Etude of Memories
Jaejoong/Boa
1618 words;
Memories. Those small pieces of threads that connect you to the past, shape who you are in the present, and somehow affects how you see the future. They are those tiny little parts of you that you store into your mind, a private diary only you know, and only a few people share.
It’s one of those days. Boa stops the dance practice midway and asked to be drive home. She wants to sleep, and her staff cannot find it in themselves to stop her. She had looked like she wanted to pass out the past few weeks.
She fixes the baseball cap in her head as she races towards the waiting car. She shuts off the world after sitting in the car by putting on her headphones, closing her eyes for a moment as she savours the floating melody. Behind her eyes, he can see him standing in front of the microphone, belting the notes out, baring his heart out to the world unknowingly. He sounded so heartbreakingly beautiful that she wanted to reach out and touch him. But she knows that reality will come hitting on her once she opens her eyes.
Looking out the window of the car, she watches as the rain drenches the whole world. Lazily tracing up the raindrops by her fingers, she silently wonders if the world has gotten her heart broken too and the rain are her tears.
The problem with memories is that they stay the same, and remains where they are. In the recesses of your mind, in the deepest part of your heart, in that hidden box under your bed, or in that discarded stack of letters in the closet. You remember it. The people, the jokes exchanged, the smiles shared, the concealed tears, the late night confessions, the stolen kisses…every single thing. And sometimes you remember the feelings too. The ache in your stomach from laughing too much, the blushes you felt as heat rushes to your face, the nervous butterflies as you stutter the words, the painful stab in your heart as you let go without a fight, the warmth of his embraces and kisses. And you think that it’s much more painful to remember all these feelings than just seeing it as a picture slideshow, but every now and then, you’d stop and remember it anyway.
It’s one of those days. When Boa opened the door to her apartment only to be greeted by an ugly silence, the type that she usually didn’t mind, but somehow makes her heart sink a little more today. She throws her bag on the couch on her way to her room, strip, and lock herself in the bathroom. As the cold shower hits her, bringing the sweat and the smell from her body to the drain, she closes her eyes and imagine the world fading around her. If she can, she wanted the water to somehow bring the little pieces of unwanted memories to the drain too. For it to be as far away as possible from her, maybe it’ll end up in the pacific, maybe then she’ll be able to move on and forgive herself.
Some memories make you cry, others make you smile in reminiscence. At times, they’d fill you with such happiness and contentment and longing at the same time that you’d find yourself wishing it’ll all happen again. Then there are some that’d you just want to forget because it gets painful when you remember them. The kind that haunts you, that makes you regret things, that makes you doubt, that makes you question yourself and your choices. The type that you want to let go but you can’t, because somehow, you feel like there’s an empty void in your life without them. Because in the back of your mind you know that these are the memories that gets you through the storm, that made you stronger, that made you into the person that you are now. The kind of memories that you want to rewrite hoping that it’ll make everything alright.
It’s one of those days. She tosses and turns in her bed with sleep eluding her, that after another hour of restless turning in the bed she decided that she is way too tired to sleep. Her body is tired but her mind won’t let her be, it’s as if it is so intent to make her visit that one place she had avoided all these times. The recesses of her mind. The place where she stored away all their memories.
She got dress and found her car keys as she heads out. Boa doesn’t know where to go, but trusts only her instincts as to where it will eventually lead her. And it leads her back to the company.
Boa does not understand but she goes inside anyway. This has been her home for more than a decade, she probably knows every corner of this building, every nooks and crooks. She is walking up the stairs in the left side of the building when she finally realizes where her feet are leading her. As she finally landed on the floor, she finds herself face to face with the door she cannot remember when was the last time she opened. With her heart thumping loudly in her ears she reaches for the knob and turned it, making her way inside filled with darkness.
It is one of the oldest rooms in the hidden corner part of the third floor. Nobody really knows what it’s for, older trainees before had said that it was used as a practice room when SM first started, but was turned into a semi storage place when new rooms were built. It was Junsu who first saw the room and told Yunho, who then related the information to Jaejoong, who together with Yoochun turned it into a little secret base. And it was also Jaejoong who dragged Boa in there one day after an exhausting practice. They decided to put their dreams in there by writing on the walls and posting pictures and stuff.
The room has become dusty and dark, she believes none of the newer batches of trainees are even aware of the existence of this room, and that thought somehow comforted her. She has a lot of memories of this room, of secrets and desires she’d never spill to anyone but to his ears, of tears and laughter shared to the person he trusts the most, this place has become somewhat sacred to her and she didn’t want anyone crossing that border. She selfishly wanted to keep the memories to herself, no matter how painful they have become to her.
The lights aren’t working and as she adjusts her vision to the semi darkness she sees something on the wall near the window, something illuminated by the moonlight through the glasses. She makes her way there, and caught her breath as she finally sees what it is. It was a picture of the five young boys before the world knew them as the gods of the east. Junsu was sprawled on Yoochun’s lap, as the latter lie on Junsu’s back, the both of them in mid-laughter ; Yunho was on the farthest right leaning back against his hands, a painted smile on his lips; Changmin on his usual place, Yunho’s right, was in the middle of clapping his hands, his eyes mismatched; and then there was Jaejoong, in the center, his hands animatedly doing something in the air. The picture was old and obviously captured by a cheap camera, so contrast to the magazine spreads and photo shoots and even the newer fan pictures. The boys are also younger and much more unrefined than what they are now. But for some reason, Boa cannot take her eyes off of it.
Yunho was walking on the third floor hallways when the slightly ajar door caught his attention. A nostalgic warmth rush over his system as he silently makes his way over. The darkness that greeted him was expected, what surprised him is seeing Boa in the corner of the room near the window staring intently at something. He had heard that she went home earlier that day because she wasn’t feeling well and so seeing her in this room more or less confused him. He makes his way to her, careful not to trip over something in the darkness.
“Boa” he called softly at her but she doesn’t answer, even after a few heartbeats of waiting. Years of friendship, and a few pointers from her bestfriend and his former bandmate, tells him that she heard him and so Yunho comes closer standing beside her, “what are you looking at?” he asks watching her face so intent at something. When she doesn’t answer he followed her gaze and felt his heart stop for a moment at the picture on the wall.
They both silently gaze at the picture, both of them conjuring up memories from what seemed like a distant past. Memories they have forgotten along the time. Memories they have purposely forgotten to move on. Memories they wanted to forget but cannot.
Time has passed slowly, it was maybe minutes later or maybe hours or months or years that Boa finally speaks up, jerking Yunho out of his own reverie.
“You guys were so beautiful together.”
Yunho’s throat closed up and it takes another few heartbeats before he can say something.
“We were, weren’t we?”
Boa reaches a hand and traces Jaejoong’s features, “If I can, I will keep you guys together, like this…” and then her hand drops, as if the fatigue has finally hit her, “but I can only do so much…”
“I know.”
1618 words;
Memories. Those small pieces of threads that connect you to the past, shape who you are in the present, and somehow affects how you see the future. They are those tiny little parts of you that you store into your mind, a private diary only you know, and only a few people share.
It’s one of those days. Boa stops the dance practice midway and asked to be drive home. She wants to sleep, and her staff cannot find it in themselves to stop her. She had looked like she wanted to pass out the past few weeks.
She fixes the baseball cap in her head as she races towards the waiting car. She shuts off the world after sitting in the car by putting on her headphones, closing her eyes for a moment as she savours the floating melody. Behind her eyes, he can see him standing in front of the microphone, belting the notes out, baring his heart out to the world unknowingly. He sounded so heartbreakingly beautiful that she wanted to reach out and touch him. But she knows that reality will come hitting on her once she opens her eyes.
Looking out the window of the car, she watches as the rain drenches the whole world. Lazily tracing up the raindrops by her fingers, she silently wonders if the world has gotten her heart broken too and the rain are her tears.
The problem with memories is that they stay the same, and remains where they are. In the recesses of your mind, in the deepest part of your heart, in that hidden box under your bed, or in that discarded stack of letters in the closet. You remember it. The people, the jokes exchanged, the smiles shared, the concealed tears, the late night confessions, the stolen kisses…every single thing. And sometimes you remember the feelings too. The ache in your stomach from laughing too much, the blushes you felt as heat rushes to your face, the nervous butterflies as you stutter the words, the painful stab in your heart as you let go without a fight, the warmth of his embraces and kisses. And you think that it’s much more painful to remember all these feelings than just seeing it as a picture slideshow, but every now and then, you’d stop and remember it anyway.
It’s one of those days. When Boa opened the door to her apartment only to be greeted by an ugly silence, the type that she usually didn’t mind, but somehow makes her heart sink a little more today. She throws her bag on the couch on her way to her room, strip, and lock herself in the bathroom. As the cold shower hits her, bringing the sweat and the smell from her body to the drain, she closes her eyes and imagine the world fading around her. If she can, she wanted the water to somehow bring the little pieces of unwanted memories to the drain too. For it to be as far away as possible from her, maybe it’ll end up in the pacific, maybe then she’ll be able to move on and forgive herself.
Some memories make you cry, others make you smile in reminiscence. At times, they’d fill you with such happiness and contentment and longing at the same time that you’d find yourself wishing it’ll all happen again. Then there are some that’d you just want to forget because it gets painful when you remember them. The kind that haunts you, that makes you regret things, that makes you doubt, that makes you question yourself and your choices. The type that you want to let go but you can’t, because somehow, you feel like there’s an empty void in your life without them. Because in the back of your mind you know that these are the memories that gets you through the storm, that made you stronger, that made you into the person that you are now. The kind of memories that you want to rewrite hoping that it’ll make everything alright.
It’s one of those days. She tosses and turns in her bed with sleep eluding her, that after another hour of restless turning in the bed she decided that she is way too tired to sleep. Her body is tired but her mind won’t let her be, it’s as if it is so intent to make her visit that one place she had avoided all these times. The recesses of her mind. The place where she stored away all their memories.
She got dress and found her car keys as she heads out. Boa doesn’t know where to go, but trusts only her instincts as to where it will eventually lead her. And it leads her back to the company.
Boa does not understand but she goes inside anyway. This has been her home for more than a decade, she probably knows every corner of this building, every nooks and crooks. She is walking up the stairs in the left side of the building when she finally realizes where her feet are leading her. As she finally landed on the floor, she finds herself face to face with the door she cannot remember when was the last time she opened. With her heart thumping loudly in her ears she reaches for the knob and turned it, making her way inside filled with darkness.
It is one of the oldest rooms in the hidden corner part of the third floor. Nobody really knows what it’s for, older trainees before had said that it was used as a practice room when SM first started, but was turned into a semi storage place when new rooms were built. It was Junsu who first saw the room and told Yunho, who then related the information to Jaejoong, who together with Yoochun turned it into a little secret base. And it was also Jaejoong who dragged Boa in there one day after an exhausting practice. They decided to put their dreams in there by writing on the walls and posting pictures and stuff.
The room has become dusty and dark, she believes none of the newer batches of trainees are even aware of the existence of this room, and that thought somehow comforted her. She has a lot of memories of this room, of secrets and desires she’d never spill to anyone but to his ears, of tears and laughter shared to the person he trusts the most, this place has become somewhat sacred to her and she didn’t want anyone crossing that border. She selfishly wanted to keep the memories to herself, no matter how painful they have become to her.
The lights aren’t working and as she adjusts her vision to the semi darkness she sees something on the wall near the window, something illuminated by the moonlight through the glasses. She makes her way there, and caught her breath as she finally sees what it is. It was a picture of the five young boys before the world knew them as the gods of the east. Junsu was sprawled on Yoochun’s lap, as the latter lie on Junsu’s back, the both of them in mid-laughter ; Yunho was on the farthest right leaning back against his hands, a painted smile on his lips; Changmin on his usual place, Yunho’s right, was in the middle of clapping his hands, his eyes mismatched; and then there was Jaejoong, in the center, his hands animatedly doing something in the air. The picture was old and obviously captured by a cheap camera, so contrast to the magazine spreads and photo shoots and even the newer fan pictures. The boys are also younger and much more unrefined than what they are now. But for some reason, Boa cannot take her eyes off of it.
Yunho was walking on the third floor hallways when the slightly ajar door caught his attention. A nostalgic warmth rush over his system as he silently makes his way over. The darkness that greeted him was expected, what surprised him is seeing Boa in the corner of the room near the window staring intently at something. He had heard that she went home earlier that day because she wasn’t feeling well and so seeing her in this room more or less confused him. He makes his way to her, careful not to trip over something in the darkness.
“Boa” he called softly at her but she doesn’t answer, even after a few heartbeats of waiting. Years of friendship, and a few pointers from her bestfriend and his former bandmate, tells him that she heard him and so Yunho comes closer standing beside her, “what are you looking at?” he asks watching her face so intent at something. When she doesn’t answer he followed her gaze and felt his heart stop for a moment at the picture on the wall.
They both silently gaze at the picture, both of them conjuring up memories from what seemed like a distant past. Memories they have forgotten along the time. Memories they have purposely forgotten to move on. Memories they wanted to forget but cannot.
Time has passed slowly, it was maybe minutes later or maybe hours or months or years that Boa finally speaks up, jerking Yunho out of his own reverie.
“You guys were so beautiful together.”
Yunho’s throat closed up and it takes another few heartbeats before he can say something.
“We were, weren’t we?”
Boa reaches a hand and traces Jaejoong’s features, “If I can, I will keep you guys together, like this…” and then her hand drops, as if the fatigue has finally hit her, “but I can only do so much…”
“I know.”