updated boyfriend criteria. enjoy
IMPORTANT CRITERIA FOR MY PERFECT BOYFRIEND
Appearance
- The less body hair, the better. Just because we share 98% of our DNA with primates, doesn’t mean we have to look like them.
- Limited facial piercings, please. Ear, nose and/or lip piercings I can cope with, but anything else is strictly verboten.
- Preferable height of 5’7", but this is negotiable.
- Toned muscles ideal. I’m not asking for Arnold Schwarzenegger, but a bit of definition is nice (think Tobey Maguire in Spider-Man).
- All hair and eye colours considered (eyeliner preferable but not compulsory)
- Hair must be long enough to run fingers through, but not longer than ears (a la Hugh Grant)
- Must take pride in appearance - i.e. dress nicely. Absolutely NO tracksuits or sportswear (unless at the gym) and few designer labels. Chavs will NOT be considered.
- Must look good in jeans. Slouchy jeans. Yum.
- Impressive winky a plus. I’m not necessarily talking ‘hung like a horse’, but equally I don’t particularly want an acorn.
Interests
- Me, preferably. Not obsessively so, but romance and affection would be nice.
- Humour is important. Laughter is the best aphrodisiac, so as long as we share tastes in comedy, all will be good.
- Football is OK as long as you don’t harp on about it to me all the time. The minute you try to convert me, I will twist your bollocks with a spanner. The same goes for any type of sport.
- Similar tastes in music are needed. A like, if not love, of Queen is essential. The same goes for the theatre.
- Must be my age or over, preferably by five years or less. I don’t want a toyboy, but I’m not particularly keen on the idea of being the next Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas. I mean, yuck. It’s just wrong on a stick.
- A love of partying is not compulsory, but it helps (note I did not say ‘alcohol’).
- Be as interested in Keira Knightly and Britney Spears as you like. Just don't remind me every day how hot they are, or leave your pervy photos lying around.
Misc.
- A nice singing voice is a must. The pitch or style is irrelevant - as long as you can hold a tune and sound sexy whilst doing so, you’re in my good books.
- Must live within a 30 mile radius or half an hour (or less) away, whichever is closer.
- Must have same, or larger, amount of sexual experience as me (not difficult as I am embarrassingly inexperienced). Just because women don’t need to orgasm for procreation, doesn’t mean we don’t want to orgasm.
- When sex is on the cards, do not rule out experimentation. However …
- The rectum is a one-way street. Nothing goes in. EVER. You want to try anal sex? Find yourself a gay male. I won't do it. EVER. So don't waste your breath asking.
- Respect my wishes. Understand that ‘yes’ means ‘yes’ and ‘no’ means ‘no’ - contrary to popular belief, if I say ‘no’ to sex, it means I am not interested in sex. I am not the tease you imagine me to be. If I want sex, I will jump on you.
- Please respect and don't be threatened by my friendship with other males. I'm not dating them because I don't want them. I'm with you because I like you. Believe it or not, it IS possible to have a platonic relationship with a member of the opposite sex.
- Girls have different friendships than males. Don't mock me because my girly mate it upset over a guy and I have to rush over with the chocolate and Love, Actually - it's a girl thing and it's quite normal.
- Don’t be afraid of telling me what you want. Whether it’s a cup of coffee, going to The Rocky Horror Show dressed up or a weekend of threesomes - if I don’t know what you want, I can’t tell you whether I approve or not (for the record, I prefer tea, I adore The Rocky Horror Show, and threesomes scare me.)
- You don't have to share or agree with my values, but please respect them.
- Telepathy is useful, but seeing as I want my boyfriend to be humanoid, I’ll settle for a good sense of emotional intuition.
- DO NOT give me flowers of chocolates as presents. Flowers die and make a mess, and I don’t like chocolates - and anyway, they’re very impersonal. Something meaningful and/or home-made is so much nicer.
- Be prepared to put up with moodswings. This happens to every woman at a certain time of month - do not fight it. It is part of nature and reproduction. However, don't automatically fob my behaviour off as “just that time of the month”. You can be wrong sometimes and an apology won't kill you.
- Acknowledge me and my achievements, and I’ll do the same.
- Don’t take me for granted. I scratch your back, you scratch mine.
- Non-smokers are a MUST. Smoking is an instant turn-off.
- Good hygiene is imperative. The ‘cave man’ smell died with the Neaderthals.
- Do not be a musical snob. I appreciate that The Spice Girls aren’t exactly known for their musical talent, but if I want to jump around in my bedroom singing ‘Wannabe’, then you have no right to look down on me for it.
- If you want me to take an interest in your hobbies, then take an interest in mine. However, you have to realise that some things are for me-time, so please understand that if I want some time on my own, it’s nothing personal - I just like my own company sometimes.
- Help me with rules. If I don’t know what they are, I can’t stick to them.
- I am indifferent to your social/ethnic background. All I ask is that you are well-educated and well-spoken.
- Don’t go out with me for the sake of it. Want me. Want a relationship with me. I don’t want a trophy boyfriend, and I refuse to be a trophy girlfriend.
- Be prepared to work at the relationship. If I contact you, try your best to contact me back. Don’t leave it for a few days and then suddenly remember that I tried to email/text/phone you (delete as appropriate) - it’s annoying, it’s infuriating, and it’s downright rude.
- Tell me things. Don’t be afraid of showing your emotions and don’t be scared of saying "I love you" eventually (but only say it if you really mean it).
- Be honest with me, whatever happens. The worst thing you can do is lie to me. Please don’t do it.
- Don’t expect me to change for you. You’re going to have to fit most of these criteria before I even consider you as a potential boyfriend. I won’t try and change you, so don’t even think about changing me.
Appearance
- The less body hair, the better. Just because we share 98% of our DNA with primates, doesn’t mean we have to look like them.
- Limited facial piercings, please. Ear, nose and/or lip piercings I can cope with, but anything else is strictly verboten.
- Preferable height of 5’7", but this is negotiable.
- Toned muscles ideal. I’m not asking for Arnold Schwarzenegger, but a bit of definition is nice (think Tobey Maguire in Spider-Man).
- All hair and eye colours considered (eyeliner preferable but not compulsory)
- Hair must be long enough to run fingers through, but not longer than ears (a la Hugh Grant)
- Must take pride in appearance - i.e. dress nicely. Absolutely NO tracksuits or sportswear (unless at the gym) and few designer labels. Chavs will NOT be considered.
- Must look good in jeans. Slouchy jeans. Yum.
- Impressive winky a plus. I’m not necessarily talking ‘hung like a horse’, but equally I don’t particularly want an acorn.
Interests
- Me, preferably. Not obsessively so, but romance and affection would be nice.
- Humour is important. Laughter is the best aphrodisiac, so as long as we share tastes in comedy, all will be good.
- Football is OK as long as you don’t harp on about it to me all the time. The minute you try to convert me, I will twist your bollocks with a spanner. The same goes for any type of sport.
- Similar tastes in music are needed. A like, if not love, of Queen is essential. The same goes for the theatre.
- Must be my age or over, preferably by five years or less. I don’t want a toyboy, but I’m not particularly keen on the idea of being the next Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas. I mean, yuck. It’s just wrong on a stick.
- A love of partying is not compulsory, but it helps (note I did not say ‘alcohol’).
- Be as interested in Keira Knightly and Britney Spears as you like. Just don't remind me every day how hot they are, or leave your pervy photos lying around.
Misc.
- A nice singing voice is a must. The pitch or style is irrelevant - as long as you can hold a tune and sound sexy whilst doing so, you’re in my good books.
- Must live within a 30 mile radius or half an hour (or less) away, whichever is closer.
- Must have same, or larger, amount of sexual experience as me (not difficult as I am embarrassingly inexperienced). Just because women don’t need to orgasm for procreation, doesn’t mean we don’t want to orgasm.
- When sex is on the cards, do not rule out experimentation. However …
- The rectum is a one-way street. Nothing goes in. EVER. You want to try anal sex? Find yourself a gay male. I won't do it. EVER. So don't waste your breath asking.
- Respect my wishes. Understand that ‘yes’ means ‘yes’ and ‘no’ means ‘no’ - contrary to popular belief, if I say ‘no’ to sex, it means I am not interested in sex. I am not the tease you imagine me to be. If I want sex, I will jump on you.
- Please respect and don't be threatened by my friendship with other males. I'm not dating them because I don't want them. I'm with you because I like you. Believe it or not, it IS possible to have a platonic relationship with a member of the opposite sex.
- Girls have different friendships than males. Don't mock me because my girly mate it upset over a guy and I have to rush over with the chocolate and Love, Actually - it's a girl thing and it's quite normal.
- Don’t be afraid of telling me what you want. Whether it’s a cup of coffee, going to The Rocky Horror Show dressed up or a weekend of threesomes - if I don’t know what you want, I can’t tell you whether I approve or not (for the record, I prefer tea, I adore The Rocky Horror Show, and threesomes scare me.)
- You don't have to share or agree with my values, but please respect them.
- Telepathy is useful, but seeing as I want my boyfriend to be humanoid, I’ll settle for a good sense of emotional intuition.
- DO NOT give me flowers of chocolates as presents. Flowers die and make a mess, and I don’t like chocolates - and anyway, they’re very impersonal. Something meaningful and/or home-made is so much nicer.
- Be prepared to put up with moodswings. This happens to every woman at a certain time of month - do not fight it. It is part of nature and reproduction. However, don't automatically fob my behaviour off as “just that time of the month”. You can be wrong sometimes and an apology won't kill you.
- Acknowledge me and my achievements, and I’ll do the same.
- Don’t take me for granted. I scratch your back, you scratch mine.
- Non-smokers are a MUST. Smoking is an instant turn-off.
- Good hygiene is imperative. The ‘cave man’ smell died with the Neaderthals.
- Do not be a musical snob. I appreciate that The Spice Girls aren’t exactly known for their musical talent, but if I want to jump around in my bedroom singing ‘Wannabe’, then you have no right to look down on me for it.
- If you want me to take an interest in your hobbies, then take an interest in mine. However, you have to realise that some things are for me-time, so please understand that if I want some time on my own, it’s nothing personal - I just like my own company sometimes.
- Help me with rules. If I don’t know what they are, I can’t stick to them.
- I am indifferent to your social/ethnic background. All I ask is that you are well-educated and well-spoken.
- Don’t go out with me for the sake of it. Want me. Want a relationship with me. I don’t want a trophy boyfriend, and I refuse to be a trophy girlfriend.
- Be prepared to work at the relationship. If I contact you, try your best to contact me back. Don’t leave it for a few days and then suddenly remember that I tried to email/text/phone you (delete as appropriate) - it’s annoying, it’s infuriating, and it’s downright rude.
- Tell me things. Don’t be afraid of showing your emotions and don’t be scared of saying "I love you" eventually (but only say it if you really mean it).
- Be honest with me, whatever happens. The worst thing you can do is lie to me. Please don’t do it.
- Don’t expect me to change for you. You’re going to have to fit most of these criteria before I even consider you as a potential boyfriend. I won’t try and change you, so don’t even think about changing me.