Where Do We Go From Here?
Strange and difficult to navigate, this ground I find myself on. I am reintegrating into my old life as it is disintegrating, with my old self hot on its heels - some core portion remains, but I am not the same person I was at the beginning of the year.
It's difficult to believe that I've been back for a little over a week. So much has been crammed into that short period of time, making it seem much longer than it has actually been. Yet I've been feeling extremely overwhelmed. Many factors, including my asthma kicking up big time since September - breathing is kind of essential. Part of it is that I'm not working, another part of it is that I haven't gotten through half of the things on my To Do List.
But I guess that's glass half empty, since conversely I've almost accomplished half of the things on my To Do List. Additionally, though I do need to be careful with what I have left, I'm not flat broke. And though they aren't rolling in dough, my parents are generous people.
It's just a matter of finding trust. It's perfectly possible and I am perfectly capable of making this new direction work and gaining what I need. Some other supplementation may be required, but it can be a still focus of mine to house and pet sit.
This is such a weird space for me, being without work. It was different in Canada. But returning to my roots, I feel the need to be working again. I started working for my money when I was twelve, and since then I haven't gone more than a few months without a job - and that was in high school. I like having my own money and feeling responsible for myself.
Been chasing independence for awhile, though I guess independence is subjective if not an illusion altogether - we are here to work together right? Just degrees...finding a balance between independence and interdependence.
Speaking of finding that balance, my parents are getting serious about moving now. Talking to a realtor, looking at a specific city, saying early next year. Which means I have four, maybe five months to figure out what I'm going to do for a place to stay. Do I couch hop around here in the chaos long enough to make more money to back to Canada? Should I follow my parents East and hope that area will provide enough for me to return to The Great White North for an extended period?
What happens when I tire of hopping around and want a set place to lay my weary head? Should I be planning to eventually move to British Columbia? And if so, have I correctly interpreted the bureaucracy of the path to that end?
Subjects producing anxiety aside, there has been some relief from uncertainty through the people who love me and vice versa.
One such instance was attending the wedding of one of my favorite friends. We don't talk much and we see each other even less since I moved out of the Redwoods. Yet it remains one of those friendships where we pick up right where we left off, no matter what. And so, I'm very happy for him and his success in love:
I also got to chat with Mama, as well as some other friends:
Another instance of happy grounding was returning to my last place of employment where I saw an old friend, an acquaintance, and my boss turned family friend. It was great to see them and the store. I retrieved some of my cds and got an awesome new Lemur stuffed animal too:
https://instagram.com/p/B3aqhWeBz8t
My friend and I took Polly Roma, as I've dubbed her, on an outing. It was such a fun and beautiful day:
https://instagram.com/p/B3cg1OfB_uU
Yes, I'm well aware that I do not need another stuffed animal. But my love for Lemurs has always been great. My love the Black and White Ruffed Lemur in particular has grown exponentially since learning that they are the largest pollinators. I simply could not resist.
The time with family has been a big help:
It did my soul good to see the ocean again. There is nothing like that comforting roar in my ears. The tide was out when we arrived, allowing us to climb up on the Alligator Rock. This was surreal for me, scaling the rock and sitting in the same spot that I had during the drum journey that took place on the Autumnal Equinox. (As seen in the third picture below) I half expected the ocean to suck up into my eyeballs as it had then.
https://instagram.com/p/B3SPCVNhGbd
I was happy to see the Redwoods too, my favorite giants:
https://instagram.com/p/B3X4ggQhkhJ
Got some dates lined up to spend time with friends and see concerts, which will be wonderful - especially D.R.I. So yeah, I just gotta keep my eye on my goals, taking small but steady steps. Gotta navigate my short time horizon and try to be patient, so I can enjoy the process and everything in between. So I can stop fitfully fretting over a future I can't yet see.
Today I finished building my web page, so I can start spreading the word about my desire to house and pet sit. That has done quite a bit to lighten my mood, one step closer to getting back to work. Still anxious about a lot of things, but slowly working through it and taking lots of CBD.
P.S Recently discovered Samantha Fish and I'm hella digging on her. It would be sweet to see her playing in a bar on an episode of Supernatural - right before things explode into creature chaos battle of course.