The Reichenbach Fall in Quicktime

[littlenotebook]

Title: The Reichenbach Fall in Quicktime
Fandom: Sherlock
Disclaimer: I do not own Sherlock, that is the property of the BBC and Steven Moffat. I am simply taking them out to play.
Pairing/Characters: Sherlock Holmes, John Watson, Greg Lestrade, Mrs. Hudson, Mycroft Holmes, Jim Moriarty, Sally Donavan, Fucking Anderson, Kitty Riley and everyone else!
Word Count: 4,165
Rating: PG-13
Summary: The THIRD AND FINAL episode of season 2 cracked out in quicktime for all your laughter and enjoyment and hopefully clearing up some of those tears.
Warnings: CRACK. And cursing.
Author notes: Also check out A Scandal in Belgravia in Quicktime and The Hounds of Baskerville in Quicktime to round out your amusement for this season.

Cross posted at AO3



John: …

Fans: OH FUCKING SHIT NO!!!!!

Therapist: Soooo, I’m back that must mean bad things.

John: No, I go to a therapist when I’m happy. I’m one of those people.

Therapist: And it’s raining. We like symbolism.

John: I get choked up... a lot. Woe to the Watson.

Therapist: Yeah and I’m going to make you say it.

John: Are you a sadist?

Therapist: SAY IT, YOU LITTLE BITCH!

John: MAI BOYFRIEND IS DEAD!!!!!!!!!!

Therapist: Boyfriend?

John: I said it. *sniff*

Fans: *WAAAAAAAAAAAIL*

---Oh credits, you’re like the safe haven of this episode---

Book Fans: Hey look, the episode title is on a painting of a waterfall. HA!

Everyone: We like to give you presents when you solve things!

Lestrade: My present is the best!

Sherlock: Oh no you didn’t.

John: YES. HAT!

Sally and Anderson: Revenge, complete.

Sherlock: Slow painful deaths for all of you!

John: Aww, the tabloids gave you a nickname.

Sherlock: Yours matches.

John: “Exceedingly gay and adorable companion of Sherlock Holmes????”

Sherlock: I HATE THIS HAT.

John: I wouldn’t say ‘exceedingly…’

Sherlock: There are flaps and weird brims and this is NOT Victorian England. Who would wear this!?

John: ‘Slightly’ perhaps or ‘Occasionally.’

Sherlock: Frisbee death hat. I will find a way to make this a weapon.

John: Let me add in this little bit of foreshadowing about the betrayal of the press.

Sherlock: Psh. Don’t give a shit.

---Mean while at this London landmark!---

Jim: Hi. I wear baseball caps. Look how innocent I am!

Sign: hmmm I wonder if looking at this crown jewel sign means - oh come one, DUH, its fucking Jim.

John: Look I showered.

Fans: Oh, we see that.

Sherlock: I never stop experimenting.

John: And hanging people from the ceiling?

Sherlock: That’s what they get for giving me a deerstalker.

Jim: Do de do, being a tourist.

Crown Jewels: Well, hello there sexy thing. We want to be on your head!

Jim: Arranging that!

Guards: Watching my screens.

Bank of England: I take my tea in a set.

Pentonville Prison: Prison wardens all like the death penalty!

Jim: All evil geniuses listen to classical music when they cause mayhem! Button pushing!

Security alarm: Blare blare screen blinky blare.

Tourists: Oh dear, we should leave…

Crown Jewels: Oh darling, alone at last.

Sally: Sir, a break in.

Lestrade: Not our division!

Sally: But it’s really important.

Lestrade: Not our division!

Sally: Like crown jewels.

Lestrade: Not. Our. Division.

Sally: …they have coffee there?

Lestrade: OUR division!

Jim: Button number two!

Bank of England: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat the fuck?

Lestrade: Why am I driving?

Sally: I should have called in sick!

Jim: GLASS GRAFITTI! And button number three. Don’t you love my cute little graphics?

Pentonville Prison: Oh no, not us too. That is just not fair!

Keep Calm Mug: SUICIDE!!!

Sally: Um, three now?

Lestrade: Can we go back to ‘not our division?’

Jim: See, I was chewing this gum for a reason.

Crown Jewels: Don’t make me wait, sweetheart.

Jim: DANCE OF SMASHING!

Cars: AHHHH!

Coppers: AHHHH!

Crown Jewels: Was it good for you too?

Jim: King of crack returns!

---Back at Boyfriend Street---

John: Your fucking phone.

Sherlock: Laterz.

John: I said no to that.

Sherlock: Laaaaaaaaaaterz.

John: …how does Jim have your phone number?

Sherlock: Oh, I am so aroused!

---And we’re back to the tower. I sense a lot of scene changes this episode---

Jim: I totally got caught because I didn’t plan properly, yep, error. Didn’t mean for this at all.

Lestrade: So, should we start writing your name with the smiley face in the O now?

Sherlock: Suspicious...

---NEWSPAPER MONTAGE---

Fans: This song is fucking sweet!

Sherlock & John: Time to dress up.

Press: Picture, pictures, we are very prominent in this episode!!!

John: Don’t be an ass.

Sherlock: I totally won’t.

Jim: Creepin on your copper.

Girl Cop: What is with the gum this episode anyhow? Ew.

Sherlock: I should not have walked into this bath room.

Kitty: Do you like my outfit?

Sherlock: Can I get one of those pins?

Kitty: Seriously, I’m a big big fan.

Sherlock: Also known as press?

Kitty: Not IT?

Sherlock: Desk line, ink smudge, and pocket recorder.

Kitty: Can we go back to the ‘my bedroom’s just a taxi ride away’ type?

Sherlock: No.

Kitty: So, you are shagging John?

Sherlock: Duh.

Kitty: Well? I could be a bit of help. I am a ginger after all, theme of this series.

Sherlock: Hungry journalist still looking for her big break? Denied!

Kitty: You think I’m only going to be in this scene? Just you wait!

Lawyer: So, tell us about Jim.

Sherlock: He is one crafty ass bitch.

Lawyer: Um… could you not be rude?

Sherlock: Could you not suck at your job?

Judge: I am edging toward dislike.

Lawyer: So, you’re saying Jim is like a serious criminal?

Sherlock: Uh yeah, I’m using a spider metaphor and everything!

Judge: Well, maybe the jury doesn’t like metaphors.

Sherlock: Well, maybe the jury needs to clean the crumbs off their clothes and stop banging each other.

Judge: Really? Really. We’re in court! I can put you in jail.

Sherlock: Well, maybe I like jail!

---In jail…---

Jim: NEIGHBORS! <3

Cinematography: You thought Belgravia was cool? Look at this shot!

John: I am going to run out of money bailing you out one day, I can see it.

Sherlock: Not if I’m dead.

John: Like you’d ever die.

---We’re only 18 minutes in and the scene changes are already making me dizzy---

John: You’re doing the face.

Sherlock: What face?

John: The ‘I am really hot and bothered, let’s go shag face.’

Sherlock: … I don’t think that’s the face I’m making.

John: I always see that face.

Sherlock: Yeah well, Jim’s up to an evil plan!

John: Obviously.

Sherlock: Shag now?

---Oooooo scenery of pretty sky!---

Jim!Lawyer: Um… just keeping the seat warm, nothing to say.

John: Da fuck?

Fans: OH MY GOD, IT’S THE KNIT TIE!!! …*cough*

Jim: Whoops, guess I forgot court room procedure? <3 Hi John.

Sherlock: I talk for judges.

Judge: So? Guilty?

Jury: Um… we’re going to go with not guilty here.

Sherlock: TEA TIME.

Jim: I break in to houses!

Sherlock: Me too! I mean… should have knocked.

Jim: Want to hear a story about Bach?

Sherlock: Aw! You do like my playing!

Jim: I like one of your apples.

Sherlock: And tea.

Jim: And you’re on the side of the angels! …I like wing fics.

Sherlock: So? Threatened the jury?

Jim: Duh.

Sherlock: Obvious.

Jim: And now we have The Final Problem.

Book Fans: AHHHH!!!

Sherlock: You mean the real plot of the episode?

Jim: Psh, this episode doesn’t have a plot!

Camera: Let me focus in on Jim’s tapping fingers. It’s not a clue or anything I just like his manicured nails.

Jim: So, going say ‘I don’t know?’

Sherlock: I don’t know!

Jim: Are you copying me?

Sherlock: Am I copying you?

Jim: I love John.

Sherlock: SAY THAT AGAIN, BITCH!

Jim: So? Deduce for my baby.

Sherlock: The key.

Jim: Sounds like a horror movie.

Sherlock: With you opening doors, hell yes.

Jim: This apple is delicious.

Sherlock: You know the camera is doing this thing where it films you head on and me from above to show that you have the advantage in this situation. Damn it.

Jim: Wait till you see me in a crown.

Sherlock: It’s my desktop wall paper.

Jim: Anyhow, let me allude to ‘falling’ here, you know, just in case you jump off a building or something later.

Sherlock: As if.

Jim: I’m saying FALL again.

Sherlock: You’re just jealous you don’t have a John.

Jim: Adorable <3

Sherlock: Why don’t you take your scary guy looks and fuck off out of my flat.

Jim: Hmm kay, but I O U!!! Made you some apple art work.

Sherlock: Sweet.

---More newspaper montage! We love montages!!!---

John: I need money!

Mycroft!text: I need to you come here!.

---And over at The Diogenes Club---

Book Fans: AHHHHHHH IT JUST KEEPS COMING!!!

John: So….?

Everyone: Did he just…?

John: Mycroft Holmes?

Everyone: …

John: You know, annoying guy, kinda gay, umbrella, cake?

Old Guy: *PANIC*

John: Don’t make me go Watson on you.

Butlers: *carry you out*

Mycroft: Oh sorry, did I not mention the no talking rule?

John: Asshole.

Mycroft: So, this newspaper is doing a piece on Sherlock.

John: Jen from IT?

Mycroft: It is in no way my fault what so ever. At all.

John: One of these days you will phone me about these things instead of kidnapping me.

Mycroft: Also all these hit men have moved in near your flat.

John: Can I hire one to kill you?

Mycroft: JUST TRYING TO HELP!

John: When Sherlock and I get married, you’re not invited to the wedding.

Mycroft: Whatever. *sniffle*

---Back at Baggins Street---

John: OH MY GOD MY HOGWARTS LETTER!!!!

Letter: JK, dirt.

John: *sniffle*

Lestrade: Hey.

Sherlock: KIDNAPPING! WHEE!

Sally: I cannot wait until my big ‘Sherlock is to blame’ scene!!!

Video camera: buzz buzz

---Over in Surrey---

Sniffle lady: I have a blanket

Sherlock: HARASSMENT!

John: I should just keep him locked up at home.

Sherlock: Time to investigate some rooms!

Book: Hey, John, maybe you should pay attention about matching paper and seals! HINT HINT.

John: Whatever. Busy.

Sherlock: Room #2.

Sally: Come on, hurry up, I want my moment of evilness!

Sherlock: Kid reads spy books?

John: Leave us a clue?

Anderson: I get to play!

Sherlock: Good job Anderson, we found the ‘help us’ message all because of you!

Anderson: Oh my god, really? Does that mean you like me now!?!

Sherlock: Hell no.

Anderson: Yeah, well, then I’m siding with Sally!

Sherlock: And I’ll probably punch you. Look foot prints and I am taking samples.

John: *pst* No smiling.

Sherlock: TO BARTS.

Molly: Oh god, please, not again. Can’t I just go home to my cat?

Sherlock: I have crisps. We have to solve this Jim case!

Molly: Jim wasn’t my boyfriend because I break up with whinny bitches.

Feminists: OH SNAP!

Sherlock: I said crisps.

Molly: Fuck my life.

Sherlock: Deducing with my microscope!

Molly: I get to deduce too!

Sherlock: La de da, I figure out stuff and it writes itself in the air. I’m like a powerpoint display!

Molly: So… here’s a kind of sad story about my dead dad.

Sherlock: No fuck is given!

Molly: You look sad.

Fans: GASP.

Molly: When you think he can’t see you.

Fans: DOUBLE GASP.

Sherlock: …you can see me.

Molly: I don’t count.

Fans: OH MY GOD, WHAT IS FEELING!?

Molly: Surprise, I have insight you don’t.

Sherlock: Looking at you in a new light.

Molly: So, if you need help which I know you don’t then I’m here even though I know you don’t have anything you need from me and yeah, bye. *run away*

Sherlock: Emotions are difficult…

Book: JOOOOOHN

John: Oh, now I see you!

Sherlock: Matching Howarts tease!

John: Are we really using fairy tales as a clue?

Sherlock: CANDY, TO ARMS!

Kids: We’re kind of gross how we’re eating this.

Lestrade: Um… I got a fax?

Sherlock: Need to find a disused candy factory.

Sally: Sooooo cloooooose!

Sherlock: Check out my facial map with homeless photo catalog.

Anderson: I get eye rolls.

Sherlock: ADDLESTON, TO ARMS!

John: You used that one already.

Sherlock: ooooo poisoned candy wrappers, love it!

John: *face palm*

Sally: I win, found them!

Kids: How did we get so much chocolate on our faces…

Sherlock: Can I question her?

Lestrade: Can you not be crazy?

Sherlock: *un pops collar*

River SongLittle Girl: OH MY FUCKING GOD, IT’S BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH!

Sherlock: Cumberbitches start young!

Lestrade: This amuses me too much.

Jim!paint: I just like to deface glass!

Sally: That was greeeeeeeeeeeat, hint hint, IT WAS SO YOU!!!!

John: Home then?

Sherlock: Get your own taxi, I’m pouty!

John: Little bitch.

Sally: Seeds of disbelief growing into plants!

Lestrade: For serious?

Jim!video: Hi honey.

Sherlock: Wtf?

Sally: Sooooo I mean, since I like to ignore all the other evidence about how Sherlock is totally for real, let’s focus on this foot print of ‘how the fuck?’

Lestrade: Naaaw, come on.

Jim!Video: Uh oh, you’ve been a ‘boast a lot’ asshole just one too many times and maybe I also made this a little too easy for you to be framed as the bad guy.

Sherlock: Um…. Not liking this story.

Sally: I’m a disbelieving knight!

Anderson: Me too (which is a real surprise, I should be the jester or something).

Lestrade: Yeah, well, I’m fucking king.

Jim!Video: FINAL PROBLEM, HA HA!

Sherlock: Stop saying the story title!

Jim: NO CHARGE!

Sherlock: Why do you get all the fun lines!?

Hit man: *saved you*

Sherlock: Oh gee, thanks.

Hit man: *shot dead*

John: You okay, baby?

Sherlock: Hit man, wtf?

John: Mycroft was all ‘watch out for Sherlock, there’s hit men’ drama drama, you know.

Sherlock: I have important things!

Mrs. Hudson: Check out my fashionable night gown.

Sherlock: AH HA CAMERA.

Lestrade: So… Sally had her big scene…

Sherlock: Bitch please.

Lestrade: ‘Oh course, Greg, I’ll play nice and come in for questioning,’ you mean?

Sherlock: NOPE.

John: I am getting this slow creeping foreboding feeling coming on.

Sherlock: I don’t care what they think.

John: I CARE.

Sherlock: Oh, sweetheart.

John: Not a fraud.

Sherlock: This is going to be really sad later when I tell you I am.

John: You’d have to be a real actor to be such a fucking dick.

(Benedict: Thank you, thank you. *bows*)

Sherlock: Is that John Watson for ‘I love you?’

Sally & Anderson: GOING OVER YOUR HEAD.

Superintendent: Sherlock Holmes, say fucking what?

Lestrade: Um…

Superintendent: Arrest the wanker!

Lestrade: …Calling John.

John: And this is why I learned his first name.

Sherlock: *pout*

Mrs. Hudson: You got another Hogwarts package.

Sherlock: I am not a ginger bread man, lame.

Sirens: Heeeeeeeeeeeey baby hey!

Mrs. Hudson & John: Oh hell no, not our boy!

Sherlock: *noble scarf and jacket donning*

Lestrade: I am arresting you!!! …sorry.

Sherlock: It’s cool. I like handcuffs.

Sally: Told you so, nay nay nay nay naaaaaaaay!

Superintendent: So, this guy is clearly a freak weirdo loser.

John: PUNCH YOUR FUCKING FACE!

Sherlock: I knew you liked hand cuffs too.

John: Couldn’t let down the fan girls.

Sherlock: Daring escape?

John: Let’s do this.

Sherlock: *SCREECHY DISTRACTION*

Coppers: Ow.

Sherlock: I’ve got a gun!

John: And a… hostage? Seriously? Like any one of them would really believe me as a hostage since I’m the only friend you have.

Sherlock: And now we run!

Lestrade: I should have been a fireman.

Sherlock: Take my hand!

John: Now people will definitely talk.

Fans: John, we’ve been talking since you walked into the lab in ‘A Study in Pink.’

Sherlock: Fence!

John: No fence!

Sherlock: Stop being short then.

John: Kiss me and I will.

Sherlock: There must be a fic like this.

Hit man: *creeps*

Sherlock: Run in front of a bus!

Hit man: Save you!

Sherlock: What you want?

Hit man: The key code, duh, seriously how could you not have figured that out some how?

Sherlock: Um…

Hit man: *also shot dead*

Sherlock: We should probably find that key code.

John: Or we could go hang out with Kitty and find out who Richard Brook is.

Kitty: Creepers.

Fans: All my dreams.

John: Yeah, why were we sitting in the pitch black anyway? Couldn’t have had one light on? It’s not like she wasn’t going to find us.

Sherlock: Who’s Richard Brook?

Kitty: It’s totally not Moriarty.

Jim: Hi honey, I’m home!

Sherlock: WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Jim!Richard: Oh my god, look how scared I am. I am so authentic!

John: OH HELL NO!

Kitty: Psh, this is Richard, Moriarty is fake!

John: Uh, no!

Kitty: Richard is an actor Sherlock hired to be his arch nemesis, GOT MY BIG BREAK STORY!

Jim!Richard: …sorry about the bomb thing John.

Sherlock: I am so fucked.

John: I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS!

Kitty: No really, I have proof that totally couldn’t have been faked or anything!

Jim!Richard: I’m a children’s TV actor, like that knight story you got in your cab, Sherlock, remember that?

Sherlock: I am looking rather quietly fierce and enraged right now. It’s awesome acting, it should be my turn for a BAFTA.

John: Articles and a resume…

Jim!Richard: Don’t forget the DVDs! So annoying to make those, let me tell you, but Sherlock I like beating you that much!

Sherlock: Gonna kick you ass!

Jim!Richard: Oh, look how convincing I am running in fear!

Sherlock: The tension is mounting.

Kitty: Yeah, well, I don’t like you anymore.

John: The IT Crowd sucks, bitch!

Sherlock: So, Jim is trying to turn this all around, make everyone believe I’m a fake - putting a big lie with small truths - and all he has to do to really win is… oh shit I just figured out the finale.

John: It’s not you dying or anything like that, is it?

Sherlock: Um. I have go do some shit alone so… talk to you later!

---Over at Casa de Molly, I mean Barts---

Sherlock: Hi. You are my friend, btw, Mols.

Molly: omg nickname.

Sherlock: I’m not okay.

Fans: *sniffle*

Molly: Finally important! This is my shinning episode!

Sherlock: Want to help me prepare a fake suicide so that I can beat Jim Moriarty and protect John Watson?

Molly: IN.

---Meanwhile in Pounce town---

Mycroft: Did you break into my office?

John: You are a really bad brother.

Mycroft: It so was not my fault.

John: You so are going to sibling hell.

Mycroft: I’m the British government! You think we couldn’t catch Jim? Hell yes we could!

John: Catch him and…?

Mycroft: We offered him cake for weeks.

John: Cake?

Mycroft: And by ‘cake’ I mean torture.

John: Yeah, you don’t share cake.

Mycroft: And by torture I mean a few slaps.

John: Call me next time, I can handle that.

Mycroft: Anyhow, he wanted to talk about Sherlock; I wanted to talk about world crime to protect the crown. Quid pro quo…

John: You. Bitch.

Mycroft: Uh… sorry?

John: LEAVING.

---Sceeeeeeeeeene change to Barts and oh god the tension is HIGH---

Sherlock: I’m playing with a ball.

John: I am not going to tell you about your brother’s betrayal because you probably already know plus I’m all protective and shit.

Sherlock: We need the key code.

John: Um… should I do something random that give you an idea?

Sherlock: Have at it.

John: Just drumming my fingers.

Sherlock: Binary is so cool!

Sherlock!text: Meet me on the roof, Jimmy, presents! <3

Ball: Wow, we’ve focused on me three times now, I wonder if fan speculation is going to follow about pulse slowing techniques involving griping a ball in one hand. You know, in case anyone was thinking about faking a suicide.

John: Wait what?

*DISTRACTION PHONE CALL*

John: Omg, Mrs. Hudson’s been shot!

Sherlock: Whatever.

John: Um, hospital?!

Sherlock: I said, whatever!

John: Fine, stay alone then!

Sherlock: Alone protects me.

John: Friends protect people!

Fans: Oh my goooooood!!!! Already sobbing!

Jim!Text: Umm… don’t stand me up!

---AND WE’RE ON THE ROOF! With the bee gees…---

Jim: Sooooo I’m kind of depressed cause you were so much fun and now you’re totally not since I’ve won. So lonely, wah wah.

Sherlock: Richard Brook equals Reichenbach.

Jim: Well, I thought it was funny!

Sherlock: And I know your code so I can fix everything up again!

Jim: Really? Really. You think it’s real? Is this a James Bond movie?

Sherlock: Uh… but criminal master mind break ins?

Jim: You are ruining my life right now. I just had some little helpers, like elves.

Sherlock: So… I’m wrong?

Jim: And that’s what you get for needing high drama.

Sherlock: So, why are we on this roof?

Jim: How many times do I have to say ‘Final Problem’ and ‘Fall’ before you clue in?

Sherlock: Oh, yeah, suicide

Jim: 1 point Sherlock, 5 Billion points Jim.

John: OH MY GOD, MRS HUDSON DON’T DIE.

Mrs. Hudson: Huh?

John: …. Oh shit, diversion!

Jim: Gonna kill yourself now?

Sherlock: I’m not emo like you!

Jim: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease? I asked nicely.

Sherlock: I could always throw you off the roof because that would totally solve things!

Jim: But I told all these hit men to kill your friends if you don’t kill yourself so it would probably be a good idea if you do.

Sherlock: John?

Jim: Obviously.

Sherlock: Mrs. Hudson.

Jim: Oh yeah.

Sherlock: Lestrade?

Lestrade: HE THINKS I’M A FRIEND! *squeal*

Jim: HELL YEAH.

Sherlock: Molly?

Jim: What?

Sherlock: What?

Jim: So, jump or they die. Mwa ha ha, I’m so evil!

Sherlock: Stepping up on the ledge.

Jim: Let me get my camera!

Sherlock: *giggle*

Jim: Um. People about to commit suicide usually don’t laugh.

Sherlock: If I’ve got you I can get you to call off the hit men!

Jim: No, you can’t, you’re angel boy.

Sherlock: Oh, really? See any wings?

Jim: I use ordinary as an insult.

Sherlock: And I am just like you. So, I. Will. Fuck. You. Up.

*DRAMATIC MUSIC MOMENT SO WE KNOW HE’S NOT KIDDING*

Jim: SWEET. LOVE IT. I kind of want to hug you!

Sherlock: Shake hands instead, kay?

Jim: SHOOTING MYSELF, HA HA, NEVER STOP THE CRAZY!

Sherlock: Holy mother fuck!

Jim: *is so dead*

Hit man: In place to kill the lucky three!

Sherlock: And I’m back on the ledge.

John: ARRIVED! …just in time for immense woe.

Sherlock: *calling*

John: Hey! Everything is cool now, right? Not going to die or anything right?

Sherlock: Could you walk back so that small building is in your way blocking your view of the street just below my building?

John: No problem.

Sherlock: By the way, I’m on the roof.

John: Oh. So here’s where that foreboding leads.

Sherlock: I’m a fake.

John: No.

Sherlock: I made up Moriarty.

John: Nope.

Sherlock: It’s all true, I made it up, I’m a fake.

John: Still not believing you.

Sherlock: No one could be that clever.

John: You could.

Sherlock: *SIGNIFICANT TEAR*

Fans: *MANY MORE TEARS*

John: COMING TO GET YOU.

Sherlock: Uh. I said no moving from your specific spot of line of sight, thank you!

John: Why you make me sad?

Sherlock: Cause the phone call is my note.

John: Love note?

Sherlock: I’m on a roof...

John: I SAID LOVE NOTE!

Sherlock: …or not.

John: Can we rewrite this ending? It just be a happy Jim is dead sex scene instead? Lots of gay baker street boy sex?

Moffat and Gatiss: Hell no.

Sherlock: So, Kay bai.

John: No kay bai.

Sherlock: Kay bai…

John: NO kay bai!

Sherlock: KAY BAI. *mobile drop*

John: I SAID NO KAY BAI!!!

Sherlock: Whatever, jumping. *sniffle*

Fans: OH GOD.

~Jump!~

John: AHHHH!

Fans: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

John: Omg! Omg! Must rush over to boyfriend!

Biker: This is so totally an accident… SMACK!

John: Ow ow, not good timing, ow…

Fans: …did that truck just leave? Suspicious!

Bystanders: Ooo this is going up on twitter!

John: PLEASE LET ME THROUGH, I’M HIS FRIEND!

Fans: *ugly sobbing*

Sherlock: *looks all dead*

John: …I am the saddest person in the whole world.

Sherlock: It’s going to be a bitch to get all this fake blood out of my hair…

John: *Busy winning BAFTAs with facial expressions.*

Hit men: Damn, and I was looking forward to some murder today. Bye now.

---And now to the sad people---

Mycroft: *in need of cake*

John: *sitting next to a very empty chair*

Fans: I’M CRYING TOO MUCH TO SEE THE SCREEN!

Therapist: Sooooo, what did you want to tell him? Maybe something like ‘you were the best shag ever’ or ‘I love you more than anyone in the whole wide world?’

John: Uh no.

Therapist: Come on, I won’t gossip!

John: Noooooooo creeper.

---Time for grave visit with a quiet variation on theme music playing---

Mrs. Hudson: He was such a brat.

John: Yeah.

Mrs. Hudson: Such a stupid, ruddy, arsehole brat!!! *SNIFF*

John: Yeah, chill, bye now. Private boyfriend time.

Mrs. Hudson: You go do your awesome speech.

~alone for amazing moving ending scene~

John: You were the best man I have ever known. I really needed you because I was all crippled and alone. Itotallylovedyou. And when you turn out to be alive in 3 years I am going to punch you in the fucking face then snog the shit out of you. Just so you know. *sniff*

Grave stone: Oh come on, I can’t reflect this sorrow; it’s like having to be the building Sherlock jumped from.

John: SOLDIERING ON DRAMATIC LY!

Sherlock: *creeps* PS - totally alive…

---THE END---

Fans: I HATE EVERYTHING. I HATE THE WORLD. I HATE THIS EPISODE. ….I love it. *SOBS*