussion from long in the past can become painfully relevant to your present.
Author's notes: Discussions about the chapters and certain stupid behaviour give me many plot bunnies. I do like this one, even if writing it made me tear up several times.
Much, much love and cookies to the person who can identify the line Shuu says to Izu in the first half of this that has far more implications than it should and makes me rather upset.
Izuru slumped against the cold stone wall, holding back the burning pain behind his eyes, refusing to give in to his shame, hands clenched so tightly in his lap that it hurt. He shuddered as the night wind ghosted down the corridor, but other than that involuntary movement he was still, his breathing forcibly under his control.
This was the third night in a row he’d sneaked out, unable to face the agony of deciding whether to wake up Abarai-kun or not anymore, finally cracking under the visions of the disgust he’d see in those eyes after a week of barely minimal sleep.
A week. The longest week of his life. At this point, Kira Izuru couldn’t tell if he was thoroughly disgusted or furious with himself. Or a mix of both. His classes had suffered, but the teachers had all cut him some slack; it was simply expected that he was in shock. He didn’t want slack.
Izuru knew all too clearly exactly what had happened. He had disgraced himself, and his family name, all in that one act. Pitiful. That was what he was. Even Hinamori-kun had held herself better than he had. Izuru’s control slipped then, his breathing becoming harsher moments before he heard approaching footsteps.
Listening to the steady tread coming closer, Izuru jumped to his feet, holding himself rigidly as he waited for the teacher on night patrol to round the corner, wondering if he was finally going to be brought up on his behaviour.
It was almost with bitter regret that he recognised the uniform of a student in the dim light.
Shuuhei wasn’t exactly supposed to be out of bed either. But sleep was hard to come by right now, and the teachers understood. Much better for him to walk out his restlessness than to wind himself up until he snapped. He was feeling strangely calm right now, - detached and away from himself - something he had been sure would be denied to him always after what he had seen. And yet, here he was.
The sound of heavy breathing from the hall ahead had startled him, and Shuuhei had quickened his pace, wondering if someone was in trouble. The shock of blonde hair stood out in the moonlight, the kid’s face washed pale. He was shaking. Shuuhei shook his head ruefully; he should have known he wouldn’t have been the only one sleepless from that incident.
It was him. Hisagi Shuuhei. Izuru no longer felt his confident words to Abarai-kun, words that seemed to have been uttered in a completely different lifetime. One where he still had pride. As the seconds slid by and his senpai just kept right on walking, Izuru thought he was going to be passed by without comment, something that made him irrationally angry. He was just about to step forward, challenge Shuuhei’s nonchalance about him breaking the rules, when a quiet voice broke through the fog.
“Walk with me.”
That was all. It wasn’t an order, barely even a suggestion; just a flat statement expecting to be obeyed, but uncaring if it wasn’t. Izuru hesitated for the briefest of moments before falling in alongside this most famous of his upperclassmen. For a while there was nothing but the near silent tread of their feet as they wandered, Shuuhei leading, Izuru’s curiosity about his quiet senpai growing with every step.
“Guess you couldn’t sleep either, huh?” The words came just as Izuru was sure he was about to burst and angrily demand an explanation. He didn’t know why he was angry.
“No. Just biding my time until they kick me out of this place.” Izuru muttered sullenly, avoiding Shuuhei’s gaze.
Genuinely curious at this answer, Shuuhei pressed him. “Why would they do that?”
Izuru snorted and cast him a glance that seemed to ask if Shuuhei was actually sane. “The way I acted.” he said, after a moment, when Shuuhei’s glance didn’t let up or change. “”When I screamed at the hollows.” The blonde’s words held such a self-loathing tone that Shuuhei felt a little out of place chuckling at them, though he had no trouble ignoring his kowhai’s affronted look.
“Is that all?” When Izuru fixed him with an entirely disbelieving gaze, Shuuhei stopped, turning to face him. “Look, kid, everyone gets scared.”
“Don’t call me kid.” Izuru mumbled, reddening slightly. Shuuhei raised an eyebrow, clearly telling him not to argue.
“Everyone gets scared.” he repeated. “This was your first time seeing real huge hollows, wasn’t it?” Izuru gave a curt nod in reply. “Kira,” Izuru eyes widened at the use of his name; he hadn’t been certain Shuuhei knew it. “The first time I saw a huge hollow, I started crying.”
“No way.” Izuru breathed. Hisagi Shuuhei, crying in the face of danger? Not possible.
“Believe it.” Shuuhei nodded slowly, deciding not to mention how young he was at the time; it all equated to the same, since Izuru wouldn’t have had the same exposure to dangerous situations as he had growing up. They were both in about the same mental state.
He slowly traced a finger over the tattoo, locking eyes with Izuru, who couldn’t look away from the piercing stare. “There was a man, an officer of the gotei thirteen. He saved me, and I wear this to remind myself of the debt I owe to him.” Shuuhei’s voice was low, utterly serious. “There is no shame in needing to be saved if you use it as a reason to become stronger.”
Reaching out and patting Izuru on the shoulder, he grinned softly at him. “Don’t give up at the first hurdle. Grit your teeth, smile, and get stronger.” Leaving Izuru standing there, looking a little shocked, Shuuhei began the walk back to his room. His words had had an effect on him too, the remembered encounter giving him something to think about.
Shuuhei stopped just before he turned out of sight, calling his last words over his shoulder. “Go to bed, kid. You’ve got a lot of training to do tomorrow.”
It was good advice, and Izuru took it.
It would be years before Shuuhei described that encounter properly to him.
---
“Kira.” Shuuhei struggled to sit up, harsh breaths rattling through his chest with the pain of his wounds as he dragged himself viciously to a half sitting position, refusing to give in to his weakness.
“Hisagi-san, lay down! You’re not-” Izuru stopped, his concerned but inevitably exhausted words breaking off as he realised Shuuhei was looking at someone in the distance rather than at him, his eyes swinging from one battle to another.
“Kira, I have to. I need to go.” He didn’t have the breath the emphasis needed. Izuru shook his head at the stubborn tone. “Kira-”
“No, Hisagi-san. You’re not strong enough right now.” Izuru insisted, completing his thought from before, head shaking softly to emphasise his point; he couldn’t let him go into that. Shuuhei held his gaze for a moment before turning back to watch the white haired man battle, fixed on the wrong fight, concern flickering in a respectful gaze. White haired man. Izuru’s eyes widened in sudden, cold understanding. “It’s him, isn’t it.” he whispered.
Shuuhei gave a short nod, turning soft, pleading eyes back to Izuru. Those eyes knew he was too badly injured; they knew their duty. “I need to go help Komamura-taichou, Kira.” Izuru bit his bottom lip, staring down at his trembling hands as he ran the scenarios through his mind, each worse than the last, unable to grasp the better ones he knew were there. “Ki-”
“Hold still.” Izuru sighed, forcibly cutting off that plea, the words angrier than he meant them. Roughly grabbing Shuuhei’s head between his hands, Izuru used a burst of energy he didn’t know he had spare to put Shuuhei into a better condition than he was - a difference that just might save his life. “Go.” he said shortly, not trusting himself to say more, quickly opening a hole in the barrier and watching the not-really-there flickering rather than the still weary face of one of his longest friends
Shuuhei hesitated before he stood, feeling suddenly much stronger and thanking everything he knew for the blonde’s training. “Thanks, Kira.” He didn’t add the words both men conveyed in a gaze then, the ones that had full control of both their minds but that neither would allow the other to say.
“Hisagi-san?” Shuuhei turned back at the quiet call, meeting blue eyes dulled by fatigue. “Be careful.” Izuru hated the way his voice cracked on those two, simple words. Shuuhei nodded once - he didn’t have the words to say anything, especially not empty reassurances. “I’ll try.“
And then he was gone, back into the heat of battle. Izuru closed the breach with the sinking feeling that he wouldn’t be opening it again settling over him. Momo coughed then, weakly, and Izuru returned to his duty, trusting Shuuhei to his.