(no subject)
Part of this post is intolerably emo. I have considered making it private but in the interest of honesty, I'm not going to.
So lately I have developed a case of intense self-loathing. For the first time I can remember, I like myself better physically than otherwise. Interestingly enough, this hasn't made me particularly insecure because really, if I don't like me why should I care who else does? At least we have something in common. In a similar vein, I feel slightly distanced from all of my friends because I guess they do like me and for a thousand reasons that doesn't make sense. (Did I mention this post is intolerably emo?)
What's also weird is that I have no desire to be anyone else in particular, or fit any kind of mold. I just seem to myself to be inconsistent among other things and hate it. And I feel either apathetic or amotivated towards changing me. Also if I were cooler I wouldn't think about myself enough to hate myself. But then... see? Vicious cycle almost.
Also I suck at school this year. My grades are worse than they've ever been. I'm late almost every day. I'm actually getting tested to see if I have a learning disability or ADD. I don't know if my drop in academic achievement and hating myself are connected or how.
Alright I think I'll step out of the emo corner now.
I tried out for another school play and, although I didn't get in, I got called back, and Mac (who directs all the school plays and thus has rejected me for all of them) said this was my "in" and that I "will be singing and dancing in West Side Story this spring". Yay! And (for the fall play) there are five chick parts. And for only one, three people got called back. So I made the final seven, and that's good enough for me. Also the girl who got the part, Amy Andrews, I honestly think will do a better job of it than I would have. I attempted to tell her that in passing in the hall but I'm pretty sure it sounded forced and artificial. But really. I like Amy and it's much more her.
I also decided not to try out for the BPA and Ovation plays which had auditions this week. Mostly because of lacking time. So it looks as though the fall play season will go through this year without any bitterness from my end. Lots of my friends are in them, too, so they will be fun to see. I also think I'm going to try out for this musical Recollections of Flight which premiered at BPA two years ago and Mac is going to direct there. No monologue is even needed. Wo man.
And I'm in a play reading of An Enemy of the People which is really good and timely if a little bit dry. It will be at the library at 3:00 on Sunday, October sixteenth and I think it's free. Adrian is also in it. And a bunch of adults.
I absolutely love Earth Service Corps. Our first couple meetings had huge turnouts with just exactly the preppy, non-hippie kind of people we wanted. And the old hippie returners. But we're trying to change the image of the club to encourage the masses to join. It's so good to be back. Also Cynthia and I are presidents. That's working really well thus far. Our projects are trucking along wonderfully. However oh my God there's a festival this weekend we're doing recycling for and I just called the guy from Bainbridge Disposal today because I never got around to it.
Not that it makes any difference in the real world, but I have changed my mind about boys. To some degree. And for all the wrong reasons. I decided that for me personally, the problem with asexuality (or whatever variant thereof I had decided to try) is jealousy.
I had another epiphany today which was we should change the "One nation under God" in the pledge of allegiance to "One nation under Canada".
I really really like certain new members (and old of course) of the debate team and I am really really excited for this year. I also need a Ted Turner partner.
My plan (which is funny because of how badly I'm doing in school) is to learn everything from the second semester of first year French and the first semester of second year French this semester so that I can go into the second semester of second year next semester. It's just verbs, vocab, and cultural information. I can so do it. It's not like I have anything else I should be doing (joke). French 1, although it is teaching me a lot, is frustratingly slow considering that they have to teach you how to learn a language as well as teaching you the language itself. And I can only hope five years of Spanish accomplished that.
I have an iPod now. It is amazing. My dad got a pretty big settlement from his accident and he got a new computer and I got an iPod. And my parents are thinking of renovating the kitchen. It seems so weird to use settlement money from a life-threatening accident to get a lap top and a new dishwasher, but oh well I'm not going to complain.
I have become moderately addicted to The Long Winters' first CD and a Magnetic Fields CD. Which I don't even have hard copies of.
I need to work on my self-restraint. And see more of Sean Fraga. And do more homework. And start being a decent person. And go to sleep.
I watched the presidential debate at the house of Brian, the twenty-three year-old Democratic Office "babe" and future husband of Rebecca Sivitz. Tonight's was disappointing because I just don't agree with Kerry on everything and so that can get discouraging, but more importantly I didn't feel like he really hammered his environmental plan which I have read and is awesome but he let seem not much better than what Bush had to offer. Which is ridiculous. But still he was fabulous. I can't believe the election is this close.
Alright there was some discourse on this on livejournal a while back, and I'm finally going to explain my point of view, regarding campaigning for Kerry. I don't agree with all his ideas. But much more strongly, I disagree with the opinion that because of this I should not work to get him in office or go to rallies or do anything except vote for him because he's better than the alternative. Because I find it really slimy to say oh, I want him in office but because our ideals don't match perfectly I'm going to let other people do my dirty work. I'm working on the Kerry campaign because I'm terrified of Bush winning and Kerry is the only realistic alternative, thus I want him to win and am being pro-active about it. Sorry that was poorly worded. Maybe I'll get better at this once the debate season starts up.
I'm going to freaking bed.
Unicorns and bunnies.
So lately I have developed a case of intense self-loathing. For the first time I can remember, I like myself better physically than otherwise. Interestingly enough, this hasn't made me particularly insecure because really, if I don't like me why should I care who else does? At least we have something in common. In a similar vein, I feel slightly distanced from all of my friends because I guess they do like me and for a thousand reasons that doesn't make sense. (Did I mention this post is intolerably emo?)
What's also weird is that I have no desire to be anyone else in particular, or fit any kind of mold. I just seem to myself to be inconsistent among other things and hate it. And I feel either apathetic or amotivated towards changing me. Also if I were cooler I wouldn't think about myself enough to hate myself. But then... see? Vicious cycle almost.
Also I suck at school this year. My grades are worse than they've ever been. I'm late almost every day. I'm actually getting tested to see if I have a learning disability or ADD. I don't know if my drop in academic achievement and hating myself are connected or how.
Alright I think I'll step out of the emo corner now.
I tried out for another school play and, although I didn't get in, I got called back, and Mac (who directs all the school plays and thus has rejected me for all of them) said this was my "in" and that I "will be singing and dancing in West Side Story this spring". Yay! And (for the fall play) there are five chick parts. And for only one, three people got called back. So I made the final seven, and that's good enough for me. Also the girl who got the part, Amy Andrews, I honestly think will do a better job of it than I would have. I attempted to tell her that in passing in the hall but I'm pretty sure it sounded forced and artificial. But really. I like Amy and it's much more her.
I also decided not to try out for the BPA and Ovation plays which had auditions this week. Mostly because of lacking time. So it looks as though the fall play season will go through this year without any bitterness from my end. Lots of my friends are in them, too, so they will be fun to see. I also think I'm going to try out for this musical Recollections of Flight which premiered at BPA two years ago and Mac is going to direct there. No monologue is even needed. Wo man.
And I'm in a play reading of An Enemy of the People which is really good and timely if a little bit dry. It will be at the library at 3:00 on Sunday, October sixteenth and I think it's free. Adrian is also in it. And a bunch of adults.
I absolutely love Earth Service Corps. Our first couple meetings had huge turnouts with just exactly the preppy, non-hippie kind of people we wanted. And the old hippie returners. But we're trying to change the image of the club to encourage the masses to join. It's so good to be back. Also Cynthia and I are presidents. That's working really well thus far. Our projects are trucking along wonderfully. However oh my God there's a festival this weekend we're doing recycling for and I just called the guy from Bainbridge Disposal today because I never got around to it.
Not that it makes any difference in the real world, but I have changed my mind about boys. To some degree. And for all the wrong reasons. I decided that for me personally, the problem with asexuality (or whatever variant thereof I had decided to try) is jealousy.
I had another epiphany today which was we should change the "One nation under God" in the pledge of allegiance to "One nation under Canada".
I really really like certain new members (and old of course) of the debate team and I am really really excited for this year. I also need a Ted Turner partner.
My plan (which is funny because of how badly I'm doing in school) is to learn everything from the second semester of first year French and the first semester of second year French this semester so that I can go into the second semester of second year next semester. It's just verbs, vocab, and cultural information. I can so do it. It's not like I have anything else I should be doing (joke). French 1, although it is teaching me a lot, is frustratingly slow considering that they have to teach you how to learn a language as well as teaching you the language itself. And I can only hope five years of Spanish accomplished that.
I have an iPod now. It is amazing. My dad got a pretty big settlement from his accident and he got a new computer and I got an iPod. And my parents are thinking of renovating the kitchen. It seems so weird to use settlement money from a life-threatening accident to get a lap top and a new dishwasher, but oh well I'm not going to complain.
I have become moderately addicted to The Long Winters' first CD and a Magnetic Fields CD. Which I don't even have hard copies of.
I need to work on my self-restraint. And see more of Sean Fraga. And do more homework. And start being a decent person. And go to sleep.
I watched the presidential debate at the house of Brian, the twenty-three year-old Democratic Office "babe" and future husband of Rebecca Sivitz. Tonight's was disappointing because I just don't agree with Kerry on everything and so that can get discouraging, but more importantly I didn't feel like he really hammered his environmental plan which I have read and is awesome but he let seem not much better than what Bush had to offer. Which is ridiculous. But still he was fabulous. I can't believe the election is this close.
Alright there was some discourse on this on livejournal a while back, and I'm finally going to explain my point of view, regarding campaigning for Kerry. I don't agree with all his ideas. But much more strongly, I disagree with the opinion that because of this I should not work to get him in office or go to rallies or do anything except vote for him because he's better than the alternative. Because I find it really slimy to say oh, I want him in office but because our ideals don't match perfectly I'm going to let other people do my dirty work. I'm working on the Kerry campaign because I'm terrified of Bush winning and Kerry is the only realistic alternative, thus I want him to win and am being pro-active about it. Sorry that was poorly worded. Maybe I'll get better at this once the debate season starts up.
I'm going to freaking bed.
Unicorns and bunnies.