Almost 5 years later...
Wow. I miss you, LJ. I may be making a new account to reflect my new and more mature lifestyle. But I am still rather little.
I miss the way lj allows for the stream of consciousness and free flow of ideas and reflection with selected audiences, without the posts getting lost among internet memes or other less interesting updates. (FB... I think I will keep you for networking only. And memes-but not personal reflection.)
In the last 5 years, ...
2008 Summer - I lived on a couch in Bernal Heights in San Francisco and overcame my fears of urban transit and street smarts (at least during the day time). I learned the joys of the cable cars, walking EVERYWHERE, blues dancing, and bonfires at the beach at the end of the Golden Gate Park. I did some childcare for a company that has employees in different cities who work the daycare room for children while their parents attend workshops - including a conference for children with rare disorders such as Cardio-Facio-Cutaneous (CFC) Syndrome and Noonan's Syndrome. It was quite the summer. I thoroughly enjoyed this social highpoint of wanderlust.
I ended up taking a job in Central Arizona - the "liberal" town of Prescott. And off I went...
2008-2009 School year - ARIZONA- My first year of teaching with my own classroom, and I had a very challenging class of 3rd graders whom I loved dearly. They pushed me to the edge, and also gifted me with some much-needed coping skills along the way. I think I did the most growing up of my life during that year (up until 2012, anyways). I did plenty of hiking; learned some Shamanic Journeying techniques from my now-adoptive big sister, Jan; ate lots of artichoke dip and soft pretzels at the Brew Pub; became very involved at the Granite Peak UU Church - serving on several committees, attending classes, and singing in the pick-up choir- and found a true spiritual home away from home there; lived on the edge of a national forest where I broke through my fear of being alone during the day on a brief adventure (since my biking assault in 2006); worked on the 2008 election campaign from the Democratic office in town and felt the joy in the room the night of the election - dispite McCain having been on the courthouse steps the night before; experienced 2 feet of snow at Valentine's Day when I thought I had escaped such abominable weather; developed a deep friendship with my landlady & neighbor; climbed halfway down the Bright Angel trail of the Grand Canyon and back out in one day - including driving to and from our town 2 and 1/2 hours away; had a chipmunk (and mice) living in my wall and a baby chipmunk under my fridge; and left the dog door open for the elderly black cat, Luna, to come and go as she pleased and keep me company. But by the end of the year and some hard lessons in life -personal and professional- I realized I was just too far away from family (mom was closest and she was 13 hours away by car). So I made plans to move back to the Bay Area.
2009 Summer - I returned to the bay with nowhere to live and no job, leaving most of my possessions in storage. I went to the UUA General Assembley in Salt Lake City, and had a wonderful time. I moved from friend's house to friend's house every few days for a number of weeks, and felt somewhat jealous of the homeless folk because they had the courage to lay down and sleep wherever they found a comfy spot - but I still held such fear of being unconscious around strangers, and I was soooo tired. I eventually returned to the same friendly couch that I had resided upon before - and developed some strong friendships along the way. Then I got the job I had been hoping for up in West Marin at a rural and very progressive public school. I was only at 80% pay, but it was in the countryside and I felt at home there. I spent the rest of the summer preparing plans for the year with other staff members, and painting my classroom, building desks/tables, and turning the room around to be ready for 1st grade. I moved into an apartment (still one of my favorites thusfar) with my friend just before the start of the school year.
2009-2010 School Year -
I taught 1st grade to 9 children, and reiterated the fact that a smaller class is not always better. The whole class received OT due to professionals’ observation that it would benefit the majority of them. I loved working with my colleagues, and enjoyed going home to the farmer’s market on Wednesday afternoons. Hiking to the redwoods and back every Friday with my class and eating lunch under the trees and playing in the puddles was magick. I started BTSA (beginning teacher coursework for CA) with a provider that I drove to 1/2 hour each way once a week for an hour meeting.
I got to know my sweet neighbor across the hall who fed me in exchange for watching her sweet puppy-dog whenever needed. Had my second roommate in the late winter of 2010- who also got me to start doing yoga at that time. I flew home for Christmas and spent much of my time driving to and fro to visit my alma mater, family, and friends.
There were many trips to Davis to visit my young, but entertaining and intelligent friends. Often on the way to and from Reno, I would stay a night or two to get some socializing in. There was not much to be had in Marin due to the economic disparity of the well off being older with young children, and the less well off being students or young professionals spending most of their time in the city. It started in January when I needed a place to stay while attending a Waldorf public-school conference in Sacramento. There were other incentives/perks that kept me visiting Davis initially, but out of those visits there grew many friendships that I still maintain at present. Davis became my new home-away-from-home, as my SF friends were either moving away/back East or entirely too busy (plus crossing the Golden Gate Bridge gets to be expensive in tolls and gas if you do it too often).
2010 Summer - Dad came out to visit, and we went and saw “Inception” in Petaluma, visited the Exploratorium, went to get real Chinese food in Chinatown, and exposed him to the mighty redwoods at Samuel P. Taylor Park. I also went down to San Diego with mom and my stepdad, visiting mom’s best friend from that area (who is now my Other Mother in her absence), and shifting my stepdad’s perspective of me from my teenage self to the adult I was becoming. (We also listened to “Barry Trotter and the Unauthorized Parody” on the way down in the car from Reno, which is quite fantastic if you are a Harry Potter fan.) I spent the better part of 3 weeks of the summer enjoying the company of my mom’s friend’s son - who was out West visiting/catsitting while his mom went away on a cruise. This was the start of my wine-acceptance. He took me wine-tasting with his friends, we went on an ACTUAL date (“actual” because I recognized it as a date before I went on it - which I am known to be oblivious to in general), and explored some great restaurants and hiking spots in the Bay Area. My adopted big-sister visited my mom on her way North with her son, and that was a wonderful (and quite possibly tipsy) evening together with Italian food and giggly shopping sprees. I went camping with my dear friend from the East Bay (also a UU young adult) and enjoyed hiking and being in the woods under the stars, where my manfriend came to visit me the night before he took off for home by plane. It was a magical summer. Lots of traveling, for certain.
2010-2011 School Year - I taught Kindergarten with my favorite assistant to date, as well as 1st grade main academics, 1st grade painting, 1st/2nd grade games class, 4th grade painting & drawing, and then some 3rd grade painting/drawing towards the end of the year. I had a different lunch schedule from everyone else, but was co-president of my teacher’s union (even though I was a partially temporary employee), attended many meetings and committees and rain several meetings. I went to board meetings, did home visits with the kids, finished BTSA with a different provider - even though I adored my provider from the last year, fell in love with kindergarten, enjoyed the thrills of co-teaching while enduring the challenges of the same... and bonded deeply with the staff in other programs to build bridges between our kiddos. (The previous summer, I had been on the hiring committee for the new principal of our district; I greatly appreciated our principal’s strength this year.) I flew home for my best friend from college’s wedding to be a bridesmaid at the end of September/early October. Less than 48 hours on the ground on the East Coast before returning back to CA to be sure I got to work that Monday. One of the most memorable nights of my life with amazing people. I stayed out in CA for the Winter Holidays, and had my first SolsticeTree of my own; it was beautiful. And I started reading up on Montessori so that I could better articulate the differences between Montessori and Waldorf philosophies.
2011 April/May into Summer - After my explorations into Montessori philosophy, hearing that my roommate was moving out to be closer to work/school/life, and accepting the reality of my position being cut to 0.6 FTE (60% of full time) for the following year ... I decided to put everything in storage while doing my job-hunts. I decided to keep myself sane and enroll in a 7 week intensive teacher training program in the South Bay for Montessori Elementary credentialing through AMS (American Montessori Society). I moved to San Jose with a dear friend from my Circle who was kind enough to offer me her hospitality, was with her through her sister’s suicide in the basement of the same house (while my clothes were in the dryer/on the line in the same room - luckily intuition kept me from going to retrieve them), stayed on as support for my friend, and then was offered refuge by another hospitable couple from my work with the UU church. So I moved further up the Peninsula and did some housesitting for the last 3 weeks of my training.
This was my UN-SUMMER - where I started training the day after school ended, moved the following day, had classes 5 or 6 days a week from 8am to 6pm - not including commuter traffic -, and started work at my new job the Monday after the Friday our classes finished. Thank goodness for mom helping me move and taking care of me, as well as for my friends who came and helped me finish packing my life away. And for my dear co-worker who let me store my belongings in his barn for free for the 3 months that I was without a permanent residence. (I moved about 5 times that summer - including 3 weeks after school started because my apartment would not be ready until then... college town leases drive me crazy!)
Did I mention that I managed to sprain my right ankle really badly pushing the kiddos on the tire swing at school the second to last day of school??? That put a cramp in my packing schedule due to needing to elevate and not bear weight. I was on crutches and in a boot for several weeks before moving to an air cast, and then a simpler brace. (It was about 6 months before my ankle began to feel back to normal... which meant 6 months without yoga! *sadness*) So there were many things to be done, including visiting many doctors and OccMed appointments due to the injury occuring at work.
But I bonded with my cohort in both groups, and especially the upper elementary group. We went out for food on Fridays after class, we spent the 4th of July together at one person’s house down near Monterey, we went to an SF Giants game after class one day, and we went out on one person’s family yacht the day after class ended! I have stayed in touch with many of these people still... and it is nice to have folks on the West Coast that I can talk education with from a holistic perspective who are in my peer group.
2011-2012 School Year - Started my new job with a bad case of bronchitis on the first day and trying to assemble my room from scratch, again. Moved to Davis and loved the warmer climate and proximity of friends. This job required more of my time and effort than any of my previous schools. I was teaching a rowdy 4/5 combo class with a blend of Montessori, Project Based Learning, and traditional methods. This was my first year having a grade-level team to work with - which was both helpful and challenging. 24 kids in my class, the biggest I had worked with yet... and some bigger than me! I didn’t have much to work with, was just learning the standards of the grade level, was working with minimal materials and resources, and was being treated like an incompetent first-year teacher. It was infuriating at times! But I loved the staff and the community, and I love the philosophy - so I endured the trials. It was not easy to feel like I was under a microscope for every little thing I did. Nor was it easy to swallow the idea of teaching to the test/linking our success as teachers to our test scores. Charter schools are funny things - and I really missed the benefits of a union.
I started looking at eHarmony and other dating sites, trying to get myself out of my comfort zone and open to what is out there. Exploring. I went on a dud date, and I went on a date with someone who has become a valued friend (no chemistry). I went on a date that didn’t lead to anything beyond that meeting, and that was okay. I am learning.
At Thanksgiving, Mom and stepdad came to my place and we made turkey again - and I had bronchitis for the second time this year. Went home to NH for Christmas, visited many dear friends, and did yoga from December through March at least 3 times a week before getting busy again. Conferences, report cards, and uncertainty of the coming year can really suck up a lot of your time!
Throughout the entire year I was traveling to the South Bay roughly every other weekend to finish up my elementary training classes (Saturday and Sunday, 8am-6:30pm), with only a few weeks left to do over the summer. I also went to the AMS conference in San Francisco in March and felt so inspired, seeing Brene Brown and Brian Swimme speak. There was so much good in this year on the homefront!
I also spent several weekends volunteering to be an Adult Adviser for the Youth (13-20) and MUUGs (middle schoolers) through Church - including deaning a few conferences and all of the events were overnights of 2 nights or more. We do not place enough trust or responsibility in the hands of today’s youth - they are more than capable and merely need loving guidance to aide them in their successes.
I started getting REALLY into Webinars as well - love and relationships, law of attraction, the power of tapping, hypnosis, and dreamtime/astral awareness. ABUNDANCE and energy and divine timing - I kept a paper journal of my thoughts and progress. I cleared emotional blockages and burned old love letters that I had still clung to in my heart - releasing the essence at last. It was truly a motivational and calming spring.
2012 Summer - My uncle died of pancreatic cancer in early June, so I went up to Reno to help take care of my mom emotionally while stepdad was adventuring NYC as World Traveler. :) I cleaned for her, cooked, took her to and from the airport, and checked on her through her depression.
I spent much of June preparing for the Middle School Camp (MiSC) that my friend and I were deaning with a youth up in Mendocino during the 4th of July week. Meetings, meetings, conference calls, and more meetings. I also had two weeks of class at the end of June for Montessori training back in the South Bay - which lined up just a few days after mom arrived back from PA for her brother’s funeral. I then spent the next 3 weeks away from home.
Mom then came to visit about a week later and donated computers to my school from the University where she worked. We had some really deep, quality bonding time at my place (without stepdad) that we had honestly not had in a VERY long time. Deep conversations and lessons learned abounded. An understanding dawned on her as to the depth of simultaneous emotional and physical/sexual connection I had experienced in my past love, and it finally made sense to her why it devastated me so much - or “ruined” me... as that kind of connection is not likely to happen so early in life. We shared a deep appreciation for each other. This was in early July (near the 11th or so), and she had to leave my room in the middle of the night because the “tugging” in her abdomen was so painful. She had been taking pain meds and muscle relaxants up the wazoo for the last couple of months while pursuing doctor’s appointments and ruling out previous causes of discomfort such as H.Pylori and GERD or candidiasis.
I bought a bike the week after she left, and took great joy in riding it all over town with my friends. A new bike finally - to replace the old/tainted one that had been involved in my sexual assault in 2006 on the bike path. I was so excited for this beautiful, new, XS bike that has hybrid tires for road biking and some rougher rides. Even as I got ready for school to start again, I was relaxed and joyful - surrounded by friends.
2012-2013 School Year- The day before teacher work days at school started, our principal resigned. I was teaching a 2/3 combo, and figuring out my room and procedures. I felt strong and clear, and was excited about really shining this year with a sure footing and plenty of time over the coming weekends to plan out the next several months of instruction! This was going to be the best year yet!
Then, about two weeks into school, Mom started having ultrasounds that were showing some abnormalities in the liver, and they started testing for cancer markers while she awaited her CT scan the following Tuesday. I went away camping with my dear friend from the East Bay again, this time in the Sierras near Tahoe. When I came back home, and turned on my phone after a beautiful, peaceful weekend of campfires and nature hikes and glacial pool swims... and there were the text messages that changed my life. The ones that I had never known how I could possibly go on if I were to lose my mother. On August 18th, she was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer that had metastasized to the liver and had gone into the hospital on Saturday evening due to the pain. They gave her the CT scan, and the diagnosis - and continued to run tests and biopsies... and she was hopeful and strong, even though she was in pain and the situation looked grim based on the diagnosis. “There’s always miracles,” she would always say. “I’m pregnant with myself” was an ongoing joke, along with her finally writing her book that she had wanted to get to for so long: “Chapter 24: Career Change”... then in fine print... “via Pancreatic Cancer”. There was so much humor and laughter and positivity that you would not expect from such a situation.
But there were times when she was in too much pain to be strong. She was not afraid of death, but more concerned for my siblings and I going on without her. “You’re going to have to grow up, sweetie,” she said. “But I don’t want to; I’m not ready yet,” I replied. “But you have to.” That exchange was at the hospital before watching the nurses poke and prod her, and seeing her cry like she had only ever done once before in her life - there was so much pain and she did not know if she could do it. And I had to hold her hand and try not to fall apart myself in order to stay strong for her.
It was the second full week of school, and my plans for a phenomenal academic year of instruction flew out the window as life blew in. The kids had not learned the routines yet, and I would not be fully present to set them even when I was physically there. I spent 2 or 3 days a week in Reno for the next several weeks with Mom. Helping to pick her up from the hospital, regulate pain medications and put together a schedule, relieve my stepdad from his role as caretaker so that he could take care of his own health and take a bath or go for a bike ride, and adjusting to mom’s new chemo treatments. We drove down to Las Vegas over Labor Day weekend to see some family friends and try some “Relaxation and Mood Light Therapy”, and stayed in a hotel - saw a GIANT great-horned owl taking off on the way home right in front of our car. As the weeks went on, she began to respond to treatment, and we were hopeful and optimistic. Her tumor marker numbers went down, we kept focusing on her healing and willing it to be so. I kept reminding her that she could do this. It is up to her and no one else.
At the end of September, we had a potluck so she could see all of her friends and coworkers. She looked good, considering. And she had a wonderful time. After about an hour and a half though, her energy was exhausted. Her best friend had come up from San Diego to visit that weekend, and I came up to visit as well. She became my Other Mother, and we adopted each other so that we knew we could count on each other to get through this. (We both have been able to fill my mother’s void for each other over the last many months.) She got her wig and make up and all kinds of helpful chemo-patient accessories.
On Columbus Day, my sister finally flew out to visit for two weeks. I went up to visit to see her, and then planned to not come up again until nearly a month later, as my brother would be out a few days after she left. This has always been the norm when my siblings fly out to visit: I get in as much time as possible before they arrive, and then I do my best to only call every few days instead of every day (sometimes multiple times) - that way they can have quality time in with mom without me taking away from it. I was slightly concerned that without my presence and reminders my mom would forget to focus on her healing and visualizations and positive self talk. But I was exhausted from trying to balance everything. So I checked in once in a while, but mostly let them be together without interruption.
My sister flew home the morning of October 20, and that day Mom had a doctor’s appointment. They did bloodwork, and found out that the cancer had stopped responding to treatment. Her tumor markers had skyrocketed in number (and she had started out with some of the highest levels the doctors had ever seen in a patient). Mom called Dad and talked to him for quite a while; it seemed as if they were able to heal the bond between them and come to loving support and acceptance. (Dad has seemed much different and much more open and communicative with me since that day.) He was going to tell Shannon when she got off the plane. I got a phone call during the presidential debates, amidst tornado warnings and high winds here in Davis. That night I went to sleep bawling, and woke up sobbing and crying in the morning. I awoke once in the night and I felt her give up trying. I felt her choose to let go. (I had continually told her that it was all up to her, within her power and her choice. If she chose to heal, then she would - though it may be painful; if she chose to let go because it was just too much to handle - then she would go. Whatever she needed to do was okay with me, though I was biased towards life.)
I went to work the next day, and pushed through - and talked to my administrators, and showed them her CaringBridge sight posting. I was going to try and stay through the following short day and leave in the afternoon in order to conserve my sick time; and thankfully they encouraged me to go immediately - noting the seriousness of the tone and events in her writing. I was so glad they did. When I got there that evening, it was one of the last few lucid to semi-lucid days I had with her. The next morning I made her scrapple, and we went to get some of the fluid drained from her abdomen, which was tremendously swollen. She was so yellow with jaundice, as her bile ducts were blocked and the previous week’s surgery had not been able to alleviate this by placing a stint. There were two masses the size of golfballs blocking her bile ducts in the liver. She was in and out of lucidity the rest of the day.
The next morning I fed her more scrapple (this time not burnt), and gave her some tea. She fell asleep in her chair. She tried to take some phone calls, but fell asleep mid-sentence. This was a sign that she was in truly rapid decline. After that there was not much lucidity left. Lots of laughter was still had, and the nonsensical speech -“not reality based” as the nurse termed it- brought us into playful interaction (she, my stepdad, and I) as we made the most of what time was left. My brother and his girlfriend (now fiancee) were to arrive on Saturday for a week’s stay. It was now Thursday. Home Hospice came that evening, and said it would probably be within two weeks at most until her passing, based on what they were seeing.
I kept saying to her, “I love you so much, Momma”. And she would say, “I love you, too - So Much.” And it became a routine. She spent hours sitting up in bed, sleeping on my shoulder - sometimes drooling. I told her that I would be okay if she went after I left. That she would get to spend time with my brother, and that I had had so many wonderful moments together. I would be okay. She could go when she was ready. I did not want her to continue to be in pain, for she was just a shell of the mother I knew - not really herself. In fact, I told her two or three times that I would be back the following Sunday night after my ritual, whether she was still there or not. I told her I actually did not want her to still be there, because I couldn’t bear to see her deteriorate even further. I knew she would hold on until she saw my brother though.
That Saturday, my brother and his gf arrived. When I brought them home, I had already prepared them in the car for what they might see and experience. We went into the bedroom, and I sat down next to mom - who was generally unresponsive due to the levels of morphine in her system. I held her hand and kissed her, and said softly, “Mom, guess who’s here? ______‘s here.” And her eyes fluttered open, and she gasped and tried to sit up. She started saying, “My boy! My baby boy!” And hugged him. It brought everyone in the room to tears. It was such a special moment.
There was a BBQ at a coworkers, and we had mom in her wheelchair and gave her chariot service into the house, over rocks and roots, and onto the back deck in the open air with friends. She nibbled on some food, had a not-fully-lucid phone conversation with an old family friend, and smiled for pictures and friends.
That evening, another friend from SoCal came to visit. She took pictures as I said goodbye to mom for what was likely the last time. I was so glad my brother was there, as I had a good cry on him after hugging mom. I am so grateful to him for being there. There is a picture of my last hug with mom and my stepdad, the three of us in our little family unit. I will treasure it forever.
I went home, went to work, prepared the kids for Halloween and Dia de los Muertos, talked about our loved ones who we missed and set up an alter/table for their pictures. I read them the book I had bought for mom and read to her the week before: “I’ll Love You Forever”. I called to check in on her daily at my lunch break, and talked into her ear - just like she used to do with her brother. I went to my first therapy appointment that Friday (it takes 6 weeks or so to book an appointment through my provider), and I told my therapist, “My mom is probably going to die this weekend.” She probably thought I was being overdramatic. I wasn’t. I called one last time when I arrived at the ritual site for Samhain before turning off my phone - and she was just moaning in pain. I told her I loved her, that it was okay, and she could let go. Then I hung up, turned my phone off, and cried.
My Circle held me and held space for me. I set up a transition altar with her picture and angels and beautiful stars. We went through our rite, honoring the ancestors and walking into the underworld where life becomes death and is born again into life. At the end, we offered our special thanks and prayers as a group - and we honored my mother and reassured her that it was just a little step, and it would be okay and my siblings and I would all be taken care of. I glanced at my watch (which I usually don’t do) and it was 11:35pm. That night, I could feel her embracing me and hugging me and soothing me in spirit. When I arrived in Reno the next night at 7pm, I went in the bedroom and she was not there - and I knew. I then found out she had passed at 12:04am, just before daylight savings time. It was November 4th, 2012.
And life was forever changed. And I was reborn. Like a phoenix rising from the flames, I now had to stand on my own two feet and move forward into the world. Without death (and ashes), there would be no life for the phoenix to live once again. And that is what I intend to do.
Onwards...
Mom told me not to forget to wear red high heels on my birthday, and so on the 16th of November I did just that. I turned 29, and went to the Monterey Bay Aquarium with my dearest East Bay friends.
I went to my Other Mother’s in SoCal for Thanksgiving, and we made a beautiful turkey together (something I always had done with my mother).
Many weeks were spent climbing through the piles in my mother’s walk-in-closet. I boxed things and stored them, I shipped some to my siblings, I went through everything bit by bit. I gave away about 13 bags of clothes - and that does not include the 2 that I took home with me to rifle through. I kept all of her books, the pots and pans, and took home food and booze and crystals. I learned things about her that were surprising- and yet not that surprising at all. Everything was packed up that I was wanting to keep and moved into storage by December 19th; I flew to NH on the 20th to be with my siblings and friends.
My stepdad moved out the first day of the new year into his motor home/storage before taking off to travel. The apartment is empty. I have mom’s ashes with me at home, sitting next to my bed, on the couch, on the chair at the table - wherever she wants to be for a while. She likes a change of scenery. I will be taking her to Maui to spread her ashes in July on her birthday (July 20th) with my sister and my Other Mother.
I had bronchitis over spring break again and lost my voice (mostly) for 2 weeks. That was the first real downtime I had had since it all began.
It is hard to believe it has been more than 6 months since she passed into Spirit. She still plays with the lights and visits occasionally - but not as often. Life is just now starting to return to some semblance of normal.
I am starting to jog/run and eat healthy.
I am studying and practicing for my second initiation with my Circle.
I am 3 weeks out from the end of the school year (7 days furlough time is unfortunate for my paycheck).
I am clearing my clutter and getting rid of things that I do not LOVE.
I ordered new clothes to mark the new stage in my life - high school and college clothes will be released.
I am manifesting beauty and love and compassion in my life through the Divine Spirit.
I love my students and the 2nd and 3rd graders still are a challenge, but I adore them.
I am planning to stay at my job and hopefully teach the same grade level.
I am developing and cultivating friendships.
I am paying more attention to my self-care and appearance.
I am sorting through my mail and getting rid of the junk.
I am doing laundry - this afternoon in fact!
I am bonding with my dad over the phone more regularly and at a deeper level than I ever imagined a year ago.
I am growing up... and I will be 30 in just a little more than 6 months, so it is about time.
Blessed be.
I miss the way lj allows for the stream of consciousness and free flow of ideas and reflection with selected audiences, without the posts getting lost among internet memes or other less interesting updates. (FB... I think I will keep you for networking only. And memes-but not personal reflection.)
In the last 5 years, ...
2008 Summer - I lived on a couch in Bernal Heights in San Francisco and overcame my fears of urban transit and street smarts (at least during the day time). I learned the joys of the cable cars, walking EVERYWHERE, blues dancing, and bonfires at the beach at the end of the Golden Gate Park. I did some childcare for a company that has employees in different cities who work the daycare room for children while their parents attend workshops - including a conference for children with rare disorders such as Cardio-Facio-Cutaneous (CFC) Syndrome and Noonan's Syndrome. It was quite the summer. I thoroughly enjoyed this social highpoint of wanderlust.
I ended up taking a job in Central Arizona - the "liberal" town of Prescott. And off I went...
2008-2009 School year - ARIZONA- My first year of teaching with my own classroom, and I had a very challenging class of 3rd graders whom I loved dearly. They pushed me to the edge, and also gifted me with some much-needed coping skills along the way. I think I did the most growing up of my life during that year (up until 2012, anyways). I did plenty of hiking; learned some Shamanic Journeying techniques from my now-adoptive big sister, Jan; ate lots of artichoke dip and soft pretzels at the Brew Pub; became very involved at the Granite Peak UU Church - serving on several committees, attending classes, and singing in the pick-up choir- and found a true spiritual home away from home there; lived on the edge of a national forest where I broke through my fear of being alone during the day on a brief adventure (since my biking assault in 2006); worked on the 2008 election campaign from the Democratic office in town and felt the joy in the room the night of the election - dispite McCain having been on the courthouse steps the night before; experienced 2 feet of snow at Valentine's Day when I thought I had escaped such abominable weather; developed a deep friendship with my landlady & neighbor; climbed halfway down the Bright Angel trail of the Grand Canyon and back out in one day - including driving to and from our town 2 and 1/2 hours away; had a chipmunk (and mice) living in my wall and a baby chipmunk under my fridge; and left the dog door open for the elderly black cat, Luna, to come and go as she pleased and keep me company. But by the end of the year and some hard lessons in life -personal and professional- I realized I was just too far away from family (mom was closest and she was 13 hours away by car). So I made plans to move back to the Bay Area.
2009 Summer - I returned to the bay with nowhere to live and no job, leaving most of my possessions in storage. I went to the UUA General Assembley in Salt Lake City, and had a wonderful time. I moved from friend's house to friend's house every few days for a number of weeks, and felt somewhat jealous of the homeless folk because they had the courage to lay down and sleep wherever they found a comfy spot - but I still held such fear of being unconscious around strangers, and I was soooo tired. I eventually returned to the same friendly couch that I had resided upon before - and developed some strong friendships along the way. Then I got the job I had been hoping for up in West Marin at a rural and very progressive public school. I was only at 80% pay, but it was in the countryside and I felt at home there. I spent the rest of the summer preparing plans for the year with other staff members, and painting my classroom, building desks/tables, and turning the room around to be ready for 1st grade. I moved into an apartment (still one of my favorites thusfar) with my friend just before the start of the school year.
2009-2010 School Year -
I taught 1st grade to 9 children, and reiterated the fact that a smaller class is not always better. The whole class received OT due to professionals’ observation that it would benefit the majority of them. I loved working with my colleagues, and enjoyed going home to the farmer’s market on Wednesday afternoons. Hiking to the redwoods and back every Friday with my class and eating lunch under the trees and playing in the puddles was magick. I started BTSA (beginning teacher coursework for CA) with a provider that I drove to 1/2 hour each way once a week for an hour meeting.
I got to know my sweet neighbor across the hall who fed me in exchange for watching her sweet puppy-dog whenever needed. Had my second roommate in the late winter of 2010- who also got me to start doing yoga at that time. I flew home for Christmas and spent much of my time driving to and fro to visit my alma mater, family, and friends.
There were many trips to Davis to visit my young, but entertaining and intelligent friends. Often on the way to and from Reno, I would stay a night or two to get some socializing in. There was not much to be had in Marin due to the economic disparity of the well off being older with young children, and the less well off being students or young professionals spending most of their time in the city. It started in January when I needed a place to stay while attending a Waldorf public-school conference in Sacramento. There were other incentives/perks that kept me visiting Davis initially, but out of those visits there grew many friendships that I still maintain at present. Davis became my new home-away-from-home, as my SF friends were either moving away/back East or entirely too busy (plus crossing the Golden Gate Bridge gets to be expensive in tolls and gas if you do it too often).
2010 Summer - Dad came out to visit, and we went and saw “Inception” in Petaluma, visited the Exploratorium, went to get real Chinese food in Chinatown, and exposed him to the mighty redwoods at Samuel P. Taylor Park. I also went down to San Diego with mom and my stepdad, visiting mom’s best friend from that area (who is now my Other Mother in her absence), and shifting my stepdad’s perspective of me from my teenage self to the adult I was becoming. (We also listened to “Barry Trotter and the Unauthorized Parody” on the way down in the car from Reno, which is quite fantastic if you are a Harry Potter fan.) I spent the better part of 3 weeks of the summer enjoying the company of my mom’s friend’s son - who was out West visiting/catsitting while his mom went away on a cruise. This was the start of my wine-acceptance. He took me wine-tasting with his friends, we went on an ACTUAL date (“actual” because I recognized it as a date before I went on it - which I am known to be oblivious to in general), and explored some great restaurants and hiking spots in the Bay Area. My adopted big-sister visited my mom on her way North with her son, and that was a wonderful (and quite possibly tipsy) evening together with Italian food and giggly shopping sprees. I went camping with my dear friend from the East Bay (also a UU young adult) and enjoyed hiking and being in the woods under the stars, where my manfriend came to visit me the night before he took off for home by plane. It was a magical summer. Lots of traveling, for certain.
2010-2011 School Year - I taught Kindergarten with my favorite assistant to date, as well as 1st grade main academics, 1st grade painting, 1st/2nd grade games class, 4th grade painting & drawing, and then some 3rd grade painting/drawing towards the end of the year. I had a different lunch schedule from everyone else, but was co-president of my teacher’s union (even though I was a partially temporary employee), attended many meetings and committees and rain several meetings. I went to board meetings, did home visits with the kids, finished BTSA with a different provider - even though I adored my provider from the last year, fell in love with kindergarten, enjoyed the thrills of co-teaching while enduring the challenges of the same... and bonded deeply with the staff in other programs to build bridges between our kiddos. (The previous summer, I had been on the hiring committee for the new principal of our district; I greatly appreciated our principal’s strength this year.) I flew home for my best friend from college’s wedding to be a bridesmaid at the end of September/early October. Less than 48 hours on the ground on the East Coast before returning back to CA to be sure I got to work that Monday. One of the most memorable nights of my life with amazing people. I stayed out in CA for the Winter Holidays, and had my first SolsticeTree of my own; it was beautiful. And I started reading up on Montessori so that I could better articulate the differences between Montessori and Waldorf philosophies.
2011 April/May into Summer - After my explorations into Montessori philosophy, hearing that my roommate was moving out to be closer to work/school/life, and accepting the reality of my position being cut to 0.6 FTE (60% of full time) for the following year ... I decided to put everything in storage while doing my job-hunts. I decided to keep myself sane and enroll in a 7 week intensive teacher training program in the South Bay for Montessori Elementary credentialing through AMS (American Montessori Society). I moved to San Jose with a dear friend from my Circle who was kind enough to offer me her hospitality, was with her through her sister’s suicide in the basement of the same house (while my clothes were in the dryer/on the line in the same room - luckily intuition kept me from going to retrieve them), stayed on as support for my friend, and then was offered refuge by another hospitable couple from my work with the UU church. So I moved further up the Peninsula and did some housesitting for the last 3 weeks of my training.
This was my UN-SUMMER - where I started training the day after school ended, moved the following day, had classes 5 or 6 days a week from 8am to 6pm - not including commuter traffic -, and started work at my new job the Monday after the Friday our classes finished. Thank goodness for mom helping me move and taking care of me, as well as for my friends who came and helped me finish packing my life away. And for my dear co-worker who let me store my belongings in his barn for free for the 3 months that I was without a permanent residence. (I moved about 5 times that summer - including 3 weeks after school started because my apartment would not be ready until then... college town leases drive me crazy!)
Did I mention that I managed to sprain my right ankle really badly pushing the kiddos on the tire swing at school the second to last day of school??? That put a cramp in my packing schedule due to needing to elevate and not bear weight. I was on crutches and in a boot for several weeks before moving to an air cast, and then a simpler brace. (It was about 6 months before my ankle began to feel back to normal... which meant 6 months without yoga! *sadness*) So there were many things to be done, including visiting many doctors and OccMed appointments due to the injury occuring at work.
But I bonded with my cohort in both groups, and especially the upper elementary group. We went out for food on Fridays after class, we spent the 4th of July together at one person’s house down near Monterey, we went to an SF Giants game after class one day, and we went out on one person’s family yacht the day after class ended! I have stayed in touch with many of these people still... and it is nice to have folks on the West Coast that I can talk education with from a holistic perspective who are in my peer group.
2011-2012 School Year - Started my new job with a bad case of bronchitis on the first day and trying to assemble my room from scratch, again. Moved to Davis and loved the warmer climate and proximity of friends. This job required more of my time and effort than any of my previous schools. I was teaching a rowdy 4/5 combo class with a blend of Montessori, Project Based Learning, and traditional methods. This was my first year having a grade-level team to work with - which was both helpful and challenging. 24 kids in my class, the biggest I had worked with yet... and some bigger than me! I didn’t have much to work with, was just learning the standards of the grade level, was working with minimal materials and resources, and was being treated like an incompetent first-year teacher. It was infuriating at times! But I loved the staff and the community, and I love the philosophy - so I endured the trials. It was not easy to feel like I was under a microscope for every little thing I did. Nor was it easy to swallow the idea of teaching to the test/linking our success as teachers to our test scores. Charter schools are funny things - and I really missed the benefits of a union.
I started looking at eHarmony and other dating sites, trying to get myself out of my comfort zone and open to what is out there. Exploring. I went on a dud date, and I went on a date with someone who has become a valued friend (no chemistry). I went on a date that didn’t lead to anything beyond that meeting, and that was okay. I am learning.
At Thanksgiving, Mom and stepdad came to my place and we made turkey again - and I had bronchitis for the second time this year. Went home to NH for Christmas, visited many dear friends, and did yoga from December through March at least 3 times a week before getting busy again. Conferences, report cards, and uncertainty of the coming year can really suck up a lot of your time!
Throughout the entire year I was traveling to the South Bay roughly every other weekend to finish up my elementary training classes (Saturday and Sunday, 8am-6:30pm), with only a few weeks left to do over the summer. I also went to the AMS conference in San Francisco in March and felt so inspired, seeing Brene Brown and Brian Swimme speak. There was so much good in this year on the homefront!
I also spent several weekends volunteering to be an Adult Adviser for the Youth (13-20) and MUUGs (middle schoolers) through Church - including deaning a few conferences and all of the events were overnights of 2 nights or more. We do not place enough trust or responsibility in the hands of today’s youth - they are more than capable and merely need loving guidance to aide them in their successes.
I started getting REALLY into Webinars as well - love and relationships, law of attraction, the power of tapping, hypnosis, and dreamtime/astral awareness. ABUNDANCE and energy and divine timing - I kept a paper journal of my thoughts and progress. I cleared emotional blockages and burned old love letters that I had still clung to in my heart - releasing the essence at last. It was truly a motivational and calming spring.
2012 Summer - My uncle died of pancreatic cancer in early June, so I went up to Reno to help take care of my mom emotionally while stepdad was adventuring NYC as World Traveler. :) I cleaned for her, cooked, took her to and from the airport, and checked on her through her depression.
I spent much of June preparing for the Middle School Camp (MiSC) that my friend and I were deaning with a youth up in Mendocino during the 4th of July week. Meetings, meetings, conference calls, and more meetings. I also had two weeks of class at the end of June for Montessori training back in the South Bay - which lined up just a few days after mom arrived back from PA for her brother’s funeral. I then spent the next 3 weeks away from home.
Mom then came to visit about a week later and donated computers to my school from the University where she worked. We had some really deep, quality bonding time at my place (without stepdad) that we had honestly not had in a VERY long time. Deep conversations and lessons learned abounded. An understanding dawned on her as to the depth of simultaneous emotional and physical/sexual connection I had experienced in my past love, and it finally made sense to her why it devastated me so much - or “ruined” me... as that kind of connection is not likely to happen so early in life. We shared a deep appreciation for each other. This was in early July (near the 11th or so), and she had to leave my room in the middle of the night because the “tugging” in her abdomen was so painful. She had been taking pain meds and muscle relaxants up the wazoo for the last couple of months while pursuing doctor’s appointments and ruling out previous causes of discomfort such as H.Pylori and GERD or candidiasis.
I bought a bike the week after she left, and took great joy in riding it all over town with my friends. A new bike finally - to replace the old/tainted one that had been involved in my sexual assault in 2006 on the bike path. I was so excited for this beautiful, new, XS bike that has hybrid tires for road biking and some rougher rides. Even as I got ready for school to start again, I was relaxed and joyful - surrounded by friends.
2012-2013 School Year- The day before teacher work days at school started, our principal resigned. I was teaching a 2/3 combo, and figuring out my room and procedures. I felt strong and clear, and was excited about really shining this year with a sure footing and plenty of time over the coming weekends to plan out the next several months of instruction! This was going to be the best year yet!
Then, about two weeks into school, Mom started having ultrasounds that were showing some abnormalities in the liver, and they started testing for cancer markers while she awaited her CT scan the following Tuesday. I went away camping with my dear friend from the East Bay again, this time in the Sierras near Tahoe. When I came back home, and turned on my phone after a beautiful, peaceful weekend of campfires and nature hikes and glacial pool swims... and there were the text messages that changed my life. The ones that I had never known how I could possibly go on if I were to lose my mother. On August 18th, she was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer that had metastasized to the liver and had gone into the hospital on Saturday evening due to the pain. They gave her the CT scan, and the diagnosis - and continued to run tests and biopsies... and she was hopeful and strong, even though she was in pain and the situation looked grim based on the diagnosis. “There’s always miracles,” she would always say. “I’m pregnant with myself” was an ongoing joke, along with her finally writing her book that she had wanted to get to for so long: “Chapter 24: Career Change”... then in fine print... “via Pancreatic Cancer”. There was so much humor and laughter and positivity that you would not expect from such a situation.
But there were times when she was in too much pain to be strong. She was not afraid of death, but more concerned for my siblings and I going on without her. “You’re going to have to grow up, sweetie,” she said. “But I don’t want to; I’m not ready yet,” I replied. “But you have to.” That exchange was at the hospital before watching the nurses poke and prod her, and seeing her cry like she had only ever done once before in her life - there was so much pain and she did not know if she could do it. And I had to hold her hand and try not to fall apart myself in order to stay strong for her.
It was the second full week of school, and my plans for a phenomenal academic year of instruction flew out the window as life blew in. The kids had not learned the routines yet, and I would not be fully present to set them even when I was physically there. I spent 2 or 3 days a week in Reno for the next several weeks with Mom. Helping to pick her up from the hospital, regulate pain medications and put together a schedule, relieve my stepdad from his role as caretaker so that he could take care of his own health and take a bath or go for a bike ride, and adjusting to mom’s new chemo treatments. We drove down to Las Vegas over Labor Day weekend to see some family friends and try some “Relaxation and Mood Light Therapy”, and stayed in a hotel - saw a GIANT great-horned owl taking off on the way home right in front of our car. As the weeks went on, she began to respond to treatment, and we were hopeful and optimistic. Her tumor marker numbers went down, we kept focusing on her healing and willing it to be so. I kept reminding her that she could do this. It is up to her and no one else.
At the end of September, we had a potluck so she could see all of her friends and coworkers. She looked good, considering. And she had a wonderful time. After about an hour and a half though, her energy was exhausted. Her best friend had come up from San Diego to visit that weekend, and I came up to visit as well. She became my Other Mother, and we adopted each other so that we knew we could count on each other to get through this. (We both have been able to fill my mother’s void for each other over the last many months.) She got her wig and make up and all kinds of helpful chemo-patient accessories.
On Columbus Day, my sister finally flew out to visit for two weeks. I went up to visit to see her, and then planned to not come up again until nearly a month later, as my brother would be out a few days after she left. This has always been the norm when my siblings fly out to visit: I get in as much time as possible before they arrive, and then I do my best to only call every few days instead of every day (sometimes multiple times) - that way they can have quality time in with mom without me taking away from it. I was slightly concerned that without my presence and reminders my mom would forget to focus on her healing and visualizations and positive self talk. But I was exhausted from trying to balance everything. So I checked in once in a while, but mostly let them be together without interruption.
My sister flew home the morning of October 20, and that day Mom had a doctor’s appointment. They did bloodwork, and found out that the cancer had stopped responding to treatment. Her tumor markers had skyrocketed in number (and she had started out with some of the highest levels the doctors had ever seen in a patient). Mom called Dad and talked to him for quite a while; it seemed as if they were able to heal the bond between them and come to loving support and acceptance. (Dad has seemed much different and much more open and communicative with me since that day.) He was going to tell Shannon when she got off the plane. I got a phone call during the presidential debates, amidst tornado warnings and high winds here in Davis. That night I went to sleep bawling, and woke up sobbing and crying in the morning. I awoke once in the night and I felt her give up trying. I felt her choose to let go. (I had continually told her that it was all up to her, within her power and her choice. If she chose to heal, then she would - though it may be painful; if she chose to let go because it was just too much to handle - then she would go. Whatever she needed to do was okay with me, though I was biased towards life.)
I went to work the next day, and pushed through - and talked to my administrators, and showed them her CaringBridge sight posting. I was going to try and stay through the following short day and leave in the afternoon in order to conserve my sick time; and thankfully they encouraged me to go immediately - noting the seriousness of the tone and events in her writing. I was so glad they did. When I got there that evening, it was one of the last few lucid to semi-lucid days I had with her. The next morning I made her scrapple, and we went to get some of the fluid drained from her abdomen, which was tremendously swollen. She was so yellow with jaundice, as her bile ducts were blocked and the previous week’s surgery had not been able to alleviate this by placing a stint. There were two masses the size of golfballs blocking her bile ducts in the liver. She was in and out of lucidity the rest of the day.
The next morning I fed her more scrapple (this time not burnt), and gave her some tea. She fell asleep in her chair. She tried to take some phone calls, but fell asleep mid-sentence. This was a sign that she was in truly rapid decline. After that there was not much lucidity left. Lots of laughter was still had, and the nonsensical speech -“not reality based” as the nurse termed it- brought us into playful interaction (she, my stepdad, and I) as we made the most of what time was left. My brother and his girlfriend (now fiancee) were to arrive on Saturday for a week’s stay. It was now Thursday. Home Hospice came that evening, and said it would probably be within two weeks at most until her passing, based on what they were seeing.
I kept saying to her, “I love you so much, Momma”. And she would say, “I love you, too - So Much.” And it became a routine. She spent hours sitting up in bed, sleeping on my shoulder - sometimes drooling. I told her that I would be okay if she went after I left. That she would get to spend time with my brother, and that I had had so many wonderful moments together. I would be okay. She could go when she was ready. I did not want her to continue to be in pain, for she was just a shell of the mother I knew - not really herself. In fact, I told her two or three times that I would be back the following Sunday night after my ritual, whether she was still there or not. I told her I actually did not want her to still be there, because I couldn’t bear to see her deteriorate even further. I knew she would hold on until she saw my brother though.
That Saturday, my brother and his gf arrived. When I brought them home, I had already prepared them in the car for what they might see and experience. We went into the bedroom, and I sat down next to mom - who was generally unresponsive due to the levels of morphine in her system. I held her hand and kissed her, and said softly, “Mom, guess who’s here? ______‘s here.” And her eyes fluttered open, and she gasped and tried to sit up. She started saying, “My boy! My baby boy!” And hugged him. It brought everyone in the room to tears. It was such a special moment.
There was a BBQ at a coworkers, and we had mom in her wheelchair and gave her chariot service into the house, over rocks and roots, and onto the back deck in the open air with friends. She nibbled on some food, had a not-fully-lucid phone conversation with an old family friend, and smiled for pictures and friends.
That evening, another friend from SoCal came to visit. She took pictures as I said goodbye to mom for what was likely the last time. I was so glad my brother was there, as I had a good cry on him after hugging mom. I am so grateful to him for being there. There is a picture of my last hug with mom and my stepdad, the three of us in our little family unit. I will treasure it forever.
I went home, went to work, prepared the kids for Halloween and Dia de los Muertos, talked about our loved ones who we missed and set up an alter/table for their pictures. I read them the book I had bought for mom and read to her the week before: “I’ll Love You Forever”. I called to check in on her daily at my lunch break, and talked into her ear - just like she used to do with her brother. I went to my first therapy appointment that Friday (it takes 6 weeks or so to book an appointment through my provider), and I told my therapist, “My mom is probably going to die this weekend.” She probably thought I was being overdramatic. I wasn’t. I called one last time when I arrived at the ritual site for Samhain before turning off my phone - and she was just moaning in pain. I told her I loved her, that it was okay, and she could let go. Then I hung up, turned my phone off, and cried.
My Circle held me and held space for me. I set up a transition altar with her picture and angels and beautiful stars. We went through our rite, honoring the ancestors and walking into the underworld where life becomes death and is born again into life. At the end, we offered our special thanks and prayers as a group - and we honored my mother and reassured her that it was just a little step, and it would be okay and my siblings and I would all be taken care of. I glanced at my watch (which I usually don’t do) and it was 11:35pm. That night, I could feel her embracing me and hugging me and soothing me in spirit. When I arrived in Reno the next night at 7pm, I went in the bedroom and she was not there - and I knew. I then found out she had passed at 12:04am, just before daylight savings time. It was November 4th, 2012.
And life was forever changed. And I was reborn. Like a phoenix rising from the flames, I now had to stand on my own two feet and move forward into the world. Without death (and ashes), there would be no life for the phoenix to live once again. And that is what I intend to do.
Onwards...
Mom told me not to forget to wear red high heels on my birthday, and so on the 16th of November I did just that. I turned 29, and went to the Monterey Bay Aquarium with my dearest East Bay friends.
I went to my Other Mother’s in SoCal for Thanksgiving, and we made a beautiful turkey together (something I always had done with my mother).
Many weeks were spent climbing through the piles in my mother’s walk-in-closet. I boxed things and stored them, I shipped some to my siblings, I went through everything bit by bit. I gave away about 13 bags of clothes - and that does not include the 2 that I took home with me to rifle through. I kept all of her books, the pots and pans, and took home food and booze and crystals. I learned things about her that were surprising- and yet not that surprising at all. Everything was packed up that I was wanting to keep and moved into storage by December 19th; I flew to NH on the 20th to be with my siblings and friends.
My stepdad moved out the first day of the new year into his motor home/storage before taking off to travel. The apartment is empty. I have mom’s ashes with me at home, sitting next to my bed, on the couch, on the chair at the table - wherever she wants to be for a while. She likes a change of scenery. I will be taking her to Maui to spread her ashes in July on her birthday (July 20th) with my sister and my Other Mother.
I had bronchitis over spring break again and lost my voice (mostly) for 2 weeks. That was the first real downtime I had had since it all began.
It is hard to believe it has been more than 6 months since she passed into Spirit. She still plays with the lights and visits occasionally - but not as often. Life is just now starting to return to some semblance of normal.
I am starting to jog/run and eat healthy.
I am studying and practicing for my second initiation with my Circle.
I am 3 weeks out from the end of the school year (7 days furlough time is unfortunate for my paycheck).
I am clearing my clutter and getting rid of things that I do not LOVE.
I ordered new clothes to mark the new stage in my life - high school and college clothes will be released.
I am manifesting beauty and love and compassion in my life through the Divine Spirit.
I love my students and the 2nd and 3rd graders still are a challenge, but I adore them.
I am planning to stay at my job and hopefully teach the same grade level.
I am developing and cultivating friendships.
I am paying more attention to my self-care and appearance.
I am sorting through my mail and getting rid of the junk.
I am doing laundry - this afternoon in fact!
I am bonding with my dad over the phone more regularly and at a deeper level than I ever imagined a year ago.
I am growing up... and I will be 30 in just a little more than 6 months, so it is about time.
Blessed be.