(no subject)
Today. What a day. I am so exhausted I could cry. So close to finishing a paper but my Internet is too slow to deal with the citations, plus I have to import 18 other citations.
First was rushing to the meeting at UNDP to plan for tomorrow. There was a lot of criticism of NCAIDS, mostly along the lines of "Why isn't NCAIDS making any presentations?" and that the focus solely on HIV was not enough given all the things that trans people in China need. I met Ma Tiecheng, who told me that in 2007 he was telling people that there needed to be research on trans sex workers in China, but that no one wanted to take him up on it, and that there was so little money. This could be something that I could do for my dissertation. It's difficult because I of course am inclined to agree with the NGOs and the activists but I need to understand the realities of politicking and policymaking and how to bridge the gap between activists and the policymakers like my bosses. They asked me why NCAIDS wasn't making a presentation and why we haven't done more. Catherine Sozi (head of UNAIDS in China), Tingting Shen (from Asia Catalyst) and Andrea (UNDP) all reminded the participants that this is an opportunity. I mean, really. I agree that we need to address the comprehensive needs but when you're working with an organization called NCAIDS under the Chinese Centers for Disease Control...there's not much that can be done. Off the record, my boss tried to push for gay marriage but none of the other government officials agreed.
Afterwards, Jonas said that he was really excited and that even if Andrea had told him that he wasn't needed today, he would have said something like, "Too bad, I'm coming anyways!" and remarking how he found one of the trans women attractive and that her "masculine features really worked." I...just wanted to punch him in the face. The whole "too bad I'm coming anyways" line...ugh. While Andrea was the one who put together the agenda and got everyone in the room together and this is really his project, I was the one who reached out first and got UNDP/Asia Catalyst?UNAIDS/etc the entree to getting NCAIDS into the room. This was the result of MY political capital and somehow Jonas' entitlement and excitement just rub me the wrong way. I also just remembered that tomorrow I'll be facilitating a bilingual group discussion on evidence and data to keep things moving on trans women's HIV needs. >.<
Can't deal with Mike anymore. After getting some mild shit from my family for not attending the dinner tonight, especially as I then invited my brother to come out and see me, I am so tired and in need of some loving. My first instinct is to wail to someone. I need someone to baby me. It makes me wonder if I'm too needy. My brother is having a bit of a crisis and specifically asked if he could talk to me alone during this trip and we had a long talk at Budo over iced mochas. Then tomorrow after working all day, I'll have to do dinner with my mom, my old mentor Dr. Guo, my friend Shen Juan and my brother. Then a family picture. Then somehow I'll need to be completely packed on Saturday. I hate everything. I am pissed at my parents for constantly calling and scheduling all these dinners. I feel very unfilial and pissed that people are so snitty. I know this is nothing compared to other people's family dramas...but my mom is calling me ALL THE FUCKING TIME during this trip - so far she's called during a work lunch and then while I needed to rush into UNDP. This is a person who I'd be happy hearing from once a month, max, by the way.
Anyways, back to Mike. I am very over him. And Shayan. I love Shayan, and I always will, but I can't be that close to him. I am pissed that he takes Mike's side. Like why doesn't he ever fucking tell Mike, You better treat Willa like a goddess. Instead he tells me that I should pay attention to Mike. Mike also wrote me an email saying that he thought I was more attractive than Jasmine, who is this amazing activist, which pissed me the fuck off. I told him he needed to recognize that all women of color are goddesses. But today, I needed so much and he couldn't give me much. I need so much.
First was rushing to the meeting at UNDP to plan for tomorrow. There was a lot of criticism of NCAIDS, mostly along the lines of "Why isn't NCAIDS making any presentations?" and that the focus solely on HIV was not enough given all the things that trans people in China need. I met Ma Tiecheng, who told me that in 2007 he was telling people that there needed to be research on trans sex workers in China, but that no one wanted to take him up on it, and that there was so little money. This could be something that I could do for my dissertation. It's difficult because I of course am inclined to agree with the NGOs and the activists but I need to understand the realities of politicking and policymaking and how to bridge the gap between activists and the policymakers like my bosses. They asked me why NCAIDS wasn't making a presentation and why we haven't done more. Catherine Sozi (head of UNAIDS in China), Tingting Shen (from Asia Catalyst) and Andrea (UNDP) all reminded the participants that this is an opportunity. I mean, really. I agree that we need to address the comprehensive needs but when you're working with an organization called NCAIDS under the Chinese Centers for Disease Control...there's not much that can be done. Off the record, my boss tried to push for gay marriage but none of the other government officials agreed.
Afterwards, Jonas said that he was really excited and that even if Andrea had told him that he wasn't needed today, he would have said something like, "Too bad, I'm coming anyways!" and remarking how he found one of the trans women attractive and that her "masculine features really worked." I...just wanted to punch him in the face. The whole "too bad I'm coming anyways" line...ugh. While Andrea was the one who put together the agenda and got everyone in the room together and this is really his project, I was the one who reached out first and got UNDP/Asia Catalyst?UNAIDS/etc the entree to getting NCAIDS into the room. This was the result of MY political capital and somehow Jonas' entitlement and excitement just rub me the wrong way. I also just remembered that tomorrow I'll be facilitating a bilingual group discussion on evidence and data to keep things moving on trans women's HIV needs. >.<
Can't deal with Mike anymore. After getting some mild shit from my family for not attending the dinner tonight, especially as I then invited my brother to come out and see me, I am so tired and in need of some loving. My first instinct is to wail to someone. I need someone to baby me. It makes me wonder if I'm too needy. My brother is having a bit of a crisis and specifically asked if he could talk to me alone during this trip and we had a long talk at Budo over iced mochas. Then tomorrow after working all day, I'll have to do dinner with my mom, my old mentor Dr. Guo, my friend Shen Juan and my brother. Then a family picture. Then somehow I'll need to be completely packed on Saturday. I hate everything. I am pissed at my parents for constantly calling and scheduling all these dinners. I feel very unfilial and pissed that people are so snitty. I know this is nothing compared to other people's family dramas...but my mom is calling me ALL THE FUCKING TIME during this trip - so far she's called during a work lunch and then while I needed to rush into UNDP. This is a person who I'd be happy hearing from once a month, max, by the way.
Anyways, back to Mike. I am very over him. And Shayan. I love Shayan, and I always will, but I can't be that close to him. I am pissed that he takes Mike's side. Like why doesn't he ever fucking tell Mike, You better treat Willa like a goddess. Instead he tells me that I should pay attention to Mike. Mike also wrote me an email saying that he thought I was more attractive than Jasmine, who is this amazing activist, which pissed me the fuck off. I told him he needed to recognize that all women of color are goddesses. But today, I needed so much and he couldn't give me much. I need so much.