About NCIS 10x23 - "Double Blind"
Brace yourselves. Tough one to watch. Tough one to rewatch. Even tougher to process... and damn near impossible to write down, so I ended up using close to 6,000 words. This goddamn show. *sobs*
Okay, confession time: originally, I wanted to skip the whole case thingie in this review completely because seriously? Why the fuck was it even in there? I mean, yeah, it was a somewhat original plot, and it would have worked really well for me as an early-season standalone ep, but with this particular episode? It was goddamn unnecessary distraction, that's what it was!
So, imagine my surprise when, upon the third viewing of the episode, it suddenly clicked that there was an actual parallel to the team storyline in there after all. Two, to be exact -- one, the bear who gets poked and then snaps because all he wants to do is protect his best friend, and two, the experiment in itself, the constant surveillance, the invasion of privacy, the study of how individuals behave when they are under constant scrutiny... what do you want to bet that this is something our team will have to deal with now...? (Actually -- on fourth viewing, I'm willing to add a third parallel, of things being not quite what they seem and the bad guys maybe not being all that bad after all. Which reminds me of Bodnar and his call about Kazmi and all the open ends there...)
I still think the title of the episode is interesting and promises more, story-wise: a "double blind study" is a study in which neither the test subjects nor the conductors of the experiment know which participants are the actual test subjects and which are the control group. A third party holds that information, to rule out bias and/or manipulation of the experiment's results. And yeah, in this episode, they sure as hell got prodded and poked like mad. Do we know yet who the actual test subjects were and who were just the control group? (No, I don't have an answer to that, by the way. It just feels like a good thing to throw out there and let you folks ponder about it for a while because it seems like there's more in this.) Then again -- maybe we can't make sense of it yet because we just don't have the info of the third party yet...? *wink wink* *nudge nudge*
Official Ziva/Camaro appreciation moment:
And yeah, Tony appreciates as well, methinks...
Tony: Where's the Mini?
Ziva: Thought it was time to make a change, you know. Put the past behind.
Tony: Ah, well, that's gonna be harder than just buying a new car, you know.
Ziva: Yes, I noticed.
That was actually the first time during this episode where my jaw hit the floor, because his statement and her easy reply... that's not something that could have happened even at the beginning of this season. That is Ziva -- Ziva, of all people! -- openly and easily admitting that she isn't right as rain yet. That the past is hard on her and she has trouble letting go. She just says it, like the fact that it is, and she doesn't even try to hide it from him. She's never done this so easily -- just stating things, without a fight, without a struggle. She never willingly presented herself as a regular, vulnerable human being. And yeah, the goddamn fact that they can have this kind of talk these days, without either of them flinching or stuttering or beating around the bush -- it boggles my mind. They've never done that before. Not like that.
Ziva: I'm sorry, Tony, I know you wanted the car, but I just didn't think it was a good idea to sell it to you.
Tony: Why not?
Ziva: Because I really liked my Mini.
Tony: Me too!
Ziva: And I didn't want anything to happen to it.
Tony: What are you saying?
McGee: She's saying you're a car killer.
So, I've seen the interpretation of this scene float around that the car is actually a metaphor for her heart, which she felt squeamish about handing over to Tony because she didn't want him to crash it, too, and yeah, I kind of agree with that -- buuuuut I arrived at this conclusion from the opposite end, so to speak, and after wading through a metaphor that goes so deep it boggles my mind. Because it's not just Ziva's car that stands for her heart... Tony's crashed cars are a part of the same analogy. Because each one of them symbolizes one of the three more serious relationships he was in so far.
The first one, the Corvette? Perfect symbol for the snazzy, shiny, seemingly perfect relationship he had with Wendy, which was so classically neat that he wanted to put a ring on it to be "safely married". Crashed and burned... and maybe we can even stretch it far enough to include the fact that it was stolen, because remember that Wendy married someone else and made a kid with him not too long after leaving Tony...? Second one, the Mustang -- duh. That's scarily easy: blown up by La Grenouille, just like his relationship with Jeanne. And the last one -- the less snazzy, but comfy, reasonable classic he didn't bitch about all that much when he lost this one... yep, sounds a lot like his relationship with EJ, right?
Now, each of these relationships got wrecked... but, much like his car crashes, the relationship crashes were not his fault, because he's not a heartcar killer. Still, much like from his insurance company... he gets the blame for these as well.
So, the really interesting thing here is for me -- what car will he get now? Because yeah, goddammit, that one will symbolize his relationship with Ziva! Personal wish list item: I'd love it a lot, although it's unlikely to happen, if she gave him the Camaro, not just because she'd, essentially, give him her heart (if we stick to the analogy) but because it feels a lot more like "his" car anyway than one that fits her. Heck, she's even wearing shades these days I'd expect to see on him!
Silly little side note: now, having this analogy firmly in mind and knowing about the whole Adam thing... I confess, I always end up cackling like a madwoman whenever Gibbs says, "Your new ride, Ziver?" (Yep, sometimes I am indeed prepubescent. ^_^ ) Vaguely related: see above quote that Ziva knows full well that putting the past behind her isn't as easy as shagging a yummy guygetting a new car. That's one reason why she hasn't told anyone about this. She knows it didn't mean anything beyond a superficial illusion of comfort, so why stir the sharks when it most likely won't happen again anyway?
Amusing side note: the "culinary specialist" running gag killed me. ^_^
I liked the idea of Parsons looking so... harmless at first glance. Like the poor office idiot who doesn't get out much and whom you can't take seriously. Like how they built that up, that was actually a pretty neat writing job. I mean, starting with the 007 combination on his briefcase and his silly idiot routine in the car, and then, with Abby... his pleasant mask slips, just a little at first, when he criticizes her work and we end up thinking, wait... he's not that simple, right? And then, later... boy, he just turns into a shark. O_o
Shallow interlude time:
*mutters* Goddamn smokin' hot bastards, all of you!
Side note: what the fuck is going on with Abby? Last week, she yelled at that insurance lady, now she offers to "fist-fight him in the head"... I'm sorry, but what? Is there a reason for this behavior? Because if there isn't, this feels completely out of character for someone who can't even stand the thought of "blood diamonds" in her lab...
Side note, part 2: the last murder victim they had on the slab coincidentally ate the same bratwurst that our memory-impaired friend smelled while he was signing his waver? Seriously...? I think that's taking the willing suspension of disbelief just a liiittle too far, guys. =_=
I love the interrogation scene with Ziva so fiercely, you guys, I don't have the words. I love how Ziva goes into this so relaxed. LOVE the fact that Tony snoops... but not because he's nosy, this time, but because he's concerned. Love how he wants to back out when she calls him childish, how he realizes this is a violation of privacy... but then stops dead in his tracks when she calls out the conference room bluff and he realizes there's more going on and just like that his protective instincts kick in once more.
One of my favorite shots from this episode:
Ziva: Are you trying to make me uncomfortable, for some reason?
Parsons: Are you uncomfortable, for some reason?
She looks pretty damn relaxed to me... so far... (Side note: While I'm editing the screenshots for this, I'm suddenly fascinated by the placement of his briefcase here, because it's pretty much obstructing the view. Which, combined with the later remark about counting the cards and what's left in his deck, makes for an oddly well-rounded metaphor: right now, we can't see his hand. We don't know yet if he's bluffing or not.)
Also, can we just talk about Ziva's voice when she says "I have nothing to hide"? And later, with the "Over, ten seconds ago."? I mean, seriously! Her voice was just something else, several times during this episode, guh... *drools*
Okay, on a less shallow note... man, this scene hurt. Not the interrogation fight, but the moment Tony storms into that room and declares the interview over... holy crap. Oh yeah, that angry man does things for me... *whimpers*
That look on her face when she realizes he watched them. He knows. The way her eyes suddenly flicker all over the place because yeah, quite obviously she's uncomfortable now. The way she flinches and looks to the side when Parsons tells her to "keep the photo of your boyfriend"...
And, finally, the way they just stand beside each other, not looking at one another... this is the moment that really kills me each time I watch this scene. The moment where mommy and daddy have a fight and they're trying not to let it show. :(
That stiffness, that tension, the worst expression of alienation ever. Something big just happened between them... something really bad. He's tense and angry, and she's... I think 'ashamed' actually works best here, if you look at her body language and the way she can suddenly no longer meet his eyes. She really doesn't want to go there. She didn't want him to know, but now there's nothing she can do about it -- except run away, for now. And god, Tony, he's so, so disappointed... :(
And from that suckerpunch we go directly to the scene in the burned down warehouse, which perfectly symbolizes the current situation between them -- the debris of carefully built trust...
Ziva: I went to Israel to bury my father. It was a moment of weakness. I felt... alone.
Tony's face just kills me in this scene. It... you just see the pain in his eyes and the bitter twist of his mouth. That look just rips my heart out, every single fucking time, and jesus, I just want to hug the boy to make it all better. *rocks back and forth* *sucks thumb*
That said -- once again I am floored by Ziva's honesty. That is the first time where she doesn't brush off a question like that, doesn't evade it, doesn't say "that's none of your business" or "are you jealous" or any other shit that would usually make him back off. No, this time, she just opens her mouth and looks at him all confused and then she spills it all, just like that, without a fight. (Side note that I'm trying to fit in somewhere: the way she reacted to Parsons's original question actually strengthens my belief in my head canon about the summer between seasons three and four, because honestly, she reacts pretty much the same way now as she did back then, when she got the same question about Tony...)
Do I get the impression that she's okay with what happened? No, not in the long run. She looks too vulnerable and too guilty, and I believe she means it when she calls it "a moment of weakness". I think she really saw it like that -- a flaw in her composure, the need for closeness and support and human contact overpowering her and leading her to something she wouldn't have done otherwise. I've seen people criticize Adam for going along with this, for "exploiting her vulnerable state", but honestly? I think they were both well aware that this was exactly what it was -- comfort sex with an old friend because it was needed at that time, and they never intended it to go anywhere beyond releasing a few endorphins and forgetting the bad stuff for a few short moments. I can't blame the guy, really, because personally, I think he knows her old ways of coping with grief well enough... and that's the point where I need to mention that her choice of words when describing this is anything but accidental: "a moment of weakness", when -- just two episodes earlier -- she had described her father as weak, for giving in to the woman who knew his Mossad ways, who understood his missions and, subsequently, his dark sides better than his wife. And yeah, I do believe that this special kind of familiarity, that common ground when it comes to traumatic things, is what made this "moment" happen in the first place, because it's not a thing she could ever share with Tony. Because Tony is different, and he makes her a different person, and yes, she has evolved a lot since she joined NCIS... but sometimes, there's still a little dark spot inside her heart. And Adam is the kind of person who'd understand that.
On a more superficial level: goddammit, I was rejoicing hard, because just this once, Ziva actually got some hot piece of ass! *pumps fist* Also, remember when Adam said Ziva had told him "great many things" about Tony...? Yeah, I'm pretty damn sure that guy was well aware he was just a stand-in... (And somehow, all of this makes her irritation at Tony getting along with Adam a lot more interesting. Of course the thought of them bonding and possibly sharing Ziva-stories makes her nervous! Much like, say, Tony being abhorred by the thought of Ziva being alone with Wendy... *whistles*)
Am I pissed she had sex with Adam? No, not at all. Because apparently, she needed it at the time, and adults are like that sometimes. And let's face it, if she had slept with Tony? It would have meant just as little -- but it would have broken even more. It would have been a shallow release in the face of grief, and Tony would have beat himself up over it later, and Ziva would have probably backed off soon enough, thinking that it was just the grief that drove her into his arms. Because yeah, Tony was right to keep his distance and wait until she was ready -- for the relationship, that is. Because you can't base one on a night of grief sex. Go watch 'Bones' if you want that.
Tony: My Hebrew must not be as good as I thought, because I could have sworn that when I dropped you off at the airport I told you you were not alone.
Ziva: Yes, you did.
Tony: Well, then. We must have different interpretations.
I have a lot of madly overflowing love for this whole scene, starting with the way it is filmed -- so close-cropped, just their faces and mostly focused on their incredibly expressive eyes. It feels so goddamn intimate, with the low voices and the proximity and the wide, shining eyes on both of them. I have never seen them talk like this before. Never.
Love how Tony first runs off, but then turns on his heels and basically says, screw this, I'm not swallowing that shit, not this time. Love how, for the first time, he makes it clear that this actually hurt him. That he was there to wait for his window patiently, and that she wronged him, and he isn't happy about it. And that it's not really the act in itself that is the worst part, but her reasoning that makes him so angry. And I love how you can see the penny drop about that on her end. There is this one moment, after he talks about interpretations, where she just looks at him all confused for a second, and then her eyebrows go up the slightest bit and her eyes widen, and you can actually see that this is the exact moment where she gets it. Where she realizes that he's not just concerned or jealous or childishly possessive this time, but actually in love with her -- was, in fact, back then and maybe even before, which makes all of this so painful for him. She looks at him, and her face says loud and clear, "Oh. Wait, wait -- that's what you meant?"
Ziva: Well, I didn't think you were serious.
Tony: What part of 'I'm totally serious' made you think that?
BOOM. Because that's how far the car metaphor really goes.
There were many, many voices over the past few months that said, oh come on, she has to know by now what he feels for her, right? He already told her in ToC, she heard it, how can she still doubt it?! The thing is, she never had a reason to believe he was serious when he said that. The way he talks with Saleem (and talks his way around the truth serum), the way he's all flippant, the way he shrugs and adds the belittling "I guess" to the statement, which, coupled with his tone, basically sucks all seriousness out of it, especially coming from a guy like him... and please let's not forget the fact that she had already been in captivity for three months at that time. She was starved, she was beaten, she was abused... heck, at that time she probably thought she was hallucinating and he wasn't even there for real, especially when he started babbling about turning sand into glass and all that jazz... Seriously, given everything she knew about that man, this was just one more line of babbling his way out of this situation and not a confession of undying love.
And after that, he did a lot of tiptoeing around her, but never once did he make an actual attempt to "get the girl". I've said it a dozen times at least: he teased her, yes, he leered at her, yes, and he gave her some innuendo, yes -- but he never actually flirted with her. Up until "Berlin" happened, there was only one single moment in ten years where he sort of "went for it", and that was the end scene of "Housekeeping". And god, look at her reaction in that scene! How she fell like a sapling in a tornado after just one intense look and a not-all-that-original line! If he had kept going after that, the deal would have long been sealed, trust me. But he didn't go any further, because technically, she was still with Ray at the time, and Tony respected that too much, and so he never let this go any further. Do I blame her for putting aside her own feelings at that time? Not at all. I'm pretty damn sure she told herself afterwards that she'd just been imagining that, because everything went back to normal so smoothly. Yes, she knew he cared for her, he protected her, he loved her -- but I will fight it tooth and nail when people holler she "had to know by now". Because she couldn't have known he cared more for her than a big brother. Because it's not the kind of thing to assume of someone who just doesn't seem the type. And he never showed her. Never. And that's why she sometimes looked so stricken, like during the infamous "I understand that one" talk. Because yes, there have been quite heavy emotions on her side for long years, but she never really expected their emotions to be... compatible, for lack of a better word. That face she made in the bar scene, that's her thinking, "Of course. I'll never be easy and uncomplicated", and that's part of her mourning the fact that she can't be what he (thinks he) seeks.
And now, with all of this in mind -- how can you even blame her for one second that she went for the shallow comfort of another guy instead of the guy she (thinks she) can never have anyway, for a multitude of reasons?! Do you honestly think she thought about Adam while she was in bed with him? Seriously?
And Tony -- yeah, he really dug himself his own (perceived) friendzone grave by being so fucking supportive and caring and always doing the right thing and always stepping back in favor of her needs and never pushing except when he was brotherly-possessively obnoxious, because yes, part of him probably believes he can never be good enough for her, thanks to previous relationship experiences and an inferiority complex that puts mine to shame. That face he shows when she says, "Yes you did" -- that's him thinking, "Yeah. Of course you'll never turn to me that way. Of course it's always just the other guys you go to for that."
Yes, things happened between them in and after Berlin, but that? Was a relatively recent development. And so far, Ziva didn't have the slightest idea that it didn't just start a few weeks ago for him. That he was, in fact, already in love with her when she went to Israel... and yeah, most likely quite a while even before that. And this -- this is the moment where it settles in her heart what this actually means. And that she has fucked this one up. And that her actions have hurt him, because he fucking cares for her in a way that isn't brotherly at all.
I think someone skipped ahead to the last item on his bucket list there...
And then, we get to see the true aftermath of what just happened. We get to see a Tony who pointedly refuses to look at the one woman his eyes have conveyed whole novels to over the years. We see him, completely withdrawing from her for now, not reacting to her presence at all, not even glancing at her... yeah, she just ripped his fucking heart out, alright. :(
And we get a Ziva who is confused by this. She can't deal with this, and so she puts on a bad show and pretends to participate, but right then, right there... she feels the loss of his affection. She knows she just lost something she wasn't even aware she had. And that's a painful thing.
Someone on Tumblr said it very aptly -- this is, basically, the moment Gibbs realizes the flaw in his rule no. 12: that their biggest problems are all based on the fact that they're not together...
Now, with all of this firmly in mind, with all this goddamn longing and wanting and needing and seeking comfort, piled up over the years and buried under a giant heap of "I can never have what I want anyway" from both sides of the equation... let me elaborate on a reference that, most likely, completely went past most of the NCIS fandom, since I'm pretty sure not many people here saw the film in question. (I did, quite a while ago, and that's why this one line practically gutted me with the associations it threw at me.)
Ducky: Do you recognize that man, Ziva?
Ziva: No.
Tony: Michael Fassbender?
There were a few speculations thrown around what he meant by that, and some folks browsed the net to find out what movies Fassbender had done. Some mentioned that Tony probably referenced "Shame" but couldn't connect the dots past the basics of the IMDB summary, in which Fassbender plays a guy whose "carefully cultivated private life, which allows him to indulge his sexual addiction, is disrupted when his sister arrives unannounced for an indefinite stay", and some people said that was probably a nasty jab at Ziva and her one night stand. Which could be a valid interpretation, since "Shame" (and, consequently, Fassbender) was infamous for the longwinded and explicit sex scenes of all flavors that, yes, made up a good portion of the movie indeed.
The thing is this: that's not really what "Shame" is about. Because yes, it's about a guy feeding his sexual addiction up to the point of self-destructiveness, up to the point where he can't even perform when he tries to just sort-of date a co-worker normally, because he just can't deal with regular romance -- with actually getting closer to someone. And yes, his escapades get more and more extreme over the course of the movie, and yes, he gets more and more agitated the longer his sister stays and interferes with his release routines... but that's not the point. The point is... there's this one moment where it slowly sinks in for you that he's doing all that, throwing himself into more and more extreme and dangerous things, just because he can't go for the one thing that would actually satisfy his hunger. Because he's in love with his sister. The one woman he can never have. And the thing that really guts you in the end is the last scene with him at her bed, in the hospital, after she cut her wrists and he almost lost her. Because it turns out that she is just as obsessed with him as he is with her, and just like him, she could never show it because he is the one man she can never have, of course. She just developed her own coping mechanisms over the years, and eventually these turned out to be just as destructive as his were. Yes, Tony's mention was a jab at sex... but at a whole different kind of shallow comfort sex. The kind that can never give you what you really need.
...
Okay, are you still with me? Minds blown to smithereens or can you hold on for a little longer? Then let's get back to things a little less heavy...
I have to admit, I'm vaguely confused by the Schmiel thing. Yes, on one hand I like that they gave him that background -- and especially Munich was one of those big things that left a lot of ripples in the pond, and that would explain really well how he made Eli's acquaintance and all that. On the other hand, I don't really get Ziva's utter surprise at the revelation. I mean, she already admitted freely that Schmiel was one of her contacts who helped her track down Bodnar in Europe -- would she really believe it's "impossible" for him to be in a similar line of work? Seriously? *scratches head* Also, there's once more the age fudging -- that picture looks like a guy in his thirties, which would make him somewhere around his early 70s now... granted, older people are often hard to age-guess, but seriously, that guy looks a lot older than 70 to me! I mean, yeah, Parsons could have used a photo that was taken before Munich, but why? Or... maybe it's a reverse effect of "the camera adds ten pounds"? Like, the NCIS flashbacks always take ten years off...? O_o
Same amount of headscratching goes into the misdirection with Vance at the end. I would have loved that storyline, simply because it would have felt right and in line with the things that have happened over the course of this year. (And honestly, Vance had so much more to do with their illegalities this year than Gibbs, it's not even funny anymore.) But then they switched the focus to Gibbs (yet again) and I'm sitting here sighing and suddenly not feeling all that interested in the finale, because honestly, Gibbs is Papa Bear, and Mark Harmon has already signed on for next year, so chances are pretty damn good they'll resolve this mess in a couple of episodes and then come up with something new. *sighs* Ah, well. I'll settle back and hope for the best...
Speaking of settling back... yeah, I'll just do that and let you take mewatch this impressive force of nature, okay?
I have rarely loved an elevator scene this fiercely, because it was simply a masterpiece of filming and editing. The mood they set with the dimmer-than-usual emergency light, the cuts back and forth between the elevator and MTAC, the score they used, and finally, the way we see for the first time that the harmless office idiot is a dangerous predator instead... And it happens with just one look:
Tony: You're messing with the wrong federal agents. You can question how we do things, but don't ever question the loyalty of Ziva David.
Parsons: Even though she dissed you and slept with some stranger?
Tony: Ha. You're gonna poke the bear, huh?
Parsons: It's effective.
Tony: Until the bear eats you.
Parsons: For doing my job?
Tony: For going after the bear's best friend.
And once more, they give us a scene that has everything right and perfect and my mind is thoroughly boggled. I love that Tony can't help but love her and have her back, and that gives me hope that when she comes to him to make things right, he'll be easy to sway and they'll figure this out and make lots of sexes.
We've had many people comment over the years about them seeming like a couple, but a part of me is utterly thrilled to finally have someone see the dynamic... and use it against them. He already did this in the interrogation scene -- looks at them judgingly, and you see this moment when it clicks in Parsons's head and then he changes course and delivers the boyfriend stab to shake them up some more. And now, now he's rubbing salt in that same wound -- maybe just to unsettle them, maybe to get Tony to work with him (although with his quick assessment of character, I doubt he'd be under the illusion he could truly turn him against Ziva). And words fail me when, for the first time ever, Tony doesn't ignore it, doesn't make fun of it or play it down or say, "what the hell are you talking about, we're just co-workers". No. Not this time. This time he goes with the fucking flow, and he admits that there are goddamn feelings and that it's a thing that hurts him and, if poked more, will make him really, really angry. And yet, he still calls her his best friend.
I'm... just excuse me while I curl up in a corner for a minute here, okay? I think at one point I had more intelligent things to say about this scene, but right now, all the words fled and left me rocking back and forth and desperately wanting some resolution for this. *whimpers*
Tony: Did you get my text?
McGee: Just now. It's no personal cell phones in MTAC, remember? ... What, am I the only one that follows that rule?
*snorts* Mucho love!
There's this small moment before they leave Vance's office where you can see Tony and Ziva stop dead in their tracks and look at each other for a second, unsure on who goes first, and I love that moment. I've never seen such a small moment illustrate so powerfully how something is not working at the moment -- how their usual stride is broken, their unthinking ease around each other, the way they always move like they are synchronized. Now, that ease is disrupted, and suddenly the usual instinctive closeness is proving to be an issue.
And that makes her smile a little earlier, when she realizes he bugged Parsons to help her, despite his issues, so much more poignant -- and a lot more sad on her end, because now that the curtains have been pulled aside from his feelings, she suddenly catches glimpses of just how much he did for her over the years... and why.
Yeah, I'm pretty damn sure this is an issue they'll have to resolve very soon, one way or the other, simply so they'll be able to function around each other again...
Side note: Ziva watching the baby... mwaaah. ♥
Stella: Haven't you ever bent the rules to protect a friend?
Gee. Only about every other episode... *rolls eyes* Which makes me wonder -- what happens with this case now? Will they bend some more or bring her in as well?
Love the scene with all the guards "sealing off the exits", so to speak. Creepy to the max. And the score they used for this was, yet again, fucking perfection.
I've run out of words, it seems, because I'm damn sure there were more scenes I wanted to address originally, and I wanted to talk about Tony and McGee a bit, how it's astonishing that Tony even gives vocal hints that he feels bad and wants to talk, but McGee just flat-out ignores it... but yeah, all of these thoughts kind of got lost and feel blissfully unimportant, somehow, because other scenes really overpowered that all and my brain kind of got lost in all the beauty of them hurting and him telling her and her screwing up and then hurting some more... ah, god. This really was one of those episodes you didn't know you needed this badly... until it happened.
So, to wrap this up -- thank you, Mr. Waild and Mr. Binder, for writing a goddamn perfect episode. Thank you, Mr. Smith, for being a goddamn perfect director and doing the job you do best -- pulling all the goddamn emotion they have to offer out of them and throwing it out there for all of us to see -- and bringing it to a whole new level. Thank you, Cote and Michael, for being goddamn perfect and giving me a sheer rainbow of emotion that choked me and left me crying, all with just a few glances. Thank you, show. My life would be so much poorer without you. *sobs*
Okay, confession time: originally, I wanted to skip the whole case thingie in this review completely because seriously? Why the fuck was it even in there? I mean, yeah, it was a somewhat original plot, and it would have worked really well for me as an early-season standalone ep, but with this particular episode? It was goddamn unnecessary distraction, that's what it was!
So, imagine my surprise when, upon the third viewing of the episode, it suddenly clicked that there was an actual parallel to the team storyline in there after all. Two, to be exact -- one, the bear who gets poked and then snaps because all he wants to do is protect his best friend, and two, the experiment in itself, the constant surveillance, the invasion of privacy, the study of how individuals behave when they are under constant scrutiny... what do you want to bet that this is something our team will have to deal with now...? (Actually -- on fourth viewing, I'm willing to add a third parallel, of things being not quite what they seem and the bad guys maybe not being all that bad after all. Which reminds me of Bodnar and his call about Kazmi and all the open ends there...)
I still think the title of the episode is interesting and promises more, story-wise: a "double blind study" is a study in which neither the test subjects nor the conductors of the experiment know which participants are the actual test subjects and which are the control group. A third party holds that information, to rule out bias and/or manipulation of the experiment's results. And yeah, in this episode, they sure as hell got prodded and poked like mad. Do we know yet who the actual test subjects were and who were just the control group? (No, I don't have an answer to that, by the way. It just feels like a good thing to throw out there and let you folks ponder about it for a while because it seems like there's more in this.) Then again -- maybe we can't make sense of it yet because we just don't have the info of the third party yet...? *wink wink* *nudge nudge*
Official Ziva/Camaro appreciation moment:
And yeah, Tony appreciates as well, methinks...
Tony: Where's the Mini?
Ziva: Thought it was time to make a change, you know. Put the past behind.
Tony: Ah, well, that's gonna be harder than just buying a new car, you know.
Ziva: Yes, I noticed.
That was actually the first time during this episode where my jaw hit the floor, because his statement and her easy reply... that's not something that could have happened even at the beginning of this season. That is Ziva -- Ziva, of all people! -- openly and easily admitting that she isn't right as rain yet. That the past is hard on her and she has trouble letting go. She just says it, like the fact that it is, and she doesn't even try to hide it from him. She's never done this so easily -- just stating things, without a fight, without a struggle. She never willingly presented herself as a regular, vulnerable human being. And yeah, the goddamn fact that they can have this kind of talk these days, without either of them flinching or stuttering or beating around the bush -- it boggles my mind. They've never done that before. Not like that.
Ziva: I'm sorry, Tony, I know you wanted the car, but I just didn't think it was a good idea to sell it to you.
Tony: Why not?
Ziva: Because I really liked my Mini.
Tony: Me too!
Ziva: And I didn't want anything to happen to it.
Tony: What are you saying?
McGee: She's saying you're a car killer.
So, I've seen the interpretation of this scene float around that the car is actually a metaphor for her heart, which she felt squeamish about handing over to Tony because she didn't want him to crash it, too, and yeah, I kind of agree with that -- buuuuut I arrived at this conclusion from the opposite end, so to speak, and after wading through a metaphor that goes so deep it boggles my mind. Because it's not just Ziva's car that stands for her heart... Tony's crashed cars are a part of the same analogy. Because each one of them symbolizes one of the three more serious relationships he was in so far.
The first one, the Corvette? Perfect symbol for the snazzy, shiny, seemingly perfect relationship he had with Wendy, which was so classically neat that he wanted to put a ring on it to be "safely married". Crashed and burned... and maybe we can even stretch it far enough to include the fact that it was stolen, because remember that Wendy married someone else and made a kid with him not too long after leaving Tony...? Second one, the Mustang -- duh. That's scarily easy: blown up by La Grenouille, just like his relationship with Jeanne. And the last one -- the less snazzy, but comfy, reasonable classic he didn't bitch about all that much when he lost this one... yep, sounds a lot like his relationship with EJ, right?
Now, each of these relationships got wrecked... but, much like his car crashes, the relationship crashes were not his fault, because he's not a heartcar killer. Still, much like from his insurance company... he gets the blame for these as well.
So, the really interesting thing here is for me -- what car will he get now? Because yeah, goddammit, that one will symbolize his relationship with Ziva! Personal wish list item: I'd love it a lot, although it's unlikely to happen, if she gave him the Camaro, not just because she'd, essentially, give him her heart (if we stick to the analogy) but because it feels a lot more like "his" car anyway than one that fits her. Heck, she's even wearing shades these days I'd expect to see on him!
Silly little side note: now, having this analogy firmly in mind and knowing about the whole Adam thing... I confess, I always end up cackling like a madwoman whenever Gibbs says, "Your new ride, Ziver?" (Yep, sometimes I am indeed prepubescent. ^_^ ) Vaguely related: see above quote that Ziva knows full well that putting the past behind her isn't as easy as shagging a yummy guygetting a new car. That's one reason why she hasn't told anyone about this. She knows it didn't mean anything beyond a superficial illusion of comfort, so why stir the sharks when it most likely won't happen again anyway?
Amusing side note: the "culinary specialist" running gag killed me. ^_^
I liked the idea of Parsons looking so... harmless at first glance. Like the poor office idiot who doesn't get out much and whom you can't take seriously. Like how they built that up, that was actually a pretty neat writing job. I mean, starting with the 007 combination on his briefcase and his silly idiot routine in the car, and then, with Abby... his pleasant mask slips, just a little at first, when he criticizes her work and we end up thinking, wait... he's not that simple, right? And then, later... boy, he just turns into a shark. O_o
Shallow interlude time:
*mutters* Goddamn smokin' hot bastards, all of you!
Side note: what the fuck is going on with Abby? Last week, she yelled at that insurance lady, now she offers to "fist-fight him in the head"... I'm sorry, but what? Is there a reason for this behavior? Because if there isn't, this feels completely out of character for someone who can't even stand the thought of "blood diamonds" in her lab...
Side note, part 2: the last murder victim they had on the slab coincidentally ate the same bratwurst that our memory-impaired friend smelled while he was signing his waver? Seriously...? I think that's taking the willing suspension of disbelief just a liiittle too far, guys. =_=
I love the interrogation scene with Ziva so fiercely, you guys, I don't have the words. I love how Ziva goes into this so relaxed. LOVE the fact that Tony snoops... but not because he's nosy, this time, but because he's concerned. Love how he wants to back out when she calls him childish, how he realizes this is a violation of privacy... but then stops dead in his tracks when she calls out the conference room bluff and he realizes there's more going on and just like that his protective instincts kick in once more.
One of my favorite shots from this episode:
Ziva: Are you trying to make me uncomfortable, for some reason?
Parsons: Are you uncomfortable, for some reason?
She looks pretty damn relaxed to me... so far... (Side note: While I'm editing the screenshots for this, I'm suddenly fascinated by the placement of his briefcase here, because it's pretty much obstructing the view. Which, combined with the later remark about counting the cards and what's left in his deck, makes for an oddly well-rounded metaphor: right now, we can't see his hand. We don't know yet if he's bluffing or not.)
Also, can we just talk about Ziva's voice when she says "I have nothing to hide"? And later, with the "Over, ten seconds ago."? I mean, seriously! Her voice was just something else, several times during this episode, guh... *drools*
Okay, on a less shallow note... man, this scene hurt. Not the interrogation fight, but the moment Tony storms into that room and declares the interview over... holy crap. Oh yeah, that angry man does things for me... *whimpers*
That look on her face when she realizes he watched them. He knows. The way her eyes suddenly flicker all over the place because yeah, quite obviously she's uncomfortable now. The way she flinches and looks to the side when Parsons tells her to "keep the photo of your boyfriend"...
And, finally, the way they just stand beside each other, not looking at one another... this is the moment that really kills me each time I watch this scene. The moment where mommy and daddy have a fight and they're trying not to let it show. :(
That stiffness, that tension, the worst expression of alienation ever. Something big just happened between them... something really bad. He's tense and angry, and she's... I think 'ashamed' actually works best here, if you look at her body language and the way she can suddenly no longer meet his eyes. She really doesn't want to go there. She didn't want him to know, but now there's nothing she can do about it -- except run away, for now. And god, Tony, he's so, so disappointed... :(
And from that suckerpunch we go directly to the scene in the burned down warehouse, which perfectly symbolizes the current situation between them -- the debris of carefully built trust...
Ziva: I went to Israel to bury my father. It was a moment of weakness. I felt... alone.
Tony's face just kills me in this scene. It... you just see the pain in his eyes and the bitter twist of his mouth. That look just rips my heart out, every single fucking time, and jesus, I just want to hug the boy to make it all better. *rocks back and forth* *sucks thumb*
That said -- once again I am floored by Ziva's honesty. That is the first time where she doesn't brush off a question like that, doesn't evade it, doesn't say "that's none of your business" or "are you jealous" or any other shit that would usually make him back off. No, this time, she just opens her mouth and looks at him all confused and then she spills it all, just like that, without a fight. (Side note that I'm trying to fit in somewhere: the way she reacted to Parsons's original question actually strengthens my belief in my head canon about the summer between seasons three and four, because honestly, she reacts pretty much the same way now as she did back then, when she got the same question about Tony...)
Do I get the impression that she's okay with what happened? No, not in the long run. She looks too vulnerable and too guilty, and I believe she means it when she calls it "a moment of weakness". I think she really saw it like that -- a flaw in her composure, the need for closeness and support and human contact overpowering her and leading her to something she wouldn't have done otherwise. I've seen people criticize Adam for going along with this, for "exploiting her vulnerable state", but honestly? I think they were both well aware that this was exactly what it was -- comfort sex with an old friend because it was needed at that time, and they never intended it to go anywhere beyond releasing a few endorphins and forgetting the bad stuff for a few short moments. I can't blame the guy, really, because personally, I think he knows her old ways of coping with grief well enough... and that's the point where I need to mention that her choice of words when describing this is anything but accidental: "a moment of weakness", when -- just two episodes earlier -- she had described her father as weak, for giving in to the woman who knew his Mossad ways, who understood his missions and, subsequently, his dark sides better than his wife. And yeah, I do believe that this special kind of familiarity, that common ground when it comes to traumatic things, is what made this "moment" happen in the first place, because it's not a thing she could ever share with Tony. Because Tony is different, and he makes her a different person, and yes, she has evolved a lot since she joined NCIS... but sometimes, there's still a little dark spot inside her heart. And Adam is the kind of person who'd understand that.
On a more superficial level: goddammit, I was rejoicing hard, because just this once, Ziva actually got some hot piece of ass! *pumps fist* Also, remember when Adam said Ziva had told him "great many things" about Tony...? Yeah, I'm pretty damn sure that guy was well aware he was just a stand-in... (And somehow, all of this makes her irritation at Tony getting along with Adam a lot more interesting. Of course the thought of them bonding and possibly sharing Ziva-stories makes her nervous! Much like, say, Tony being abhorred by the thought of Ziva being alone with Wendy... *whistles*)
Am I pissed she had sex with Adam? No, not at all. Because apparently, she needed it at the time, and adults are like that sometimes. And let's face it, if she had slept with Tony? It would have meant just as little -- but it would have broken even more. It would have been a shallow release in the face of grief, and Tony would have beat himself up over it later, and Ziva would have probably backed off soon enough, thinking that it was just the grief that drove her into his arms. Because yeah, Tony was right to keep his distance and wait until she was ready -- for the relationship, that is. Because you can't base one on a night of grief sex. Go watch 'Bones' if you want that.
Tony: My Hebrew must not be as good as I thought, because I could have sworn that when I dropped you off at the airport I told you you were not alone.
Ziva: Yes, you did.
Tony: Well, then. We must have different interpretations.
I have a lot of madly overflowing love for this whole scene, starting with the way it is filmed -- so close-cropped, just their faces and mostly focused on their incredibly expressive eyes. It feels so goddamn intimate, with the low voices and the proximity and the wide, shining eyes on both of them. I have never seen them talk like this before. Never.
Love how Tony first runs off, but then turns on his heels and basically says, screw this, I'm not swallowing that shit, not this time. Love how, for the first time, he makes it clear that this actually hurt him. That he was there to wait for his window patiently, and that she wronged him, and he isn't happy about it. And that it's not really the act in itself that is the worst part, but her reasoning that makes him so angry. And I love how you can see the penny drop about that on her end. There is this one moment, after he talks about interpretations, where she just looks at him all confused for a second, and then her eyebrows go up the slightest bit and her eyes widen, and you can actually see that this is the exact moment where she gets it. Where she realizes that he's not just concerned or jealous or childishly possessive this time, but actually in love with her -- was, in fact, back then and maybe even before, which makes all of this so painful for him. She looks at him, and her face says loud and clear, "Oh. Wait, wait -- that's what you meant?"
Ziva: Well, I didn't think you were serious.
Tony: What part of 'I'm totally serious' made you think that?
BOOM. Because that's how far the car metaphor really goes.
There were many, many voices over the past few months that said, oh come on, she has to know by now what he feels for her, right? He already told her in ToC, she heard it, how can she still doubt it?! The thing is, she never had a reason to believe he was serious when he said that. The way he talks with Saleem (and talks his way around the truth serum), the way he's all flippant, the way he shrugs and adds the belittling "I guess" to the statement, which, coupled with his tone, basically sucks all seriousness out of it, especially coming from a guy like him... and please let's not forget the fact that she had already been in captivity for three months at that time. She was starved, she was beaten, she was abused... heck, at that time she probably thought she was hallucinating and he wasn't even there for real, especially when he started babbling about turning sand into glass and all that jazz... Seriously, given everything she knew about that man, this was just one more line of babbling his way out of this situation and not a confession of undying love.
And after that, he did a lot of tiptoeing around her, but never once did he make an actual attempt to "get the girl". I've said it a dozen times at least: he teased her, yes, he leered at her, yes, and he gave her some innuendo, yes -- but he never actually flirted with her. Up until "Berlin" happened, there was only one single moment in ten years where he sort of "went for it", and that was the end scene of "Housekeeping". And god, look at her reaction in that scene! How she fell like a sapling in a tornado after just one intense look and a not-all-that-original line! If he had kept going after that, the deal would have long been sealed, trust me. But he didn't go any further, because technically, she was still with Ray at the time, and Tony respected that too much, and so he never let this go any further. Do I blame her for putting aside her own feelings at that time? Not at all. I'm pretty damn sure she told herself afterwards that she'd just been imagining that, because everything went back to normal so smoothly. Yes, she knew he cared for her, he protected her, he loved her -- but I will fight it tooth and nail when people holler she "had to know by now". Because she couldn't have known he cared more for her than a big brother. Because it's not the kind of thing to assume of someone who just doesn't seem the type. And he never showed her. Never. And that's why she sometimes looked so stricken, like during the infamous "I understand that one" talk. Because yes, there have been quite heavy emotions on her side for long years, but she never really expected their emotions to be... compatible, for lack of a better word. That face she made in the bar scene, that's her thinking, "Of course. I'll never be easy and uncomplicated", and that's part of her mourning the fact that she can't be what he (thinks he) seeks.
And now, with all of this in mind -- how can you even blame her for one second that she went for the shallow comfort of another guy instead of the guy she (thinks she) can never have anyway, for a multitude of reasons?! Do you honestly think she thought about Adam while she was in bed with him? Seriously?
And Tony -- yeah, he really dug himself his own (perceived) friendzone grave by being so fucking supportive and caring and always doing the right thing and always stepping back in favor of her needs and never pushing except when he was brotherly-possessively obnoxious, because yes, part of him probably believes he can never be good enough for her, thanks to previous relationship experiences and an inferiority complex that puts mine to shame. That face he shows when she says, "Yes you did" -- that's him thinking, "Yeah. Of course you'll never turn to me that way. Of course it's always just the other guys you go to for that."
Yes, things happened between them in and after Berlin, but that? Was a relatively recent development. And so far, Ziva didn't have the slightest idea that it didn't just start a few weeks ago for him. That he was, in fact, already in love with her when she went to Israel... and yeah, most likely quite a while even before that. And this -- this is the moment where it settles in her heart what this actually means. And that she has fucked this one up. And that her actions have hurt him, because he fucking cares for her in a way that isn't brotherly at all.
I think someone skipped ahead to the last item on his bucket list there...
And then, we get to see the true aftermath of what just happened. We get to see a Tony who pointedly refuses to look at the one woman his eyes have conveyed whole novels to over the years. We see him, completely withdrawing from her for now, not reacting to her presence at all, not even glancing at her... yeah, she just ripped his fucking heart out, alright. :(
And we get a Ziva who is confused by this. She can't deal with this, and so she puts on a bad show and pretends to participate, but right then, right there... she feels the loss of his affection. She knows she just lost something she wasn't even aware she had. And that's a painful thing.
Someone on Tumblr said it very aptly -- this is, basically, the moment Gibbs realizes the flaw in his rule no. 12: that their biggest problems are all based on the fact that they're not together...
Now, with all of this firmly in mind, with all this goddamn longing and wanting and needing and seeking comfort, piled up over the years and buried under a giant heap of "I can never have what I want anyway" from both sides of the equation... let me elaborate on a reference that, most likely, completely went past most of the NCIS fandom, since I'm pretty sure not many people here saw the film in question. (I did, quite a while ago, and that's why this one line practically gutted me with the associations it threw at me.)
Ducky: Do you recognize that man, Ziva?
Ziva: No.
Tony: Michael Fassbender?
There were a few speculations thrown around what he meant by that, and some folks browsed the net to find out what movies Fassbender had done. Some mentioned that Tony probably referenced "Shame" but couldn't connect the dots past the basics of the IMDB summary, in which Fassbender plays a guy whose "carefully cultivated private life, which allows him to indulge his sexual addiction, is disrupted when his sister arrives unannounced for an indefinite stay", and some people said that was probably a nasty jab at Ziva and her one night stand. Which could be a valid interpretation, since "Shame" (and, consequently, Fassbender) was infamous for the longwinded and explicit sex scenes of all flavors that, yes, made up a good portion of the movie indeed.
The thing is this: that's not really what "Shame" is about. Because yes, it's about a guy feeding his sexual addiction up to the point of self-destructiveness, up to the point where he can't even perform when he tries to just sort-of date a co-worker normally, because he just can't deal with regular romance -- with actually getting closer to someone. And yes, his escapades get more and more extreme over the course of the movie, and yes, he gets more and more agitated the longer his sister stays and interferes with his release routines... but that's not the point. The point is... there's this one moment where it slowly sinks in for you that he's doing all that, throwing himself into more and more extreme and dangerous things, just because he can't go for the one thing that would actually satisfy his hunger. Because he's in love with his sister. The one woman he can never have. And the thing that really guts you in the end is the last scene with him at her bed, in the hospital, after she cut her wrists and he almost lost her. Because it turns out that she is just as obsessed with him as he is with her, and just like him, she could never show it because he is the one man she can never have, of course. She just developed her own coping mechanisms over the years, and eventually these turned out to be just as destructive as his were. Yes, Tony's mention was a jab at sex... but at a whole different kind of shallow comfort sex. The kind that can never give you what you really need.
...
Okay, are you still with me? Minds blown to smithereens or can you hold on for a little longer? Then let's get back to things a little less heavy...
I have to admit, I'm vaguely confused by the Schmiel thing. Yes, on one hand I like that they gave him that background -- and especially Munich was one of those big things that left a lot of ripples in the pond, and that would explain really well how he made Eli's acquaintance and all that. On the other hand, I don't really get Ziva's utter surprise at the revelation. I mean, she already admitted freely that Schmiel was one of her contacts who helped her track down Bodnar in Europe -- would she really believe it's "impossible" for him to be in a similar line of work? Seriously? *scratches head* Also, there's once more the age fudging -- that picture looks like a guy in his thirties, which would make him somewhere around his early 70s now... granted, older people are often hard to age-guess, but seriously, that guy looks a lot older than 70 to me! I mean, yeah, Parsons could have used a photo that was taken before Munich, but why? Or... maybe it's a reverse effect of "the camera adds ten pounds"? Like, the NCIS flashbacks always take ten years off...? O_o
Same amount of headscratching goes into the misdirection with Vance at the end. I would have loved that storyline, simply because it would have felt right and in line with the things that have happened over the course of this year. (And honestly, Vance had so much more to do with their illegalities this year than Gibbs, it's not even funny anymore.) But then they switched the focus to Gibbs (yet again) and I'm sitting here sighing and suddenly not feeling all that interested in the finale, because honestly, Gibbs is Papa Bear, and Mark Harmon has already signed on for next year, so chances are pretty damn good they'll resolve this mess in a couple of episodes and then come up with something new. *sighs* Ah, well. I'll settle back and hope for the best...
Speaking of settling back... yeah, I'll just do that and let you take mewatch this impressive force of nature, okay?
I have rarely loved an elevator scene this fiercely, because it was simply a masterpiece of filming and editing. The mood they set with the dimmer-than-usual emergency light, the cuts back and forth between the elevator and MTAC, the score they used, and finally, the way we see for the first time that the harmless office idiot is a dangerous predator instead... And it happens with just one look:
Tony: You're messing with the wrong federal agents. You can question how we do things, but don't ever question the loyalty of Ziva David.
Parsons: Even though she dissed you and slept with some stranger?
Tony: Ha. You're gonna poke the bear, huh?
Parsons: It's effective.
Tony: Until the bear eats you.
Parsons: For doing my job?
Tony: For going after the bear's best friend.
And once more, they give us a scene that has everything right and perfect and my mind is thoroughly boggled. I love that Tony can't help but love her and have her back, and that gives me hope that when she comes to him to make things right, he'll be easy to sway and they'll figure this out and make lots of sexes.
We've had many people comment over the years about them seeming like a couple, but a part of me is utterly thrilled to finally have someone see the dynamic... and use it against them. He already did this in the interrogation scene -- looks at them judgingly, and you see this moment when it clicks in Parsons's head and then he changes course and delivers the boyfriend stab to shake them up some more. And now, now he's rubbing salt in that same wound -- maybe just to unsettle them, maybe to get Tony to work with him (although with his quick assessment of character, I doubt he'd be under the illusion he could truly turn him against Ziva). And words fail me when, for the first time ever, Tony doesn't ignore it, doesn't make fun of it or play it down or say, "what the hell are you talking about, we're just co-workers". No. Not this time. This time he goes with the fucking flow, and he admits that there are goddamn feelings and that it's a thing that hurts him and, if poked more, will make him really, really angry. And yet, he still calls her his best friend.
I'm... just excuse me while I curl up in a corner for a minute here, okay? I think at one point I had more intelligent things to say about this scene, but right now, all the words fled and left me rocking back and forth and desperately wanting some resolution for this. *whimpers*
Tony: Did you get my text?
McGee: Just now. It's no personal cell phones in MTAC, remember? ... What, am I the only one that follows that rule?
*snorts* Mucho love!
There's this small moment before they leave Vance's office where you can see Tony and Ziva stop dead in their tracks and look at each other for a second, unsure on who goes first, and I love that moment. I've never seen such a small moment illustrate so powerfully how something is not working at the moment -- how their usual stride is broken, their unthinking ease around each other, the way they always move like they are synchronized. Now, that ease is disrupted, and suddenly the usual instinctive closeness is proving to be an issue.
And that makes her smile a little earlier, when she realizes he bugged Parsons to help her, despite his issues, so much more poignant -- and a lot more sad on her end, because now that the curtains have been pulled aside from his feelings, she suddenly catches glimpses of just how much he did for her over the years... and why.
Yeah, I'm pretty damn sure this is an issue they'll have to resolve very soon, one way or the other, simply so they'll be able to function around each other again...
Side note: Ziva watching the baby... mwaaah. ♥
Stella: Haven't you ever bent the rules to protect a friend?
Gee. Only about every other episode... *rolls eyes* Which makes me wonder -- what happens with this case now? Will they bend some more or bring her in as well?
Love the scene with all the guards "sealing off the exits", so to speak. Creepy to the max. And the score they used for this was, yet again, fucking perfection.
I've run out of words, it seems, because I'm damn sure there were more scenes I wanted to address originally, and I wanted to talk about Tony and McGee a bit, how it's astonishing that Tony even gives vocal hints that he feels bad and wants to talk, but McGee just flat-out ignores it... but yeah, all of these thoughts kind of got lost and feel blissfully unimportant, somehow, because other scenes really overpowered that all and my brain kind of got lost in all the beauty of them hurting and him telling her and her screwing up and then hurting some more... ah, god. This really was one of those episodes you didn't know you needed this badly... until it happened.
So, to wrap this up -- thank you, Mr. Waild and Mr. Binder, for writing a goddamn perfect episode. Thank you, Mr. Smith, for being a goddamn perfect director and doing the job you do best -- pulling all the goddamn emotion they have to offer out of them and throwing it out there for all of us to see -- and bringing it to a whole new level. Thank you, Cote and Michael, for being goddamn perfect and giving me a sheer rainbow of emotion that choked me and left me crying, all with just a few glances. Thank you, show. My life would be so much poorer without you. *sobs*