You were always in love with the impossible
That's one of my favorite lines from the show I'm working on "Flee This Place", an innovative mash-up of Medea and Antigone. I am part of the Greek Chorus (there are two of us). The show takes place in a metaphorical layer of hell where these Greek characters reside in their tragedies. One of the chorus members is an "American Psycho"-esque man who fantasizes about electrocution and the other a girl in pigtails (me), a wrist cutter who is terrified of the space she's found herself in. It's a brutal new work with lots of fantastic local talent. After we strike, I have two weeks and then I do Temple's Christmas show. Then *fingers crosses* hopefully Dearly Departed and/or Oklahoma! and/or South Pacific. It's been a healthy theatre season for me so far. Hopefully that can continue.
The pink elephant in the room is i was supposed to be a bride today. This is the dress I wanted to save up to buy. The colors were red and gold (with some brown). a mural of La Scala would be painted (or printed) on the wall. The first song would have been "You Send Me" by Sam Cooke. Everybody would go home with a masquerade mask as their favor. It would have been glorious, sophisticated and beautiful. And it would have been miserable.
Instead, I am here in my rustic Carrboro home with a little ball of fur named Baxter (who is pure pitbull and pure adorableness) and a boyfriend who happily falls asleep at midnight. I am the night owl, him the early bird, but we manage okay. He's terrible at budgeting and I don't work as much as I should, but we get by, just like every twenty something finds a way.
More on Baxter...he is 2 months old and very much the rambunctious puppy. We're pretty sure he's pure pit-bull. I have never raised or owned any type of dog. I am in over my head. I've barely been home due to rehearsals and I guess I'm spoiled because Boomer is so well-behaved. You can't keep anything on the floor because he'll chew it. And he still hasn't figured out that he needs to go outside to poo. I've never picked up so much dog shit in my life. Thankfully, he doesn't whine too much and sleeps in his kennel at night. In the morning we take him out and then he snuggles in the bed between us. He won't go back to bed unless he's cuddling up against us on our bed. (Braden has been threatening to build a "mega-bed" so all 4 of us can sleep together. Um, yeah don't get me started haha). He's one spoiled pup. He frustrates the hell out of me, but I am growing attached to him.
We had some of the best sex we've ever had last night and then had our first big fight. In that order. It's really mostly my fault, with my insecurities about being an adult and responsible and living on my own and having enough money to pay for everything and wanting to live comfortably and act and sing and blah blah blah. I've had a lot of worries and anxiety and depression and paranoia recently. The fact is we just haven't had any time to spend together between his work and my work and rehearsal. It's really distressing to come home and he's passed out. It's like "another wasted day without Braden". I finally the other day was like "we have to breakfast together or else I'm gonna go insane"
He didn't pay the rent on time (and didn't tell me) and in a week full of paranoia and the fact that I've been seeing boxes of electronics come in the mail all the time was a major red flag. And I just lost in. I found myself feeling totally out-of-control, seeing images of us in financial mediocrity in 5 years. him telling me not to be disappointed if we just end up average. All this stuff...that I, the "narcissist actress" find frightening.
So basically because Braden is so sarcastic about everything I have pretty much been not wanting to initiate a lot of things. He makes fun of me and the things I like...every tv show I watch is a joke to him. It's really stupid. We really can't talk about any of my interests and it's been grating on me. More just because he has nothing to say rather then lack of disinterest.
So I'm gonna try not be so afraid of...boring him? Overwhelming him with my love of the arts and fine dining? Geez I guess I'm a little stupid.
We agreed that if I chose to go to school in NYC or Chicago, he would follow me. Positive. He's gonna have his IT career. He's gonna build me a house someday.
It was a stupid fight. We're still fantastically in love. We embraced happily and fell asleep in each others arms. Woke up to him kissing me goodbye on his way to work. He came back during his break though and we watched The Office, the one where Pam and Jim get married. And we laughed. Together.
Happy fucking parallel universe wedding day.
The pink elephant in the room is i was supposed to be a bride today. This is the dress I wanted to save up to buy. The colors were red and gold (with some brown). a mural of La Scala would be painted (or printed) on the wall. The first song would have been "You Send Me" by Sam Cooke. Everybody would go home with a masquerade mask as their favor. It would have been glorious, sophisticated and beautiful. And it would have been miserable.
Instead, I am here in my rustic Carrboro home with a little ball of fur named Baxter (who is pure pitbull and pure adorableness) and a boyfriend who happily falls asleep at midnight. I am the night owl, him the early bird, but we manage okay. He's terrible at budgeting and I don't work as much as I should, but we get by, just like every twenty something finds a way.
More on Baxter...he is 2 months old and very much the rambunctious puppy. We're pretty sure he's pure pit-bull. I have never raised or owned any type of dog. I am in over my head. I've barely been home due to rehearsals and I guess I'm spoiled because Boomer is so well-behaved. You can't keep anything on the floor because he'll chew it. And he still hasn't figured out that he needs to go outside to poo. I've never picked up so much dog shit in my life. Thankfully, he doesn't whine too much and sleeps in his kennel at night. In the morning we take him out and then he snuggles in the bed between us. He won't go back to bed unless he's cuddling up against us on our bed. (Braden has been threatening to build a "mega-bed" so all 4 of us can sleep together. Um, yeah don't get me started haha). He's one spoiled pup. He frustrates the hell out of me, but I am growing attached to him.
We had some of the best sex we've ever had last night and then had our first big fight. In that order. It's really mostly my fault, with my insecurities about being an adult and responsible and living on my own and having enough money to pay for everything and wanting to live comfortably and act and sing and blah blah blah. I've had a lot of worries and anxiety and depression and paranoia recently. The fact is we just haven't had any time to spend together between his work and my work and rehearsal. It's really distressing to come home and he's passed out. It's like "another wasted day without Braden". I finally the other day was like "we have to breakfast together or else I'm gonna go insane"
He didn't pay the rent on time (and didn't tell me) and in a week full of paranoia and the fact that I've been seeing boxes of electronics come in the mail all the time was a major red flag. And I just lost in. I found myself feeling totally out-of-control, seeing images of us in financial mediocrity in 5 years. him telling me not to be disappointed if we just end up average. All this stuff...that I, the "narcissist actress" find frightening.
So basically because Braden is so sarcastic about everything I have pretty much been not wanting to initiate a lot of things. He makes fun of me and the things I like...every tv show I watch is a joke to him. It's really stupid. We really can't talk about any of my interests and it's been grating on me. More just because he has nothing to say rather then lack of disinterest.
So I'm gonna try not be so afraid of...boring him? Overwhelming him with my love of the arts and fine dining? Geez I guess I'm a little stupid.
We agreed that if I chose to go to school in NYC or Chicago, he would follow me. Positive. He's gonna have his IT career. He's gonna build me a house someday.
It was a stupid fight. We're still fantastically in love. We embraced happily and fell asleep in each others arms. Woke up to him kissing me goodbye on his way to work. He came back during his break though and we watched The Office, the one where Pam and Jim get married. And we laughed. Together.
Happy fucking parallel universe wedding day.