boyfriend wanted. thorough screening process will be undertaken. apply within.
IMPORTANT CRITERIA FOR MY PERFECT BOYFRIEND
Appearance
- The less body hair, the better. Just because we share 98% of our DNA with primates, doesn’t mean we have to look like them.
- Limited facial piercings, please. Ear, nose and/or lip piercings I can cope with, but anything else is strictly verboten.
- Preferable height of 5’7", but this is negotiable.
- Toned muscles ideal. I’m not asking for Arnold Schwarzenegger, but a bit of definition is nice (think Tobey Maguire in Spider-Man).
- All hair and eye colours considered (eyeliner preferable but not compulsory) - Hair must be long enough to run fingers through, but not longer than ears (a la Hugh Grant)
- Must take pride in appearance - i.e. dress nicely. Absolutely NO tracksuits sportswear (unless at the gym) and few designer labels. Chavs will not be considered.
- Impressive winky a plus. I’m not necessarily talking ‘hung like a horse’, but equally I don’t particularly want an acorn.
Interests
- Me, preferably. Not obsessively so, but romance and affection would be nice.
- Humour is important. Laughter is the best aphrodisiac, so as long as we share tastes in comedy, all will be good.
- Football is OK as long as you don’t harp on about it to me all the time. The minute you try to convert me, I will twist your bollocks with a spanner. The same goes for any type of sport.
- Similar tastes in music are needed. A like, if not love, of Queen is essential. The same goes for the theatre.
- Must be my age or over, preferably by five years or less. I don’t want a toyboy, but I’m not particularly keen on the idea of being the next Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas. I mean, yuck. It’s just wrong on a stick.
- A love of partying is not compulsory, but it helps (note I did not say ‘alcohol’).
Misc.
- A nice singing voice is a must. The pitch or style is irrelevant - as long as you can hold a tune and sound sexy whilst doing so, you’re in my good books.
- Must live within a 30 mile radius or half an hour (or less) away, whichever is closer.
- Must have same, or larger, amount of sexual experience as me (not difficult as I am embarrassingly inexperienced). Just because women don’t need to orgasm for procreation, doesn’t mean we don’t want to orgasm.
- When sex is on the cards, do not rule out experimentation.
- Respect my wishes. Understand that ‘yes’ means ‘yes’ and ‘no’ means ‘no’ - contrary to popular belief, if I say ‘no’ to sex, it means I am not interested in sex. I am not the tease you imagine me to be. If I want sex, I will jump on you.
- Don’t be afraid of telling me what you want. Whether it’s a cup of coffee, going to The Rocky Horror Show dressed up or a weekend of threesomes - if I don’t know what you want, I can’t tell you whether I approve or not (for the record, I prefer tea, I adore The Rocky Horror Show, and threesomes scare me.)
- As I like sleeping on the left side of a double bed, it would help if you prefer right side of the bed.
- Telepathy is useful, but seeing as I want my boyfriend to be humanoid, I’ll settle for a good sense of emotional intuition.
- DO NOT give me flowers of chocolates as presents. Flowers die and make a mess, and I don’t like chocolates - and anyway, they’re very impersonal. Something meaningful and/or home-made is so much nicer.
- Be prepared to put up with moodswings. This happens to every woman at a certain time of month - do not fight it. It is part of nature and reproduction. Resistance is futile.
- Acknowledge me and my achievements, and I’ll do the same.
- Don’t take me for granted. I scratch your back, you scratch mine.
- Non-smokers are a MUST. Smoking is an instant turn-off.
- Good hygiene is imperative. The ‘cave man’ smell died with the Neaderthals.
- Do not be a musical snob. I appreciate that The Spice Girls aren’t exactly known for their musical talent, but if I want to jump around in my bedroom singing ‘Wannabe’, then you have no right to look down on me for it.
- If you want me to take an interest in your hobbies, then take an interest in mine. However, you have to realise that some things are for me-time, so please understand that if I want some time on my own, it’s nothing personal - I just like my own company sometimes.
- Help me with rules. If I don’t know what they are, I can’t stick to them.
- I am indifferent to your social/ethnic background. All I ask is that you are well-educated and well-spoken.
- Don’t go out with me for the sake of it. Want me. Want a relationship with me. I don’t want a trophy boyfriend, and I refuse to be a trophy girlfriend.
- Be prepared to work at the relationship. If I contact you, try your best to contact me back. Don’t leave it for a few days and then suddenly remember that I tried to email/text/phone you (delete as appropriate) - it’s annoying, it’s infuriating, and it’s downright rude.
- Tell me things. Don’t be afraid of showing your emotions and don’t be scared of saying "I love you" eventually (but only say it if you really mean it).
- Be honest with me, whatever happens. The worst thing you can do is lie to me. Please don’t do it.
- Don’t expect me to change for you. You’re going to have to fit most of these criteria before I even consider you as a potential boyfriend. I won’t try and change you, so don’t even think about changing me.
Appearance
- The less body hair, the better. Just because we share 98% of our DNA with primates, doesn’t mean we have to look like them.
- Limited facial piercings, please. Ear, nose and/or lip piercings I can cope with, but anything else is strictly verboten.
- Preferable height of 5’7", but this is negotiable.
- Toned muscles ideal. I’m not asking for Arnold Schwarzenegger, but a bit of definition is nice (think Tobey Maguire in Spider-Man).
- All hair and eye colours considered (eyeliner preferable but not compulsory) - Hair must be long enough to run fingers through, but not longer than ears (a la Hugh Grant)
- Must take pride in appearance - i.e. dress nicely. Absolutely NO tracksuits sportswear (unless at the gym) and few designer labels. Chavs will not be considered.
- Impressive winky a plus. I’m not necessarily talking ‘hung like a horse’, but equally I don’t particularly want an acorn.
Interests
- Me, preferably. Not obsessively so, but romance and affection would be nice.
- Humour is important. Laughter is the best aphrodisiac, so as long as we share tastes in comedy, all will be good.
- Football is OK as long as you don’t harp on about it to me all the time. The minute you try to convert me, I will twist your bollocks with a spanner. The same goes for any type of sport.
- Similar tastes in music are needed. A like, if not love, of Queen is essential. The same goes for the theatre.
- Must be my age or over, preferably by five years or less. I don’t want a toyboy, but I’m not particularly keen on the idea of being the next Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas. I mean, yuck. It’s just wrong on a stick.
- A love of partying is not compulsory, but it helps (note I did not say ‘alcohol’).
Misc.
- A nice singing voice is a must. The pitch or style is irrelevant - as long as you can hold a tune and sound sexy whilst doing so, you’re in my good books.
- Must live within a 30 mile radius or half an hour (or less) away, whichever is closer.
- Must have same, or larger, amount of sexual experience as me (not difficult as I am embarrassingly inexperienced). Just because women don’t need to orgasm for procreation, doesn’t mean we don’t want to orgasm.
- When sex is on the cards, do not rule out experimentation.
- Respect my wishes. Understand that ‘yes’ means ‘yes’ and ‘no’ means ‘no’ - contrary to popular belief, if I say ‘no’ to sex, it means I am not interested in sex. I am not the tease you imagine me to be. If I want sex, I will jump on you.
- Don’t be afraid of telling me what you want. Whether it’s a cup of coffee, going to The Rocky Horror Show dressed up or a weekend of threesomes - if I don’t know what you want, I can’t tell you whether I approve or not (for the record, I prefer tea, I adore The Rocky Horror Show, and threesomes scare me.)
- As I like sleeping on the left side of a double bed, it would help if you prefer right side of the bed.
- Telepathy is useful, but seeing as I want my boyfriend to be humanoid, I’ll settle for a good sense of emotional intuition.
- DO NOT give me flowers of chocolates as presents. Flowers die and make a mess, and I don’t like chocolates - and anyway, they’re very impersonal. Something meaningful and/or home-made is so much nicer.
- Be prepared to put up with moodswings. This happens to every woman at a certain time of month - do not fight it. It is part of nature and reproduction. Resistance is futile.
- Acknowledge me and my achievements, and I’ll do the same.
- Don’t take me for granted. I scratch your back, you scratch mine.
- Non-smokers are a MUST. Smoking is an instant turn-off.
- Good hygiene is imperative. The ‘cave man’ smell died with the Neaderthals.
- Do not be a musical snob. I appreciate that The Spice Girls aren’t exactly known for their musical talent, but if I want to jump around in my bedroom singing ‘Wannabe’, then you have no right to look down on me for it.
- If you want me to take an interest in your hobbies, then take an interest in mine. However, you have to realise that some things are for me-time, so please understand that if I want some time on my own, it’s nothing personal - I just like my own company sometimes.
- Help me with rules. If I don’t know what they are, I can’t stick to them.
- I am indifferent to your social/ethnic background. All I ask is that you are well-educated and well-spoken.
- Don’t go out with me for the sake of it. Want me. Want a relationship with me. I don’t want a trophy boyfriend, and I refuse to be a trophy girlfriend.
- Be prepared to work at the relationship. If I contact you, try your best to contact me back. Don’t leave it for a few days and then suddenly remember that I tried to email/text/phone you (delete as appropriate) - it’s annoying, it’s infuriating, and it’s downright rude.
- Tell me things. Don’t be afraid of showing your emotions and don’t be scared of saying "I love you" eventually (but only say it if you really mean it).
- Be honest with me, whatever happens. The worst thing you can do is lie to me. Please don’t do it.
- Don’t expect me to change for you. You’re going to have to fit most of these criteria before I even consider you as a potential boyfriend. I won’t try and change you, so don’t even think about changing me.