(no subject)
chris and I had a talk the other night about the way i sleep. the way i sleep now is for one, i dont like to be touched, and i like having my space to sleep, essentially i dont like to cuddle sleep anymore. but i used to love it. i used to always insist on being in the "nook". now i cant stand to be there. funny how things change. i asked him when i changed and he said after we broke up. which of course involved stan. so this made me think even more. i tried to figure out all the little ways i changed. its amazing how much i changed in only about 3 months. stan totally brainwashed me into this cold shell. i'm not at all like i used to be. i turned into him in some ways. it really pisses me off too that ive turned into him. all i do is push chris away. and i dont know why. i want that closeness i want that love that we used to have but i dont know how to go about it. chris and i talked last night about some things and he mentioned that i dont look at him the same, like i used to crave him, and it was true i did, and somethings happened the other day that i kinda expected, but what i didnt expect was that i didnt really feel anything. which really baffles me. something that i waited 2 years for happened and i didnt feel ANYTHING. i thought that it was just towards chris, but i really think its ME. its not anyone else. its ME. and that scares me. i think ive turned off all my buttons... and i want them back on dammit.