(no subject)
Dear friends,
Be far warned, a lot of reading will occur if you so choose to continue, and I cannot assure your enjoyment.
Much love,
Jessie
Where to start? I have not given a real update in a long time, so I figured now was as good a time as any due to the fact that those little wheels in my head have been turning non-stop. The mice were after the cheese up there I suppose. These past few weeks you could see steam coming out of my ears, I promise. Hmm, so much to say I guess, but I am having trouble saying it. That's a first now isn't it? Things may be kind of out of order, but I am writing them as I remember them, so here goes nothing...
Work. I started off loving my job. I mean I was/am making great money. Everyone was uber nice and respectful, at first. Well, I have noticed that people want to try to take advantage and walk all over me due to the face that I am 19 years old. I am young, but I do just as good a job, if not a better job then half the people there. Not to sound conceited or anything, but I do. I work my ass off. This isn't like the theatre where you can get away with slacking. I have never slacked on this job, I mean I am the one running around asking for things to do when i have finished my stuff. I am quick at the job. Even my GM has told me that I am doing a better job then the lady who I am filling in for this summer. I have not only been offered to come back next summer, but to work when I come in for breaks. Which they never ask the summer help to do since, all of the regular employees will be back. So that means I am doing really goos. So what's the problem, you ask? Now, people are taking advantage of me working fast by overloading me with way more than i can handle, projects I have not been trained on, expecting me to figure them out myself, and when I don't know what to, I am scolded for it. I have been so overworked that I got really sick a few days before going to the beach. It's starting to be just as stressful as school. Not to mention as soon as school ended i did this, even before school ended I was driving back and forth from Roanoke and Radford for training, and as soon as this ends, back to school it is for me. I do nothing but work these days, just ask the friends I never see because of it.
Which leads me to the next topic, my friends. I barely see anyone anymore. One of my really good friends is moving to Florida and I don't ever get to see her because of work mainly. I have seen one of my best friends since kindegarden maybe 5 times all sumer long. It seems she has a new life now, and is moving on from old things. I rarely get to see my other two best friends because of our work schedules. One of my best friends, Kellie from Radford, isn't coming back to Radford, and that sucks so bad. Not to mention, I have talked to her like twice all summer. She lives in New Jersey so its not like I am going to get to go visit often if at all becase of school and work. One of my best friends, also one of my suitemates Melissa is not coming back to Radford next year. It is almost like I am going to have to start all over again in that whole meeting new people and making new friends thing, and that is really hard for me to being with, and you are supposed to get all of that over with freshman year, but I have to start all over again it seems. I am just glad that one of my other really good friends and roomate for next year is still going to be there because we get along really well. I also hate that I haven't really talked to many people from Radford, there were a lot of people that I got close with but don't ever have to time to call them, and that really sucks. I mean a lot of them have sent me cards and stuff and I just haven't had time to respond. I am really not trying to be cold by any means. I just have been extremely busy. And when I do have a little free time, I like to have some down time for myself too. A lot of people don't understand that I need me time, or I get really cranky and I hate that, because I don't see anyone because of that this summer.
School is almost here and I am really excited about that because at least I will get to see people I think. I just need something to do, even though I am taking some pretty difficult classes next semester that i know that i am going to be tied down quite a bit. I am still worried about that whole major thing. Because I need to decide really fast what I want to do. I know that I want to write, but I have my dad and everyone else breathing down my back about not succeeding because it is a very competitive industry, and it is. And, that scares me, to death. Also, everything is going by soooooo fast, and I am not sure if I am ready for the “real world.” Failing and going into debt and disappointing people are some of my biggest fears and I hate when I disappoint someone, expecially my dad, even though it seems like I do that quite often. I am just afraid that I will not make it on any of the Media programs at school, which will entail me not making it in the real world.
You know, I have talked to a couple of people from school this summer, well not really. But, they have seen some of my pictures and journal entries and such and have told me that “I have changed and not necessarily for the better.” I have changed a lot this summer, but just because I take semi-revealing pictures of myself does not mean that I am a whore or that I am some satanic person. The pictures that I have recently taken were attempts at me trying to get more comfortable with my appearance, which it isn’t really working. I am still struggling with my weight issue. Still eating healthily, and trying to excersise whenever I get a chance, which isn’t as often as I would like. Well, I would actually like to be at the gym every day if I could. My acne is getting worse for some damn reason, I am going to need computer/reading glasses now (back to being little miss four eyes), and I made need braces again. I never feel like I am good enough or pretty enough. I lack self confidence majorly, it’s a fault of mine I know, but I have been trying for 19 years now to overcome it and it is still hard to this day. So either bare with me or don’t read my journal, because that is really the only place that I voice it. I just don’t feel like “me” anymore. I feel much uglier, maybe then I really am, but I do. And, it is not like I am making myself sick on purpose or not eating to change that. I mean sometimes I guess just thinking about nor feeling pretty makes me not want to eat, but it has never gotten to the point that it has been dangerous to my health, I just don’t like how I am, and have tried and am trying really hard to change it, but it isn’t working to my benefit.
I need to start to go to church again. I just don’t feel comfortable or welcomed at my old church, and when I try to explain why people just don’t understand and I’m sorry but I am just not happy there. I don’t pray anymore. I do if I have a reason, something that I want God to take care of, but that’s it. I don’t thank him for just letting me being here and living this life anymore. I don’t read my Bible. To be honest I haven’t even unpacked it from school yet. That is horrible I know, and I need to change it. And I am going to start to because there is no excuse for it, at all. I feel really horrible. That’s like when people ask you if you know where you will go when you die, I don’t. And I know that once you are saved and baptized, no matter how much you mess up, you will go to Heaven, but sometimes I feel like I just mess up too much, way too much. Sometimes I wonder why God would want me? I know that I need to get over that and straighten up and start having quiet times again and getting closer to him, and not because I have to but because I WANT TO.
On to another topic, my boyfriend. It was two months for us yesterday. I think that is the longest that I have dated someone, straight on. I mean I have dated people off and on for several months but not for that long straight through. My sister knows how much I care for him, but deep down she thinks that I am going to end up hurting him. An I am really afraid that she might be right. I mean, she knows how independent of a person that I am and that I get bored really easily. And that is true. Like I was gone all weekend from Friday until yesterday because I was at the beach, and I didn’t get to talk to anyone because I was roaming and because of my signal. And, I have missed talking to him, but at the same time, that space was nice, just because I needed time to think about with everything that I had been dealing with, not him necessarily, but everything else, and not talking to anyone was a nice way to do that. I ended up working through lunch today because I am really backed up with work now because of my trip and I checked my voicemail when I got home this afternoon and he left me a kind of pissy message about how I haven’t answered my phone in forever and that basically it’s getting old and it was just in a pretty mean tone, and I have to say I felt pretty shitty after hearing it, which of course, you all know me and my stubbornness, made me not want to call him back. But I have cooled off and calmed down now I guess. It just seems like things are starting to get kind of rocky. Which scares me because I am so afraid of hurting him and being hurt even though I see him not hurting me. I am really afraid that I will be the cause of the end of this relationship if that happens. Another thing is it seems like our relationship is, not only, but heavily focused on physicality, not sex, just physicality. And all of my relationships have been about that, and I really don’t want this one to be about that, mainly because of the feeling. And the distance makes it so hard. Really hard. We have told each other that we love each other. He is the only guy that I have dated that I have ever told that I love them. And, I mean it with all my heart. But, I wonder if I am in love, I think that I am, but I know so many people that have thought they were and been hurt, and I just don’t know because I have nothing it to compare it to, and I think about things way too much, so I should probably just let my heart tell me what it wants and believe it. With the reckless driving ticket that I got, and court the 13th of the month, I am pretty sure that I am not going to get to go to D.C. at all this summer. A lot has to do with my dad, he would never let me drive to D.C. in the first place, much less now that I got that ticket. And during school, I doubt that I will really get to just pick up and drive up there whenever I want, not to mention the traffic scares the hell out of me, I mean just being in Va. Beach traffic this weekend freaked me the hell out. I am not saying that I think he should have to drive down here all of the time, that is the last thing I am trying to say, because he should not have to do that, and I wouldn’t want him to, because I know it is just as hard for him. I just worry that things will end on a bad note.
Another thing, I have really cut back my drinking. I think that is a good thing for me. Because of my drinking, a lot of drama happened at school last year. And caused me to lose a pretty good friend of mine, and look like an ass in front of other people that I was just meeting. I still drink, but I handle myself A LOT better and have changed in a lot of ways with that. And I just don’t really feel the desire to get drunk anymore really. I like to socially drink with friends that’s fine and party occasionally. I guess that is all just part of the maturing. And you know if I do go out and get drunk, it’s okay, because I have learned my limits and how to control myself.
So this past weekend I went to the beach. It was okay I guess. I went with my dad, that should be enough said. I look like a lobster now. It hurts bad, and I have blisters, ewww I know. Things went well at the beginning with me and my dad but of course on the Fourth, he went off on me just because he asked me what I wanted to do that morning and I said whatever you want to do dad, and he yells, damnit this is your fucking vacation god damnit, and a whole bunch of oher cuss words that just slurred together into one big arrogant, asshole mess. So that was the highlight of the trip, oh boy. Fireworks over the ocean is one of the most exciting and breathtaking things I have ever seen. I went to a omedy Club. Gay comediens who are almost 40 rock my socks off. He was HILARIOUS. Even my dad laughed so hard that he cried. Great fun. I bought Corona pants, love ‘em. Got me a Va. Beach trucker hat. Just call me Ashton Kutcher. Watched my dad deep sea fish with squid. One word: groooooooooossssssssss. Listened to this awesome band that did cover songs named “Butter” and got a t-shirt. Check
Em out ButterRocks.com. Great stuff. They even did The Killers. Hoorah for that.
My dad and I have had our spills. Mainly because I am being treated like I am 12 again because of that damn speeding ticket. We have had some big arguments. A lot has to do with him constantly telling me that I am fat or not pretty enough or why can’t you look like this person or your sister is losing weight why aren’t you? It frustrates the hell out of me, but as easy as everyone might think since it’s what they keep telling me, I can’t tune him out, it truly hurts every time he says something like that.
My mom’s birthday was the 28th of June. The anniversary of her death is August 8th. It hurts that I somewhat forget these dates and just forget to think about her. I hate that. Everyone says it’s natural, but it’s not she’s my mom. And I miss her tons. And I hate that my aunt and grandma are trying to set my dad up on dates, yeah he is only 48 but I don’t like the idea of him dating, it’s not like he was divorced, he and my mom were still married when she died and it’s not fair damnit. My sister already said she would never be okay with it and I know that I should be accepting but I can’t because it hurts just thinking about it. And maybe it’s wrong and inconsiderate to my dad, but I am sorry. I am just not ready to deal with that.
My niece turns 2 tomorrow. She is growing so fast, and I feel like I am missing out on it. Especially when I am at school. It sucks. She doesn’t even like to come to me anymore. And you don’t understand how much that hurts expecially when you helped raise her.
So I was suppose that is all, I have been typing all day at work and I am my fingers are ready to fall off. If you read all of that, props to you.
P.S. "Punk Goes 80's" rocks my world, totally. I love you Rashad for introducing me to it!!
Be far warned, a lot of reading will occur if you so choose to continue, and I cannot assure your enjoyment.
Much love,
Jessie
Where to start? I have not given a real update in a long time, so I figured now was as good a time as any due to the fact that those little wheels in my head have been turning non-stop. The mice were after the cheese up there I suppose. These past few weeks you could see steam coming out of my ears, I promise. Hmm, so much to say I guess, but I am having trouble saying it. That's a first now isn't it? Things may be kind of out of order, but I am writing them as I remember them, so here goes nothing...
Work. I started off loving my job. I mean I was/am making great money. Everyone was uber nice and respectful, at first. Well, I have noticed that people want to try to take advantage and walk all over me due to the face that I am 19 years old. I am young, but I do just as good a job, if not a better job then half the people there. Not to sound conceited or anything, but I do. I work my ass off. This isn't like the theatre where you can get away with slacking. I have never slacked on this job, I mean I am the one running around asking for things to do when i have finished my stuff. I am quick at the job. Even my GM has told me that I am doing a better job then the lady who I am filling in for this summer. I have not only been offered to come back next summer, but to work when I come in for breaks. Which they never ask the summer help to do since, all of the regular employees will be back. So that means I am doing really goos. So what's the problem, you ask? Now, people are taking advantage of me working fast by overloading me with way more than i can handle, projects I have not been trained on, expecting me to figure them out myself, and when I don't know what to, I am scolded for it. I have been so overworked that I got really sick a few days before going to the beach. It's starting to be just as stressful as school. Not to mention as soon as school ended i did this, even before school ended I was driving back and forth from Roanoke and Radford for training, and as soon as this ends, back to school it is for me. I do nothing but work these days, just ask the friends I never see because of it.
Which leads me to the next topic, my friends. I barely see anyone anymore. One of my really good friends is moving to Florida and I don't ever get to see her because of work mainly. I have seen one of my best friends since kindegarden maybe 5 times all sumer long. It seems she has a new life now, and is moving on from old things. I rarely get to see my other two best friends because of our work schedules. One of my best friends, Kellie from Radford, isn't coming back to Radford, and that sucks so bad. Not to mention, I have talked to her like twice all summer. She lives in New Jersey so its not like I am going to get to go visit often if at all becase of school and work. One of my best friends, also one of my suitemates Melissa is not coming back to Radford next year. It is almost like I am going to have to start all over again in that whole meeting new people and making new friends thing, and that is really hard for me to being with, and you are supposed to get all of that over with freshman year, but I have to start all over again it seems. I am just glad that one of my other really good friends and roomate for next year is still going to be there because we get along really well. I also hate that I haven't really talked to many people from Radford, there were a lot of people that I got close with but don't ever have to time to call them, and that really sucks. I mean a lot of them have sent me cards and stuff and I just haven't had time to respond. I am really not trying to be cold by any means. I just have been extremely busy. And when I do have a little free time, I like to have some down time for myself too. A lot of people don't understand that I need me time, or I get really cranky and I hate that, because I don't see anyone because of that this summer.
School is almost here and I am really excited about that because at least I will get to see people I think. I just need something to do, even though I am taking some pretty difficult classes next semester that i know that i am going to be tied down quite a bit. I am still worried about that whole major thing. Because I need to decide really fast what I want to do. I know that I want to write, but I have my dad and everyone else breathing down my back about not succeeding because it is a very competitive industry, and it is. And, that scares me, to death. Also, everything is going by soooooo fast, and I am not sure if I am ready for the “real world.” Failing and going into debt and disappointing people are some of my biggest fears and I hate when I disappoint someone, expecially my dad, even though it seems like I do that quite often. I am just afraid that I will not make it on any of the Media programs at school, which will entail me not making it in the real world.
You know, I have talked to a couple of people from school this summer, well not really. But, they have seen some of my pictures and journal entries and such and have told me that “I have changed and not necessarily for the better.” I have changed a lot this summer, but just because I take semi-revealing pictures of myself does not mean that I am a whore or that I am some satanic person. The pictures that I have recently taken were attempts at me trying to get more comfortable with my appearance, which it isn’t really working. I am still struggling with my weight issue. Still eating healthily, and trying to excersise whenever I get a chance, which isn’t as often as I would like. Well, I would actually like to be at the gym every day if I could. My acne is getting worse for some damn reason, I am going to need computer/reading glasses now (back to being little miss four eyes), and I made need braces again. I never feel like I am good enough or pretty enough. I lack self confidence majorly, it’s a fault of mine I know, but I have been trying for 19 years now to overcome it and it is still hard to this day. So either bare with me or don’t read my journal, because that is really the only place that I voice it. I just don’t feel like “me” anymore. I feel much uglier, maybe then I really am, but I do. And, it is not like I am making myself sick on purpose or not eating to change that. I mean sometimes I guess just thinking about nor feeling pretty makes me not want to eat, but it has never gotten to the point that it has been dangerous to my health, I just don’t like how I am, and have tried and am trying really hard to change it, but it isn’t working to my benefit.
I need to start to go to church again. I just don’t feel comfortable or welcomed at my old church, and when I try to explain why people just don’t understand and I’m sorry but I am just not happy there. I don’t pray anymore. I do if I have a reason, something that I want God to take care of, but that’s it. I don’t thank him for just letting me being here and living this life anymore. I don’t read my Bible. To be honest I haven’t even unpacked it from school yet. That is horrible I know, and I need to change it. And I am going to start to because there is no excuse for it, at all. I feel really horrible. That’s like when people ask you if you know where you will go when you die, I don’t. And I know that once you are saved and baptized, no matter how much you mess up, you will go to Heaven, but sometimes I feel like I just mess up too much, way too much. Sometimes I wonder why God would want me? I know that I need to get over that and straighten up and start having quiet times again and getting closer to him, and not because I have to but because I WANT TO.
On to another topic, my boyfriend. It was two months for us yesterday. I think that is the longest that I have dated someone, straight on. I mean I have dated people off and on for several months but not for that long straight through. My sister knows how much I care for him, but deep down she thinks that I am going to end up hurting him. An I am really afraid that she might be right. I mean, she knows how independent of a person that I am and that I get bored really easily. And that is true. Like I was gone all weekend from Friday until yesterday because I was at the beach, and I didn’t get to talk to anyone because I was roaming and because of my signal. And, I have missed talking to him, but at the same time, that space was nice, just because I needed time to think about with everything that I had been dealing with, not him necessarily, but everything else, and not talking to anyone was a nice way to do that. I ended up working through lunch today because I am really backed up with work now because of my trip and I checked my voicemail when I got home this afternoon and he left me a kind of pissy message about how I haven’t answered my phone in forever and that basically it’s getting old and it was just in a pretty mean tone, and I have to say I felt pretty shitty after hearing it, which of course, you all know me and my stubbornness, made me not want to call him back. But I have cooled off and calmed down now I guess. It just seems like things are starting to get kind of rocky. Which scares me because I am so afraid of hurting him and being hurt even though I see him not hurting me. I am really afraid that I will be the cause of the end of this relationship if that happens. Another thing is it seems like our relationship is, not only, but heavily focused on physicality, not sex, just physicality. And all of my relationships have been about that, and I really don’t want this one to be about that, mainly because of the feeling. And the distance makes it so hard. Really hard. We have told each other that we love each other. He is the only guy that I have dated that I have ever told that I love them. And, I mean it with all my heart. But, I wonder if I am in love, I think that I am, but I know so many people that have thought they were and been hurt, and I just don’t know because I have nothing it to compare it to, and I think about things way too much, so I should probably just let my heart tell me what it wants and believe it. With the reckless driving ticket that I got, and court the 13th of the month, I am pretty sure that I am not going to get to go to D.C. at all this summer. A lot has to do with my dad, he would never let me drive to D.C. in the first place, much less now that I got that ticket. And during school, I doubt that I will really get to just pick up and drive up there whenever I want, not to mention the traffic scares the hell out of me, I mean just being in Va. Beach traffic this weekend freaked me the hell out. I am not saying that I think he should have to drive down here all of the time, that is the last thing I am trying to say, because he should not have to do that, and I wouldn’t want him to, because I know it is just as hard for him. I just worry that things will end on a bad note.
Another thing, I have really cut back my drinking. I think that is a good thing for me. Because of my drinking, a lot of drama happened at school last year. And caused me to lose a pretty good friend of mine, and look like an ass in front of other people that I was just meeting. I still drink, but I handle myself A LOT better and have changed in a lot of ways with that. And I just don’t really feel the desire to get drunk anymore really. I like to socially drink with friends that’s fine and party occasionally. I guess that is all just part of the maturing. And you know if I do go out and get drunk, it’s okay, because I have learned my limits and how to control myself.
So this past weekend I went to the beach. It was okay I guess. I went with my dad, that should be enough said. I look like a lobster now. It hurts bad, and I have blisters, ewww I know. Things went well at the beginning with me and my dad but of course on the Fourth, he went off on me just because he asked me what I wanted to do that morning and I said whatever you want to do dad, and he yells, damnit this is your fucking vacation god damnit, and a whole bunch of oher cuss words that just slurred together into one big arrogant, asshole mess. So that was the highlight of the trip, oh boy. Fireworks over the ocean is one of the most exciting and breathtaking things I have ever seen. I went to a omedy Club. Gay comediens who are almost 40 rock my socks off. He was HILARIOUS. Even my dad laughed so hard that he cried. Great fun. I bought Corona pants, love ‘em. Got me a Va. Beach trucker hat. Just call me Ashton Kutcher. Watched my dad deep sea fish with squid. One word: groooooooooossssssssss. Listened to this awesome band that did cover songs named “Butter” and got a t-shirt. Check
Em out ButterRocks.com. Great stuff. They even did The Killers. Hoorah for that.
My dad and I have had our spills. Mainly because I am being treated like I am 12 again because of that damn speeding ticket. We have had some big arguments. A lot has to do with him constantly telling me that I am fat or not pretty enough or why can’t you look like this person or your sister is losing weight why aren’t you? It frustrates the hell out of me, but as easy as everyone might think since it’s what they keep telling me, I can’t tune him out, it truly hurts every time he says something like that.
My mom’s birthday was the 28th of June. The anniversary of her death is August 8th. It hurts that I somewhat forget these dates and just forget to think about her. I hate that. Everyone says it’s natural, but it’s not she’s my mom. And I miss her tons. And I hate that my aunt and grandma are trying to set my dad up on dates, yeah he is only 48 but I don’t like the idea of him dating, it’s not like he was divorced, he and my mom were still married when she died and it’s not fair damnit. My sister already said she would never be okay with it and I know that I should be accepting but I can’t because it hurts just thinking about it. And maybe it’s wrong and inconsiderate to my dad, but I am sorry. I am just not ready to deal with that.
My niece turns 2 tomorrow. She is growing so fast, and I feel like I am missing out on it. Especially when I am at school. It sucks. She doesn’t even like to come to me anymore. And you don’t understand how much that hurts expecially when you helped raise her.
So I was suppose that is all, I have been typing all day at work and I am my fingers are ready to fall off. If you read all of that, props to you.
P.S. "Punk Goes 80's" rocks my world, totally. I love you Rashad for introducing me to it!!