the slow fade of love
I haven't cried in about three years, but I was sobbing for about an hour last night. I was up at the bar - we hosted a surprise party for my brother, Mike's, birthday. Gen had left me a message earlier saying she wanted to talk about some things. (And I definitely agree that we need to talk about some things...especially after last night.) I told her, though, that last night wasn't going to be a good night for me to do any serious relationship soul-searching, because of the surprise party and all...I figured I'd probably get a little drunk. And I don't want to have another serious conversation about our relationship while I'm drunk. It always seems to happen that way and it never comes out good. Anyhow, she ended up coming up to the bar and hanging out for a little while. And I had a good time with her while she was there. We were dancing a little bit and it seemed that all was going fairly well. Eventually, she had to go home to do some homework and study. I told her I was going to stay at the bar until my brother left...which took a lot longer than I expected. (In actuality, I was told that the party was going to be from 5 - 7. Being that he didn't even get there till about 6:45, it ran a little long.) Well, she ended up calling me two or three times wanting to talk about things. And, again, I told her that it just wasn't a good night to talk about stuff. The conversations got pretty heated and both of us ended up crying. And the bar is not my ideal place to have a relationship breakdown complete with crying. I tried to hide it, but it's hard to hide the fact that you've been crying for an hour. By that time, though, everyone was drunk and getting really emotional.
I had some interesting chats with my brothers, as they gave me their drunken relationship advice, which consisted of "fuck them bitches". And, normally, that's the advice I give myself. But I can't just say, ya know, "fuck this bitch". I care way too much about her and I've invested way too much of myself into this relationship. I mean, hell, before her, I had shut myself off to being emotional at all, because that's the only way you're guaranteed not to get hurt. I had to teach myself how to care and love again. I let myself become vulnerable again. And I'm not bitching about that. I think it's a good thing to have someone you can care about and feel strongly for.
I don't know. We definitely need to sit down and have a talk. Tomorrow is our 6-month anniversary. I'd rather not spend it crying.
I had some interesting chats with my brothers, as they gave me their drunken relationship advice, which consisted of "fuck them bitches". And, normally, that's the advice I give myself. But I can't just say, ya know, "fuck this bitch". I care way too much about her and I've invested way too much of myself into this relationship. I mean, hell, before her, I had shut myself off to being emotional at all, because that's the only way you're guaranteed not to get hurt. I had to teach myself how to care and love again. I let myself become vulnerable again. And I'm not bitching about that. I think it's a good thing to have someone you can care about and feel strongly for.
I don't know. We definitely need to sit down and have a talk. Tomorrow is our 6-month anniversary. I'd rather not spend it crying.