Text conversation and a rant
Andrew (10:16 PM): Miss you already...
Me (11:42 PM): Miss you too
Andrew (12: 48 AM):
Me (1:42 AM): Where the fuck are my meds?
Andrew (1:43 AM): Gone. Not taking chances
Me (1:45 AM): If you threw them away, don't come back here.
Andrew (1:50 AM): You're welcome too... they are not thrown away, just hidden.
Me (1:50 AM): Swear to go. I'm going to kill you when you come back I was going to take a Seroquel to go to sleep when I saw what you've done. I fucking hate you right now.
Andrew (1:53 AM): If you need them I'll tell you... I'm trying to help you.
Me (1:57 AM): Whatever, you don't trust me.
Andrew (1:59 AM): You kinda make me worry... you have threatened and shit.
Me (2:01 AM): I'll start taking them again when you come back then.
Andrew (2:11 AM): I'm sorry
Me (2:12 AM) No. I"m the one who is sorry. You don't deserve to be going through this.
Andrew (2:14 AM): I love you... I signed up for this.
Me (2:15 AM): You shouldn't love someone so crazy.
Andrew (2:17 AM): But I do
Me (2:18 AM): Why? You don't deserve to be going through what I put you through and I don't deserve your love when I've treated you so bad.
Andrew (2:21 AM): cause I love you... nerd!
Me (2:21 AM): sigh
Andrew (2:29 AM): LOL
Me (2:30 AM): I can't sleep
Andrew (2:53 AM): Tylenol PM?
Me (2:57 AM): Won't help.
Andrew (2:58 AM): I'm sorry
Me (3:00 AM): I'll live.
Basically, Andrew; my boyfriend, is out of the apartment this weekend. Earlier this week we got the first eviction notice saying that we owe over $1000 on rent. I'm over whelmed by it all and started thinking that since he would be gone this weekend (Friday-Sunday possibly Monday) it would be the perfect time to finally go ahead and kill myself. Well, I have razors, but I also have high doses of Seroquel, Lithium and Celexa that I could take in one swig and end my life. He hid them, as you saw on the conversation and that pissed me off because like I said in the conversations, I wanted to take one Seroquel and a Lithium so I could sleep. Now I'm alive, but it got me; "he hid my meds... BUT NOT THE RAZORS!"
We are talking through text + since he is at a convention for the weekend. Just casual talk though; non of this drama-llama crap I've been saying lately and still hiding deep inside. I haven't cut since yesterday and that cut yesterday happened while he was here at the apartment, taking a shower in our bathroom. He knows I cut yesterday; denied it at first saying that I just banged my knee when really I effed up my knee by cutting a deep gash but then I confessed ON FACEBOOK that I did indeed cut yesterday afternoon. The razor is down, but at ready for if I need to pick it up again.
I know he's probably freaking out as he is over at this convention. Maybe because he could be realizing "shit! I forgot to hide any sharp stuff from Ellie," or "we have such a small apartment, maybe Ellie found her meds." But I'm still alive, right. Up to now nothing has triggered me but if it does, I know what resources I have. Either I'll come here or to any other support group I'm a member of or worse comes to worse, I'll cut again just to relief myself. Hopefully I won't be triggered to the point of cutting.