Empathic Android
This morning I woke up a little earlier than needed so I didn't have to jump out of bed. First thing I did was check to see if the update on the smartphone had worked and consequently the third try posting about the D.R.I show.
It had not. I was a little frustrated. I'd put a bit of time into what I wrote accompanying the pics and video and figured I'd lost that draft too. So I turned the phone off and on and prepared for yet another rewrite. But when I opened Instagram again, it said it was posting. So weird.
When I saw that it actually went through, the thought came to me that although I'm not as metal as I used to be, Thrash metal remains very important in my life. So I decided to make mention of it on my profile, adding "Thrash-til-death" at the beginning and then reading it all together. My mind then focused on the recent addition of being non-binary.
As mentioned in a prior entry, like Ruby Rose I acknowledge that I was born into a female body but don't feel like a female. More like gender fluid, I guess? Still trying to get a grip on all the terms new to me. I hated having a female body for a long time, struggled with it for various reasons. I resented it, in fact. And it took awhile for me to find the archetypes I needed to even begin accepting this role.
Now I've come to terms with my body and the ensuing connotations, mostly through the love of my giant rack, the affection of my partner and the aforementioned archetypes. I've learned a lot, including empathy for the circumstances females deal with. I've had times when I've felt female, some horrifying, some annoying and some of them empowering. However, to this day, it is still not something I truly identify with.
To be perfectly honest, I have a difficult time identifying as human. I didn't just struggle with having a female body, I struggled with having a body at all. Again, for various reasons.
This morning, as I was putting off getting out of bed, I started thinking about how I grew up with Star Trek and predominately Next Generation. The characters I most identified with were Data (an android) and Deanna (A half human with empathic/psychic abilities). Despite always having a gaggle of friends, there has always been this sense of being an outsider. As I grew, it turned into the sense that I'm here to study people - mostly their various cultures and behaviors. And what's the best way to study? Immersion. And study I did. In college I ate up psychology and anthropology and their applications. I am Data in Deanna's body.
Yes, these are the reflections that came to mind as I woke. I could tell the t.v was on in the living room, though nothing was recognizable over the sound of the heater and my air cleaner with my door shut. My room is at an angle where the t.v in the living room is the first thing I see when I open the door. When I got up and opened the door, the first thing I saw was Data, remarking on Spock rejecting his human half and thus rejecting everything Data himself was striving for.
Now some might argue that I faintly heard a voice and I only recognized it subconsciously. I won't rule it out as a possibility, but I really don't believe that is the case.
Good morning!