On Ziva, punches and domestic abuse
This rant has been brewing for a while in me, and today feels like a good day to tackle it. It is, however, a controversial topic, and I fully expect some followers to wander off after I voice these thoughts, but in the end? I'd rather look in the mirror than at my follower list. Warnings for possibly triggering content.
So, ever since "A Desperate Man" aired, I was torn about the scene where Ziva throws a punch at Ray's face. Part of me was cheering and yelling "You go, girl!" but even while I rejoiced, a much bigger part of me cringed because I knew it would be more fodder for the ones who already called Ziva brutal, uncontrollable and all these niceties I constantly see on most online platforms. 'Ah, well,' I said, 'Haters gonna hate!' It was to be expected.
But after a short while I saw pro-Ziva people criticize the act, too, even calling it reminiscent of domestic abuse, and that's where I have to draw the line. Because yes, people have (bad) experiences, and people are triggered by the wildest things, I definitely acknowledge that. I also agree there's a strong emotional and physical abuse subtext in the Ziva/Ray relationship, but if you callZiva the aggressor in it? Honey, you're projecting it wrong.
Ever since I took a closer look at the Ziva/Ray scenes for my episode review I felt squeamish about how he acted around her, and I was left feeling so glad that she got out of that relationship at the time she did because it could have ended worse than any previous attempt she ever made - yes, even worse than Rivkin. Because that one scene in the park was enough to confirm my gut feeling that Ray, despite the good things we heard about him during the early half of last season, despite the way he made her smile back then, was not a good man. So far, Ziva had only seen the good side of him, the charmer, the generous guy who takes her out and pampers her. The guy who keeps his dark side consciously away from the woman he owns. (Notice my choice of words here, btw.)
But there is a very clear pattern to his behavior in this episode, and it's the pattern of a guy who is even now emotionally abusive and will, at one point, turn easily to physical abuse to "make his point".
It starts with the small things, like him calling and her jumping. With him stalking her at her job. With him setting up a romantic dinner and then standing her up and not even apologizing because hey, that's what's to be expected from someone with his job, right? She's the one who should show some understanding! (Notice the heavy amount of sarcasm I am using here.)
He continues the clear pattern when he puts the blame for the problems solely on her - she's the one putting up walls, she's the one just looking for an excuse because she doesn't want to commit and because she's having daddy issues, she's the one not giving him another chance "just because he screwed up once".
The thing is, he didn't screw up just once, and that was a conscious, deliberate decision on his part. He said, love, I'll never disappoint you again, I'll never lie to you again... just to turn around and do it in the very same instant, while he's still holding her and looking into her eyes. Even back in "Pyramid", he does this - promising her he'll never lie to her again and then doing it barely ten seconds later, when he gets a text message he can't (won't?) talk to her about. In "A Desperate Man" it gets even worse because the only times he is honest with her are the times when she calls him out on a lie.
Yes, I know some people might argue that the "Oh, honey, I swear I'll never do it again, I am so, so sorry!" he uses in this context is not the same an abusive husband utters after he has hit his wife for the umpteenth time.
BUT.
He's not that far from getting there. He's already manhandling Ziva and shoving and dragging her around against her will whenever she doesn't want to listen to his piss-poor excuses any longer. He grabs her arm and doesn't let go and fucking manhandles her while her whole body language screams that she doesn't want to be touched right now.
Look at these images and tell me I'm wrong. Seriously, look at these and tell me you can't easily see him raise his hand against her at one point, just because she won't shut up or talks back or whatever goes against what he wants at that point!
And after he has gotten her to listen to him with the use of physical force, he feeds her all the pretty lies she needs to hear to believe him just once more, to keep trusting him because, essentially, she wants to trust, because she wants to love someone and thinks he may be a nice guy after all, and maybe he really just slipped up, you know, maybe that was really due to his job, and of course he can't tell her everything what happens on his job, but yes, look at that, he wants to commit, he wants to settle down and make babies with her and give her everything Tony would never--
And that's the moment when something in us always flips. Because humans aren't made to let go of the ones we used to love easily. We're made to stick around, and we're made to cling, and we're made to believe in good intentions and happy endings. And that's why these lies always get us so easily: we can't stop hoping, after all.
This is exactly why they turned Ray into the killer and definite bad guy: because enough people would have not picked up on the emotionally and physically abusive subtext in his behavior. Because enough people, like Ziva, would have let him sweettalk them. Because they wouldn't have seen it for the train wreck it was bound to be.
And this is exactly why I will not be guilted into feeling bad about that punch she dealt out for him and why I will cheer "You go, girl!" *every* *single* *time* I see it. And so should you, because Ziva was not the one dishing out the physical abuse here. She was the one freeing herself from it.
So, ever since "A Desperate Man" aired, I was torn about the scene where Ziva throws a punch at Ray's face. Part of me was cheering and yelling "You go, girl!" but even while I rejoiced, a much bigger part of me cringed because I knew it would be more fodder for the ones who already called Ziva brutal, uncontrollable and all these niceties I constantly see on most online platforms. 'Ah, well,' I said, 'Haters gonna hate!' It was to be expected.
But after a short while I saw pro-Ziva people criticize the act, too, even calling it reminiscent of domestic abuse, and that's where I have to draw the line. Because yes, people have (bad) experiences, and people are triggered by the wildest things, I definitely acknowledge that. I also agree there's a strong emotional and physical abuse subtext in the Ziva/Ray relationship, but if you callZiva the aggressor in it? Honey, you're projecting it wrong.
Ever since I took a closer look at the Ziva/Ray scenes for my episode review I felt squeamish about how he acted around her, and I was left feeling so glad that she got out of that relationship at the time she did because it could have ended worse than any previous attempt she ever made - yes, even worse than Rivkin. Because that one scene in the park was enough to confirm my gut feeling that Ray, despite the good things we heard about him during the early half of last season, despite the way he made her smile back then, was not a good man. So far, Ziva had only seen the good side of him, the charmer, the generous guy who takes her out and pampers her. The guy who keeps his dark side consciously away from the woman he owns. (Notice my choice of words here, btw.)
But there is a very clear pattern to his behavior in this episode, and it's the pattern of a guy who is even now emotionally abusive and will, at one point, turn easily to physical abuse to "make his point".
It starts with the small things, like him calling and her jumping. With him stalking her at her job. With him setting up a romantic dinner and then standing her up and not even apologizing because hey, that's what's to be expected from someone with his job, right? She's the one who should show some understanding! (Notice the heavy amount of sarcasm I am using here.)
He continues the clear pattern when he puts the blame for the problems solely on her - she's the one putting up walls, she's the one just looking for an excuse because she doesn't want to commit and because she's having daddy issues, she's the one not giving him another chance "just because he screwed up once".
The thing is, he didn't screw up just once, and that was a conscious, deliberate decision on his part. He said, love, I'll never disappoint you again, I'll never lie to you again... just to turn around and do it in the very same instant, while he's still holding her and looking into her eyes. Even back in "Pyramid", he does this - promising her he'll never lie to her again and then doing it barely ten seconds later, when he gets a text message he can't (won't?) talk to her about. In "A Desperate Man" it gets even worse because the only times he is honest with her are the times when she calls him out on a lie.
Yes, I know some people might argue that the "Oh, honey, I swear I'll never do it again, I am so, so sorry!" he uses in this context is not the same an abusive husband utters after he has hit his wife for the umpteenth time.
BUT.
He's not that far from getting there. He's already manhandling Ziva and shoving and dragging her around against her will whenever she doesn't want to listen to his piss-poor excuses any longer. He grabs her arm and doesn't let go and fucking manhandles her while her whole body language screams that she doesn't want to be touched right now.
Look at these images and tell me I'm wrong. Seriously, look at these and tell me you can't easily see him raise his hand against her at one point, just because she won't shut up or talks back or whatever goes against what he wants at that point!
And after he has gotten her to listen to him with the use of physical force, he feeds her all the pretty lies she needs to hear to believe him just once more, to keep trusting him because, essentially, she wants to trust, because she wants to love someone and thinks he may be a nice guy after all, and maybe he really just slipped up, you know, maybe that was really due to his job, and of course he can't tell her everything what happens on his job, but yes, look at that, he wants to commit, he wants to settle down and make babies with her and give her everything Tony would never--
And that's the moment when something in us always flips. Because humans aren't made to let go of the ones we used to love easily. We're made to stick around, and we're made to cling, and we're made to believe in good intentions and happy endings. And that's why these lies always get us so easily: we can't stop hoping, after all.
This is exactly why they turned Ray into the killer and definite bad guy: because enough people would have not picked up on the emotionally and physically abusive subtext in his behavior. Because enough people, like Ziva, would have let him sweettalk them. Because they wouldn't have seen it for the train wreck it was bound to be.
And this is exactly why I will not be guilted into feeling bad about that punch she dealt out for him and why I will cheer "You go, girl!" *every* *single* *time* I see it. And so should you, because Ziva was not the one dishing out the physical abuse here. She was the one freeing herself from it.