worthy of...
so what makes him worthy, eh? what is it that makes me think...yep, i'm gonna pursue you. you are what i want right now. what could that trait be...
he and i really are similar. even though we disagree in just about everything, we're similar in our reactions and actions and such. we have similar senses of humour--at least, we tend to laugh at the same things. i think one of the main things that attracts me to him in this way is that...we're so opposite yet we still manage to click reasonably well. its intriguing to see that he and i are still compatible while being so different.
his relationship with his family. oh lord. that alone is enough for me to love him. to see the pure care and love he has when he speaks of his sister...thats enough to warm the heart through an Alaska christmas.
he actually cared. did, anyway...he's currently "distracted" i suppose. But when i went into his room, he actually stopped to ask me how i was, and then...waited for an answer. a lot of the time i wont answer people when they ask me just to see who is actually listening and waiting; he passed that test. he'd look at me and wait until i said whatever my answer was, and then he'd respond. he wouldn't immediately turn conversation onto himself or launch immediately into something that was centered around himself, he actually paid attention to my life and what was going on. that was a nice, refreshing change for once.
so the reason that...i don't know about all this anymore. its a completely selfish reason. and i hate that, because i try to be as unselfish as possible, but sometimes you just can't help it.
if i decide to keep pursuing this, im gonna get more and more hurt. i don't know how much more I can handle. I'm playing second best. Again. As always. I have all my life, and I'm getting really frustrated with it. It's been this way since i've been here...had to deal with being second best to Michael, and I'm still dealing with being second best to Darren...i can't handle having to deal with being second best to Matt too. There is a point in time where I have to question if I'll ever make it past my position. And right now, the futures looking quite dim.
I've always been a big believer in...if it's meant to happen, it will. I don't try to win over guys or do things that will make them like me or realize they like me. I don't believe in that at all; if there is an attraction, then there is an attraction. If there isn't, well then there isnt--suck it up and move on. it sucks, but that's life: life sucks. its not possible I don't think to flip my hair, dress pretty, and be around him constantly and then BOOM he likes me all of a sudden. it just doesn't click with me that way.
so i question if this is worth it simply because...will i make it through this? will I be able to handle it? It's not about is he worth it--i definitely think he is. but its about me this time...how much silver medaling can i take before i fall into my dark side again? my resolve is weakining, i hope people realize that...
PS. while we're on this whole "honesty/telling the truth" bullshit, darren i guess i should tell you why i dont go to the gym. it feels like an excuse, but its actually true. i have a bad wrist, ankle and knee; too much activity or strenuous, unusual pushing on any of them make them give out on me and hurt. there are reasons i have braces for them and there are reasons i dont do many things--its because of these "injuries".
he and i really are similar. even though we disagree in just about everything, we're similar in our reactions and actions and such. we have similar senses of humour--at least, we tend to laugh at the same things. i think one of the main things that attracts me to him in this way is that...we're so opposite yet we still manage to click reasonably well. its intriguing to see that he and i are still compatible while being so different.
his relationship with his family. oh lord. that alone is enough for me to love him. to see the pure care and love he has when he speaks of his sister...thats enough to warm the heart through an Alaska christmas.
he actually cared. did, anyway...he's currently "distracted" i suppose. But when i went into his room, he actually stopped to ask me how i was, and then...waited for an answer. a lot of the time i wont answer people when they ask me just to see who is actually listening and waiting; he passed that test. he'd look at me and wait until i said whatever my answer was, and then he'd respond. he wouldn't immediately turn conversation onto himself or launch immediately into something that was centered around himself, he actually paid attention to my life and what was going on. that was a nice, refreshing change for once.
so the reason that...i don't know about all this anymore. its a completely selfish reason. and i hate that, because i try to be as unselfish as possible, but sometimes you just can't help it.
if i decide to keep pursuing this, im gonna get more and more hurt. i don't know how much more I can handle. I'm playing second best. Again. As always. I have all my life, and I'm getting really frustrated with it. It's been this way since i've been here...had to deal with being second best to Michael, and I'm still dealing with being second best to Darren...i can't handle having to deal with being second best to Matt too. There is a point in time where I have to question if I'll ever make it past my position. And right now, the futures looking quite dim.
I've always been a big believer in...if it's meant to happen, it will. I don't try to win over guys or do things that will make them like me or realize they like me. I don't believe in that at all; if there is an attraction, then there is an attraction. If there isn't, well then there isnt--suck it up and move on. it sucks, but that's life: life sucks. its not possible I don't think to flip my hair, dress pretty, and be around him constantly and then BOOM he likes me all of a sudden. it just doesn't click with me that way.
so i question if this is worth it simply because...will i make it through this? will I be able to handle it? It's not about is he worth it--i definitely think he is. but its about me this time...how much silver medaling can i take before i fall into my dark side again? my resolve is weakining, i hope people realize that...
PS. while we're on this whole "honesty/telling the truth" bullshit, darren i guess i should tell you why i dont go to the gym. it feels like an excuse, but its actually true. i have a bad wrist, ankle and knee; too much activity or strenuous, unusual pushing on any of them make them give out on me and hurt. there are reasons i have braces for them and there are reasons i dont do many things--its because of these "injuries".