About NCIS 10x21 - "Berlin"
Last Tuesday, I did something I haven't done in more than three years of being in love with this show -- I stayed up and hunted around for a livestream and watched this episode while it actually aired instead of waiting another hour for the download.
Well, okay, technically I didn't stay up. I went to bed at 8 pm, set my alarm to 1.45 am, set up the livestream, screamed, flailed, slammed my palm on my desk repeatedly, then flailed some more online, and then I went back to bed to get another measly hour of sleep, until I had to get up again at 5.45 am and get ready for work. During that hour, I actually dreamed that I called my shippy-inclined co-worker and tried to flail at her over the phone while desperately avoiding spoilers... =_=
One fucked up night? Hell, yeah. But I figured if there is one episode I needed to watch while it happened, it had to be this one -- and boy, was that a good decision.
And apparently I wasn't the only one completely shaken up by this episode. My LJ statistics revealed a new record, one that humbles me deeply and makes me really, really happy at the same time:
5,500 page loads in one frickin' day -- or rather, most of them between 8 pm and midnight, for obvious reasons. That is... a lot. (Reminder: "Shiva" already broke the record before, and the day of that airing "only" added up to 3,500 page loads.) Even if you say, okay, a lot of people probably just came back over and over again -- there were more than 700 unique visitors tracked that day. 700, just coming to this site -- one person's blog at that, not a forum or a Facebook page or one of the TV-related press pages. (Kinda makes me laugh hard when I think about the antis constantly claiming that the T/Z shippers are just a handful of deluded people and a clear minority. Sure, lol. Whatever.)
It seems like a whole bunch of you needed the group support. And it makes me really happy that you guys came here, to share the love, to scream, to babble incoherent nonsense with me, or just to lurk and revel in the fact there are others just as shaken up as you were. I love you. And you're always welcome, okay?
Okay, enough with the mushy thoughts, and on with the show. I'll try to be coherent, but I'm already pretty sure I'll fail miserably, so bear with me. It's been a week, but I'm still not quite over this episode. I doubt I ever will be.
Let's begin with something completely shallow here -- I mean, the Mossad people in this episode? Holl-aaa! Most of us probably drooled over Ziva's "old buddy" but Amir, for the five seconds we saw him onscreen, was a looker as well!
Tony: I'm all business here.
McGee: Then stop gloating.
Tony: Well, that can't be helped. I saw the look on your face when Gibbs tapped me to go. You did a great job, though, helping Ziva track down Bodnar... behind my back.
McGee: Which is nice to hear you're finally over.
You know what? McGee deserves the gloating, because seriously! I was already annoyed with him last week, when he called Tony stalkerish in his (justified) concern and mocked him as if he were mental, but he keeps being a snide jerk this week, and it's reaching the point where he completely rubs me the wrong way. So, yes, Tony, please keep smiling like that and please keep rubbing it in. I don't mind at all that McGee gets to stay home and you get the girl. :P
Orli Elbaz, the new director of Mossad... now that was a more than pleasant surprise. I have to confess, I was just the tiniest bit anxious about this casting when they first announced it. Part of me was all over the place and remembering my Star Trek - Next Generation fan days and how I lusted over Counselor Troi in teenage innocence. Part of me, though, was also a bit nervous because I wasn't entirely sure Marina could actually pull this one off. Because what I remembered from her Trek days was... a bit bland at times, to be honest. But she did pull it off, and I really, really love how they completely led us astray with her character at first -- how she seems nice and pleasant and all idle chatter and more like a politician and anchorwoman at first. (A bit like early Jenny, actually -- making nice instead of making war.) How that seems to illustrate Mossad steering away from Eli's unpopular "old school" tactics... and how, in the end, you realize that the pleasantry is just a mask and that she is just as cold, ruthless, and goal oriented as Eli was. (Which isn't surprising, if she was with him. Makes me wonder which one of them actually influenced the other here. *ponders that thought*)
Ziva's reaction to her was an early clue: she didn't trust her one bit, and there was never the slightest bit of warmth in her face. Granted, a lot of that was probably based on the fact that Orli's appointment as new director of Mossad made her father's death even more final. Made it seem as if everyone except herself was moving on.
Her pose here broke my heart -- her hand kneading her wrist, she looks to the side and tries her best not to crack. And she continues to avert her gaze, until she is asked to join the conference. Yeah, she has some big, fat issues here, both with the situation and the person.
There's something fascinating about the placement of the characters here. Ziva chooses to be at Gibbs's side/behind him... and at the same time as far away from Orli as possible. Which not only symbolizes her personal issues, but also how far removed she is from her old life now... or rather, how hard she tries to distance herself from it.
Orli: Her independence lights up the room. You molded her well.
Gibbs: She came that way.
This is actually one of my favorite exchanges because it is the whole essence of what the Gibbs way of training his agents is about: he doesn't shape them to be carbon copies of himself, he wants them to be their own person, strong, independent, clever. Yes, he teaches them his rules, and he gets pissed when they break them -- because it affects their safety. Some people believe that he will enforce some of his rules at all cost... but he said it before (I think it was in a long-ago talk with Ducky, although I don't remember the exact quote or the episode): he just teaches them, he doesn't control what they learn from it. He told Tony before to not become like him, to learn from his mistakes, but this? This is the first time it actually sank in for me that, essentially, he doesn't "form" them all that much. He just tries to coax their best out of them. He gives the guidelines and hints to become the best person they can be. What they make out of his guidance, that's a thing he doesn't control -- and, imo, he doesn't want to. He needs them to think for themselves, not just repeat what he feeds them. He needs them to be the unique characters they are, because each of them brings different things to the team, and their differences, in the end, make them stronger.
My favorite Orli scene, though, is later, when they have her in interrogation and uncover her scheme. How she, much like Eli would have, plays the annoyed charmer, the smartypants who quips with Chaucer references, the unflappable badass from whom everything just slides off. I love how, for the first time, we see that there's more to her than the charming politician's mask. We see that she's been lying, and we see how she tries other tactics, like giving Vance a fake sob speech about Jackie. And I *love* how Vance reacts to that: Director Elbaz -- my wife is not a tactic. And that's when Orli's mask of pleasantries finally slips and we see that, yes, there is a goddamn reason this woman got that job. She's just as good at being stone cold as she is in fake sympathies and sweet talk. I really, really can't wait to see more of her, because that last scene, it whet my appetite, and now I want more of her and her badassery and the conspiracies she weaves!
As long as we're on the topic of Mossad... even during my late-night haze of watching this episode for the first time I was confused by Mossad just dumping off Amir's body like that, with no respect for the fallen whatsoever. I mean, we are talking about religious beliefs here that demand every body is buried as soon as possible so the spirit can ascend. We are also talking about a culture that values the concept of "no man left behind" so massively that during the training of IDF soldiers, some of them regularly have to play dead or wounded and are carried along as extra baggage, so the concept of bringing their brothers and sisters home at all cost is ingrained in their morals from day one. And these people dump Amir in the hands of a foreign agency like that? In retrospect, it should have come as no surprise that he was the real traitor and the one working with Bodnar...
Let's start out gentle on my shallow side notes this time, okay? I am so much in love with this shot... *happysighs*
...
Actually, you know what, let's just skip the shallow pool and dive right in on the deep end. *whimpers* Oh, god, baby. *licks screen furiously*
I love everything about this scene -- how Tony tries to talk about lighthearted things (and dammit, yes, I'd pay to see her rough up Orli, too!), how he doesn't press her for information and "respects her Bodnar boundaries", and how she opens up to him so willingly. I really adore how Tony seems content with a "back seat role", so to speak: now that he gets to be there, gets to have her back, he no longer needs to sniff around and hunt for clues and pressure her for information. He's in, and he knows it, and he gets to have her six, and eventually she'll be ready to tell him. He knows all too well that she'll be the driving force in this assignment, and he's content with that -- he settles for the role of guardian, once again. And Ziva, on the other hand, opens up so easily to him. It's almost as if she was waiting for him to pressure her, and now she's confused that he is letting her be and waiting for her to be ready. My gut feeling from the last episode, that part of her wanted almost desperately to tell him, but didn't because she was sure he would talk her out of it? Yeah, just like that it has a pretty solid basis. Now that she no longer has to hide anything from him, she wants to share. She wants him in. And I'm pretty sure he is the companion she is most thankful for, because he's doing the same thing he already announced in "Shiva": he wants what she wants, he wants what she needs, and he'll do his best to help her get whatever she needs.
AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT HER LOOK BECAUSE SHE KNOWS THAT?!
Okay, my only real issue with this episode -- let's tackle it right here, in an "oh god, it's the angry native!" kind of way: they messed up on my homeland so badly this time, I have no words for it. They took every fucking cliché that people not from Germany associate with my country, when in fact these same things are usually only found in Bavaria -- one of sixteen states we have, goddamit. And Berlin? Is fucking far away from Bavaria. It's almost the other side of the country. And you'll have a hard time finding Lederhosen, beer steins, or girls in dirndl dresses in a city that some people claim has the atmosphere of New York. Not to mention that to the best of my knowledge we do not have many night clubs that are actually named "Gasthaus", because that simply means "inn" and it would be fucking idiotic to name an inn The Inn. And I'm willing to bet a fucking fortune on the fact that, even though I haven't toured all of them, none of our classier night clubs will have German flags hanging around like this.
See, in Germany any show of patriotism is generally frowned upon quite a lot, unless it involves soccer games. Go figure. /sarcasm And even then, we usually just put these flags on cars, window sills and sports bars. Abby, later, "being with them in spirit"? Does. Not. Help. Because YET MORE BAVARIAN CLICHÉ CRAP. The only thing *not* Bavarian in this scene are the Spätzle, for fuck's sake. *fumes*
Okay. Deep breath. Back to more pleasant things... like, Ziva's old buddy Adam, for instance. ♥
Oh my, yes, I like him...! *fans self* And it amuses me a lot that he mentions Ziva told him "many great things" about Tony when, obviously, she hasn't really clued in her current partner, and said partner reacts a little frosty to that... *snickers*
Would be interesting to ponder about a scene where Tony tries to find out what Ziva told Adam about him... or maybe a flashback to those talks, because somehow I'm pretty sure she let more slip than she had planned on... :D
Ziva: You're not going to drink that, are you?!
Careful, baby. Your married is showing. ^_^
Love how Tony puts the glass down without actually drinking when Adam slips in the "common tourist" remark. Also love how he puts on his best manners and makes friendly small talk with Adam-the-stud instead of making fun of Ziva's old friend, like he usually does. Love how Ziva gets royally annoyed by him being all charming and how she tells him he can ask Adam out on a date later. *snorts* And I love love LOVE the look he gives her after that line:
And yeah, I also kinda dig how he clings to her side...
And while I'm at it, I believe it's time for a shallow interlude again, yes?
*whimpers*
I like how the video talk with Bodnar rubs the fact in that "things are not entirely as they seem". (I seriously cannot wait for "Double Blind" because I almost desperately want to know what's behind this whole story.)
Bodnar: Please forgive me and walk away. Vendettas lead to nothing but heartache.
I have to say, it makes the hairs at the back of my neck rise when I think that the last time they used the word "vendetta" explicitly was in ToC and Saleem was the one throwing it at Tony. Coincidence or carefully planted? We'll see, but going by other references in this episode, this may indeed have been intentional.
Okay, I just realized I have another gripe, even though this one is small-ish and I can write it off to them wanting a fast-paced scene instead of them just "staying put and waiting": I do realize the whole U-Bahn chase made for a good action element, but seriously? Isn't it an awfully big coincidence that the owner of the phone (presumably his brother) sits right on top of them? Also, yeah, McGee, you lost the signal, but don't tell me you picked up no identifying marks from that phone and you couldn't pick it up again as soon as the friggin train stops? =_=
McGee: Well, looks like their laptop is asleep, but I can take care of that.
So, wennuhpen remarked on that scene already, but she was so right about it that I feel the need to mention it here as well: That is a goddamn invasion of privacy. Force-starting their laptop/camera when the conference was scheduled for later, and then complaining that Tony wants to get comfortable for his nap? Yes, I realize this was one of the many references thrown in to "Under Covers", but seriously, this time they weren't under surveillance, they were in a private room, and McGee being a bitch about Tony daring to drop his pants while McGee fucking hacks his computer and shouldn't even see this in the first place... erm, no. I draw a line here. I did not like this. (Especially since neither Tony nor, even more importantly, Ziva had a problem with that moment. She was there the whole time, and she didn't comment, she didn't even glance at him, so why does McGee need to bitch?) Uhm, yeah. I kinda have issues with that, in case you were wondering...
Deliriously good things about this scene? Tony dropping his pants. Ziva not caring at all, as if they do that all the time. Gibbs just waving it off, as if they do that all the time. And, of course, them looking so goddamn married and caught in the act it hurts my little fangirl heart. ♥
And then Ziva's playing mother hen and telling him to lie down and take his nap now. And he's all tired and pliant and "yes, ma'am" and thanks her because she lets him take the bed and then she doesn't mind sharing it with him and... and... *whimpers*
*takes a deep breath*
As you can guess, I have many, many emotions about this scene. It is, in fact, one of those where I regularly end up shaking my head and saying, "Did that really happen? Like, really really?" So, in case any of you were wondering, too -- yes, it did happen. I got the screencaps to prove it. *happysighs*
Okay, so here's another tiny gripe I had with this episode (sort of): I may be one of the few who actually cringed hard at the sledgehammer "Under Covers" references thrown in here when he called her "sweetcheeks" and her remembering the case. Maybe because it's one of my biggest pet peeves in fanfiction -- both of them coming back to that one single assignment from almost eight years ago and rehashing both circumstances and nicknames. There aren't many things I hate more passionately in fanfic, let me tell you. And now it happened on the show itself? Yeah, I was like, "come on, was that really necessary?!" and generally not a happy camper. In retrospect, though, I can actually live with it because that didn't come up quite as out of the blue as it seems at first. Remember that the assassin couple they impersonated during that episode... got killed in a car crash? At the very moment when they thought their life would completely change from the bottom up and they'd do a fresh start and all that jazz (due to the baby on the way)? Yeah, if you let that thought sink in for a bit, it's actually quite brilliant foreshadowing for the end of the episode. Still hate the nickname rehashing, but can accept it now for the awesome reference.
Tony: I always knew you were the type.
Ziva: I am many things, Tony. A type? Not one of them.
Tony: Yes, you are. You're the type who likes to hang up her man's clothes for tonight.
Ziva: When I have a man, the favors I offer have little to do with clothes.
There are many things right with this scene. Like, for instance, the fact how they are both so relaxed around each other. Seriously, there's not the slightest hint of one of them feeling weird about sharing a room, sharing a bed, undressing and being around each other. They're just... they just are.
And then there's the fact that Tony actually pats the bed beside him when he tells her to get some sleep as well.
It was probably one of those automatic gestures that didn't really mean anything, but Ziva? Ziva glances at the pullout, and her face takes on this little girl lost expression, and then she looks back at Tony, and it doesn't even seem to take a major decision until she just lays down beside him. Again, like they do this all the time. *whimpers* And she keeps her shoes off the bed so carefully. ♥
And I love how she says she can't sleep. But the thing she can do is watch Tony, intently, like he's the one thing to ground her right now. Which, coincidentally, is the role he's taken on ever since her father was killed.
And the thing that kills me in this tiny moment -- it's not really that he falls into the same reassuring role he already filled for her in "Swan Song" when he firmly states that they'll get Bodnar. It's the fact that, while they lay like that, close enough to feel each other's warmth, while they look at each other in a way that is so much more intimate than anything they ever did before... he smiles at her. It's just a tiny quirk of his mouth, and it's hard to see because the camera focuses on her, but after she says, "I know", he fucking smiles at her, as if he wants to say, "That's my girl."
(Head canon: she does fall asleep after all, after he puts his arm around her.)
Confession time: I did love the dance scene very much, but contrary to 99% of this fandom? It was never something I needed. Sooo, I wasn't flipping out about it quite as hard as the rest of you guys, and it didn't get as much of a gut reaction out of me. In fact, my first thought when I heard about it was something along the lines of, "Oh great, they really looked at too much fanfiction..."
Despite that and despite the poor excuse for a night club, I liked what they made out of the scene, with Ziva focusing so hard on the chase that she almost blows it and Tony distracting her and trying to get her to relax and in the end actually accomplishing that... oh my.
ALSO, THAT FRIGGIN DRESS. *whimpers*
Tony: You realize you're gonna have to be the girl, right?
Ziva: Then you lead!
That was not only one of my favorite lines of this episode, it was also pretty much what their whole relationship is about at this point: she will submit, she will let him lead, much more willingly than he might think -- if he just steps up and actually takes the lead. Cote said it perfectly in this interview: "We usually see the woman from Ziva and the boy from Tony, and here we see the little girl in Ziva and the man from Tony." (And this is coming back perfectly to last week's episode and why she didn't include him in her snooping: she knew he would have taken the lead and would have led her astray and broken her tight focus. He'd have gotten under her skin so much deeper than he did after just one day in Berlin. She couldn't allow that. Not while she had a job to do.)
I admit, I felt very queasy at first when the dance scene cut to her flashback. Because seriously, she's in the arms of the man we want her to have hot monkey sex with, and she has daddy feels? *shudders*
Eli: One day you will dance with a man who deserves your love.
But just like that, it all fell into place and it worked perfectly for me. Because yes, for one, there was the quite obvious message being thrown at us here: that Tony is the man who deserves her love. But you know what? That alone didn't tickle me half as hard as everyone else who fell to the floor sobbing after that line, because duh! We've known that for years! To me, there are two things here that are much more important -- two preconceived notions she has dragged around with her for many, many years now. Two things that have effectively kept her from going forward, from evolving, from truly leaving her past behind. And right here, right in this very moment, we see her let go of these things, and we see her, for the first time ever, start to truly let go of a part of her past.
The first of these is one thing I have noticed before, but was never quite able to put my finger on: the fact that she always felt so... distant when she was with someone else. Yes, she did have intimate relationships, two of them verging on serious, long-term stuff -- but if you take a closer look, then you see that she was with both Rivkin and CI-Ray for about a year... yet from the way she acted around them, you would never have noticed. And that always confused me -- until now. Because now it's so, so obvious that she simply never gave them all she had. She never truly opened up, she always went into this believing that whatever she would feel for these men, it would never live up to the amount of love she had felt for her father anyway, and that held her back from truly feeling for anyone. (Which, granted, was probably a good thing, since both of them turned out to be bastards...)
Now, let this sink in. Let this truly sink in -- that Ziva David has never really been in love before, merely in relationships. And then take another look at this:
Is it just me or does anyone else feel like curling up in a corner now and whimpering pathetically...?
And then there's the other thing she puts to rest here: the notion that her father was this larger-than-life figure and (sort of) the one only one who deserved her love, the only one who would never leave her or betray her. (Which is kind of ironic, since this belief was the one thing that eventually led her down the Aliyah path.) Right then, right there, we have this scene of Eli saying, I don't deserve the love with which you look at me. He knew that his daughter thought of him as a much better person than he was (especially given that particular time, which was presumably around the time things started with Orli). He knew all too well that he wasn't the heroic, uber-human figure she saw when she looked at him. (And this is actually the moment where Eli's comment in "Shabbat Shalom" suddenly made painful sense to me -- how he wanted her to look at him with pride again. This was the kind of unconditional love he was talking about in that episode. This was what he missed. What he had gambled away, over the years.)
I think this is the first time it actually sunk in for her that her father was just a normal man, who had done some good things and some very bad things, just like every single one of them. Notice how at the end of the episode she says that, "he was weak". I firmly believe that this is a label she has never in her entire life put on her father before, no matter how hard she disagreed with him, no matter how much she hated him at times. And the fact that his mortality, his flaws, his faults truly sink in now -- I cannot stress the magnitude of this moment. Because it's the first step in actually letting her overwhelming grief go, at some point.
And as a side note -- I certainly didn't expect this, but this was a puzzle piece for deciphering Eli's character as well. Because my mind always struggled with the gaping hole between the Eli we have seen and the Eli he described himself as in "Enemies Foreign" -- the one whose house was filled with his children's laughter, the one who cared, the one we already saw a glimpse of during that "Shiva" flashback. It just didn't fit in my mind. But here, I think, we see almost the exact moment where he changes. Where he loses his family to a job that has turned him into someone else, where he chooses to give himself completely to said job after that, where he turns hard and calculating and does everything necessary to keep his country safe. And it doesn't really surprise me that probably around that time Orli entered the picture, because she seems a lot like the man he becomes later. I get why he turns to her and away from Rivka -- because Orli, on a gut level, understands the things he has to do, the ways he has to act, the sacrifices he has to make. She understands him, and she doesn't judge him for his acts, because she's willing to do the same for the sake of her country, and that's why this works.
And while I'm typing this, a second side note makes its appearance: as a consequence, I think this is also the birth of the Ziva we know today. The one who worked so hard on being the best and pleasing daddy. To win his love back. Because I think a big part of her always believed it was her fault that he closed himself off and went away and changed, much like a lot of divorce kids struggle with that loss.
...
I'll sneak in another tiny side note, of the shallow variety -- baby!Ziva wears cargos, too. And *coughs* she already has the killer bum. *runs and hides*
Love the whole twisteroo of the plot towards the end -- how they were actually chasing Ilan's brother Yaniv without knowing it, how Gibbs coaxes it out of Orli that she actually knew about that and that she knew Ilan was in the US all along, how they had led all agencies astray by carefully feeding them just a few selected surveillance pics. I actually love that tactic, and the way it comes to the surface, the way Orli's pleasant mask finally slips and she shows to what lengths she'll go to do her job -- fuck, yeah, I love it. This ended on a much more promising note than I had hoped for, storywise. I can't wait to see what they'll make out of this!
Ziva: Tell me, Yaniv -- what did Ilan have to do to win you back? You're not Mossad. This is not you. Look, I know you were supposed to take the diamonds to your brother. I also know that Ilan is still in the United States. Yes. We are close. And we will get him, with or without you. Do not throw away your life, too. Come on, Yaniv. Let us help each other. Where were you going to meet Ilan?
Yaniv: You would do anything for your family, even if they had done wrong, would you not?
Ziva: You wrote him off. You had not spoken in years. I do not understand this loyalty.
Yaniv: It never leaves us, does it, Ziva?
So, the thing is -- while we are well aware that this whole monologue from Ziva perfectly echoes her own feelings and actions after her father's death... contrary to most others, I truly believe she isn't aware of that herself. Look at her face while she says that she doesn't understand this (misguided) loyalty:
She really doesn't get it, if she looks at him. It's puzzling her, and I really believe that she doesn't draw the connection here. If he had asked her in that moment, "Right now you are doing the same for your dead father, are you not?", she would have looked at him all confused and said, "That's different."
Tiny scratch-of-the-head moment: yes, I know this was done for dramaturgical reasons once again, but they drop off Yaniv with Federal Marshals while they get to carry the diamonds? I... whut?
Ziva: It's funny. The things we decide are worth something...
Uhm, okay. We've reached the scene that melted my heart and killed me all over and then left me screaming at my walls at 3 am in the morning. I apologize if the following isn't going to be very coherent, okay?
So, yeah, the analogy comes almost brutally back to "Under Covers", when Ziva checks how a diamond would look at her ring finger -- how it would "feel" to be married. (Remember that the Rainiers were married when they were killed?) Love how Tony remarks that it looks good on her (= marriage would suit her). Love how there is a certain wistful note to her voice, as if she suddenly is no longer quite so sure that her path for revenge is the right thing. Love the quiet, calm, matter-of-fact way they talk, the whole time, as if this is normal -- as if they spill their guts and their innermost secrets to each other all the time.
Love how Ziva is already tearing up before she starts opening up to Tony and telling him about Orli and her father. Love love love how easily she lets him in suddenly. How she doesn't hesitate for a second before she tells him what's going on. Yeah, that realization that he's 'worthy of her love' (and trust) really changed things in her... well, at least for a little while, hrmpf. Love how it totally seems like he is parking at that corner not because traffic demands it, but because he's completely focused on her at the moment. How he doesn't drive on because he wants to see how she does and because she needs his full attention and because she needs the tiny break. And yes, because she needs his support.
Ziva: You know, I keep thinking if it was not for Orli, things would have been different. I would be a different person.
Tony: Then I should catch her before she leaves. You know, and thank her.
I... my heart is melting so hard whenever I watch this scene, and I swear, it doesn't matter how many times I have seen it so far. It just gets me on such a gut level that I don't have the words to describe just how hard I fell for this moment between them. How much I love that he grabs her hand for just a reassuring squeeze, but she is the one who turns her palm up and laces her fingers with his. How they hold on as if this is the normal thing to do. How she stares at their joined hands for a heartbeat before she looks at his face, and how he goddamn freaking tells her in that moment. And how he tells her that he loves her just like she is, flaws and cracks and damaged portions as well, and that he wouldn't want to have her any other way. Because she's good the way she is. Because he wants her the way she is. *sobs*
Love how she smiles once she realizes how good this feels. Love how he smiles back. LOVE OMG SO FUCKING MUCH HOW THEY KEEP HOLDING HANDS WHEN HE DRIVES ON. Love how they both look so goddamn in love and genuinely *happy* for a few, too-brief seconds. How you can see that she's still in tears when she says his name, and how you can see from the curve of his cheek that he keeps smiling at her like a lovesick puppy. And I love the goddamn intimacy of it all, that coming to terms with some confusing (and conflicting) feelings. God, that simple act of holding the other's hand... for these two, this is so much more intimate than a kiss would have been, I swear!
Sadly, I believe this same intimacy is also the very reason why she shuts him out again in "Revenge": because for a tiny moment she allowed herself to feel, her heart to take over, and BOOM, the next second she pays for it. Because the ones who get too close always end up dead.
I think waking up first and seeing Tony hurt is the thing that completely pushes her over the edge and drives her to "complete the mission" at all costs -- because he is the one she can't do without, and as long as Bodnar is out there, Tony is in danger. Revenge first, then love. Until then, she has to keep her heart under locks.
random love and observations:
"McMoneypenny" -- that has to be my favorite nickname ever for McGee!
Tony, planning a romantic rendezvous at the Trevi fountain (and thus quoting "Roman Holiday", among many, many other movie references that just made my geeky little heart swell).
Tony saying, "Nein!" *sporfles*
Ducky's outrage at the way Mossad treated their dead officer.
McGee, "keeping it stealthy"... or not. *snorts*
The spot in the park where Tom Morrow meets Vance? Uhm, that's the same one where CI-Ray proposed to Ziva. *shudders*
So, essentially -- one of the strongest episodes this season. I love it fiercely, and I love the plethora of emotions it brought out in me. Love that I actually started slamming my palm to my desk with each word once I saw the car coming, going, "No. NO. NO!!!" Love that there was an episode that left me screaming at my screen in outrage because I couldn't stop what was about to happen. Love that I am still a basketcase a whole week afterwards. And I love that I finally, finally feel like the show delivers on the promise it gave me with the Aliyah arc so many years ago -- the promise of great drama, of great pain, but also of intense feelings that slay me and choke me up whenever I make the mistake of thinking about it. After many years of idle, polite chatter, my angsty muses are finally back home and screaming at me in more outrage than I harbored while I was yelling at my screen that night.
God, I fucking love this show. ♥
Well, okay, technically I didn't stay up. I went to bed at 8 pm, set my alarm to 1.45 am, set up the livestream, screamed, flailed, slammed my palm on my desk repeatedly, then flailed some more online, and then I went back to bed to get another measly hour of sleep, until I had to get up again at 5.45 am and get ready for work. During that hour, I actually dreamed that I called my shippy-inclined co-worker and tried to flail at her over the phone while desperately avoiding spoilers... =_=
One fucked up night? Hell, yeah. But I figured if there is one episode I needed to watch while it happened, it had to be this one -- and boy, was that a good decision.
And apparently I wasn't the only one completely shaken up by this episode. My LJ statistics revealed a new record, one that humbles me deeply and makes me really, really happy at the same time:
5,500 page loads in one frickin' day -- or rather, most of them between 8 pm and midnight, for obvious reasons. That is... a lot. (Reminder: "Shiva" already broke the record before, and the day of that airing "only" added up to 3,500 page loads.) Even if you say, okay, a lot of people probably just came back over and over again -- there were more than 700 unique visitors tracked that day. 700, just coming to this site -- one person's blog at that, not a forum or a Facebook page or one of the TV-related press pages. (Kinda makes me laugh hard when I think about the antis constantly claiming that the T/Z shippers are just a handful of deluded people and a clear minority. Sure, lol. Whatever.)
It seems like a whole bunch of you needed the group support. And it makes me really happy that you guys came here, to share the love, to scream, to babble incoherent nonsense with me, or just to lurk and revel in the fact there are others just as shaken up as you were. I love you. And you're always welcome, okay?
Okay, enough with the mushy thoughts, and on with the show. I'll try to be coherent, but I'm already pretty sure I'll fail miserably, so bear with me. It's been a week, but I'm still not quite over this episode. I doubt I ever will be.
Let's begin with something completely shallow here -- I mean, the Mossad people in this episode? Holl-aaa! Most of us probably drooled over Ziva's "old buddy" but Amir, for the five seconds we saw him onscreen, was a looker as well!
Tony: I'm all business here.
McGee: Then stop gloating.
Tony: Well, that can't be helped. I saw the look on your face when Gibbs tapped me to go. You did a great job, though, helping Ziva track down Bodnar... behind my back.
McGee: Which is nice to hear you're finally over.
You know what? McGee deserves the gloating, because seriously! I was already annoyed with him last week, when he called Tony stalkerish in his (justified) concern and mocked him as if he were mental, but he keeps being a snide jerk this week, and it's reaching the point where he completely rubs me the wrong way. So, yes, Tony, please keep smiling like that and please keep rubbing it in. I don't mind at all that McGee gets to stay home and you get the girl. :P
Orli Elbaz, the new director of Mossad... now that was a more than pleasant surprise. I have to confess, I was just the tiniest bit anxious about this casting when they first announced it. Part of me was all over the place and remembering my Star Trek - Next Generation fan days and how I lusted over Counselor Troi in teenage innocence. Part of me, though, was also a bit nervous because I wasn't entirely sure Marina could actually pull this one off. Because what I remembered from her Trek days was... a bit bland at times, to be honest. But she did pull it off, and I really, really love how they completely led us astray with her character at first -- how she seems nice and pleasant and all idle chatter and more like a politician and anchorwoman at first. (A bit like early Jenny, actually -- making nice instead of making war.) How that seems to illustrate Mossad steering away from Eli's unpopular "old school" tactics... and how, in the end, you realize that the pleasantry is just a mask and that she is just as cold, ruthless, and goal oriented as Eli was. (Which isn't surprising, if she was with him. Makes me wonder which one of them actually influenced the other here. *ponders that thought*)
Ziva's reaction to her was an early clue: she didn't trust her one bit, and there was never the slightest bit of warmth in her face. Granted, a lot of that was probably based on the fact that Orli's appointment as new director of Mossad made her father's death even more final. Made it seem as if everyone except herself was moving on.
Her pose here broke my heart -- her hand kneading her wrist, she looks to the side and tries her best not to crack. And she continues to avert her gaze, until she is asked to join the conference. Yeah, she has some big, fat issues here, both with the situation and the person.
There's something fascinating about the placement of the characters here. Ziva chooses to be at Gibbs's side/behind him... and at the same time as far away from Orli as possible. Which not only symbolizes her personal issues, but also how far removed she is from her old life now... or rather, how hard she tries to distance herself from it.
Orli: Her independence lights up the room. You molded her well.
Gibbs: She came that way.
This is actually one of my favorite exchanges because it is the whole essence of what the Gibbs way of training his agents is about: he doesn't shape them to be carbon copies of himself, he wants them to be their own person, strong, independent, clever. Yes, he teaches them his rules, and he gets pissed when they break them -- because it affects their safety. Some people believe that he will enforce some of his rules at all cost... but he said it before (I think it was in a long-ago talk with Ducky, although I don't remember the exact quote or the episode): he just teaches them, he doesn't control what they learn from it. He told Tony before to not become like him, to learn from his mistakes, but this? This is the first time it actually sank in for me that, essentially, he doesn't "form" them all that much. He just tries to coax their best out of them. He gives the guidelines and hints to become the best person they can be. What they make out of his guidance, that's a thing he doesn't control -- and, imo, he doesn't want to. He needs them to think for themselves, not just repeat what he feeds them. He needs them to be the unique characters they are, because each of them brings different things to the team, and their differences, in the end, make them stronger.
My favorite Orli scene, though, is later, when they have her in interrogation and uncover her scheme. How she, much like Eli would have, plays the annoyed charmer, the smartypants who quips with Chaucer references, the unflappable badass from whom everything just slides off. I love how, for the first time, we see that there's more to her than the charming politician's mask. We see that she's been lying, and we see how she tries other tactics, like giving Vance a fake sob speech about Jackie. And I *love* how Vance reacts to that: Director Elbaz -- my wife is not a tactic. And that's when Orli's mask of pleasantries finally slips and we see that, yes, there is a goddamn reason this woman got that job. She's just as good at being stone cold as she is in fake sympathies and sweet talk. I really, really can't wait to see more of her, because that last scene, it whet my appetite, and now I want more of her and her badassery and the conspiracies she weaves!
As long as we're on the topic of Mossad... even during my late-night haze of watching this episode for the first time I was confused by Mossad just dumping off Amir's body like that, with no respect for the fallen whatsoever. I mean, we are talking about religious beliefs here that demand every body is buried as soon as possible so the spirit can ascend. We are also talking about a culture that values the concept of "no man left behind" so massively that during the training of IDF soldiers, some of them regularly have to play dead or wounded and are carried along as extra baggage, so the concept of bringing their brothers and sisters home at all cost is ingrained in their morals from day one. And these people dump Amir in the hands of a foreign agency like that? In retrospect, it should have come as no surprise that he was the real traitor and the one working with Bodnar...
Let's start out gentle on my shallow side notes this time, okay? I am so much in love with this shot... *happysighs*
...
Actually, you know what, let's just skip the shallow pool and dive right in on the deep end. *whimpers* Oh, god, baby. *licks screen furiously*
I love everything about this scene -- how Tony tries to talk about lighthearted things (and dammit, yes, I'd pay to see her rough up Orli, too!), how he doesn't press her for information and "respects her Bodnar boundaries", and how she opens up to him so willingly. I really adore how Tony seems content with a "back seat role", so to speak: now that he gets to be there, gets to have her back, he no longer needs to sniff around and hunt for clues and pressure her for information. He's in, and he knows it, and he gets to have her six, and eventually she'll be ready to tell him. He knows all too well that she'll be the driving force in this assignment, and he's content with that -- he settles for the role of guardian, once again. And Ziva, on the other hand, opens up so easily to him. It's almost as if she was waiting for him to pressure her, and now she's confused that he is letting her be and waiting for her to be ready. My gut feeling from the last episode, that part of her wanted almost desperately to tell him, but didn't because she was sure he would talk her out of it? Yeah, just like that it has a pretty solid basis. Now that she no longer has to hide anything from him, she wants to share. She wants him in. And I'm pretty sure he is the companion she is most thankful for, because he's doing the same thing he already announced in "Shiva": he wants what she wants, he wants what she needs, and he'll do his best to help her get whatever she needs.
AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT HER LOOK BECAUSE SHE KNOWS THAT?!
Okay, my only real issue with this episode -- let's tackle it right here, in an "oh god, it's the angry native!" kind of way: they messed up on my homeland so badly this time, I have no words for it. They took every fucking cliché that people not from Germany associate with my country, when in fact these same things are usually only found in Bavaria -- one of sixteen states we have, goddamit. And Berlin? Is fucking far away from Bavaria. It's almost the other side of the country. And you'll have a hard time finding Lederhosen, beer steins, or girls in dirndl dresses in a city that some people claim has the atmosphere of New York. Not to mention that to the best of my knowledge we do not have many night clubs that are actually named "Gasthaus", because that simply means "inn" and it would be fucking idiotic to name an inn The Inn. And I'm willing to bet a fucking fortune on the fact that, even though I haven't toured all of them, none of our classier night clubs will have German flags hanging around like this.
See, in Germany any show of patriotism is generally frowned upon quite a lot, unless it involves soccer games. Go figure. /sarcasm And even then, we usually just put these flags on cars, window sills and sports bars. Abby, later, "being with them in spirit"? Does. Not. Help. Because YET MORE BAVARIAN CLICHÉ CRAP. The only thing *not* Bavarian in this scene are the Spätzle, for fuck's sake. *fumes*
Okay. Deep breath. Back to more pleasant things... like, Ziva's old buddy Adam, for instance. ♥
Oh my, yes, I like him...! *fans self* And it amuses me a lot that he mentions Ziva told him "many great things" about Tony when, obviously, she hasn't really clued in her current partner, and said partner reacts a little frosty to that... *snickers*
Would be interesting to ponder about a scene where Tony tries to find out what Ziva told Adam about him... or maybe a flashback to those talks, because somehow I'm pretty sure she let more slip than she had planned on... :D
Ziva: You're not going to drink that, are you?!
Careful, baby. Your married is showing. ^_^
Love how Tony puts the glass down without actually drinking when Adam slips in the "common tourist" remark. Also love how he puts on his best manners and makes friendly small talk with Adam-the-stud instead of making fun of Ziva's old friend, like he usually does. Love how Ziva gets royally annoyed by him being all charming and how she tells him he can ask Adam out on a date later. *snorts* And I love love LOVE the look he gives her after that line:
And yeah, I also kinda dig how he clings to her side...
And while I'm at it, I believe it's time for a shallow interlude again, yes?
*whimpers*
I like how the video talk with Bodnar rubs the fact in that "things are not entirely as they seem". (I seriously cannot wait for "Double Blind" because I almost desperately want to know what's behind this whole story.)
Bodnar: Please forgive me and walk away. Vendettas lead to nothing but heartache.
I have to say, it makes the hairs at the back of my neck rise when I think that the last time they used the word "vendetta" explicitly was in ToC and Saleem was the one throwing it at Tony. Coincidence or carefully planted? We'll see, but going by other references in this episode, this may indeed have been intentional.
Okay, I just realized I have another gripe, even though this one is small-ish and I can write it off to them wanting a fast-paced scene instead of them just "staying put and waiting": I do realize the whole U-Bahn chase made for a good action element, but seriously? Isn't it an awfully big coincidence that the owner of the phone (presumably his brother) sits right on top of them? Also, yeah, McGee, you lost the signal, but don't tell me you picked up no identifying marks from that phone and you couldn't pick it up again as soon as the friggin train stops? =_=
McGee: Well, looks like their laptop is asleep, but I can take care of that.
So, wennuhpen remarked on that scene already, but she was so right about it that I feel the need to mention it here as well: That is a goddamn invasion of privacy. Force-starting their laptop/camera when the conference was scheduled for later, and then complaining that Tony wants to get comfortable for his nap? Yes, I realize this was one of the many references thrown in to "Under Covers", but seriously, this time they weren't under surveillance, they were in a private room, and McGee being a bitch about Tony daring to drop his pants while McGee fucking hacks his computer and shouldn't even see this in the first place... erm, no. I draw a line here. I did not like this. (Especially since neither Tony nor, even more importantly, Ziva had a problem with that moment. She was there the whole time, and she didn't comment, she didn't even glance at him, so why does McGee need to bitch?) Uhm, yeah. I kinda have issues with that, in case you were wondering...
Deliriously good things about this scene? Tony dropping his pants. Ziva not caring at all, as if they do that all the time. Gibbs just waving it off, as if they do that all the time. And, of course, them looking so goddamn married and caught in the act it hurts my little fangirl heart. ♥
And then Ziva's playing mother hen and telling him to lie down and take his nap now. And he's all tired and pliant and "yes, ma'am" and thanks her because she lets him take the bed and then she doesn't mind sharing it with him and... and... *whimpers*
*takes a deep breath*
As you can guess, I have many, many emotions about this scene. It is, in fact, one of those where I regularly end up shaking my head and saying, "Did that really happen? Like, really really?" So, in case any of you were wondering, too -- yes, it did happen. I got the screencaps to prove it. *happysighs*
Okay, so here's another tiny gripe I had with this episode (sort of): I may be one of the few who actually cringed hard at the sledgehammer "Under Covers" references thrown in here when he called her "sweetcheeks" and her remembering the case. Maybe because it's one of my biggest pet peeves in fanfiction -- both of them coming back to that one single assignment from almost eight years ago and rehashing both circumstances and nicknames. There aren't many things I hate more passionately in fanfic, let me tell you. And now it happened on the show itself? Yeah, I was like, "come on, was that really necessary?!" and generally not a happy camper. In retrospect, though, I can actually live with it because that didn't come up quite as out of the blue as it seems at first. Remember that the assassin couple they impersonated during that episode... got killed in a car crash? At the very moment when they thought their life would completely change from the bottom up and they'd do a fresh start and all that jazz (due to the baby on the way)? Yeah, if you let that thought sink in for a bit, it's actually quite brilliant foreshadowing for the end of the episode. Still hate the nickname rehashing, but can accept it now for the awesome reference.
Tony: I always knew you were the type.
Ziva: I am many things, Tony. A type? Not one of them.
Tony: Yes, you are. You're the type who likes to hang up her man's clothes for tonight.
Ziva: When I have a man, the favors I offer have little to do with clothes.
There are many things right with this scene. Like, for instance, the fact how they are both so relaxed around each other. Seriously, there's not the slightest hint of one of them feeling weird about sharing a room, sharing a bed, undressing and being around each other. They're just... they just are.
And then there's the fact that Tony actually pats the bed beside him when he tells her to get some sleep as well.
It was probably one of those automatic gestures that didn't really mean anything, but Ziva? Ziva glances at the pullout, and her face takes on this little girl lost expression, and then she looks back at Tony, and it doesn't even seem to take a major decision until she just lays down beside him. Again, like they do this all the time. *whimpers* And she keeps her shoes off the bed so carefully. ♥
And I love how she says she can't sleep. But the thing she can do is watch Tony, intently, like he's the one thing to ground her right now. Which, coincidentally, is the role he's taken on ever since her father was killed.
And the thing that kills me in this tiny moment -- it's not really that he falls into the same reassuring role he already filled for her in "Swan Song" when he firmly states that they'll get Bodnar. It's the fact that, while they lay like that, close enough to feel each other's warmth, while they look at each other in a way that is so much more intimate than anything they ever did before... he smiles at her. It's just a tiny quirk of his mouth, and it's hard to see because the camera focuses on her, but after she says, "I know", he fucking smiles at her, as if he wants to say, "That's my girl."
(Head canon: she does fall asleep after all, after he puts his arm around her.)
Confession time: I did love the dance scene very much, but contrary to 99% of this fandom? It was never something I needed. Sooo, I wasn't flipping out about it quite as hard as the rest of you guys, and it didn't get as much of a gut reaction out of me. In fact, my first thought when I heard about it was something along the lines of, "Oh great, they really looked at too much fanfiction..."
Despite that and despite the poor excuse for a night club, I liked what they made out of the scene, with Ziva focusing so hard on the chase that she almost blows it and Tony distracting her and trying to get her to relax and in the end actually accomplishing that... oh my.
ALSO, THAT FRIGGIN DRESS. *whimpers*
Tony: You realize you're gonna have to be the girl, right?
Ziva: Then you lead!
That was not only one of my favorite lines of this episode, it was also pretty much what their whole relationship is about at this point: she will submit, she will let him lead, much more willingly than he might think -- if he just steps up and actually takes the lead. Cote said it perfectly in this interview: "We usually see the woman from Ziva and the boy from Tony, and here we see the little girl in Ziva and the man from Tony." (And this is coming back perfectly to last week's episode and why she didn't include him in her snooping: she knew he would have taken the lead and would have led her astray and broken her tight focus. He'd have gotten under her skin so much deeper than he did after just one day in Berlin. She couldn't allow that. Not while she had a job to do.)
I admit, I felt very queasy at first when the dance scene cut to her flashback. Because seriously, she's in the arms of the man we want her to have hot monkey sex with, and she has daddy feels? *shudders*
Eli: One day you will dance with a man who deserves your love.
But just like that, it all fell into place and it worked perfectly for me. Because yes, for one, there was the quite obvious message being thrown at us here: that Tony is the man who deserves her love. But you know what? That alone didn't tickle me half as hard as everyone else who fell to the floor sobbing after that line, because duh! We've known that for years! To me, there are two things here that are much more important -- two preconceived notions she has dragged around with her for many, many years now. Two things that have effectively kept her from going forward, from evolving, from truly leaving her past behind. And right here, right in this very moment, we see her let go of these things, and we see her, for the first time ever, start to truly let go of a part of her past.
The first of these is one thing I have noticed before, but was never quite able to put my finger on: the fact that she always felt so... distant when she was with someone else. Yes, she did have intimate relationships, two of them verging on serious, long-term stuff -- but if you take a closer look, then you see that she was with both Rivkin and CI-Ray for about a year... yet from the way she acted around them, you would never have noticed. And that always confused me -- until now. Because now it's so, so obvious that she simply never gave them all she had. She never truly opened up, she always went into this believing that whatever she would feel for these men, it would never live up to the amount of love she had felt for her father anyway, and that held her back from truly feeling for anyone. (Which, granted, was probably a good thing, since both of them turned out to be bastards...)
Now, let this sink in. Let this truly sink in -- that Ziva David has never really been in love before, merely in relationships. And then take another look at this:
Is it just me or does anyone else feel like curling up in a corner now and whimpering pathetically...?
And then there's the other thing she puts to rest here: the notion that her father was this larger-than-life figure and (sort of) the one only one who deserved her love, the only one who would never leave her or betray her. (Which is kind of ironic, since this belief was the one thing that eventually led her down the Aliyah path.) Right then, right there, we have this scene of Eli saying, I don't deserve the love with which you look at me. He knew that his daughter thought of him as a much better person than he was (especially given that particular time, which was presumably around the time things started with Orli). He knew all too well that he wasn't the heroic, uber-human figure she saw when she looked at him. (And this is actually the moment where Eli's comment in "Shabbat Shalom" suddenly made painful sense to me -- how he wanted her to look at him with pride again. This was the kind of unconditional love he was talking about in that episode. This was what he missed. What he had gambled away, over the years.)
I think this is the first time it actually sunk in for her that her father was just a normal man, who had done some good things and some very bad things, just like every single one of them. Notice how at the end of the episode she says that, "he was weak". I firmly believe that this is a label she has never in her entire life put on her father before, no matter how hard she disagreed with him, no matter how much she hated him at times. And the fact that his mortality, his flaws, his faults truly sink in now -- I cannot stress the magnitude of this moment. Because it's the first step in actually letting her overwhelming grief go, at some point.
And as a side note -- I certainly didn't expect this, but this was a puzzle piece for deciphering Eli's character as well. Because my mind always struggled with the gaping hole between the Eli we have seen and the Eli he described himself as in "Enemies Foreign" -- the one whose house was filled with his children's laughter, the one who cared, the one we already saw a glimpse of during that "Shiva" flashback. It just didn't fit in my mind. But here, I think, we see almost the exact moment where he changes. Where he loses his family to a job that has turned him into someone else, where he chooses to give himself completely to said job after that, where he turns hard and calculating and does everything necessary to keep his country safe. And it doesn't really surprise me that probably around that time Orli entered the picture, because she seems a lot like the man he becomes later. I get why he turns to her and away from Rivka -- because Orli, on a gut level, understands the things he has to do, the ways he has to act, the sacrifices he has to make. She understands him, and she doesn't judge him for his acts, because she's willing to do the same for the sake of her country, and that's why this works.
And while I'm typing this, a second side note makes its appearance: as a consequence, I think this is also the birth of the Ziva we know today. The one who worked so hard on being the best and pleasing daddy. To win his love back. Because I think a big part of her always believed it was her fault that he closed himself off and went away and changed, much like a lot of divorce kids struggle with that loss.
...
I'll sneak in another tiny side note, of the shallow variety -- baby!Ziva wears cargos, too. And *coughs* she already has the killer bum. *runs and hides*
Love the whole twisteroo of the plot towards the end -- how they were actually chasing Ilan's brother Yaniv without knowing it, how Gibbs coaxes it out of Orli that she actually knew about that and that she knew Ilan was in the US all along, how they had led all agencies astray by carefully feeding them just a few selected surveillance pics. I actually love that tactic, and the way it comes to the surface, the way Orli's pleasant mask finally slips and she shows to what lengths she'll go to do her job -- fuck, yeah, I love it. This ended on a much more promising note than I had hoped for, storywise. I can't wait to see what they'll make out of this!
Ziva: Tell me, Yaniv -- what did Ilan have to do to win you back? You're not Mossad. This is not you. Look, I know you were supposed to take the diamonds to your brother. I also know that Ilan is still in the United States. Yes. We are close. And we will get him, with or without you. Do not throw away your life, too. Come on, Yaniv. Let us help each other. Where were you going to meet Ilan?
Yaniv: You would do anything for your family, even if they had done wrong, would you not?
Ziva: You wrote him off. You had not spoken in years. I do not understand this loyalty.
Yaniv: It never leaves us, does it, Ziva?
So, the thing is -- while we are well aware that this whole monologue from Ziva perfectly echoes her own feelings and actions after her father's death... contrary to most others, I truly believe she isn't aware of that herself. Look at her face while she says that she doesn't understand this (misguided) loyalty:
She really doesn't get it, if she looks at him. It's puzzling her, and I really believe that she doesn't draw the connection here. If he had asked her in that moment, "Right now you are doing the same for your dead father, are you not?", she would have looked at him all confused and said, "That's different."
Tiny scratch-of-the-head moment: yes, I know this was done for dramaturgical reasons once again, but they drop off Yaniv with Federal Marshals while they get to carry the diamonds? I... whut?
Ziva: It's funny. The things we decide are worth something...
Uhm, okay. We've reached the scene that melted my heart and killed me all over and then left me screaming at my walls at 3 am in the morning. I apologize if the following isn't going to be very coherent, okay?
So, yeah, the analogy comes almost brutally back to "Under Covers", when Ziva checks how a diamond would look at her ring finger -- how it would "feel" to be married. (Remember that the Rainiers were married when they were killed?) Love how Tony remarks that it looks good on her (= marriage would suit her). Love how there is a certain wistful note to her voice, as if she suddenly is no longer quite so sure that her path for revenge is the right thing. Love the quiet, calm, matter-of-fact way they talk, the whole time, as if this is normal -- as if they spill their guts and their innermost secrets to each other all the time.
Love how Ziva is already tearing up before she starts opening up to Tony and telling him about Orli and her father. Love love love how easily she lets him in suddenly. How she doesn't hesitate for a second before she tells him what's going on. Yeah, that realization that he's 'worthy of her love' (and trust) really changed things in her... well, at least for a little while, hrmpf. Love how it totally seems like he is parking at that corner not because traffic demands it, but because he's completely focused on her at the moment. How he doesn't drive on because he wants to see how she does and because she needs his full attention and because she needs the tiny break. And yes, because she needs his support.
Ziva: You know, I keep thinking if it was not for Orli, things would have been different. I would be a different person.
Tony: Then I should catch her before she leaves. You know, and thank her.
I... my heart is melting so hard whenever I watch this scene, and I swear, it doesn't matter how many times I have seen it so far. It just gets me on such a gut level that I don't have the words to describe just how hard I fell for this moment between them. How much I love that he grabs her hand for just a reassuring squeeze, but she is the one who turns her palm up and laces her fingers with his. How they hold on as if this is the normal thing to do. How she stares at their joined hands for a heartbeat before she looks at his face, and how he goddamn freaking tells her in that moment. And how he tells her that he loves her just like she is, flaws and cracks and damaged portions as well, and that he wouldn't want to have her any other way. Because she's good the way she is. Because he wants her the way she is. *sobs*
Love how she smiles once she realizes how good this feels. Love how he smiles back. LOVE OMG SO FUCKING MUCH HOW THEY KEEP HOLDING HANDS WHEN HE DRIVES ON. Love how they both look so goddamn in love and genuinely *happy* for a few, too-brief seconds. How you can see that she's still in tears when she says his name, and how you can see from the curve of his cheek that he keeps smiling at her like a lovesick puppy. And I love the goddamn intimacy of it all, that coming to terms with some confusing (and conflicting) feelings. God, that simple act of holding the other's hand... for these two, this is so much more intimate than a kiss would have been, I swear!
Sadly, I believe this same intimacy is also the very reason why she shuts him out again in "Revenge": because for a tiny moment she allowed herself to feel, her heart to take over, and BOOM, the next second she pays for it. Because the ones who get too close always end up dead.
I think waking up first and seeing Tony hurt is the thing that completely pushes her over the edge and drives her to "complete the mission" at all costs -- because he is the one she can't do without, and as long as Bodnar is out there, Tony is in danger. Revenge first, then love. Until then, she has to keep her heart under locks.
random love and observations:
"McMoneypenny" -- that has to be my favorite nickname ever for McGee!
Tony, planning a romantic rendezvous at the Trevi fountain (and thus quoting "Roman Holiday", among many, many other movie references that just made my geeky little heart swell).
Tony saying, "Nein!" *sporfles*
Ducky's outrage at the way Mossad treated their dead officer.
McGee, "keeping it stealthy"... or not. *snorts*
The spot in the park where Tom Morrow meets Vance? Uhm, that's the same one where CI-Ray proposed to Ziva. *shudders*
So, essentially -- one of the strongest episodes this season. I love it fiercely, and I love the plethora of emotions it brought out in me. Love that I actually started slamming my palm to my desk with each word once I saw the car coming, going, "No. NO. NO!!!" Love that there was an episode that left me screaming at my screen in outrage because I couldn't stop what was about to happen. Love that I am still a basketcase a whole week afterwards. And I love that I finally, finally feel like the show delivers on the promise it gave me with the Aliyah arc so many years ago -- the promise of great drama, of great pain, but also of intense feelings that slay me and choke me up whenever I make the mistake of thinking about it. After many years of idle, polite chatter, my angsty muses are finally back home and screaming at me in more outrage than I harbored while I was yelling at my screen that night.
God, I fucking love this show. ♥