really long, don't bother reading...
i am tired of everything that happens to me. i don't know what is wrong with me. some people would say i've got it good. i say that it could be better. i wish i could see my dad more, i wish i had a drive to do good in school, i use to try but then something happened that made me realize that school was/is just a waste of time to make kids learn useless things that will mean nothing to them in a matter of a year. the only thing that is necessary is to go to college and learn what you want to do. i've always said that i want to be a marine biologist, but now i am not so sure. maybe i'm not good enough for that, maybe i'll be nothing better than just a girl working at Chick-Fil-A, or someother resturant like my stepmom. i dont want to live my life behind a desk in an office wearing panty hose and high heeled shoes. i want to do something worth while and make a lot of money so i can give back to my mom and dad what they have given me. i look, to everyone else, like i live comfortably, but my mother just can't say no to what any of her kids ask for. that includes me. i know i should ask for anything but i do and when i do it just gets wasted. my mom doesn't know it but i can see what she pays for my and my sister's cell phone bill and it's alot. it's $335.99 for the three of us. and i told britt that i was going to give her 100 for my phone because she only asked for 50, and britt told me i shouldn't and that i should save as much as possible. but she doesnt get it. my mom can't really afford to pay for that, for the three of us, it's not fair to her. she pays the bills at my house and for everything else, she shouldn't have to pay for that too. and i know i am just rambling on and on about this next topic but i can't help it. if you don't like it don't read it... i want to talk to him, and just see what he has to say, my friend asked me last night if i would go back to him, even if it was just for like 2 days, would i go back. i told her "i don't know" i've been hurt twice and i was lied too for so long, i don't know if i could just trust him again like that. i want to feel what i felt that one night when i was falling asleep in his arms, that night was amazing, being wrapped up in a guys arms just falling asleep. those little things mean more to me than any gift i could want. i am just so tired of being alone and wanting someone that is still wrapped up in their (ex)girlfriends, but the heart wants what the heart can't have. i wish i could have a valentine for once in 18 years, not once have i had a valentine. i remember that valentine's day used to be a big thing at my elementary school, we'd all make boxes and then decorate them all pretty and shit, then on v-day everyone would bring in little cards for everyone and then pass them out. it was the sweetest thing. i miss having those carefree days not worry about what college to go to or who you were going to go out with.... back in the day. we had the best cartoons we had so much fun, especially our playgrounds, now that i look at the ones of today they are so boring, when we were little we had these extravagant things to play on and they were made of everything, and now they just have these plastic things that are no more than 6 feet off the ground. it's soo sad. they tore down all of the old playgrounds and put new ones up... they were too scared of the kids getting hurt, but that was the best part of the playgrounds, you cried a little but then you just went back on having fun. playing games on them with all of your friends, not worring if you were going to fall off or not, just playing. i am so worn out, so tired of worrying about everything that is happening. having my boss accuse me of fucking stealing 10 dollars, as if i'd even take 10 bucks from my drawer... please i'm not that stuipd. i do everything that man asks me to do, i do more than he asks me to do and i never get any appreciation from him. all me and my co-workers get is criticisim... and he says that he complements us on a job well done. i find that hard to believe. i have yet to hear him say anything good other than when we get him more money. it's fuckin ridiculous. i just can't take it anymore. i need to find another job, but i don't want to leave the people i work with, they are the only thing that keeps me there. the only thing. now i have to worry about colleges, my mother wants me to go to FSU and experience the "dorm life" but i want to stay down here and go to FAU. and i think it is so stupid that people jusdge you on a set of numbers, and letters. your entire life is ruled by letters, A,B,C,D, and F. all just letters that when put together can form words and sentences. but if you get the wrong letter you are a failure, and won't get into the college of your choice. and if you don't score high enough on the SAT or the ACT then you also don't get into the college of your choice. so fuckin stupid.another thing that i find to be so stupid is that were a soo consumed by money. a little piece of paper and little metal coins, things that used in everday life are thrown away, you write on paper why not write on a dollar bill? because it can be the difference between the big mack and a cheeseburger? well that's just retarded. our whole society is screwed up. everything in it is based on non-sense. but nothing will change any of it. it will remain the same for years to come. and no one will ever dare to change it because change is bad. everyone hates change. so i must bow out and live with the rest of society and not question what is right and what it wrong, because i may be burned at the stake if i rebel against the world. so now i must go and study for fuckin ACTs to try and get a high number on tomorrow's test... yippe! later.