I wrote a somewhat long response to this but it got deleted because the internet is whack like that. anyway, I had this whole long paragraph about dealing with that overwhelming weight of expectations you have of yourself or that others may have of you, and it was really awesome and inspiring and great... so I typically managed to somehow accidentally delete it.
anyway, much respect to the last commenter, but I don't think extreme self-deprecating impulses are particularly selfish or weak... they just kinda develop naturally over time when people with certain kinds of personalities are under a lot of pressure with no outlets. when you feel like you're not capable of providing what people think you are, its a huge weight both on you and the people who really respect you. it took me a long time how it was a weight on others, at first I just felt its because I wasn't meeting their expectations, but now I'm coming to find that it was more because I was projecting the idea that others expected a ton from me when that's not always the case. I mean, sure, some people do expect unrealistic results from others, but those who understand your situation won't... they just want you to see your own strengths. those are the people you need in your life right now. honestly, if the situation requires you being alone for a little bit and working your stuff out, that's what needs to happen. I personally went through the worst time of my life at the very beginning of this year and I wound up in the psych ward of all places, which was an incredibly surreal and awful experience (worse than jail, which I had the benefit of visiting recently as well). It was only in that state of extreme isolation that I was capable of confronting myself and figuring out what the hell was wrong with me. I spent almost the entirety of january, february, and march just laying low and working out my self-perception and sometimes not even thinking about anything at all and just being. I've come to find that the hardest thing to eliminate is that compulsive need to fulfill expectations, whether they be real or imagined... but eventually I just settled on getting rid of them altogether and just focusing on what I want to do and who I want to be. there is really no way that I can convey to you how you can do that, because I guess it's different for every person based on where they are in their heads, but I am writing you all this nonsense mostly to just say that it's ok to give yourself time. you definitely have a lot of strengths and beautiful aspects of your personality... even I can tell that and I mostly know you from this silly world of lj. I just think you should see that it's not in god's hands or your friend's hands or anyone else's to come to terms with yourself and find something that you really feel is worth loving yourself for. If you love others despite their flaws, you should give that same level of respect to yourself.
anyway, this comment is really really not as good as my last one was and I'm sorta kicking myself for that. sorry, I wish I could be of more help! just hang in. war is over (if you want it).
i was referring to suicide itself. not the expectations we feel we need to fill [we ALL feel that], or about being utterly alone. but suicide. the thought of ending your life COMPLETELY. think about it from an outside perspective, no matter how much termoil a person is going through, they obviously are not thinking about the other people that love them or who they are leaving behind to grieve. family members or best friends who would spend the rest of their lives wondering why.
ive already had a conversation with her, and although its not really a suicide note and just an outlet for her feelings i took it literally. like.."goodbye world". and tomorrow i would get a phone call from her family telling me the ONE person i can completely confide in, my future maid of honor is dead. dont sit there and say its not a selfish action, when it is.
I'm not saying I don't know where you're coming from, I definitely do... I just kinda think that telling people who are meditating on the idea of suicide that they are selfish isn't going to make them feel any less suicidal. I just think there are different ways of supporting people. I definitely didn't mean to intrude or anything or pretend to know more than I do about fab or your friendship with her than I actually do, because I really dont know anything. I'm just trying to offer a different perspective, didn't mean to interrupt! sorry =). much respect!
the thing is, i was thinking about the people i love and i think every person who commits suicide thinks about the people who loves them but at that moment it really doesnt matter. nothing matters except for getting rid of the black sheet that has covered your body and is suffocating you. im not suicidal, at least not at this second. but sometimes, its just really hard to breath and i had to express these terrible thoughts that took over my brain.
Suicide does one thing, it helps that person escape from hell. and lets face it, i doubt the majority of the population who actually kills themselves believes in hell. its just too complicated to explain.
I love you katie, even though you left me for chico. ;] I just need you back home soon, and knowing that youll be here will be wonderful. Ill buys us a bottle of wine, or two since im an alcoholic and well catch up and make love and blah blah. <3
come back my little piece of mind.littlerobotsApril 11 2008, 00:45:58 UTC
i need more people like you that understand where im coming from in my life. I think I just think/feel differently than other people. The people who call me stupid are just people that dont have the same feelings that I get and there is nothing wrong with that, were just all different people. But I know that a lot of people dont get into the crazy dark moods that I get into that make it really hard for me to want to even continue. like you said, it is for people with certain kinds of personalities. My dad is the same way i am so i got it from him.
i cant be alone. im scared to be alone. im rarely alone. I used to be such a loner but i loved it. i would always be alone and write to myself and think about life and i was a much stronger person. Now i hate being alone. I hate thinking by myself and i hate thinking about whats going on in my life. if ive gotta be alone then im sleeping that time through. I see my own strengths but my own strengths just arent strong enough because of the...world im stuck in right now. im stuck in a bubble. A really foggy bubble that nobody else can enter. Im nauseous and sick and weak and all i ever want to do is sleep. Its a disease i know ill get rid of but i dont want it anymore. Im just alone on this one for now.
Im sorry to hear about your experiences but in an odd way it seems like it was really good for you to jsut be isolated to be by yourself. you got to figure out all the things you need to think about. maybe thats my issue. I dont ever want to think about everything that has happened to me this year so i never heal. I just dont want to. Im not ready yet to think about it all. it is different for every person so im just gunna have to figure out how to step out of my bubble. Im thinking summer will help me. No school, just work and moving out. thank you for such a great compliment and all of your kindness and compassion. I really appreciate it. Its weird how knowing someone else cares and can compare to how im feeling makes me feel so much better. Even though we are mostly just LJ friends but sadly LJ has truely made my life so much better over the last nine or ten years.
God is a whole different story in this. I dont beleive in god but i guess when youre in that special state of mind where everything seems like its falling apart, i might turn to god or even blame it on him. I know its all up to me. I hate how ive become. I was such a stong woman growing up. But heartbreak seemed to turn into a million other things and i became a very week person.
and you comment was perfect. thanks so much. it made me feel incredible.
anyway, much respect to the last commenter, but I don't think extreme self-deprecating impulses are particularly selfish or weak... they just kinda develop naturally over time when people with certain kinds of personalities are under a lot of pressure with no outlets. when you feel like you're not capable of providing what people think you are, its a huge weight both on you and the people who really respect you. it took me a long time how it was a weight on others, at first I just felt its because I wasn't meeting their expectations, but now I'm coming to find that it was more because I was projecting the idea that others expected a ton from me when that's not always the case. I mean, sure, some people do expect unrealistic results from others, but those who understand your situation won't... they just want you to see your own strengths. those are the people you need in your life right now. honestly, if the situation requires you being alone for a little bit and working your stuff out, that's what needs to happen. I personally went through the worst time of my life at the very beginning of this year and I wound up in the psych ward of all places, which was an incredibly surreal and awful experience (worse than jail, which I had the benefit of visiting recently as well). It was only in that state of extreme isolation that I was capable of confronting myself and figuring out what the hell was wrong with me. I spent almost the entirety of january, february, and march just laying low and working out my self-perception and sometimes not even thinking about anything at all and just being. I've come to find that the hardest thing to eliminate is that compulsive need to fulfill expectations, whether they be real or imagined... but eventually I just settled on getting rid of them altogether and just focusing on what I want to do and who I want to be. there is really no way that I can convey to you how you can do that, because I guess it's different for every person based on where they are in their heads, but I am writing you all this nonsense mostly to just say that it's ok to give yourself time. you definitely have a lot of strengths and beautiful aspects of your personality... even I can tell that and I mostly know you from this silly world of lj. I just think you should see that it's not in god's hands or your friend's hands or anyone else's to come to terms with yourself and find something that you really feel is worth loving yourself for. If you love others despite their flaws, you should give that same level of respect to yourself.
anyway, this comment is really really not as good as my last one was and I'm sorta kicking myself for that. sorry, I wish I could be of more help! just hang in. war is over (if you want it).
peace,
andrew
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think about it from an outside perspective, no matter how much termoil a person is going through, they obviously are not thinking about the other people that love them or who they are leaving behind to grieve. family members or best friends who would spend the rest of their lives wondering why.
ive already had a conversation with her, and although its not really a suicide note and just an outlet for her feelings i took it literally. like.."goodbye world". and tomorrow i would get a phone call from her family telling me the ONE person i can completely confide in, my future maid of honor is dead. dont sit there and say its not a selfish action, when it is.
Reply
Reply
Suicide does one thing, it helps that person escape from hell. and lets face it, i doubt the majority of the population who actually kills themselves believes in hell. its just too complicated to explain.
I love you katie, even though you left me for chico. ;] I just need you back home soon, and knowing that youll be here will be wonderful. Ill buys us a bottle of wine, or two since im an alcoholic and well catch up and make love and blah blah. <3
Reply
and, ill only make love with you if its in front of a fire place and on top of a huge fur carpet thingy.
love you! and im going to see you sooooon! :]
Reply
i cant be alone. im scared to be alone. im rarely alone. I used to be such a loner but i loved it. i would always be alone and write to myself and think about life and i was a much stronger person. Now i hate being alone. I hate thinking by myself and i hate thinking about whats going on in my life. if ive gotta be alone then im sleeping that time through. I see my own strengths but my own strengths just arent strong enough because of the...world im stuck in right now. im stuck in a bubble. A really foggy bubble that nobody else can enter. Im nauseous and sick and weak and all i ever want to do is sleep. Its a disease i know ill get rid of but i dont want it anymore. Im just alone on this one for now.
Im sorry to hear about your experiences but in an odd way it seems like it was really good for you to jsut be isolated to be by yourself. you got to figure out all the things you need to think about. maybe thats my issue. I dont ever want to think about everything that has happened to me this year so i never heal. I just dont want to. Im not ready yet to think about it all. it is different for every person so im just gunna have to figure out how to step out of my bubble. Im thinking summer will help me. No school, just work and moving out. thank you for such a great compliment and all of your kindness and compassion. I really appreciate it. Its weird how knowing someone else cares and can compare to how im feeling makes me feel so much better. Even though we are mostly just LJ friends but sadly LJ has truely made my life so much better over the last nine or ten years.
God is a whole different story in this. I dont beleive in god but i guess when youre in that special state of mind where everything seems like its falling apart, i might turn to god or even blame it on him. I know its all up to me. I hate how ive become. I was such a stong woman growing up. But heartbreak seemed to turn into a million other things and i became a very week person.
and you comment was perfect. thanks so much. it made me feel incredible.
Reply
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