(no subject)

[littlestsoldier]

As per Chizu-nee’s request, I am essaying about her and Raphael. Somehow this essay just kept expanding though. So for those of you who have been following Michael’s fail, but still are confused or missed some things, this essay is for you too.

Michael’s sexuality and relationships and whatnot have developed over an almost three year period now. There is a lot to talk about in this essay then. I will try to briefly touch on a bunch of different areas as well as events and such that have occurred since he’s been in camp and before camp. However, I will be brief because there is a lot to go through. If there are any questions or what not, feel free to ask and I will happily expand.

God and angels and love:
I feel it important to start off with this because Michael has evolved a lot since he came to camp. This is partially because camp is a more nurturing environment for this sort of growth. As an angel, Michael isn’t supposed to feel love for anyone but God. It’s basically law in Heaven that angels should love no other but God. They aren’t supposed to feel romantic love for God of course, but then again, they aren’t supposed to feel romantic love period. A lot of lower ranking angels don’t even have a gender, but for the ones who do, falling in love leads to the possibility of having sex which is even more dangerous. Like camp, sex is banned in Heaven. Sure, that doesn’t stop a lot of angels (Hi Raphael), but that’s how it is. Basically having affairs and the like can lead to getting in trouble, and getting in trouble in Heaven means getting visibly branded with a mark that signifies the crime and becoming a social outcast. Any children produced by angels are hunted down and killed as well. So suffice to say that Heaven isn’t exactly the most nurturing environment for a young angel. Hence, part of the reason for Michael’s initial stupidity and stunted emotions. As I said, I wanted to start off with this because it will help explain partially why Mika has changed so much and explored and all that. Other pre-camp factors that stunted him like his brother and Bal will also be explained in this essay, so sit back and enjoy the ride.

Mika got hormones how again:
When he first came to camp, Michael didn’t have a single hormone to his name. All he cared about was fighting, starting fires, and more fighting. It probably didn’t help that before camp the only people he talked to were the tough, and equally fight-obsessed members of his army. And the only person Michael considered a friend was Raphael (and possibly Khamael). Before camp he was very juvenile about anything having to do with sex and always commented negatively about Raphael’s sexual conquests. To him anything having to do with sex or sexuality he would call “perverted” and talk about it as if it wasn’t normal to do those sorts of things. In conclusion, Michael might as well have been a second grader who was afraid of cooties. And then he came to camp. In camp Michael was forced to interact with a larger variety of people. What this in turn meant was that he was confronted about his juvenile views and forced to accept that possibly people other than Raphael and perverts considered sex and sexuality to be normal and acceptable. That didn’t mean he was about to run out and have sex though, but at least he was starting to believe that maybe it wasn’t as weird or bad as he might have believed it was. And then this larger variety of people that he was forced to interact with led inevitably to him having friends other than Raphael. Michael at first was trying to refuse the idea that he had made friends, but eventually came to accept that too. Since Michael had never really had friends, and certainly wasn’t used to people liking and listening to him, he started to get comfortable and open up a little more. This also meant that he was experiencing more ~fond feelings~. Since Michael had never really had friends, and sure as hell had never had a lover, he wasn’t exactly an expert at understanding his feelings and emotions (Michael had always been very closed and had always locked up or pushed away those sorts of things). Basically this means that people who he was friends with he became comfortable with and beginning to experience new feelings for which he couldn’t identify. Mistletoe and toppy people happened, and Michael found that he may actually enjoy physically attention from people he likes. And so a hormone and curiosity were born.

Friends with benefits, funny feelings, and experimentation:
AKA the section about how Michael explored sexuality and all that like the teenage boy that he is.
One of those toppy people mentioned above included Axel, who has always been a good friend to Michael. For a short while there was an attraction, which they both eventually came to realize was just friendship. But thanks to Axel’s toppy nature, Michael came to realize he could be attracted to people.
And then Devit and Michael were and are just friends who just happen to be really similar. Devit, when he first came to camp, was a lot like Michael when he first came to camp too. So Michael somewhat wanted to help him out with his curiosity and the like. Michael has always felt really comfortable with Devit because they are really similar, and because he is a very physical person by nature (fighting or draping), it wasn’t that weird to him.
In these cases, these were the people Michael most considered friends and since he was still curious and exploring attraction and the like, it was a very natural course to be physical with them for a period. Michael was very new and curious with all this, much like the perpetual teenager that he is. What with his emotional stunting, puberty had to come sooner or later and it finally happened at summer camp. Thanks to triggers like mistletoe, fight sexuality, and having new friends who didn’t believe that “Mika doesn’t go there”. LEARNING EXPERIENCES LOLOLO.

Michael’s sexuality:
In the beginning, when Michael was but a wee fail angel, he had a big old crush on his nanny. And then that had a very bad end. Thanks to that and his brother’s betrayal, Michael’s personality took a major change. Because of these things he came to be very bitter and wanted nothing to do with love or attraction or trust or any of that stuff. Suffice to say, he was NOOOOOT interested in sexuality at all. And then camp happened, as explained above. To say Michael is gay would not exactly be correct, even though he believes himself to be. Most of the people he is attracted to are men, but that is because of his distrust of women. It is very hard for a women to make Michael trust her. The only women who have really managed that are Ogiue, Chizu-nee and Sara. He was attracted to his female nanny Bal and he is attracted to Chizu-nee; its not that he can’t be attracted to women, because he can. At the end of it all, he’s attracted to people, not genders. It just so happens he has a huge thing against one gender, so he doesn’t get close enough to women to be attracted to them.

Mika and women:
Bal:
Michael feels very bitter and angry towards women. He doesn’t trust them and acts much harsher towards them. This has to do with what happened between him and his nanny Bal when he was a wee angel. Michael was very used to people preferring his twin brother Lucifel over him. Lucifel was God and everyone else’s favorite. Because his brother “shined so brightly” and all that, Michael was often forgotten or pushed away in favor of his brother. People always compared him to his brother and talked about Michael behind his back. They all believed he wasn’t as good as his brother in looks, talent, power, intelligence, charisma, etc. The only person who listened to him and preferred him over his brother was their nanny. He trusted Bal completely and confided in her. She was extremely important to him and he thought that he was equally important to her. And then, when his brother rose up with Hell against Heaven, Michael felt totally betrayed. To make matters worse, right when Michael went to deliver the killing blow and stop his brother, Bal ran between them. It turned out that all along she had been very much in love with Lucifer. The betrayal of his brother, and then the betrayal of the one person he thought cared for him, was too much; Michael went crazy.
Chizu-nee:
As stated above, because of his incident with Bal, Michael came to distrust women to the extreme. Whenever Michael meets a woman, there is already the intention to dislike, distrust and treat her poorly. So when Michael was dragging Ticky’s burnt corpse through camp after a fight and Chizu-nee slapped him for injuring her roommate, more fuel was added to the fire. He didn’t just dislike this woman, he HATED her. How dare she slap him? Especially when she knew nothing about Ticky and his relationship? He was furious and would have killed her on the spot if he could. But then slowly he got over the anger, he still didn’t like her, but he didn’t hate her anymore. And then she stuck around and he began to not really have an opinion either way about her. Finally, somehow, he came to consider her a friend, although he would never admit it to her face. And now, he has a bit of a crush on her. If it weren’t for Chizu-nee’s persistence and patience with him then he‘d probably still hate her actually. While Chizu-nee does have a strong resemblance to Bal, she is not a replacement for her. Chizu-nee also differs from Bal in a few very important ways. For one, Chizu-nee isn’t afraid to put Michael in his place. Chizu-nee is a toppy woman who knows how to handle Michael. Michael cares about Chizu-nee because she listens to him, cooks for him, is patient with him, isn’t scared of him, doesn’t pander to him, is badass in her own right and is playful in a similar way to how Michael is. The key to getting along with Michael is listening to him and having patience with him. Michael misses having someone to talk to like he talked to Bal. Chizu-nee he can pretty much tell anything to, although she hasn’t reached the same level of comfort as he had with Bal, she’s as high up there as Michael gets. He feels bad about bugging Rabi and co with his problems, but he knows that Chizu-nee doesn’t mind and actually believes it. And then there’s the whole “married” thing. Michael pretty much sees it as a joke and doesn’t take it too seriously. He was the one that initially suggested getting their rings off, but he wasn’t as weirded out by the idea of being with her as he thought he’d be. A recent discovery is that Shigure approves of Chizu-nee more than Raphael as a love interest for Mika, which made him think :\ And so, thanks to a long period of time and a lot of development in their relationship/how he feels about her, these two will be going on an official date this week (Michael's first, even).

Michael and attraction:
Michael is attracted to people who listen to him. He likes strong people and people who have a good sense of humor and are playful with him. He can also be attracted to people who can put up a good actual fight, however that is pretty hard to give him. Cooking is also a plus. While he is more often attracted to men than he is to women, it is, like I said, due to past drama mama trauma. He can be attracted to women. However though, more often than not, it is also that it is mostly men who have the type of qualities he finds attractive. He doesn’t really notice whether people are good-looking or not until he has been attracted to their personality. He can decide if he thinks someone is good looking or not if someone asks him and makes him actively pay attention. He doesn’t generally pay attention though. Looks comes second to personality. Looks-wise he doesn’t really have a type, but he tends to prefer cool or sexy looking people to cute or pretty ones. He doesn’t really have much of a kink (he’s not an ass or leg or eye man specifically). He does like to play with peoples’ hair a lot though (thanks Raphael :\).

Michael and sex:
Michael is a six thousand year old virgin. Sex was never something he was interested in or had time for. He was always busy with his job and there was never anyone he really wanted to do it with, considering the only person he cared about was Raphael, and at the time he only though of him as a friend. It didn’t matter to him that angels weren’t supposed to have sex or that God was the only one he was supposed to love, since he never obeyed rules anyways. Even after discovering hormones, it took a while for him to actually think about it on his own and it took even longer for him to be interested in it. Nowadays he goes through cycles of not caring and wanting to do it. Most of the time he really doesn’t care though, and since the no-sex rule is in place, this is probably for the best. He also realizes that sex complicates things even more, so he’s actually pretty thankful for the no-sex rule. Even though it can be pretty frustrating ~in the heat of the moment~. Michael isn’t an idiot, he knows basically how sex goes (Tab A Slot B woooo), and like most things in life, he’ll probably charge straight into it once he does decide to and can do it. He’ll probably dominate even though he’ll be the more inexperienced one. Michael likes being in control. Also, for the record, his neck is his weak spot. He’s a bit of an exhibitionist and tends to leave hickeys and other markings. These two things have to do with his possessive nature.

Mika on love:
Before camp, Michael didn’t believe in love at all. He thought it was a crock and something that only fools believed in. Before the Bal incident, he believed in it, but after the dual betrayal that occurred at that time by the two people he loved most, that idea died for him. However, being in camp and talking to a larger variety of people and slowly developing and accepting feelings again like those of friendship and brotherhood and whatnot, he eventually came to feel love too. Brotherly love, love of friends, and romantic love. He dislikes the word love and doesn’t really use it at all. Even if he loves you, he’s not going to go around using that word. He is also aware of the difference between “love” and “in love”. So while he doesn’t admit to whether or not he loves his handful of important people, even to himself, he can feel those strong feelings of affection that most people would call love. Michael also realizes he’s emotionally stunted and fucked up six ways from Sunday. He knows he isn’t cut out for relationships and that he also doesn’t really understand love. He has come to understand the difference between ”love” and “in love” through his experimentations and a lot of thinking though. HE IS GETTING A CLUE.

Brother!!!11!1
In canon and in camp, the most important things not to mention to Michael (if you don’t want him to blow up at you) are his height and his brother. Michael and Lucifel were twins, but unfortunately for Michael, Lucifel didn’t really give two shits about him. Michael came to really desire Lucifel’s attention . However, that attention that he wanted was something he would never get from Lucifel, who cared about no one except eventually Alexiel. When Lucifel fell and became Lucifer, leading a war against Heaven, Michael’s admiration and view of him were totally crushed. Lucifer went from the brightest star in Heaven, to the greatest traitor they had ever known. Michael didn’t care so much that Lucifer had betrayed and abandoned Heaven as much as he felt his brother had betrayed and abandoned him. This ties in with Michael’s aversion to getting close and his crazy jealousy over the people he does come to care about.

His jealousy issues:
Michael is extremely protective and possessive of the ones he cares about. Considering how hard it is to get to that spot, its no wonder that the ones he loves, he loves to the extreme. Michael is very distrusting and fearful of others; he doesn’t want to get hurt. He isn’t used to being liked at all. Being twins with Lucifel meant that everyone was constantly comparing the two and he was constantly seen as the lesser brother. Others would whisper about how short he was, and how he wasn’t as handsome as Lucifel, nor as powerful etc. And even when he thought he had finally found someone who preferred him over his brother, that person (Bal) abandoned him in the end. It turned out all along that the one person he thought liked him more than his brother was actually in love with that brother. Basically, Michael is obsessed with the idea that everybody always ends up choosing someone else (someone not him). So whenever he sees someone else getting close to his important people, that fear of being abandoned flares up and comes out in the form of jealous towards the new person whom he sees as a “threat”. This is essentially one of the main reasons Michael and Raphael fail so hard as a couple.

And finally, what you’ve all probably been waiting for…

Mika and Raph, the mini series:
The Beginning:
Michael and Raphael met after Raphael’s run in with Belial. At the time, people were gossiping quite a bit about the incident and because of it, Raphael was pretty isolated. Then Michael came crashing into his life literally and proved himself to be someone who didn’t give two shits about the rumors. They got along because they were both outcasts and both balanced the other out personality wise. Basically, they were just what each other needed at that moment. This meeting turned into a long-lasting friendship. During this time, Raphael was the only person Michael would call a friend. Raphael then proved himself when Michael snapped after the battle against his brother. Michael went insane and no one else was able to get close to him and talk him back to his senses, except for Raphael. Michael and Raphael, although they always act like dicks towards each other, are always there for each other when it matters. And ultimately, during this time, they pretty much only truly gave two shits about each other. When they came to camp, they actually began to make friends outside of each other and began to sincerely care about other people as well. This scared the both of them because they were both A) possessive of each other and B) scared of change. Michael came to question how important Raphael was in comparison to his other, new friends and what exactly it was Raphael meant to him. Michael had also been in camp without Raphael for quite some time and had realized during this period just how much he misses Raphael when he was gone. Thanks to mistletoe and friends pushing, he came to realize that maybe, just maybe, he felt more than friendship for Raphael. After Michael topped and pushed despite Raphael’s hesitance and own fears about certain effects, they got together. Michael and Raphael inevitably go through cycles in their relationship. Because they are so different, they never last long together before they fight and break up. There are a number of problems with them as a couple that are just not going to change. Michael and Raphael aren’t fighting the entire time they are together, because if they were, they wouldn’t bother keep getting back together. However, the good times seem to lessen in frequency as time goes on and more and more obstacles appear. And yet, despite the fact that they both realize that maybe they shouldn’t get back together, they really do feel so strongly about each other that it happens again anyways. When Michael and Raphael are good together, they ‘re really good. A thousand and thousand year long friendship is indicative of the strength of their feelings for each other.
The Problems:
Problem #1: Raphael is a huge playboy. Raphael is always falling in love with people, making out with people, etc. He likes to flirt and he doesn’t like to be tied down. Problem #2: Michael is an extremely jealous person. We visited the jealous issue above. But the jealous issue in combination with the fact Raphael is a playboy is perhaps the biggest problem. Michael wants a one on one thing, and Raphael can’t give that to him. Problem #3: Raphael is emotionally manipulative. Raphael has done a lot of things that have messed with Michael’s head. Telling him he didn’t care about him anymore as well as the whole using Michael as an excuse to fight Ticky are two of the first things that come to mind. Problem #4: Michael has a temper. Rather than being able to calmly sit and talk things out, things inevitably blow up and nothing gets dealt with properly. Michael and Raphael can’t talk things out like adults because they both have terrible tempers, but Michael’s is the worse of the two. It doesn’t help that Mika isn’t good with dealing with the anger even after a fight and will hold onto a grudge. His inability to let things go causes a lot of problems. Problem #5: They both have a ton of emotional problems and hang ups. Both Michael and Raphael have huge issues when it comes to love, sex, etc. Two unhealthy people don’t make a healthy couple. Problem #6: Neither one of them is willing to budge. With neither of them willing to change or give an inch, they can’t fix their problems or come to a compromise that will allow them to be able to function as a couple.
The Current Situation:
Michael and Raphael have gotten into a lot of fights lately, and haven’t had time to heal in between them. Every time they talk together anymore, it somehow gets onto the topic of their train wreck relationship and the conversation quickly turns into a fight. What has happened most recently of note is that Raphael has started official dating and is in love with Raikou. This was a huge slap in Michael’s face considering that he had to work so hard to get Raphael to agree to date him, but here Raphael for the first time in his life has initiated belonging to someone by himself. Not to mention the fact that Raphael isn’t/wasn’t in love with Michael. Raphael constantly tells Michael he loves him and that Michael is his most important person, but refuses to say he loves him “as a friend” or “like a brother”. Michael doesn’t’ understand how Raphael can love him and consider him his most important person not as a friend or brother, but not be in love with him. Michael hates being confused, and when Michael is confused, he gets angry. Michael has been trying really hard to make things work, but is just plain tired right now. He’s tried to even just make their friendship right again, but even that isn’t working out. Due to massive hang-ups on both sides, things just are NOT working right now in any way shape or form. Now this is usually the point where Michael smacks sense into Raphael (literally), but every time Michael has tried that in the recent past hasn’t worked out like it used to. Because of how complicated things have become, Raphael no longer turns to Michael for someone to tell his problems to. Michael realizes that Raikou and Raphael can only end badly. Even if Raikou and Raphael went home together to the same world, Raikou is human and would die soon and it would crush Raphael. Not to mention he just doesn’t thinking Raikou is right for Raphael, all bias aside. However, since trying to tell this to Raphael would only end poorly for Michael, he’s not going to try. He can’t get through to Raphael anymore like he used to able to, and Raphael won’t listen, not to mention Raphael will just think Michael is saying this out of self interest. So, Michael will just stay out of it all together. See, after admitting to Raphael and himself that he isn’t happy right now, Michael has become a little disgusted at himself and what has become of him. He can’t believe that he’s become so pathetic and let himself get so messed up. Michael has decided to just take a break; He’s not going to try anymore. He’s just going to do what makes him happy, behave how makes him happy, and stop worrying about how everyone in his life thinks of him. This isn’t to say that he doesn’t care about anyone any less, or that he doesn’t love Raphael anymore, it just means he’s going to go with the flow of things and see where it all goes. He can’t take the self imposed stress anymore. He’s just going to avoid the drama and enjoy himself as he used to do.
The Future:
Like I said, Michael does still love Raphael, but Michael also has a lot of pride. And while he does know that Raphael says he’s first in his heart, he can’t help feeling like he’s taken a back seat to Raikou. So with his jealous and proud nature, he doesn’t feel like waiting around until Raphael falls out of love with Raikou. Michael is really unsure of a lot of things right now, but that can’t be helped because Raphael is still figuring out a lot of things himself. And since Raphael is a big part of his life, Michael can’t figure out his life until Raphael figures out his own. But, also as I said, Michael isn’t worrying about that right now. He’s living in the present and won’t worry about after camp for now.

And now, a handy dandy flow chart missing a ton of stuff, but better than nothing:
Mika comes to camp--Mika makes friends--Mika discovers hormones thanks to Axel and Ticky--Raph comes to camp--Ticky dewings Mika--Raphael finds out about Ticky and Mika’s fucked up friendship and the fact Ticky kisses Mika sometimes--Raphael disapproves of Mika having hormones--Mika and Raph get mistletoe’d and deaged and friends push Mika to consider that maybe he thinks of Raph as more than a friend--Mika and Raph are jealous of each other having other important people--Raph gets the gay from Cain and Rue--Bodyswitch with each other and more kissing--Raph still doesn’t approve of Mika changing and getting hromones--Make a bet with each other that neither can go a week without physical contact--Both lose--Anon confessions--Raph and Mika hook up--Raph and Mika break up--More anon confessions--Raph and Mika get back together --Sara shows up--Raph is interested in Sara and Rue--Mika’s jealousy starts rearing its head--Raph falls for Axel--More breaking up and getting back together--Raphael tells Devit to “go for Mika”--Mika hooks up with Devit to spite Raph--Mika breaks rules with Devit--Raph breaks rules with Citrine--More arguing and fail on both sides--Mika's friends don't think him and Raph are good together--Raph offers to try monogamy and Mika turns it down--Raph says he feels nothing for Mika anymore--Mika is a bitch to everyone Raph knows--Raph falls in love with Raikou--Mika feels strongly for Shika and Chizu-nee--Mika and Raph fail at being just friends--Mika and Raph agree not to touch each other anymore--Raph and Raikou start dating--Mika decides to focus on his happiness outside of relationships...This is missing so much it is not even funny. I will come back and fill it out more at some point when less tired.

So class, what did we learn? Michael fucking sucks at this stuff, but he’s learning!

I would have expanded more on everything but this essay is already almost 5,000 words long and I’m tired. Feel free to ask though, as I said, and I will expand. I love questions, ASK THEM. Next essay will probably be about Rabi and Shigure AKA Camp Family.