Evince
I dearly apologize for the onslaught of emails you have received, both now and I guess ever. Although I hope that this last one will illuminate things a little bit. I do not know if the things I am about to say to you, you are well aware of or not, and honestly that does not matter. The important aspect is that for the first time with you I am going to cease to be a coward and act an adult, and say what I need and want to say. (Though please note: do not be afraid to read because I might say some tragically untrue harsh words...because it is not at all what you are about to encounter.)
I remember that I once told you that I loved you. It was actually quite cowardly of me. I was feeling things for you that I did not think were possible. In fact they were things that I had always felt for you. It was not something that I could explain, nor did I want do. They were feelings that were completely unwarranted in all regards, but none the less... I remember we were laying in my bed, in my room...and you had started that silly game where we would like trace shapes or words on each other with our fingers and then guess what it was. I think I told you that I loved you in that manner a countless number of times, before I ever actually ever said the words. All I ever knew was fear; fear that you would think me silly, and naive, and stupid. Fear that you would reject me, because in that moment, there was no worse fate. Fear because I knew that my feelings were completely unexplainable. In my heart, I knew that you would not, could not feel the same, because there was hardly a notion for me to feel the way I did. I still, to this very day, do not understand my feelings then or now. I do not understand why I dream of you. I do not understand why thinking of you comforts me. I do not understand why I cannot forget about you, or let you go. I do not understand why I still remember moments in that short 6 day span as if they were yesterday; laying on the couch with you at Sarah's house during another one of Meggan and Karen's dance marathons...you touching my hand, my leg under the table at a restaurant...hiding behind a pole at the airport because I knew you were behind me wanting the first moment you saw me to be controlled by myself...driving you to Bloomington, I remember feeling you looking at me, and complaining about my driving, and having to pee actually...
Before I met you, I was this silly, stupid, impulsive girl. I really think it has a lot to do with passion, because in my eyes at least, passion and recklessness go hand in hand. It is the same reason, that I put as much weight in making love with someone, as I do fighting with them. I was the girl that was always trying to come up with some way to be compelling. In relationships, I always had the best surprises, the best gifts. In friendships, I was always the most thoughtful, the most caring. Life is, in my eyes about the little moments, the little things. I know, when I die one day, I am not going to look back and think...hmm...life overall...was pretty decent....but I am going to see and think of every small moment in my life that really mattered. At that point...regardless of whether life was pretty decent or not, my heart and my mind will be filled with every loving, cherished event and it will all be so much more than that. Now, while my thoughts about life are the same, my ideals, my wants, needs, and aspirations...I am not that same silly, stupid, impulsive girl.
For the longest time I thought that this had been stolen from me nearly 8 years ago. I thought that it was coming back to bite me because I suddenly found myself stuck with someone, safe, whom I loved, whom I had dedicated myself to forever. I thought this because for an unconceivable amount of time I used to have these sort-of "flash backs" (sorry, for the word--I have no better word for them). I have been with Tom for nearly 5 years now. I have been with him for so long, that I hardly remember what I did with my life before this time. But the years have not been good, and they have not been easy, and my situation now is only an indication of hard earned accomplishment. There were literally years where every single time we had sex I was filled with thoughts and feelings of when I was 17 years old, and losing my fucking virginity to a rapist. And after the fact I would cry myself to sleep, and go on with another day. Much like other things in my life, I do not understand the rhyme nor the reason. I only have the fact of its existence, and my own tragic hypothesis. What I know now to be true about myself is a complete lack of emotional attachment to the physicality of a relationship. But this has not been the case with every event, and every person in time. Regardless of you're own thoughts and feelings, on my part every time that you and I had sex, my heart was involved, and while this may seem odd, it is not something that I was FULLY aware of until recently.
The truth of the matter, my dearest Nate, is....that I in fact have been, am now, and will always be perpetually in love with you. I once thought that I had moved on and gotten completely over you. I thought that my utter loathing for your existence, was some indication of this truth. However it was a truth only propagated my my own heart and mind. My loathing, was in fact, only an indication of that which I already knew to be true about passion. My ability to hate you so readily, was simply a remedy to the opposite affliction. But with time, the hatred began to fade, and the truth was revealed. I think about you, more than I ever should. It hurts me knowing that I will never ever feel this away about anyone else. I will never love someone as much, I will never pine over someone, want someone, need someone as much as I simply want to have my life touched by you. I will forever live in the mundane, but I still have my moments...and while it will never be enough...I am saying enough.
I am leaving you alone because I feel it is what you want. You have never been very good with the return, and I am okay with that. For every person that offers too much, there is similarly someone who perpetually offers not enough, we all have our place. Please know that I will always be here for you. I will always be open, I will always be willing to listen, to speak, to be. I am a phone call (317-605-5711), an email(megandawn@alumni.iu.edu), a flight, a drive away, and you will never be less important to me than you are now. Also, I apologize, for this is a lot, and it most likely seems spectacularly crazy to you. I just, for once and all, want you to know what I feel on a daily basis, nothing held back, no regrets, no lies, no chance for a lack of understanding. Although my words now, still do not seem enough.
I love you. Forever and always.
Meg
I remember that I once told you that I loved you. It was actually quite cowardly of me. I was feeling things for you that I did not think were possible. In fact they were things that I had always felt for you. It was not something that I could explain, nor did I want do. They were feelings that were completely unwarranted in all regards, but none the less... I remember we were laying in my bed, in my room...and you had started that silly game where we would like trace shapes or words on each other with our fingers and then guess what it was. I think I told you that I loved you in that manner a countless number of times, before I ever actually ever said the words. All I ever knew was fear; fear that you would think me silly, and naive, and stupid. Fear that you would reject me, because in that moment, there was no worse fate. Fear because I knew that my feelings were completely unexplainable. In my heart, I knew that you would not, could not feel the same, because there was hardly a notion for me to feel the way I did. I still, to this very day, do not understand my feelings then or now. I do not understand why I dream of you. I do not understand why thinking of you comforts me. I do not understand why I cannot forget about you, or let you go. I do not understand why I still remember moments in that short 6 day span as if they were yesterday; laying on the couch with you at Sarah's house during another one of Meggan and Karen's dance marathons...you touching my hand, my leg under the table at a restaurant...hiding behind a pole at the airport because I knew you were behind me wanting the first moment you saw me to be controlled by myself...driving you to Bloomington, I remember feeling you looking at me, and complaining about my driving, and having to pee actually...
Before I met you, I was this silly, stupid, impulsive girl. I really think it has a lot to do with passion, because in my eyes at least, passion and recklessness go hand in hand. It is the same reason, that I put as much weight in making love with someone, as I do fighting with them. I was the girl that was always trying to come up with some way to be compelling. In relationships, I always had the best surprises, the best gifts. In friendships, I was always the most thoughtful, the most caring. Life is, in my eyes about the little moments, the little things. I know, when I die one day, I am not going to look back and think...hmm...life overall...was pretty decent....but I am going to see and think of every small moment in my life that really mattered. At that point...regardless of whether life was pretty decent or not, my heart and my mind will be filled with every loving, cherished event and it will all be so much more than that. Now, while my thoughts about life are the same, my ideals, my wants, needs, and aspirations...I am not that same silly, stupid, impulsive girl.
For the longest time I thought that this had been stolen from me nearly 8 years ago. I thought that it was coming back to bite me because I suddenly found myself stuck with someone, safe, whom I loved, whom I had dedicated myself to forever. I thought this because for an unconceivable amount of time I used to have these sort-of "flash backs" (sorry, for the word--I have no better word for them). I have been with Tom for nearly 5 years now. I have been with him for so long, that I hardly remember what I did with my life before this time. But the years have not been good, and they have not been easy, and my situation now is only an indication of hard earned accomplishment. There were literally years where every single time we had sex I was filled with thoughts and feelings of when I was 17 years old, and losing my fucking virginity to a rapist. And after the fact I would cry myself to sleep, and go on with another day. Much like other things in my life, I do not understand the rhyme nor the reason. I only have the fact of its existence, and my own tragic hypothesis. What I know now to be true about myself is a complete lack of emotional attachment to the physicality of a relationship. But this has not been the case with every event, and every person in time. Regardless of you're own thoughts and feelings, on my part every time that you and I had sex, my heart was involved, and while this may seem odd, it is not something that I was FULLY aware of until recently.
The truth of the matter, my dearest Nate, is....that I in fact have been, am now, and will always be perpetually in love with you. I once thought that I had moved on and gotten completely over you. I thought that my utter loathing for your existence, was some indication of this truth. However it was a truth only propagated my my own heart and mind. My loathing, was in fact, only an indication of that which I already knew to be true about passion. My ability to hate you so readily, was simply a remedy to the opposite affliction. But with time, the hatred began to fade, and the truth was revealed. I think about you, more than I ever should. It hurts me knowing that I will never ever feel this away about anyone else. I will never love someone as much, I will never pine over someone, want someone, need someone as much as I simply want to have my life touched by you. I will forever live in the mundane, but I still have my moments...and while it will never be enough...I am saying enough.
I am leaving you alone because I feel it is what you want. You have never been very good with the return, and I am okay with that. For every person that offers too much, there is similarly someone who perpetually offers not enough, we all have our place. Please know that I will always be here for you. I will always be open, I will always be willing to listen, to speak, to be. I am a phone call (317-605-5711), an email(megandawn@alumni.iu.edu), a flight, a drive away, and you will never be less important to me than you are now. Also, I apologize, for this is a lot, and it most likely seems spectacularly crazy to you. I just, for once and all, want you to know what I feel on a daily basis, nothing held back, no regrets, no lies, no chance for a lack of understanding. Although my words now, still do not seem enough.
I love you. Forever and always.
Meg